When does mother's day become your day and not your mother's?

[GettingChunkier]

Bit of a disclaimer here. My mother is a narcissist, so it's hard for me to be objective about how a "normal" family works this kind of thing.

She's about 70. I'm about 40. My eldest is 15, the youngest 4. Every year since I was about 14, mother's day has been about trying to appease her. Lavish presents. Always a very fancy home cooked meal, or paying for her and DF, and usually DNan, (her own DM who I invite/arrange as that's kind of expected of me too) plus either cooking/paying for my own meal and that of all the DC. I'm an only child.

This year, I've thought, I can't be done with this any more. Fuck the sulking and emotional abuse, I'm not waiting for my first mother's day where I'm enjoying it instead of running round after her like I have for the last 35 occasions, to be when I'm 50 and all my kids are older. About 3 weeks ago, I get a text asking what I've booked. In a nutshell I said I wasn't planning anything. She's sulking. DF is getting shitty with me in passive aggressive ways, basically because he's having to endure her sulking and the solution, as always, is for me to pander to her and put myself last... and I'm not.

I know that goes a lot deeper than mother's day, and I'm sure a lot of women enjoy the day out/in as a mother, and enjoy having their mum join them simultaneously (congratulations on not having a narc mum) but I wondered if other more normal families just had a sort of acceptance where mother's day becomes your time to enjoy instead of catering for your own mother? I can't imagine my kids having kids, and having tantrums at them expecting mothers day to be about me.

I'm sending Mum a box of brownies this year, and a card. She's going to be happy with that. My DB will probably send flowers.

My DD wanted to make a big thing this Sunday but I'm working, plus I don't have a lot of money, so it's not viable. I said a card will do. I don't like to make too much of a fuss.

I have a narc mam too, the type when I ask if there's anything she fancies for bday/mothers day, she responds with something really expensive and fully expects you to buy it. Then sulks if you don't. Everything is about her and always will be. After I started having kids I just stroke her ego in a different way, so that I can have a decent mother's day that's not centred around her. So we play on the nana side of mothers day, how we want to show off what an amazing nana she is etc, all for face value obviously. So I might plan a day at a pub with softplay for me and kids and then insist my mam join us for "her special day". I'm never gonna change who she is but this stops the drama, keeps her the main focus in her eyes, but ensures I have the exact day I want 🤷‍♀️ the odd time she's said she didn't want to come, I've said I've already booked it but why don't you pop round my brothers first and we'll come straight to your house after with a special gift. Seems to keep her happy anyway.

My eldest is 11 and I am still waiting for my first Mother’s Day too! But it isn’t my mum- it’s my mother in law. She demands to see her son (my DH) and the children. So I have to go too or spend the day on my own…. Same for Christmas

it sucks- especially as my mum is ill (as is my MIL) so would like to be with her. My MIL has rolled out each year for the last 10 years that “this may be my last one”.

Not read the whole thread but I think the way forward for you is reframing it in your mind as in breaking away from this awful situation with your mum, you are doing something that benefits your own children. They need to have the opportunity to do things for you, to celebrate you and show their love. It's good for children's development and in making your mother the centre of everything, it denies your own children the enjoyment of spoiling you on Mother's Day. Also remember that you are as important a person as anyone else and you deserve this. She's had far more years of having it all her own way than you have!

First time is the hardest but after that it will get easier.

What stood out to me is that you are an only child so that does put a lot of the onus on you (rightly or wrongly). I think the best thing would have been to set the precedent as soon as you became a parent. That being said it's never to late to set boundaries but surely you can see doing nothing would cause some issues. Instead in this case I would have spoken to your mum and arranged to go for lunch in a cafe the day or weekend before and then spent the actual day with your own children.

In my situation I'm one of 4 and live furthest away. Each of us does something for mum so one sibling will take her for a meal the weekend before and give a gift one will take her for a massage or facial as a gift, the other sees her on the day for a meal and gifting and I (usually) send a present, card, flowers and phone her on the day. My dad stepped up when we were children but still makes her breakfast in bed.

Mothers day is about me since I have had kids and I won't shuttle between my mum and mil every year as I deserve to celebrate the day how I want to and that is with my young family. We often do softplay, national trust visit, adventure park and either a homemade afternoon tea or one out. Sometimes dh will cook a meal but often we go out. We see mil on the day for an hour or so around our plans or the day before. She wouldn't go for a mothers day meal without both sons and that means I would be subject to sil's company and can do without it. When we have tried in the past I end up compromising to the point where afternoon tea becomes dessert at a restaurant, a cuisine we eat at home regularly and the meal is at a time that suits mil which means it is too late for our kids, who then get tired and ratty. Basically no fun for me which is why I wouldn't agree to it.

@MyMonkeyDanced you need to put a stop to this. Mil can see her 'child' (Dh can go by himself to visit) and you can stay home with yours!

I took over hosting Mother’s Day when I was 24 and had my own property but no children and carried on doing so until my mum died when I was 57. To be fair she wasn’t like your mum, was very appreciative and played with the kids when they came along whilst I cooked a meal.
My kids are now adults (no grandchildren) and treat me; we are going away for the week and from experience will lavish me with presents. That’s not because I expect it more because that’s what they like to do.

Why can’t it be both?

I wish my mother a happy Mother’s Day and my DD wishes me a happy Mother’s Day.

I get it twice because I expect something both on UK’s Mother’s Day and then later on in my country’s Mother’s Day 💅🏻🫣

Moghers day became mine when I had a child. My mum used to get a card and small gift delivered thecday before, she died recently so it's just my mil who will get a bunch of flowers/chocolates delivered this Saturday

My hardworking daughter will spend the day being spoiled at home and sends me flowers. I will cook a roast for my elderly mother, who just wants to be with us. Agree , it is mums at the coal face who deserve a lovely day. Me and my Mum don’t expect it all to revolve around us.You should ignore your mum.’s sulks.

Mine gets a card, some flowers or chocolates and i pop round for a cuppa.

My kids I get a card each and a bottle of wine or some flowers. But the world keeps turning, I still do the washing, the washing up, cook dinner. I find it all just a gimmick.

I think the moment you have a child you are then the working mother. When dc leave home it becomes different again.

We don’t live near either Mums. We try to take turns, and most of the time we the Saturday we each go to visit our own Mums and leave Sunday for us.

Im the eldest so if I do arrange something on the Sunday I arrange for all of us to go, if I didn’t not sure either one of my sisters would make the same effort.

No pressure, this weekend we are each going to see our Mums and the Sunday will be a chilled day for us!

OP you could be writing about my mother , so much of it resonates. I won’t bore you with the details but over the years I have been ‘ required’ to spoil my mum every Mother’s Day ( especially as my brother estranged from her ) . Presents , cards , cards from the cats , meal out , flowers , chocs , you get the picture . My epiphany came when a friend asked why I did all this as my mother has never been a mother . She’s a true narc who left the family home when we were 7 & 9 and has only ever put herself first . If she didn’t get her way we were ‘ cruel ‘ . Well no more . I do my duty now she gets a card , small box chocs and small spring flowers on the day and then I make sure not to see her the rest of the year bar b’day & Xmas where time spent and spending has significantly reduced . I don’t have kids myself but I’ve seen enough from others about how mothers should treat their kids .
good luck OP , small scale and reduce overall contact . Your DF needs to find a backbone and tell her why she’s driven you away .

Well done to your ex, what did you end up doing?

Surely you can tell your DH that you will be taking your children to visit your mum this year? Why do your DH and your MIL get to dictate how you spend your Mother's Day? It sounds really unfair. She can demand to see your DH but not your children. It's your Mother's Day too and your wishes should come before what your MIL and DH want.

YANBU

However, this takes planning. You know she will come down with a Mystery Illness or find some other way to ruin your day.

I would think about strategies to counter this.

1. you could tell her you are going away but don’t actually do it.
2. Everyone turns their phones off all day. But you have a teen so that might be tricky.
3. You ride out the storm without responding. If that causes her to go NC, you celebrate.

I favour option 3 myself. It’s been twelve years of peaceful NC bliss for me.

I visit mine briefly in the morning with flowers and then the rest of the day I spend with DD and DH celebrating me! Or I visit on the Saturday and just say DD and DH have planned a special Mother’s Day for me so we will celebrate her on the Saturday. I’m sure she would rather join us on the day but she just accepts it because I am firm and clear.

She’s not as much of a narc as yours but let’s just say I took her for breakfast last weekend and she didn’t ask how I was, how work was or in fact a single question about me and that’s the same every single week. It’s always all about her. If I ever try to talk about something happening in my life she literally zones out so I don’t bother now.

I feel cheated of the mother/daughter bond my friends have with their mums. It must be wonderful to have a multi generational celebration of mothers in a family where you all love being together but as that’s not our situation I now have very clear boundaries and no guilt about spending the day with my wonderful DD.

It's just a day. There are more than enough days in the year for both you and your mother to be celebrated. It doesn't make it any lesser if one of you gets taken out a week earlier or a week later. Neither of you need to "own" the day.

Tbh if you're so unappreciated year-round by your family that you use one day a year as a measuring post, you have bigger issues to deal with.

Mate, you need your own thread.

And a backbone. Your poor mum!

I usually get in first with a preplanned idea for the Saturday otherwise I'm tense the entire day as I don't know what she will be planning, but this year shes already had her gifts this year as she popped round unexpectedl and saw them then took them with her. They've already been drunk so I am expecting complaints when there are no flowers or any replacements for Sunday but shes away for the weekend so my phone will be on silent and my weekend is my own.

Surely in a "normal" family it is about striking a balance so that all the mothers feel appreciated. We generally have my Mum, MIL, my Dsis round, and the DH's DC's do the cooking, so that none of the Mums have to lift a finger. Its not more about one than the other. But yes, I appreciate that only being possible where no one thinks they must be the center of attention.

I still feel every bit as much of a mother as I ever did. The fact that my DDs are in their 30s and one of them has children of her own doesn't make me less of a mother. I support with childcare, I drop everything to help my DDs when there's a problem, I've helped them financially, and I love them dearly. I'm their mum.

I'm not narcissistic so don't expect the day to revolve around me. But nor do I understand the posts by those who think mothers of mothers don't count on Mother's Day.

The year I became a mum I set my still out and told my mum and mother in law that mothers days were now mine… they had had 36 of them and it was now my turn….

I have made it very clear to my adult DC & DC in laws that as soon as any of them have a child it is their turn. I've had my turn and it will be time to step back.