When does mother's day become your day and not your mother's?

[GettingChunkier]

Bit of a disclaimer here. My mother is a narcissist, so it's hard for me to be objective about how a "normal" family works this kind of thing.

She's about 70. I'm about 40. My eldest is 15, the youngest 4. Every year since I was about 14, mother's day has been about trying to appease her. Lavish presents. Always a very fancy home cooked meal, or paying for her and DF, and usually DNan, (her own DM who I invite/arrange as that's kind of expected of me too) plus either cooking/paying for my own meal and that of all the DC. I'm an only child.

This year, I've thought, I can't be done with this any more. Fuck the sulking and emotional abuse, I'm not waiting for my first mother's day where I'm enjoying it instead of running round after her like I have for the last 35 occasions, to be when I'm 50 and all my kids are older. About 3 weeks ago, I get a text asking what I've booked. In a nutshell I said I wasn't planning anything. She's sulking. DF is getting shitty with me in passive aggressive ways, basically because he's having to endure her sulking and the solution, as always, is for me to pander to her and put myself last... and I'm not.

I know that goes a lot deeper than mother's day, and I'm sure a lot of women enjoy the day out/in as a mother, and enjoy having their mum join them simultaneously (congratulations on not having a narc mum) but I wondered if other more normal families just had a sort of acceptance where mother's day becomes your time to enjoy instead of catering for your own mother? I can't imagine my kids having kids, and having tantrums at them expecting mothers day to be about me.

The thing is, your mother IS a daughter - so what is SHE planning for her own mother? Crazy

Ask your mother what’s she doing for her Mum.

When I was a kid, Mother’s Day was always about my mum, never my nan (her mum), and now I’ve got kids of my own it’s about me, and I send my mum a card in the post (she doesn’t live close enough to go for lunch or anything anyway).

@GettingChunkier when someone becomes a mum is my opinion. I dropped the rope a bit on Mother's Day a few years ago when my mum behaved especially badly. Now l have children it's dropped further. My life is super busy and hers isn't, she is not a great mum or grandmother. Not sure what she's doing Sunday but lm having a lie in, hanging out with husband and children then having a takeaway.

My mum sounds rather similar to yours and one of her phrases you've hinted at is "you're nasty". Definitely one of my mums favourites. Problem is it makes my husband laugh and have the urge to say "lm not playing with you, you're mean!". With people like our mums NOTHING you do is ever good enough and l can't be bothered trying

When my mum was alive we didn't really 'do' mother's day. I sent a card when I no longer lived at home.
Since having kids, who are now adults, we have gone out for tea or similar with MIL and the other 'side' (BIL and his fam), but it has also been 'my' day in terms of getting cards and maybe a small gift or chocs. Dh nudge the kids or bought their cards until they were old enough to do so themselves, and now I'm lucky if I get a text from them although DD is quite good at sending cards via Moonpig! DCs not generally here on the day as it's uni term time still.

It’s crazy that I have to hunt out a card for my mum that has no messages of love or affection on them. Which makes it all the more ridiculous and farcical a situation.

It is the same for me. I am fairly LC. I do still send a card. Last year I thought I had got a really good card and then I opened in up and it said ‘to the best mother in the world’. She was far from that. 😠

We don’t make a big deal of it. My kids pick me daffodils from the garden and make me breakfast in bed. I send a card to my mum. I might pop in and see her or if not I would phone her. That’s it. It is a hard day for my mum as her mother and her other DC have died. I usually write thinking of you on Mother’s Day in the card.

My children made cards at primary school. Breakfast in bed, flowers and lots of cuddles. Daddy cooked dinner. I felt blessed.

We did whip round to my mum and mil with cards and flowers too.

I share it with my mum and family as in-laws are passed away. I like my mum though.
min your shoes is probably send flowers or drop them off the day before and say your kids have plans for you so shall we come to you for lunch next Sunday or something like that. When she pulls a face say oh no, don’t worry if it’s too much bother

Mother’s Day never stops being a day for all mothers whatever their age. The problem is that expectations have become too high. It’s enough to send some flowers and a card or a box of chocolates. No one should be expected to host a big meal or travel for miles or leave their own family for the day,

Love this. 👆
I think for me personally, a cuppa tea in bed with a nice bagel, or later on a nice meal cooked or a cheap takeaway meal from a nice place is perfect, (and some wine and/or chocs if they remember is nice but not necessary) as long as I have a break from cooking that day. 😇 it should not cost the earth 😇

Me, my DH and DS (age 5.5) relax that day and either watch a film/ play games / walk dog in the local park or on the beach, and just relax. Blissful and easy, no song and dance.
I'm lucky if I even get a chocolate though, as my DH and DS are chocoholics! 😆 so I usually drink all the wine 😆

It's very low key in our family. I send my mum a card and some flowers and wish her a happy mother's day on the Sunday.

DH takes me (and DDs) out for a meal as my one request is I don't have to cook.

We go out, the three generations of our family, for lunch on Mothers Day. DDIL and I get on well, like friends. I have tried hard to be there for her, as a foreigner with no family in this country. She is keen for the DGC to see us as much as possible - because they love it. We only live 10 minutes drive away. There’s no competition about who does the most “mothering”, which I find a weird concept?

Oh yes, this is the best part

The hypocrisy

Let her sulk. Send a bunch of flowers. My mum was a bit like this for a long time, and despite having been a mother for 23 years I’ve never had a Mother’s Day where I was the object of any fuss. This year I’m taking my mum out for lunch, but that’s because I want to rather than because I feel the need to please her.

You can’t control other people’s behaviour, but you can control your response. You don’t need to justify what you are or aren’t doing. Just do what you want!

I don't think it's ever really been 'my' day, apart from once when my daughter took us all out to lunch. It's never been a bit thing - I always got my mother and grandmother cards... I usually get cards (not always!) but that's about it. If there's ever a family lunch on that day its because I have arranged and cooked it. I don't usually see my children... One lives 6 hours away, the other has her own children and her own mother's day.

I was wondering this recently. Lucky for me my mum is lovely, even so, this year I'm going to see her on Saturday and leave mother's day free for me and my dc.

I don't think she'll mind, especially if I message or phone on the day too. I have a slight guilty feeling though, so maybe I shouldn't.

I think you are doing the right thing @GettingChunkier, you deserve to enjoy your day.

I have 4 grown up children. 2 are dads. I expect their focus to be helping their DC spoil their wives. I expect nothing from my grandchildren. I get lovely cards and some small gifts and that’s lovely!

I think mothers day is for children to show their love and appreciation for their mother in their own way as is age appropriate. So I wouldn't expect anything much until the first finger painted card from nursery. After that as they grow what is done for you depends on their choice and resources. When they are adults they are in a position to give you a great day if they choose. If you have adult children who want to make it your day and you want to do the same for your mother you have to share the day or all spend it together.

I find it odd that so many people seem to see this in reverse and think as mothers they are the ones to decide how the day pans out. Its really up to the child to decide as it's their gift. So, OP, do for your mum as you choose and let your DC do the same for you.

It took quite a few years after I became a Mum that the focus became more about me than my Mum, probably at least 10-12 years.

I don’t not celebrate with her, I always give a card and gift and ring her on the day, but the expectation that we’ll go out and do something for her (not us) has now stopped. I wouldn’t have minded if it had been a Mother’s Day event, something that we’d both enjoy, but it was very much sold as Mum’s Mother’s Day not our Mothers Day. We had the same issue with Father’s Day, it just became frustrating - we never saw my grandparents on MD/FD so I don’t quite know where it came from

When I became a mother (26 years ago)....but she always disparaged Mothers Day as A Hallmark fabrication which I think was an idea from my Father's (accurate) thoughts on Father's Day.

My siblings soldiered on and sent her cards and flowers over the years but this year is the first that I have realised my Father's ideas are not necessarily hers so have sent a card and present.

My first Mothers Day as a mum was also my first without my mum. MIL is American, and that’s on a different date.

That must be really upsetting, I know someone who lost her mum on the same day her daughter was born, first child & same hospital. You have my sincere sympathy and condolences - hopefully your little one is a blessing in disguise and gives you unconditional love.

I lost my mum in my 20s and every mother's day since has crucified me, only when I had my DD did I realise the depth's of a mother's love xx

Do you know what's really sad. The frequent mention of little ones wanting to show their mother that they loved them. And that's never even occurred to me.

When I think back to myself as a child, mother's day to me, meant I'd better do something good enough for her, or the sour face at the home made card and victim mentality "clearly I'm not worth the effort to you" would make me feel horrible. I think I was only 13 when I first made the trip to my nearest city, alone, on the train to spend my whole savings at the time (£40) on a Chanel nail varnish and posh chocolates for mother's day. I was very much praised for doing this. Spending everything I had, leaving me with nothing at all, on something over indulgent for her was exactly what she expected. I certainly didn't do it out of love, I did it out of fear of her reaction otherwise.

She really is a prick. I can't imagine doing this to my DC. Adult me is so angry for little me.