Just want bio mum to step up

[mumsthewordi]

Long story short, SS decided he wanted to live with dad and me when he was 9,l and he is 13 now, it was meant to be temporary - but he’s never been encouraged to go home and BM hasn’t ever asked him! I was high risk pregnancy and focused on DD and they have a lovely relationship, but I’ve never got use to being a SM too, I feel quite blindsided too as the grandparents and OH just constantly tell me why he should be with us , and yes he’s happy but my feeling is no one’s ever encouraged a positive reconciliation- they say well “she doesn’t want him.” However, I don’t think it’s that simple and she also went through a lot during Covid when he made this decision. I have made sure they have contact but it’s not regular.

its hard but perhaps I feel this way as I don’t have a strong maternal bond towards him and for that I feel guilty because he has a mother.

@nomas
it isn’t the stepdad posting for advice on this thread though is it?!?
so there would be no point whatsoever advising a hypothetical stepdad what to do would there?

the op is posting on this thread. Ergo, the advice is for her.

ditto the ‘bio’ mum. Not on the thread so not a whole lot of point giving them advice is there.

I absolutely would. Point me to a thread where a step dad is saying his step child should be encouraged to go home (to not his house) and I'll tell him the same.

You don't see it cos there's very few men post on MN. You see us saying it to step mums because they post.

Because she thinks he should move back in with his mum even though he’s chosen to live with his dad. Because she’s started a family with someone who already has a child but finds them inconvenient. She feels used because the son has moved in and she earns more than her DP. She’s said her DP works and is involved with the day to day work of running the house so her only issue appears to be that her SS is living with her. I think it’s rage bait. Anyone that’s spent any time on mumsnet would know this would blow up

Don't get het up about the bio mum thing. It's just a good way to make a potentially confusing post less confusing.

Other than that, I agree. If partner has kids, you always have to be prepared to welcome them to live with you if needed. If you can't do that...

But it's not much use saying that now, as you have a child together.

Literally this this.

Don’t get involved with a man who has children unless you’re prepared to be their step mum. It’s literally that simple. There’s plenty of time to figure out if you want to jump ship. Then… When you’re in, you’re in.

are you actually ok? you seem quite triggered. I wasn't trying to make anyone angry - had to look up rage bait, i obviously don't spend as much time as you on here to become familiar with the term

thank you for all the great advice and the haters, i mean its all learning!

I was prepared to be one, but not fulltime - and to have my life then so drastically changed by a decision made by a 9yo
i suppose i was naïve to think that no mother would disown her own son practically or that the courts or even close family would allow him, he seemed quite young to me.
He left everything he knew, but weve built a normal family - whatever normal is - i was just a bit clueless as to this happening.

To whomever said suck it up, that is all i've been doing.

Nope, step-dads are consistently told they’re not obligated to take on step-dc. See examples below.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/5011541-how-much-should-a-stepdad-be-doing

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5070813-expectations-from-step-dad

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/4410374-Struggling-Stepdad

See above.

Being prepared to be a step mum means being prepared and happy to have this child full time. You can never guarantee what happens with the other parent. You can’t say “I was prepared to be a part time step mum” - you’re either in or out.

Your life wasn’t drastically changed by a 9 year old. It was changed by being with his father, who is fathering. If you need him to step up, say that. If you need him to move out and live separately, say that too. But you absolutely cant have him to yourself and this was realistically never on the table

So kick them out if you're not happy?

And again, step-dads are never told they need to be prepared to have their step-dc full time.

How many step-dads do you know who pay all the bills and do all the cooking and cleaning for their step-dc?

I've looked at them all.

First one, woman is asking what she should expect from a step dad in terms of behaviour for them as a family and is given various advice. But it's about a man who has been clear with her he doesn't want to be a dad, so the thread mostly focuses on why a man with no interest in having children wants to be with a woman with one. You're right, noone is saying "don't be with a woman with kids if you don't want to be a step dad" but it's cos they're talking to her, not him, and I've seen questions asked around that topic.

Second one is similar, what should she expect. People are saying her DP sounds like a lodger not a partner or parent. Not the same scenario.

Third one is a man who is absolutely willing to be a step dad, asking advice on behavioural issues. So obviously no one has said don't be with a woman with kids if you're not prepared to be a step parent. Cos he has made it clear he's all in as their step parent.

Being prepared to be a step mum means being prepared and happy to have this child full time. You can never guarantee what happens with the other parent. You can’t say “I was prepared to be a part time step mum” - you’re either in or out.

No, you can never guarantee you won't end up with a full time step child, but its far more likely to be part time, and that's what most of us can cope with

either in or out? who says, get off your high horse

Like I said, if OP needs her DP to step up or move out and live separately- then she absolutely should say that. You’re conflating two issues. One is that the OP is being taken advantage of by a cocklodger who won’t lift a finger or reach in his wallet. The other is her saying she did not sign up for being a step mum full time. If you sign up for being a step mum, that’s it. You can’t get just the arse because the child now lives with you full time. This is always a possibility. It shouldn’t be assumed that because he’s the “dad” you can be a “weekend step mum” - that he won’t ever have the child move in. Sometimes mums are shit. Sometimes they die. It happens.

You absolutely can get the arse they your DP isn’t stepping up as he should. RIP him a new one for it, I actively encourage it. Stop doing everything, stop paying everything.

My DP is step dad to my two and has went out of his way to provide, cook, clean and take care of them and myself. We work as a family unit but he does his full share without ever needing to be asked. He used his own savings as down payment on a house within the children’s school district and moved to not uproot them. They are with us full time. It was never a question, he never talks about having “time away” from them. Never gets resentful that their father isn’t around.

You're blaming OP not his mother who abandoned him?

First one, woman is asking what she should expect from a step dad in terms of behaviour for them as a family and is given various advice. But it's about a man who has been clear with her he doesn't want to be a dad, so the thread mostly focuses on why a man with no interest in having children wants to be with a woman with one. You're right, noone is saying "don't be with a woman with kids if you don't want to be a step dad" but it's cos they're talking to her, not him, and I've seen questions asked around that topic.

he has not been clear to her he doesn’t want to be a dad. She says ‘I was not aware he didn't want children, he said he would have them if I wanted them’. He lets the dc call him step-dad.

Really weird how you think it’s ok for him to check to check out of being a step-dad and yet you tell OP she has to take on her dp’s dc because they live with her.

Second one is similar, what should she expect. People are saying her DP sounds like a lodger not a partner or parent. Not the same scenario.

No, it’s people mostly telling her he should do chores but he doesn’t have to take care of step-dc. So very far from ‘take them on as your own’.

Third one is a man who is absolutely willing to be a step dad, asking advice on behavioural issues. So obviously no one has said don't be with a woman with kids if you're not prepared to be a step parent. Cos he has made it clear he's all in as their step parent.

But the point is people are telling him to step back from parenting. Whilst your telling OP a step-mum has to take on step dc as her own.

Actually that's kinda how it is with kids. Would you want any step mother of DD to only want to be part time, and if you died or were too unwell to have her full time to not want her in their home?

Or would you want any parental figure in her life, biological or not, to be 100% in?

I ask again, how many step-dads do you know who pay all the bills and do all the cooking and cleaning for their step-dc?

And if the answer is none, then why is this being expected of a step-mum?

Is the OP currently working, do we know? Just because it is her house and she pays the majority of the bills doesn't necessarily mean she's working. She could be on extended maternity leave or she could have got a large payout of insurance when she was sadly widowed, which may mean the house is paid for and there is cash in the bank and she's now a SAHM. Either of those things might explain why she does all the cooking and cleaning.

Actually I said they're different scenarios to this one. Not a single one of them is encouraging SS to go home or saying they were prepared to do it not full time.

I said, in a previous post, she doesn't have to love step kids but she shouldn't enter a relationship with a man who has them without being prepared for the possibility that being a step parent is full time. Not that she should take them on as her own. Just that it's always a possibility that it becomes a full time gig. If you're not prepared for that, don't get involved with a parent.

And that's what I'd say to anyone, man or woman. Input is as per what works for an individual person/family. But you can't choose for it to only be part time because the best place for the step child may be with your new partner. And that could change on a sixpence if it wasn't the case when you first met them.

Who exactly is expecting it of a step mum? Besides OP’s partner, who I have told should be put firmly in his place?

When have I even once condoned the expectation that a step mum be chained to the cooker with mop in hand? Being a step mum full time doesn’t mean doing everything. It just means you can’t send the child away from their father’s home because you can’t be arsed.