When does mother's day become your day and not your mother's?

[GettingChunkier]

Bit of a disclaimer here. My mother is a narcissist, so it's hard for me to be objective about how a "normal" family works this kind of thing.

She's about 70. I'm about 40. My eldest is 15, the youngest 4. Every year since I was about 14, mother's day has been about trying to appease her. Lavish presents. Always a very fancy home cooked meal, or paying for her and DF, and usually DNan, (her own DM who I invite/arrange as that's kind of expected of me too) plus either cooking/paying for my own meal and that of all the DC. I'm an only child.

This year, I've thought, I can't be done with this any more. Fuck the sulking and emotional abuse, I'm not waiting for my first mother's day where I'm enjoying it instead of running round after her like I have for the last 35 occasions, to be when I'm 50 and all my kids are older. About 3 weeks ago, I get a text asking what I've booked. In a nutshell I said I wasn't planning anything. She's sulking. DF is getting shitty with me in passive aggressive ways, basically because he's having to endure her sulking and the solution, as always, is for me to pander to her and put myself last... and I'm not.

I know that goes a lot deeper than mother's day, and I'm sure a lot of women enjoy the day out/in as a mother, and enjoy having their mum join them simultaneously (congratulations on not having a narc mum) but I wondered if other more normal families just had a sort of acceptance where mother's day becomes your time to enjoy instead of catering for your own mother? I can't imagine my kids having kids, and having tantrums at them expecting mothers day to be about me.

Move to a different country that celebrates it on a different day 😃

I just give mine a bunch of flowers..?

When does mother's day become your day and not your mother's?

The day you put yourself first and make it your day. Stop pandering to her and tell her your kids are planning a day just for you. Book a meal for yourself and the kids and go and have some nice family time together.

Book a weekend away with your kids that way your not around for the escalated dramatics

i simply phone mine and send a card and flowers or a box of her favorite chocolate. equally she calls me and tells me how good a mom i am and we chat mom stories.
on a couple rare occasions we have gone to a meal out and there's usually a few offers to pay the bill (sometimes my mom, sometimes my husband and sometimes one of my boys).
my dh will offer to include her in meals out and if he spots something cool for her on the internet will buy it (on my behalf).
i always make sure my mothers day is enjoyable; no cooking, plus a gift, which if necessary i buy myself.

I'd have thought it happened when you had your first child surely 🤷

@GettingChunkier , ideally it’s an act of love from the family to their collective mother’s. That’s how it works in my family and it’s a glorious, lovely, loving day.

This. Mine gets a bunch of flowers and a visit the day before, a FaceTime on Mothering Sunday. DH sees Mil the day before and we spend Mothering Sunday at home as a family.

Pat yourself on the back OP. You've taken the first hard step to break free from a bad pattern. All days are just days, we asign meanings, traditions and celebrations to them.
What do you want to try out this year?
(To add some background for my perspective, my DD wants to spend Mother's day with me this year and I agreed with her ideas, so we saw my Mum last weekend for a Mother's day lunch).

Apparently not. Well, not to DM anyway. I need to cater for her. And her mother too. Because y'know, it's mother's day so she shouldn't be lifting a finger.

For me: Never.

I don’t have children.

You should have nipped that shit in the bud as soon as your first ever mother's day as a mom was approaching 😅 have you ever asked her why you should lift a finger?

I don't want to have to leave my home and spend a fortune just to get away from her.

It's the opposite, I want to stay home, relax, have cups of tea brought all day, watch movies with DC, unplanned, wander out for a walk.

I would have breakfast in bed made for me and flowers and a card brought in at the same time then late morning, after church, we’d pop round to MIL’s with her card and flowers and have tea and cake. That’s all - just a nice show of appreciation. She never expected to be taken out anywhere and neither did I. My mum died when her first grandchild was one year old so sadly I didn’t get to include her in the celebrations.

Tell me you don't have a narc parent without telling me...

So is that what you do in your family then? When you have a child, you stop having to plan things for the mother who's now a grandmother?

This. All the mothers in the family are celebrated together over a roast that the husbands/fathers sort out. My mum will always be my mum so I will always want to make the day about her.. and my kids want to make it about me.

For me, after my mum has died. Before that it's both of ours.

That said, neither of us 'expect' much and it's more about spending time together. Neither is my mum a narcissist, so it's comparing apples and oranges.

I think you're right to be putting yourself first and I hope your children spoil you!

Do all of those things. Another world exists where mothers day means zero drama and just having a nice day for any mother in the family who wants to have a nice day. There will be kickback and dramas of course, try and let the storm go on around you and ignore it

Yes. My mom wouldn't expect us to be running around after her when we've got our own kids who want to celebrate with us. My mom isn't a narc obviously so I can't really say what you should try and do because I've never been in your position. Sorry

Mother’s Day should focus on the current generation of mothers with children (who are not adults) still at home. Because they’re the ones in the thick of the daily work of mothering. Older generations should be acknowledged and shown gratitude but it’s not all about them and they’ve had their years when it was.

I hear that as a sensible opinion, but is that what you actually did in your family?

This thread has made me realise that for my Mother, it probably wasn’t until her narcissist of a Mother died when I was in my 30s. This year will be my first Mother’s Day and as usual I’ve arranged a card and a gift to be sent to my Mother (different country) and I will spend the day with my DH and DS. DH’s Mum will also be around (unexpectedly, whole different thread) but their National Mother’s Day is in May, so frankly, back off Lady 😉

I love having my mum over on Mothers Day, I'll cook a roast, my teen DD will join us and I'll invite my elderly neighbour whose adult children have passed away. The perils of living into your 90's unfortunately. Everyone will get a nice little bunch of flowers, and a small box of chocs. We'll crack open a bottle of bubbly and toast those mums and children who aren't with us any longer.

It's a family day for me celebrating me and those who have gone before me. My DM has dementia now, so I'm making the most of the time I have with her. I don't expect to be waited on, we all pitch in with preparations and clearing up, I don't live with a partner so we do what we want and if that means we crash out on the sofa fat and full at 3pm whilst watching The Sound of Music, that's fine with me.

For my mum, I send a card and a present - I acknowledge it and use the opportunity to appreciate her. But it's different to the amount and type of fuss I would have made when I was a child. I think the mum who is actually doing daily mothering of dependent children should be the priority on mothers day. And I don't think my mum would expect me to put her first on mothers day.

Your mother sounds like a nightmare. I don't think you should sacrifice any more mothers days for her, and I think your dad should be trying to protect you from her. Stay at home, have a cup of tea in bed and enjoy being special, and turn your phone off.

My mums been dead for nearly 30yrs so it was always low key until DS arrived. Now he’s 20 so he does get me a card and some chocolates but we don’t make a big deal about it.