Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

That's a relief.

If only it was crumbs!

Is your mum’s attitude possibly part of the reason you’ve put up with shit behaviour from men for years?

Tell your Mum there won’t be a next time and perhaps she can invite them to her house!

When you are young you have very few ways to change your circumstances, no matter how unfair or unsuitable they are. Seems they have cottoned on to the perfect solution. 👍👍

Their disrespect to both her and home, and destruction of her belongings, is absolutely the issue for OP, and it’s her situation this thread is about. Downplaying this as ‘crisp crumbs on the sofa’ is entirely disingenuous.

These kids are neither her responsibility nor problem.

Kindly op your mum lives in the dark ages.
You don’t have to put up with men anymore. .

He is a wrong one .
Leaving we as punishment and for you to calm down and he would be back but with the pleasure of nothing changing. You dismissed .

Well luckily for the OP, they’re no longer her problem! No doubt they’ll continue to be parented badly by their Father and cause society all manner of issues in the future, but not much we can do about that in this thread. Luckily the disgusting mess the kids left behind in the house can be cleaned.

What room? It’s been converted into the Cat’s office.

Your mother sadly seems to be wedded to the idea that any man is better than no man. Which by your own lived experience you know is bollocks.

Unfortunately she isn’t someone you’re going to be able to rely on for support with this.

Please reread the thread linked upthread by the woman who ended the relationship over poor treatment by her partners daughters. It is really salutory. Both her bf and yours assume everything is negotiable and that you can be worn down by pleas, threats, flowers, texts.

These are no more than techniques of manipulation.

A person who really loved snd respected you would acknowledge your perspective “I am sorry my children treat you and your hospitality poorly” and would engage in problem solving “here is what I will do” to satisfy all parties.

A manipulative person will fake apologies (flowers, texts, gifts, contact) or use threats or withdrawal of attention (silent treatment, moving out temporarily) in order to bring you to heel. Both are no more than tactics to bring you back into compliance. They do not reflect a healthy, loving, orientation to you.

Unfortunately, someone like the OP, who has a mother like this and has been living like this for years… will be very very vulnerable to either taking him back or beginning a relationship with someone similar

You are again being disingenuous Its not the crisp crumbs and well you know it. Its the crminal damage to her glasses Wiping snot everywhere.

Again the elder one is at the age of criminal responsibility. I am sick and tired of women being expected to be the support humans to children they didnt choose to have
Are you one of those who sees "it takes a village" as just free childcare. Seems like it.

Pandering to them with a pat on the head and an ‘awww poor babies’ is doing them no favours. Failing to hold them accountable now, as children, for their behaviours does not bode well for their adult futures.

No he's not, so I know it isn't him.
Good to know that people agree I'm not unreasonable.
I can't read it though- feels so weird, despute MN also being so widely (if not more) read.

No - they could be anywhere and this behaviour is unacceptable at 11 years old.

@innersilentscreams does she think you are the chalet maid in some big holiday rental? Bloody hell. Do not contact your ex - it will be amusing how long it takes him to realise you’re not going crawling back (assuming he hasn’t realised it’s all in the D Mail)

Your life will be so much better now.

As others have said he put his kids first but it may be that they're old enough to refuse to visit if he is hard on them so he let's them get away with just about anything. They sound like unpleasant children and will no doubt grow to be unpleasant young men.

Yep - totally agree - not shaming anyone's living circumstance but having your kids at your girl's house is always a recipe for disaster.

He needs to prioritise creating an environment for his kids so they have their own space rather than them being at an unfamiliar person's home. He's probably better off having them at his parents (if he can)

I've just looked at the DM website and the story is now wayyyyy down the page.

But you are missing the point that it is not the children nor either of the ghastly parents who is posting about the problems, it is someone who is not their parent and who has had these badly behaved boys foisted upon her by someone who is clearly a cocklodger. The OP should not have to be dealing with the fall-out from the atrocious parenting by what I hope is her ex, and his ex.

hahah flipping hell, c*cklodger is insane! Never heard that one before!

Did you tell her there will never be another "next time"?

That is so fucking shoddy of the Fail, particularly where there are kids involved. No way would teen/tween boys have come across this thread on MN and recognised themselves. They really don't care how much damage they do in real people's lives. Fuck them and their shoddy fucking "journalist".

@innersilentscreams

The 'returned to normal' messaging is, well, normal. He believes if he acts like nothing happened then you'll soon forget about it. Kinda like a 3 year old putting hands over eyes and saying "You can't see me!!!". But eventually he'll make more 'direct contact', probably either how much he and his children miss you or a direct 'what's wrong?' (again ignoring that he knows exactly what's wrong).

My advice is to not respond to the current 'chatty messages' and use this interim as a 'prep time' to get his things packed up and ready to go and to make a plan for getting rid of them. Either ship/drop them off yourself or have a 3rd party with you if he comes to pick them up.

As far as your mum goes, frankly, I'd stop telling her anything and I certainly wouldn't listen to her 'advice'. I'm old enough to be your mum and I've never heard such guff in my life! And if I were your mum I'd be telling you good riddance to bad rubbish and let me help you pack his shit.

Is there someone other than her who can be your shoulder to lean on and to be with you if you decide to let Mr Stupidity pick up his stuff rather than you dropping it off? I'd worry that your mum wouldn't be doing what she should, namely standing next to you with arms akimbo giving him the stink eye.

And I know it sucks about the Fail picking this up. But if he does see it, at least that will be one awkward conversation you won't have to have!