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Original poster

When does mother's day become your day and not your mother's?

207 replies

GettingChunkier · 25/03/2025 22:56

Bit of a disclaimer here. My mother is a narcissist, so it's hard for me to be objective about how a "normal" family works this kind of thing.

She's about 70. I'm about 40. My eldest is 15, the youngest 4. Every year since I was about 14, mother's day has been about trying to appease her. Lavish presents. Always a very fancy home cooked meal, or paying for her and DF, and usually DNan, (her own DM who I invite/arrange as that's kind of expected of me too) plus either cooking/paying for my own meal and that of all the DC. I'm an only child.

This year, I've thought, I can't be done with this any more. Fuck the sulking and emotional abuse, I'm not waiting for my first mother's day where I'm enjoying it instead of running round after her like I have for the last 35 occasions, to be when I'm 50 and all my kids are older. About 3 weeks ago, I get a text asking what I've booked. In a nutshell I said I wasn't planning anything. She's sulking. DF is getting shitty with me in passive aggressive ways, basically because he's having to endure her sulking and the solution, as always, is for me to pander to her and put myself last... and I'm not.

I know that goes a lot deeper than mother's day, and I'm sure a lot of women enjoy the day out/in as a mother, and enjoy having their mum join them simultaneously (congratulations on not having a narc mum) but I wondered if other more normal families just had a sort of acceptance where mother's day becomes your time to enjoy instead of catering for your own mother? I can't imagine my kids having kids, and having tantrums at them expecting mothers day to be about me.

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 28/03/2025 17:35

Mother’s Day is about me and my mother and MIL. We are all doing something together. I’m hosting but mum will bring food and my girls and DH will do a fair bit also. It also used to include my grandmother but we lost her this year.

Hdjdb42 · 28/03/2025 18:08

GettingChunkier · 28/03/2025 17:32

Do you know what's really sad. The frequent mention of little ones wanting to show their mother that they loved them. And that's never even occurred to me.

When I think back to myself as a child, mother's day to me, meant I'd better do something good enough for her, or the sour face at the home made card and victim mentality "clearly I'm not worth the effort to you" would make me feel horrible. I think I was only 13 when I first made the trip to my nearest city, alone, on the train to spend my whole savings at the time (£40) on a Chanel nail varnish and posh chocolates for mother's day. I was very much praised for doing this. Spending everything I had, leaving me with nothing at all, on something over indulgent for her was exactly what she expected. I certainly didn't do it out of love, I did it out of fear of her reaction otherwise.

She really is a prick. I can't imagine doing this to my DC. Adult me is so angry for little me.

This post made me feel sad that your mum treated you in this way. My children asked what I wanted this mothers day, I told them some garden flowers (paid for by dad) and to cook dinner! I've ordered a fancy chocolate cake and some burger meat, so they only have to cook it. Mothers day is just to express your love for mum, with whatever means they want want to.

Twittable · 28/03/2025 18:09

My mother is a narcissist and, due to that, I’ve been NC for a number of years. I wouldn’t share Mother’s Day with her if you paid me because nothing was ever good enough for her. The drama, the playing one of us off against the other, the back stabbing - I don’t miss any of it, funnily enough!

My kids do low-key presents for me - a bunch of daffs, bottle of fizzy elderflower or some maltesers (all of which I love) - and we spend time together which is worth more to me than anything money can buy. We don’t have a meal out as I hate crowded places so save that for a nice summers day when we can all enjoy it.

I hope this years Mothers Day will be the calm, relaxed, drama-free one you deserve OP x

TheSixQuarks · 28/03/2025 18:19

GettingChunkier · 28/03/2025 17:32

Do you know what's really sad. The frequent mention of little ones wanting to show their mother that they loved them. And that's never even occurred to me.

When I think back to myself as a child, mother's day to me, meant I'd better do something good enough for her, or the sour face at the home made card and victim mentality "clearly I'm not worth the effort to you" would make me feel horrible. I think I was only 13 when I first made the trip to my nearest city, alone, on the train to spend my whole savings at the time (£40) on a Chanel nail varnish and posh chocolates for mother's day. I was very much praised for doing this. Spending everything I had, leaving me with nothing at all, on something over indulgent for her was exactly what she expected. I certainly didn't do it out of love, I did it out of fear of her reaction otherwise.

She really is a prick. I can't imagine doing this to my DC. Adult me is so angry for little me.

That is really sad. Please please have Mother’s Day with your own family and cherish the handmade cards and burnt toast breakfast in bed. As someone said, you’re in the thick of parenting so you get first dibs.

what is your mum actually going to do? She’s going to moan, complain, guilt trip and manipulate but what can she actually do? Nothing. You need to retrain your brain. It’s your kids and family that matter. Good luck and enjoy your day.

ConnieSlow · 28/03/2025 18:51

But you have already let 15years of your oldest kids life go by with you not present and happy, so why not make this one the first that you put yourself first and your kids?

with us, as soon as we became parents our families stepped back and allowed us to fully have the day we want. My own dm said I’ve had my turn and now it’s yours. They fit in our plans rather than us planning everything around everyone else.

break the cycle and show your kids different op.

thepariscrimefiles · 28/03/2025 19:48

GettingChunkier · 28/03/2025 17:32

Do you know what's really sad. The frequent mention of little ones wanting to show their mother that they loved them. And that's never even occurred to me.

When I think back to myself as a child, mother's day to me, meant I'd better do something good enough for her, or the sour face at the home made card and victim mentality "clearly I'm not worth the effort to you" would make me feel horrible. I think I was only 13 when I first made the trip to my nearest city, alone, on the train to spend my whole savings at the time (£40) on a Chanel nail varnish and posh chocolates for mother's day. I was very much praised for doing this. Spending everything I had, leaving me with nothing at all, on something over indulgent for her was exactly what she expected. I certainly didn't do it out of love, I did it out of fear of her reaction otherwise.

She really is a prick. I can't imagine doing this to my DC. Adult me is so angry for little me.

My least favourite plot in a book/film is where the bad guy/girl doesn't get their comeuppance and where evil deeds go unpunished.

I feel the same way about your descriptions of your mum's treatment of you and her expectations that she will be pandered to forever and her narcissistic rage if she doesn't get her own way.

Please continue to distance yourself from her if you can. So many posters with similar mothers have broken the cycle like you have and are warm and loving parents to their children.

saraclara · 28/03/2025 20:06

I don't know how old I was when my moody and abusive mum ranted on about how awful mothers day was, how fake etc. Maybe about 12?

Anyway, because I was scared of her, I thought I'd better not get a card or anything or she'd be angry.

I'll leave you to guess how that turned out.

I lap up anything that my daughters do for me on MD. Their love and appreciation continues to heal that memory.

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