When does mother's day become your day and not your mother's?

[GettingChunkier]

Bit of a disclaimer here. My mother is a narcissist, so it's hard for me to be objective about how a "normal" family works this kind of thing.

She's about 70. I'm about 40. My eldest is 15, the youngest 4. Every year since I was about 14, mother's day has been about trying to appease her. Lavish presents. Always a very fancy home cooked meal, or paying for her and DF, and usually DNan, (her own DM who I invite/arrange as that's kind of expected of me too) plus either cooking/paying for my own meal and that of all the DC. I'm an only child.

This year, I've thought, I can't be done with this any more. Fuck the sulking and emotional abuse, I'm not waiting for my first mother's day where I'm enjoying it instead of running round after her like I have for the last 35 occasions, to be when I'm 50 and all my kids are older. About 3 weeks ago, I get a text asking what I've booked. In a nutshell I said I wasn't planning anything. She's sulking. DF is getting shitty with me in passive aggressive ways, basically because he's having to endure her sulking and the solution, as always, is for me to pander to her and put myself last... and I'm not.

I know that goes a lot deeper than mother's day, and I'm sure a lot of women enjoy the day out/in as a mother, and enjoy having their mum join them simultaneously (congratulations on not having a narc mum) but I wondered if other more normal families just had a sort of acceptance where mother's day becomes your time to enjoy instead of catering for your own mother? I can't imagine my kids having kids, and having tantrums at them expecting mothers day to be about me.

When my lovely DM was alive she lived alone nearby, so we’d have her over and DH would cook us a roast. I was a mother too and she would never have expected anything. DH mum lives far away so we send card and flowers but his siblings take her out. Again, she is very low maintenance and wouldn’t expect a fuss. Agree with the others that mothers of dependent children take priority. More because young kids enjoy making an effort for you.

I have adult children and I'm happy with a card. My sons have children and I expect them to celebrate Mother's Day with their partners and children. I sometimes go out for lunch with my daughter.

Your mum sounds terrible and your dad obviously enables her. You are right to put your foot down this Mother's Day, but I'm sure she makes your life a misery throughout the year. Does she have any good qualities that would stop you cutting contact with her completely? What is she like as a grandmother to your children?

Tell your mum your own kids have planned something special, a surprise, for you (and only you!) this year so you'll be enjoying them treating you on Sunday. And pop a card in the post to your mum.

Is this a dig at the OP? Are you saying that OP should continue to pander to her selfish, demandingg mother?

My mum died 5 years ago very suddenly, two weeks before Mother’s Day. She was fairly low maintenance, and as there are three of us, we would informally share it out, so one of the three of us would see her for lunch or an outing but it wouldn’t have been the end of the world if we hadn’t. MIL is slightly another story…. DH’s family are really arrangement avoidant. There’s an expectation that you will be available for key dates, but if you try to make a plan further in advance than a week or two, you get dismissed with ‘well we haven’t even thought about it yet, it’s far too early!’

This year, we preempted by saying ‘we are going to x restaurant for lunch, would you like to join us’ and they are, which is lovely. 2 hours of socialising and wider family time, then job done, I can spend the rest of the day drinking tea and being looked after!

@GettingChunkier I’d maybe ask this question in either the ‘stately homes’ thread in Relationships or on the relationships board where you’ll find more children of narcissistic mothers and more tips/strategies for coping. You’ll also avoid the ‘you only get one mother’ etc etc. You do only get one mother. Unfortunately for some of us we got dealt a rum hand when allocated our own. Me included. Your issue is also compounded my your Father who acts as her enabler. I had one of those too. Lovely man, no balls to stand up to her batshit crazy behaviour resulting in everyone living a miserable life. They have both passed on now.. I did the right thing when they were poorly for my own conscience but sadly life is so much more peaceful now I don’t have to deal with the drama.

The only strategy here is you biting the bullet and doing what you want for the day. Ignore your mother. They’ll be histrionics, sulking, a period of her cutting you off (quite enjoyable tbh) and then, like all narcissists she’ll then be nice to draw you back into the drama during which you’ll be expected to apologise for ‘hurting’ her over Mother’s Day. She’ll try and separate your family - drawing grandchildren into siding with her. Watch out for that and talk to your children about it. DD even now years later talks about some of the batshit stuff Nanny would say to her.. utterly incomprehensible nonsense. The fact is though your mother won’t change. She can’t. She also has zero self awareness. No narcissist has ever googled ‘an I a narcissist?’ Which is why so many are blind sided when contact is cut off. They push people to the end of their limits as they cannot hold a rational discussion about their own behaviour to the point where zero contact is the only strategy to preserving your own mental health.

My life greatly improved when I met DH who unlike my first DH did not pander to her and let her know he saw her behaviour. She then backed off. Mother’s Day was mine the minute I was a mother and I made sure that was the case from the off. Your DH sounds the same as mine. So you need to reclaim your Mother’s Day back.

Narcissist mothers are basically bullies to their own children - usually acting out their own childhoods. Control is important to them. The narrative is important to them. How other people see them is very important to them. Your mother doesn’t care about spending time with you nor the fact she’s taking over your day. She wants to be able to tell everyone how spoilt she was by everyone. How adored she is etc etc.

The upside of all of this is if you survive being parented by a narcissist mother and break the cycle, you are generally an awesome mother yourself. I know I’m a great mother because I have a great relationship with my DD. She’s balanced from growing up secure knowing she is loved. She isn’t scared of me, she doesn’t hide things from me, she doesn’t avoid spending longer than an hour with me. It was a shitty childhood for me but she is living proof that the cycle can be broken.

Enjoy this Sunday your way 💐

it becomes about you, when you have children imo

im working this Sunday, we are fully over booked & I we will do roast dinners for lots of mothers . I enjoy the manic day as it goes in a flash

my daughter will be treated by her dh he will take his mum out for dinner as well

Then the following weekend my daughter and granddaughter will go and spend a lively day/afternoon doing something nice.

No my mum did not cease to be a mother when I had a baby.

I get the OP has a complicated situation but the vast majority of people still see their mums as a mother even after they’ve got their own children.

I celebrate my mum on Mother’s Day and my kids celebrate me.

The busiest Sunday for the last 3 years and no doubt again this year…Father’s Day. By around 20% busier than mothers day

In my case, it was our mothers’ day, then when we had children it became a shared day. Why does it have to be one or the other?

Soon as I had a kid but we never did big nonsense stuff tbh. Now the kid's left home and my own mum's dead so I'm not expecting anything. Hope you can salvage something nice, OP.

The whole thing is bullshit. My mother has never expected anything. Neither have I

You shouldn’t have to exhaust yourself trying to please her because it’s a certain day

I take a card and chocolates to my mother the day before. I spend my day doing what I want to do. Mothers day is about me now, as an active mother.

To me, Mother’s Day is more for the children who want to show their mum some appreciation. Primary aged children love making cards, bringing up breakfast in bed, etc. So Mother’s Day is “mine” as long as I have children in the house who actually want to do all of that. Once it begins to feel like a chore for them, it’s no longer a big thing.

I send my mum flowers and chocolate and FaceTime her because I want to, but if I forgot I can’t imagine DM being fussed about it, just like I wouldn’t be if teen DD spent all her pocket money on lashes rather than a £3 bunch of flowers from Lidl (likely scenario!)

In a nutshell, it sounds like you’ve hit the nail on the head with your DM being selfish and dramatic, OP. Spend Mother’s Day how you and your children want to spend it.

Don’t give in! I’m a mother to adult kids and I’m always delighted by whatever effort they make for Mother’s Day. It’s normally a visit but I’d be happy with a little message too. She sounds like very hard work-and doesn’t appreciate what you do. So send her a message and concentrate on making Mother’s Day fun for your own children.

Never did. It was never an either /or.

we all ground my parents on Mother’s Day for buffet - usually my dad does BBQ with kids.

But then we never made Mother’s Day a “thing” - flowers and card given - so it was a day to be with family with all mums together and my brother and then his wife.

my my does a few years ago and we don’t do it now

Just can it altogether and avoid the angst. We don’t do Hallmark Holidays in our household. Much better if both parents and kids show each other their appreciation (goes both ways) in an organic way in general, rather than a forced display on one day. You will find all your current problems re Mother’s Day will disappear👍.

Can you do that on the Saturday? It could be worse, for me it will mean driving out for a meal with my mother in law and all of my husband’s family, orchestrated by my sister in law (husband’s brother’s wife) so it may even include her own mum! But to me it’s just another Sunday really…

I could have written this post 5 years ago. It’s hard but you will have to book something for your own little family. I call up to my mum in the afternoon for an hour or so but other than that the day is ours now. The first year breaking the cycle was hard for me as my mum expects the entire family to revolve around her house. Christmas, new years, Easter Sunday, Mother’s Day etc. Breaking the trend for events at her house has not gone down well. You just have to stay firm and make it about you. When we included my mum the kids would have always been in her arms/fed by her or always cuddling her and I felt sad that it was Mother’s Day and it felt like granny’s day. I would have loved them cuddles. I was honest with my husband about it and he stopped letting my family take over from then on in.

My husband has a mother like yours, so I understand what you mean and how she makes you feel when she doesn't get what she wants. And how others (like your dad) try and enforce her getting what she wants because it's easier for them.
In my family, my mum told me and my sisters when we had children, that mother's day was about us now as the mothers who are currently caring for children, and not to worry about her. When we lived close, I liked celebrating it with her because she's a wonderful mum , still so supportive of me as an adult. She doesn't try and make everything about herself, so her company is enjoyable. One year my sister and I made a high tea for her at my house and she was so greatful that she cried.
You are allowed to do what you want for the day, it's your mother's day too. I think just a small gift and card from you as an adult is pretty common.

It never happened. When my mum was alive we usually took her for lunch. Year after year she said she thought my DC would be taking me out. She's been gone many years and I'm still waiting, never been taken out. They never forget though.

I don’t expect my adult dc to pander to me. They are mothers too now. I want it to be their day. After all they are the ones in the thick of it bringing up young dc.

I’ll see one on Saturday for a brunch we’ve booked, a treat to ourselves. The actual day my youngest dc (teens) and I are going shopping. I’ll see two on Monday for lunch at mine.

don’t feel guilty. Enjoy your day x

What’s really baffling is that her mother is still alive… And yet she sees no obligation to treat her in the same way she expects to be treated.

I’m 53 and this is the first Mother’s Day where I am putting myself first and not cooking, booking a meal out. I’ve told my brothers it’s their turn. I can’t wait.

Op do what suits you she moan anyway. I dont bring mine out she really hard work. I call in to her Saturday.