When does mother's day become your day and not your mother's?

[GettingChunkier]

Bit of a disclaimer here. My mother is a narcissist, so it's hard for me to be objective about how a "normal" family works this kind of thing.

She's about 70. I'm about 40. My eldest is 15, the youngest 4. Every year since I was about 14, mother's day has been about trying to appease her. Lavish presents. Always a very fancy home cooked meal, or paying for her and DF, and usually DNan, (her own DM who I invite/arrange as that's kind of expected of me too) plus either cooking/paying for my own meal and that of all the DC. I'm an only child.

This year, I've thought, I can't be done with this any more. Fuck the sulking and emotional abuse, I'm not waiting for my first mother's day where I'm enjoying it instead of running round after her like I have for the last 35 occasions, to be when I'm 50 and all my kids are older. About 3 weeks ago, I get a text asking what I've booked. In a nutshell I said I wasn't planning anything. She's sulking. DF is getting shitty with me in passive aggressive ways, basically because he's having to endure her sulking and the solution, as always, is for me to pander to her and put myself last... and I'm not.

I know that goes a lot deeper than mother's day, and I'm sure a lot of women enjoy the day out/in as a mother, and enjoy having their mum join them simultaneously (congratulations on not having a narc mum) but I wondered if other more normal families just had a sort of acceptance where mother's day becomes your time to enjoy instead of catering for your own mother? I can't imagine my kids having kids, and having tantrums at them expecting mothers day to be about me.

So do this. Decide what you want and do it. It's okay not to do what your mother wants.

What would you like your children to do in the future when they're parents? I'd imagine you'd want them to have a day where they're pampered and treated and their hard work in parenting is appreciated (either on mother's day or fathers day, whichever is applicable).

What you model now while they're young is what they'll see as the norm. If they see you running yourself ragged and sacrificing your happiness for the sake of someone who neither appreciates nor deserves you, they'll think that's the norm.

If they see you break the cycle and prioritize your happiness and your time with the people you want to spend it with, they'll be able to do the same for themselves in the future, without the emotional baggage attached that you're feeling now.

Breaking the cycle isn't easy, but as someone who is fairly recently no contact with Marc/extremely dysfunctional parents, it's the most important thing you'll ever do for yourself and your own kids ❤️

I spend Mother's day with my mum, my own family plus my sister and her children but we do the same every Sunday.

My mum is an easy going person overall though so she'd never want me to do all that fuss for her.

Prioritise your children and yourself. It's about time you get to enjoy the day. There's no way you should be catering to her every whim, she sounds incredibly selfish!

Suggest that she treat your Nan, her mum, to lunch/dinner.

I would say the moment you became a mum. Definitely prioritise yourself, it doesn’t make you selfish, no matter how much your mum tries to guilt trip you. I would just send flowers and a card to your mum (if you feel like it) and spend the day with your children however you wish. You’re a mum too, you deserve to be celebrated the way you’d like.

This sounds utterly delightful!

I dont think of it as a comperition and I think those who have to have deep thoughts over what is a day taken from a religious begining into a way to make people spend lots of money have bigger issues going on

To me it is a day for me to chose what works for that year on that day, next year may be different or the previous year

@GettingChunkier were either of your grandmothers alive when you were a child?

Just wondering if they were around, what treatment they got?

Why don't the DF's make it easier on their grown up adults with children and make a fuss of the 'old bats with attitude' organising a meal out for the 2 of them (plus nan) to take the bloody pressure off everyone. Not much help to anyone being passive aggressive towards you is it. There are so many families struggling with mother's day issues where grandma's think it's their chance to stick the boot in - it's so childish and just ruins it for everyone.

How kind and nice you are.

Dc - mid teens give me home made cards or bought, breakfast in bed. Flowers if .
Dh makes me my fave cake. We don't go out because he is a very good cook.
We don't do anything madly different tbh, as apart from the cards/ flowers it's a normal Sunday:)

My dm and mil have passed away. Mil would have got flowers and a call from DH - but we lived in different countries and if there would have been expected to have spent the entire day with her and made a giant fuss if we didn't. Dh always caved. I didn't so always caused a row.

My dm was different and would have been embarrassed if made a fuss over. But was always surprising her with little treats when could afford it, gardening mags in the post etc. She didn't expect anything. But always popped in, called, etc.

My mum moaned about how she’d had to organise lunch out on some
of her latter mothers days when we were older teens and I pointed out that I’d been the one to organise a whole family meal out for my first Mother’s Day (was happy to do it). Like every time when she looks like a hypocritical dick, she seethed visibly, but knew she couldn’t contradict me. My favourite is when she complains about her poor treatment as a child and I point out she did the exact same thing to me - HATES that and usually denies it ever happened. Also when she spends a long time venting and criticising the nasty, selfish and controlling behaviour of her older brother but again gets very angry if I say my brother (her golden child) did/does the same to me. Won’t hear a word against him. Probably bc he’s so like her.

She can be a fucking nightmare and altho I’m learning to ignore comments the older I get it still pisses me off to fuck. And she claims her mother was a self-absorbed narcissist - totally oblivious.

sometimes ds invites me and my dm for a meal
this year i may meet dm, my dd i may persuade to come too
when my dc were younger it was about me,
now, less so

I wish there were Mother’s Day cards that said
“I’m sure you did your best”

because that’s all I feel about that witch

@GettingChunkier ride it out and don't give in to your mum or dad. Stand firm, say that from 2025 you are making a change and it is your day. It would be lovely if your dad could support you in that but he has also been conditioned and is expecting you to make his life easier. Don't rescue him, rescue yourself.

Stay at home, spend it how you wish, how you deserve. It will be difficult and you will feel guilty because that's what she does to you. But in retrospect it will be a huge step.

For me mothers day is about sharing the joy and acknowledging our supportive relationships with each other through the generations. However my DH grew up with a neglectful mother and there is no supportive or positive relationship to celebrate and yet he still buys her a card and takes her flowers the day before.

Like yourself he feels obligated and the fall out of not doing anything, is worse than a trip to deliver a card and flowers.

I have a narc mum. Emotional abuse and all the scars. Stopped doing Mother’s Day absolutely years ago now. My family do Mother’s Day for me: tea in bed, flowers and we spend the day together, go for an outing. It means a lot to me. I feel guilty for my mum. I don’t call on Mother’s Day. It’s a bit of a principle really. Not sure but I think my DBro does the same although we haven’t discussed it.
Well done taking a first step. I’ve found it helps to adopt an approach of “never complain, never explain”. If you complain about DM’s narc behaviour it will BLOW UP. If you explain your decision to fuck her off on Mother’s Day it will BLOW UP. Just quietly do what you want.
Terrifying until it becomes the new normal.
A few horrid texts and voicemails that go unanswered are usually be enough to stop the shitty behaviour.
Easier said than done, I know.

I’m the same as you, DM and MIL get collected, fed (starters, big roast, desserts, nibbles), watered, dropped home. Flowers, decent choc, wine gifts. My DM is a good un to be fair, but there’s no acknowledgement from either DM/MIL that I’m a mother too. DH often isn’t even here for this meal as he’s travelling back from work.

We don’t go out as DM can’t manage/doesn’t like it too busy. It would be much easier to go out, no cleaning up!
Posted about this before and was told you just have to stop and make it your own. This time I’m going on holiday, so both will get gifts dropped to them but I’m not cooking.

I already do a lot of dinners, Easter, Christmas, even Halloween. So I’m intending not to feel too guilty, but I will.

I'd say I first enjoyed Mother's Day without stress when MIL was no longer the main mother it was about, so when I was 52 and ds was 17.

Neither my DM nor my MIL was narcissistic or demanding but my MIL did expect a visit, lunch etc from my dh which meant there wasn't any room for me to have a day I enjoyed. Ds does a card and I'm happy with that, but if I'm honest I'd expect as and when his partner becomes a mother that the emphasis would be on her.

@Glitchymn1 why do so many dinners per year? I would start drop them all apart from Christmas then invite them over for a random dinner that is not linked to any event. Your kids would probably like time with just you as they will have noticed their grandmothers are hard work.

OP my mother's now dead. She made it clear when she was alive the children who should be doing Mother's Day stuff for her were her childless children. (That's because it's actually Mothering Sunday.)Even then she just expected a card and a gift to be able to watch more TV.

I was coming on here to say this - that's what worked for me!!!!

Think of you and your children...life is too short....x

I would do whatever makes you happy. This year I am spending Mother’s Day with my daughter and her family and she has also invited her mother in-law. Luckily we all get on but this isn’t always the case

In an honest answer, it shouldn’t be anyone’s and not their mother’s, it should be everyone’s!

Mn is gone mad this year on ‘but I want it to be about me’- it should always have been about you, it should always have bern about your mum too and it should be about mils too. Everyone this year is like I want it for me, but it can always be both, the trouble is your mum wants it all about her, so that wipes any sensible plans.

As people have said a lot before on mn, the problem is people are so busy and wrecked they come to holidays such as these and want them to be amazing- they want a break, they want everyone to acknowledge and laud everything they do and have done, which isn’t realistic really!

I have two DD, a mum, nan, 2 sisters, aunts, cousins so that’s 5 mums who get together, no one doesn’t lift a finger on Mother’s Day instead, we all spend the day together and enjoy each others company.
I don’t expect my girls to wait on me any more than my mum expects me to do it to her, Mother’s Day for me is a chance to show appreciation for you mum not be their slave 😂

Ime, when she died. By then, my kids had left home.

I’m not a fan of Mother’s Day, I find it very complex.

the problem is people are so busy and wrecked they come to holidays such as these and want them to be amazing.

I think the real problem is people are influenced by advertising and increase their expectations accordingly (which is also linked to how "busy" they like to think they are, but that's another topic!). People can obviously mark the occasion how they like, but it doesn't have to be as complicated as the annual Mothers' Day posts on here make out. Just some flowers and/or a card is fine.