When does mother's day become your day and not your mother's?

[GettingChunkier]

Bit of a disclaimer here. My mother is a narcissist, so it's hard for me to be objective about how a "normal" family works this kind of thing.

She's about 70. I'm about 40. My eldest is 15, the youngest 4. Every year since I was about 14, mother's day has been about trying to appease her. Lavish presents. Always a very fancy home cooked meal, or paying for her and DF, and usually DNan, (her own DM who I invite/arrange as that's kind of expected of me too) plus either cooking/paying for my own meal and that of all the DC. I'm an only child.

This year, I've thought, I can't be done with this any more. Fuck the sulking and emotional abuse, I'm not waiting for my first mother's day where I'm enjoying it instead of running round after her like I have for the last 35 occasions, to be when I'm 50 and all my kids are older. About 3 weeks ago, I get a text asking what I've booked. In a nutshell I said I wasn't planning anything. She's sulking. DF is getting shitty with me in passive aggressive ways, basically because he's having to endure her sulking and the solution, as always, is for me to pander to her and put myself last... and I'm not.

I know that goes a lot deeper than mother's day, and I'm sure a lot of women enjoy the day out/in as a mother, and enjoy having their mum join them simultaneously (congratulations on not having a narc mum) but I wondered if other more normal families just had a sort of acceptance where mother's day becomes your time to enjoy instead of catering for your own mother? I can't imagine my kids having kids, and having tantrums at them expecting mothers day to be about me.

I have a narc Mum @GettingChunkier . Sending solidarity, it was horrendous as a child and she’s still a complete nightmare today! Must have been especially hard as an only child, at least I have siblings to share the load and to complain to each other.

I was the first sibling in my family to have a baby. And I did put my foot down on that first year - I told her that Mother’s Day is primarily for Mums who are in the thick of active parenting with young children. And that it was my day now. You can imagine how well that went down. There was a huge tantrum and fall out.

Having my first child was my turning point in standing up to my Mum and the start of going low contact with my parents. It was the best thing I ever did.

I still send a card and flowers on Mother’s Day (but I make sure it’s the shittest card in the shop, with no best Mum message!) But the day is now spent with me spending lovely time with my children.

It’s not too late to make this year your turning point to lay boundaries with her. There will be a tantrum, a huge attempt to guilt trip you etc. But just stand firm and refuse to debate it. It is time for you not to lift a finger and to be celebrated at Mother’s Day. She can choose to put on a lovely day hosting her own Mother if she so wishes.

Solidarity here too.
Mother same as yours. Its horrendous.
Please be firm and do not end up doing what she expects from you. Have your day, do what you like to do. Ignore he sulking. Think that if you don't stop you will never enjoy your own life.
I'm doing therapy thanks to my narcissistic mother. I know exactly how it feels xxx

I’m sending you lots of love and thoughts. I’ve a narcissistic mother too and yes she is exactly like this. She expects lavish thoughtful gifts and a long visit from us and our children. She sits like a queen on the throne accepting
her presents sneering when there is something she thinks isn’t good enough.

This year she is very ill and
will probably be her last. She is guilting us all into
going
there for the full day on Sunday. My MIL doesnt
get a look in and my lovely kids make it clear I’m special.

Next year will be my year. Sending you strength and
positivity! Xx

All very nice if you all live close to each other. Many families are scattered.

I personally would be happy to see Mother's day scrapped. What an utter shit show it's turned into for thousands of people. Fathers day just does not attract the same angst.
People who have recently lost their mothers or who knows that this is their last mother's day.
People who have lost their babies.
People who are going through IVF.
People who wish they had better mothers or better kids.

Collectively, it's a lot of pain for a bunch of daffodils and a box of dairy milk.

Tell her it’s Mothering Sunday not Mother’s Day. That is the USA import.
Then go off and spend time with the places spaces and people who make YOU feel mothered.

As a PP said further back in the thread, congratulations OP. It sounds like you’ve reached the point where you’re breaking the pattern for your own good.
Of course she’ll sulk and send passive aggressive messages via her flying monkeys, because that’s what narc’s do to get their way.
You’ve been bullied and hoodwinked into accepting that having to do her bidding is normal. It’s not and especially not as an adult with your own family.
Explain what you are doing for Mother’s Day, send her some flowers and put her out of your mind. Your duty is done. Stick with that decision and see how liberated you feel. Be comfortable in the fact you are making a rational and balanced decision and enjoy the period of no contact this will bring you.
Solidarity ✊

OP you have my sympathies… I have a mother just like yours … every single day is draining with her. Fortunately I have an amazing sister so we share the pain together 🤣 but any celebration really has to be centred around my mothers wants/ needs etc and if they are not her satisfaction (rarely are) we can expect hysterical tears/ sulks/ nasty comments. The fact we both have children on Mother’s Day is frankly irrelevant. Also I recently moved 25 miles away from her as cheaper to rent - she has now moved 2 roads away from me.. mostly to manipulate and control me and ensure I’m close enough to run errands, clean her house and be on hand when needed…she milks illnesses (still recuperating from a minor operation 2.5 years ago) and thrives on attention. If you don’t have a mother like it it’s hard to believe there is no changing them. Believe me we’ve tried! For context my mother is 80 I’m mid 40s she’s been like it as long as I remember. I have no advice but I hear you xx

When my 3 were young we visited both mums on the day with cards and usually flowers and then had the morning and evening just us. But this was donkeys years ago when visiting your parents regularly was a thing not like now when apparently every body is too busy to visit.
Anyway you are absolutely doing the right thing to put yourself yourself first when your mum is so awful.

Do what is within your control. You can't control your mother's feelings and reactions but you can change completely choose what you want to do on the day.

We (two women) have children (my steps) and mums in the mix. My mother was narc. Mothers day had to all be about her. Even when I became a step-parent and our kids wanted to do nice things for us. The kids also had to pay homage, and we all had to go to her.
My mother-in-law? Complete opposite. Made sure the kids had got a card, present and flowers for their mum, for the first couple of years that I was on the scene. Then she made sure I was included too, in helping the kids to buy cards & gifts. We do the same for her, but she's always been insistent that the kids and their mum come first. She's had her turn and now it's her daughter's turn.
It's been eye-opening to see how a 'normal' family dynamic works! Sending you solidarity @GettingChunkier You sound to have drawn a line in the sand. Your mother might never really acknowledge that you're now an adult and a mother, because that means loosening the power she has over you. I hope you have a lovely mother's day with your children.

When you give birth, surely. You've let this happen. Make this the year you fix it.

I treat my mum and my kids treat me! Every mother is important!

Sadly my husband didnt mark mother's day in his house growing up, so I don't get mother's day either! I'm kind of over it now DC are 15&17.

However my mum still expects a card and a present. But she doesn't get aything else and we don't see each other on the day usually.

I’ve a Narc MIL who thinks she is the sun and everyone else are planets revolving around her.

She likes to “punish” her DC when they don’t do as they are commanded. She tries that with me, but it has the opposite effect to what she expects.

I have invited my MIL quite a few times for MD lunch etc. She expects to be invited and to hold centre throne on all special occasions, oh except when it doesn’t suit her, but the next time she’ll expect us to fall into line.

PIL have spent a few special occasions e.g. Christmas on holiday, and so I’ve taken that as a reset. We now do what we want. Because of this we have been punished. So, we asked her to join us for a lovely MD lunch and she has told us she prefers to spent MD with her other DC (who is too scared to stand up to her). That’s fine, in fact bloody great. We’ll call her when we get back and I’ll tell her all about my champagne lunch.

I think a really good benchmark for us all is that MD is all about those in the thick of it, with a nod to Grandmas.

Yep you’ve got a narc mum.

if my daughter had a baby I’d be round there taking food and flowers. I’ve had my turn!

It's interesting how different things are in different families, and sadly, how awful some mothers are.

I've always seen it as a day to make a point of being with your mother, rather than being spoiled. For me it's best when the mothers and grandmothers spend it together, it doesn't really matter what we do. Often my mum has cooked, but she's getting older. This year my DSs and I are cooking for her.

We do cards, but not presents beyond a bunch of daffs, which I love at this time of year.

@Reugny I think it just started during covid and once started it becomes an expectation.

I think mother's day starts being about you once you've had a child. We do exactly what I want on that day.
We now celebrate with my mum/mil the day or week before/after.
Surely by you mums standards she should be planning for her own mum, and not you for your nan?
Stand your ground. She is not more important than you are.

OP, please put yourself first.
I am about the same age as your mother and also a grandmother. I hope my grandchildren will be spending the day with their mothers, spoiling them rotten.
I believe that MD should always be about the mothers who are actively involved in parenting. These years are special and you won’t get them back.
When I grew up (1950s and 1960s) MD was only ever about a small bunch of flowers that young children gave to their mothers. No older mothers were celebrated.
Some older mothers are becoming more demanding. My mother was like this and wanted to spend MD with all her children and all her grandchildren. On the other hand, she did not want to spend it with her own mother who was elderly. This happened once and once only. I am fairly LC with my mother now for many reasons.

If her mother is still alive surely she should spend the day pandering to her.

You get what you tolerate OP. You've tolerated crap for far too long.

I don't 'do' money making opportunity days such as Mothers day/Valentines or even birthdays/anniversarys. I detest all cards and gifts as pointless trivial waste of money.

My chosen relationships are worth more than cards. They are worth daily care and attention to the people I love and rather less to those I don't love, but have a filial duty to.

So I'll call my mother some time in the month of March and I will ignore mother's day, probably working anyway. My children will be nice to me on that day, as I expect them to be most days.

This.

Last year my sons took me out for lunch a week or so later. It was lovely to spend time with them. On the actual day they spent time with their wives and children. We're doing the same this year.

I was similar growing up, but I had 2 brothers as well (they didn't share the load) and they would expect me as a child to sort their mothers day gifts out and 'chip in' with the money and get all the praise from her for their zero effort, yet I ran around like a loon amd got no praise.
Me and my mother always clashed until my dad got sick, and I nursed him. He didn't last long, and he died when I was 25. Only then did my mother see me as a human being and actually give a damn (she was all for her boys).
Fast forward to when I met my now husband at age 33. When we got pregnant, he took myself and our bump out for a posh Mother's Day meal, and put his foot down with my mum (who was a bit like yours, all about her). His mum was understanding (she was heavenly my MIL) and accepted that he could only pop over and see her for an hour of a morning, before treating me.
My mother spat her dummy out and he put his foot down before I had a chance to 😆 he said that I'm (me) going yo be a mother soon, and I will need a nice day to relax and be spoilt. She's had years of spoiling and to back the F off.
Funnily enough she listened (she had no choice) and that was the start of boundaries being set in regards to Mothers day and other special occasions.
Even on Christmas we do our own thing (that's another convo).
I'm sorry your mum is being a narcissistic cow. It's hard when you grow up with a domineering mother who is all about her self. I found it draining and thought it was normal. I'm lucky as DH will see her for what she is and takes none of her BS. The funny thing is, she absolutely adores my DH because he stands up to her and stands up for me. It's a funny old world.
Enjoy mothers day xxx

In my family, mother's day is primarily for the mums who are doing the active parenting. They are made a fuss of by their kids and their DH (at the moment that's me, my sister and SIL). My first mother's day was the year my first baby was born. On mother's day I generally get tea, cards and gifts in bed. Then I get up when I fancy. Endless cups of tea and meals cooked for me. And homemade cake.

That means that my own DM's mother's day celebration happens the week before (we had DM and DD over on Sunday just gone, for a meal and gave her gifts and card), the day before (brother and SIL taking mum out for a meal this coming Saturday), and the weekend after (sister having her round to hers). Although we'll all phone her on mother's day itself. When my gran was still alive, when I was a child, it was just the same, my mum was the focus then.

The moment my DD becomes a mother, the day is primarily about her and I'd take a back seat.

I remember on my first mother's day, my mum gave me daffodils and wished me a happy mother's day too and it was lovely to be recognised by her in an equal way

I did both for many years. Not so much now. Used to wake up to a lovely morning with the children and then later on visit both our mums and take them a small gift, like a plant or something. That was it, nothing lavish.
I don't usually manage even that now, but my mum is the type of person who is happy with a posted card and tells us all not to get her anything, and we'll meet up on another day. We have something planned in a couple of weeks (not related) I'll probably just see her then.