When does mother's day become your day and not your mother's?

[GettingChunkier]

Bit of a disclaimer here. My mother is a narcissist, so it's hard for me to be objective about how a "normal" family works this kind of thing.

She's about 70. I'm about 40. My eldest is 15, the youngest 4. Every year since I was about 14, mother's day has been about trying to appease her. Lavish presents. Always a very fancy home cooked meal, or paying for her and DF, and usually DNan, (her own DM who I invite/arrange as that's kind of expected of me too) plus either cooking/paying for my own meal and that of all the DC. I'm an only child.

This year, I've thought, I can't be done with this any more. Fuck the sulking and emotional abuse, I'm not waiting for my first mother's day where I'm enjoying it instead of running round after her like I have for the last 35 occasions, to be when I'm 50 and all my kids are older. About 3 weeks ago, I get a text asking what I've booked. In a nutshell I said I wasn't planning anything. She's sulking. DF is getting shitty with me in passive aggressive ways, basically because he's having to endure her sulking and the solution, as always, is for me to pander to her and put myself last... and I'm not.

I know that goes a lot deeper than mother's day, and I'm sure a lot of women enjoy the day out/in as a mother, and enjoy having their mum join them simultaneously (congratulations on not having a narc mum) but I wondered if other more normal families just had a sort of acceptance where mother's day becomes your time to enjoy instead of catering for your own mother? I can't imagine my kids having kids, and having tantrums at them expecting mothers day to be about me.

@andthat , well done you lot. As it should be. 😉

My mum blatantly said to me after I had kids that it was time to stop making a fuss of her as it was my turn now. She is happy with a phone call and a card.

The reason people really look after their mums on mothers day (although it shouldn't only happen one day a year!) is because it's a hard job and you deserve to be taken care of yourself. Your mum hasn't been actively mothering for many many years. What is it she deserves a break from exactly? Tell her to do one.

I think a 'healthy' parenting relationship involves parents decentering themselves from their children's lives as their children become independent and create their own families. It doesn't mean they should be forgotten or that they're not still parents, it just means they're no longer the focus of days such as Mother's Day. The baton is passed to the mother (daughter or daughter-in-law) who are in the most active phase of motherhood.

For me, a mother of an adult child who has their own children, should be acknowledged on Mother's Day with a card and perhaps a gift or flowers, but not expect to be the centre of plans for the day.

When (if!?) my children are older with their own kids, I'll arrange something nice for myself on Mother's Day (hopefully with my dh). A lunch out or dinner - a treat and all I'll need to make me happy then is a thoughtful card from each of my children so I feel thought of on the day. I will not be expecting (or even hoping!) that they include me in their plans. I want them to enjoy being spoilt for a day and not have to factor in pleasing me. I genuinely won't be bothered. I'll have enjoyed 18+ years of Mother's Days where I was centred in the day and I'll be happy to now let them be centred within their own family.

So to answer your question, I think as soon as you have your own kids, you should be the centre of things, not your mum.

I put myself first when my mother sat at the table on Mother's Day and told my DC (age 8 and 7) about it being HER special meal on her special day. My DD piped up, "It's also Mummy's Day, too."

The innocence of my DDs words acted like an epiphany to me. A decisive moment of realisation about the extent of my mother's narcissism: I have ensured to avoid seeing her MD over the two decades since.

AFAIK Mothers Day is about my DIL now. She’s the one with the little baby at home, right in the thick of it. I absolutely wouldn’t expect DS2 to anything for me, nor DS1, other than to send me a card and FaceTime me. We don’t live near enough for them to just pop in.

This year, I’ve arranged for me and DH to take MIL out for afternoon tea because she’s recently widowed. I thought it might do her good to get out of the house for a bit. My mother, who I have a strained relationship with, is getting a bunch of flowers sent but tbf to her she doesn’t expect anything.

I still have teenagers at home so usually, yes my husband and kids make a fuss of me in some way. We have on some years had an extended family lunch with all the mums in the family but the focus is never just on one older generation mum. Certainly when my daughters and son are adults with children of their own I will not expect them to make Mother’s Day about me (of course I hope they mark the day with a card if nothing else) but enjoy the day with their own children and if I’m included too then that will be a bonus.

Thank you.

It's hard because it's the only form of mother I've ever known. You grow up, moulded to know that you do as you're told, she's the main character ,that she comes first, or you're nasty and she'll make sure you know it. Whilst society tells you this is the most unconditionally loving relationship you will ever have. Quite the juxtaposition to try and grow up with. It affects you, life long.

I'm taking steps to distance myself. It's so sad hearing about the other normal mothers and how they treat their DC, then looking at what I've had to endure. At least I can resonate with the "normal" mums, and know I'm not following in her footsteps.

Daughter of a mum who's given me some very odd behaviour over the years. Can't cope with anyone else being the focus. Actually threw a tantrum when I became a mum because she wasn't the 'mum' of the family anymore. Just giving you context so you know that I see you and I get it.

Don't feel guilty. Reinforce that as your kids have quite a big age gap you really want to enjoy Mother's Days while they're both still at home. Send a card and gift so she can't play the victim too much and say you can meet up with her another time. Also give your DH a kick up the butt for not supporting you more!

No. No at all. It happens when your children are able to organise something meaningful for you and not rely on anyone else to do it for them. Not their Dad and certainly not your Mum. Otherwise it becomes wives/partners day or daughters day.

By the time I became a mum, my parents were retired. My DM just said “you are a working family and we are retired. We are coming to you”. They lived three hours away so it meant they were here for the weekend. I had to host my db’s, too, but at least I am in my own home.

There’s nothing wrong about honouring all the mothers in the family.
The problem arises when one of them wants to monopolise the day and to hell with everybody else and the fact that they are mothers too.

Similar behaviour with Christmas when they claim they absolutely HAVE TO see the family on the day.

The dynamics of parent- child between adult has a lot to answer for. The adult child is no longer subordinate of their adult parent so doesn’t need to comply with their (unreasonable) expectation. The expectation that the parent is a centre piece of the day and if their want of grandiose appreciation is not fulfilled then it’s met with sulking,being passive-aggresive and emotional blackmail.

Maybe I’m biased because my MD was always the same. Up with the kids early as my parenting avoidant XH was not getting up. Flowers and card were either left on the table for me or given to me before we went to XMIL for nearly a whole day because she HAD TO celebrate Mother’s Day and fuck mine.

I wouldn’t mind the compromise but my needs/wants didn’t matter. I spent MD chasing after my 2 kids not in their home environment while the rest of adults sat down on their arses.

Lol, the very idea that this would come out of either of my parent's mouths.

What it must be like to have parents like this.

So sorry to hear this.

And oh my fucking god don't get me started on Christmas.

I could have written your post. Sending love and solidarity. It really is shit isn't it.

I do stuff for my mum (and mil) on Mother’s Day and that’s fine until my boys have their own money (the eldest is 3) and they can take me out.

@GettingChunkier thank you.

I’m out now. XH can go on his own to celebrate his Mummy dear.
I’m happy to stay with my kids because I love them.

Funnily enough last year was my first MD solo as we split and for the first time ever my XH asked what I wanted to do for MD as I was after all a mother 😂 no shit Sherlock

Mother’s Day becomes your day the second you give birth. I have a narc mother and haven’t pandered to her nonsense for 20 years. Ignore the sulking and enjoy your Mother’s Day.

I've been a parent for 16 years. Some years I do lunch for my mum, some years I just drop off a card and present and have the rest of the day for me. So there's been no cut off date for me. I did make extra efforts on mothers day for the first couple after my grandmother passed away as I appreciated that would be a difficult day for her so I wanted to try and ease it.

@GettingChunkier TBF to DM, she had moved from the city to the country when she married so we had plenty of occasions when we were piled into the car after work and driven away.

I then moved to the city when I married so she knew the score. And she was a lovely DM and a doting GM for the three years of it she managed.

My DF (90 now) has always come to me for occasions happily but this past week said the drive at Easter might now be beyond him. So, I need to think about managing that. Life goes on.

In my family you’re a mother for Mother’s Day purposes as soon as you become a mother, including being a pregnant expectant mother. If you don’t have any living children that also means you’re a mother and it’s a day for honouring that.

I don’t think it matters how old your children are, it’s my mother in law’s Mother’s Day as much as mine (I’m a mum to a one year old and was celebrated on the Mother’s Day when I was pregnant and then again with my baby).

However it’s not on you to be organising everything, and your mother sounds very selfish for expecting you to go all out for her without acknowledging that you’re a mum so it’s also a day for celebrating that.

All the mothers/grandmothers are celebrated equally in my family and it’s mainly the fathers/husbands job to do the organizing, planning and actual “work” of Mother’s Day along with the children, including adult children who are not yet mothers.

Then on Father’s Day the women and children in the family do the same in reverse.

When you don’t have a mum anymore..

No idea...49 with a 20yo DD and it still hasn't happened yet.

My mum isn't as full on yours by a long way but there's still a certain amount of expectation there.

This year DD is at uni so we'll do something when she's home.

I have a narc mother and stopped seeing her on mother's day after my son was born. I send her a text and just ignore the carrying on. Sometimes I even get a nice extended period without her talking to me which is nice. Otherwise I just ignore her texts and calls until she is ready to pretend it never happened.
One year she did trick me by inviting my MIL and FIL and SIL etc around to hers for a mother's day lunch. I almost refused but they already had accepted so felt I had to go. Of course in the days leading up to it she became way to unwell to cook and kept leaving messages asking for help which I ignored . A few days before my DH booked a yum cha lunch for everyone instead (to not leave anyone in the lurch).

You're incredibly self aware OP, which is great, there are so many posts on here of people with in laws like your mum, yet their spouses continually make excuses for them and refuse to accept their parents are doing anything wrong and it causes no end of relationship problems. It's no surprise for exactly the reason you said, it is what they have been brought up to believe is normal.

I think knowing is half the battle, and suitably dealing with it is the other half, forget 'mothers day', this is an all year round problem and it definitely isn't too late to start putting yourself and your family first above that, if they can't accept it then it's tough. Nothing should be done for people because it is 'expected', it should be done for people because you WANT to do it and you take pleasure in doing it, if you don't feel either of those thing you are just doing it out of obligation and it is meaningless.

I hope you have a fantastic day, knowing that things are about to change for the better!

It's usually mine, my mom and my sister's day, given we're all mothers.

I have a similar mother OP, apart from Mothers Day when she most surprisingly gave me a card and flowers for my first Mother’s Day after having a baby saying that it was my turn now! I do give her a card and flowers otherwise I’m sure she would sulk. But no other fuss required.

Other occasions are a different matter mind you!

I agree with other posters that you should spend the day how you want to. And enjoy!