When does mother's day become your day and not your mother's?

[GettingChunkier]

Bit of a disclaimer here. My mother is a narcissist, so it's hard for me to be objective about how a "normal" family works this kind of thing.

She's about 70. I'm about 40. My eldest is 15, the youngest 4. Every year since I was about 14, mother's day has been about trying to appease her. Lavish presents. Always a very fancy home cooked meal, or paying for her and DF, and usually DNan, (her own DM who I invite/arrange as that's kind of expected of me too) plus either cooking/paying for my own meal and that of all the DC. I'm an only child.

This year, I've thought, I can't be done with this any more. Fuck the sulking and emotional abuse, I'm not waiting for my first mother's day where I'm enjoying it instead of running round after her like I have for the last 35 occasions, to be when I'm 50 and all my kids are older. About 3 weeks ago, I get a text asking what I've booked. In a nutshell I said I wasn't planning anything. She's sulking. DF is getting shitty with me in passive aggressive ways, basically because he's having to endure her sulking and the solution, as always, is for me to pander to her and put myself last... and I'm not.

I know that goes a lot deeper than mother's day, and I'm sure a lot of women enjoy the day out/in as a mother, and enjoy having their mum join them simultaneously (congratulations on not having a narc mum) but I wondered if other more normal families just had a sort of acceptance where mother's day becomes your time to enjoy instead of catering for your own mother? I can't imagine my kids having kids, and having tantrums at them expecting mothers day to be about me.

Not really fussed by these "card" days particularly. I would take my DM a card and gift or take her out for lunch at another date when she was alive.
I tend to maybe get a card or some chocs now my girls are teens.
It's just never been a big show off your love for the benefit of others type day, not being snarky but I can imagine that's what Narc DM wants. You see a lot of it on SM.

Stick to your guns maybe say your DH and kids want to take you out this year. Drop your DM a card and plant or something, suggest she takes her DM out!

I wish I knew, and I'm 55 with a grown up child of my own. My mother expects me to taxi her to and from the pub where we're having lunch (she can well afford to pay for a taxi), as well as paying for said lunch. I'd just like a day for myself.

Because they’re the ones in the thick of the daily work of mothering

@Mnetcurious

Mothers, who are caring for one or more adult disabled DC, and helping out with DGC, are just as much in the thick of the work 24/7 of mothering. There’s no respite of school either with adults, too ill to work, but who can be up all night!

When you have babies, personally that’s when Mother’s Day becomes about you, that phase when your whole life is mothering. Now that it’s not so intense I’m happy to alternate, last year we went to mils for half the day so this year I plan to do a family outing that suits me. My mum is very relaxed about seeing us sometime on the weekend, she recognises we don’t have a lot of free time between work and kids activities. If I had your mum I think the best plan is to message her happy Mother’s Day in the morning and hand your phone to your dh for her reply to come in and then he blocks her for the day.

Why doesn't your mum see the irony that HER daughter (you) has to rush around after her but she, as a daughter, doesn't have to do anything for her mother? All new patterns have to start somewhere, so you do you this year, as you've told her and do the same next year until that's the pattern. Send her a card and flowers (via delivery) and nothing else from now on!

When you stop pandering to commercialist shite and this idea that you HAVE to do something for mother's day.

You hoist yourself by the expectations around the day.

Stop it. Free yourself from these stupid ideas of 'tradition'. Have your own family traditions that work for you all better - select a 'celebrate your mother, celebrate your MIL, celebrate me as a mother day' of your own choosing. Sit down, talk as a family about why you like the idea of the day but think its bollocks to do it to the expectations of society in this way. Select an alternative time table that works better for you all. Tell people who pull faces about it, that its tough shit and you won't be doing this expensive commerical shite however you like the sentiment and want to make a day thats even better and even more special thats just for them and ISN'T their birthday.

I think the same for Christmas. To an extent for Christmas you are stuck with certain days, but given so many families work shifts or have multiple family gatherings I think we should all be much more open to doing things differently and work for us all better rather than thinking we MUST have turkey even when no one likes it and we MUST do x, y and z because its 'expected'.

No its bloody not. If you don't do things in this way, the world will not implode.

Make these things work for you, rather then you work for these things.

It can and should be both. But if you have a difficult relationship with your DM that’s very different!

I don’t ask to be spoiled on Mothering Sunday. A card and some flowers is more than enough. We saw MIL last week and have invited my DM over with DF in the evening (they’re on their way back from seeing friends).

We’ll go to church then are hosting DS’s birthday party then hopefully DM will drop in, but nothing big here. It’s not a big deal to me.

It's a load of commercial gubbins just like valentine's day. We don't mark it at all on principle.

Have you thought about dumping her entirely OP?

I'm old and so is my BFF. Her mother was a monster narc and your descriptions of yours and how it has affected you is so reminiscent of what my friend went through with her ghastly self centred mother.

We are both over 60 now and her life is still affected.

I think you should genuinely consider giving yourself license to dump. There will be a shit storm deluxe but weather it and stand in the light maybe?

Sending support and solidarity as one daughter of a narcissist to another, it’s tough.
Something snapped in me over Christmas when I was treated spectacularly badly, and so now I’ve finally given up caring what anyone thinks, I’d putting myself first for a change 😆
This is the first year that she will receive a card only and no visit. I will spend a lovely day with people who actually love me - my kids and husband.

I got my mum a card and usually an Easter egg if timing was right as she was a chocoholic. My children get me a card and flowers:chocolates. None of us made a big deal over it. It was a token acknowledgment with a personal message written in the card. Obviously when they were primary age they made their card at school. They did occasionally bring up a cup of tea in bed.

My mum died many years ago but when she was alive my siblings and I would buy cards and flowers/plants, visit on the Sunday morning and that was all - there was no grand gestures and there never was between our parents and their mothers either.
When we became mums we still did the same and out DC followed suit - there was no fancy spa days, lunch dates, short breaks, expensive gifts! These weren't necessary, our mum knew we loved her and I would dearly love to be able to give her flowers and a card on Sunday.
I now have two beautiful children who are parents themselves, we know we are loved and don't need a stash of cash spent on us to prove it.

I think it becomes your day once you have your own children! Yes many people still get a present/ flowers and a card for their Mum, but I think mothers of young children are the priority as they’re doing the actual mothering day by day.

That said, this year my Mum and I are going for a day out we’d both enjoy with my (teen and tween) children, and I’ll get her a gift.

I’m a single parent for the past several years so I think it’s up to me to make sure I have a nice day - no partner is going to do it for me or make the kids do something nice!(obviously they can arrange a present/ tea in bed etc themselves but they can’t really organise a day out)

Isn’t it up to your mum what she does for her own mum?
And depending on what she does for her own mum, you fit in around that and your own children’s plans.

Ignore the histrionics from her, but do just send or take her flowers, card and chocs, the day before or whenever it’s convenient.

Have the mother’s day you want for a change OP.
It really doesn’t have to be the same day-long horror show every year. Nor does it have to be a great expense. It’s just a day to show gratitude and thanks for your mum.
If your dad is upset about your lack of effort he can do something grand himself to show his thanks to her for having been a (good) mum to his child.

That sounds like a lovely happy day @FatLarrysBanned
Enjoy

Mother’s Day became my day when I had my first child, and my mum was fully supportive in this.

You're 15 years behind OP, you’ve got a lot of catching up to do. Enjoy your special day!

Your issue is having a narcissistic mother, not a 'who should mothers day be for?' issue.

Mothers of mothers don't have to be elbowed off the stage because 'they've had their turn' and it saddens me that there are older posters on this thread who feel they have to make themselves small and say 'oh don't bother about me, I'm not important'.

It's a day for mothers at whatever stage, and distance permitting, it's nice to include all of them in some way at some point in the weekend Though obviously the mother of younger children will of course set the scene because their children live with them!

Do it then!
You have said you’re not doing anything with/for her and stick to it .
If you choose send some flowers .
Just say oh I am having my own mothers day for the first time in 15 years.

OP, my mum sounds very similar to yours. I'm now nc with her. My brother isn't and for the last few years since I've been nc he's had to do 'mothers day' for her. He can't stand it. One year when my children were under ten years old my dh had planned for us to go to one of the small legoland centres. It was like the world was ending and she fell out with me for weeks.

I think this year will be my first proper mothers day where I'm comfortable (no fall out) and can relax. My children have their regular Sunday activities which I love watch so we're doing that then having a nice dinner. No pressure, no stress, just enjoying being with my children. It'll be bliss.

OP you'll need to wear a hard hat and be ready to brush off what will be thrown at you if you don't do what's wanted. It does get easier, you just have to be steadfast. Best of luck.

I totally agree with @Mnetcurious
i celebrate it with my husband and daughter. Mother and MIL get send cards/gifts but theyve had 30+ years of us running after them!
also they both live far away and would never want to be together on Mother’s Day so that makes it easier. I would be really upset for husband to go to MIL and me my mum and then not be together with our daughter- no way!

My eldest is 20 and it’s still about my mother 🤦🏻‍♀️

@RedHelenB I stayed at home with my DC.I was in temporary accommodation and skint.I was also off work due to stress XH put me through(huge backstory with abusive relationship). I baked myself the cake I wanted,stuffed faces with my kids and spent time together. School knew about the situation so I got lovely hand made cards 🙂

Zero pressure and running around and not living to anybody expectations anymore

Mothers Day is a wonderful family day for us, like some pp. Three generations all go out for lunch somewhere nice, zero drama, just enjoying each others company, DC playing with their cousins and seeing their grandparents.
You deserve to be celebrated as a mother, but your own mum doesn’t become anything less because of that.

with respect OP, (and you know this) your problem is having a narc mother and an enabler father not Mother's Day. The solution? break the chains of your upbringing and stop doing it...if not for yourself them for your children. Model a better example for them.

Im surprised Mother’s Day is such a big deal to people. I get my mum a card and a little prezzie and make her a cuppa. That’s it.
I appreciate my mum every day and she knows that. We don’t need a stupid hallmark card day to tell us that.

Do what you want on the day.