Just want bio mum to step up

[mumsthewordi]

Long story short, SS decided he wanted to live with dad and me when he was 9,l and he is 13 now, it was meant to be temporary - but he’s never been encouraged to go home and BM hasn’t ever asked him! I was high risk pregnancy and focused on DD and they have a lovely relationship, but I’ve never got use to being a SM too, I feel quite blindsided too as the grandparents and OH just constantly tell me why he should be with us , and yes he’s happy but my feeling is no one’s ever encouraged a positive reconciliation- they say well “she doesn’t want him.” However, I don’t think it’s that simple and she also went through a lot during Covid when he made this decision. I have made sure they have contact but it’s not regular.

its hard but perhaps I feel this way as I don’t have a strong maternal bond towards him and for that I feel guilty because he has a mother.

There is no high-horse.

One is either all in with a parent they decide to live with and create a new family with.

Or they are all-out.

One does not live with and start a new family with a parent.

Women mainly tell other women they have to be 100% in to being a step-parent as a way to punish a woman for daring to have another relationship after kids.

She doesn’t do all the cooking and cleaning or pay all the bills. She did say that initially but changed it further down to detail that he contributes to all.

Each of those shows the double standards at play for step mums vs step dads. Step dads are mainly told they don’t have to take on parental duties, yet step-mums are told that they have to 100% take on step-kids as their own.

Even on a thread where OP is paying all the bills and doing all the cooking and cleaning for her dc, she is still being told she’s not doing good enough.

It’s you and others who posed things like below:

Being prepared to be a step mum means being prepared and happy to have this child full time.

I'm saying it because that's what I would do. And it's what I would do cos it's what I would want for DD if she ended up with a step parent.

Either you're willing to have them in your life or you're not. It's not a part time job. For men or women.

Why is OP the villain in this story? She provides the home where her step-son lives and she has just said that she wishes that he spent some time with his mother. It doesn't sound as though her partner pulls his weight financially, in the home or with his own daughter with OP who she is pretty much left to parent singlehandedly, so she is rightfully pissed off.

Obviously not ...... (she seems to avoid any blame but heaven help the step mother)

Why do you have the assumption that his mother should be his resident parent? He is happy with his father so there is no need for him to move out.

Or maybe it’s a way to protect children from the women who will get together with a man who has children. Make more children with him, then push out the original children because they are “too much”

How would OP feel if something happened to her which meant now theoretical ex DP had to have her child full time, but XDP had already moved onto to have another child and the mother of that child did t want her DC around. Now XDP says “Sorry, she didn’t sign up to be a step mum full time, just a mum to our own child. That means I can’t be a full time dad either.”

Again, there is inherent misogyny at play here. You talk about protecting children from step-mothers, but the biggest danger for children is when a step-father moves in.

I think it's sad that your SS doesn't see his mother, and awful that he's been seperated from his brother. He needs to have contact with both, and his Dad should be doing all he can to support his sons relationships with other family members.

I can understand how you feel used - would you partner have to get a different, better paying job if you weren't subsidising him? Would his son be living with you if you didn't have such a comfortable lifestyles? The fact that you're doing the bulk of work aroundvthe house is rubbing salt into the wound.

I think the priority should be your SS building a relationship with his mum and brother. He needs to spend time with them, and I think you're totally reasonable to not want him with you all the time.

You're right not to get married, you'll be financially vulnerable if you do.

Am confused over the number of children. Do you have 2 daughters with your partner @mumsthewordi and there are 2 stepsons, one who lives with you and one with mum?

If DH and his parents thinks ex is a bad mum why are they happy for the other son to live with her?

Yes the latter - two sons one with mum one with us

i suppose they feel she treated eldest differently. I don’t know what to believe! But either way she’s not trying much

@mumsthewordi

I think everyone who has read your posts properly can see that you are a caring step-mum, but I think you have to accept that your stepson is not going back to his mum.

With that in mind, what would improve the situation? A cleaner, so you spend less time on housework? DH putting aside time to spend with DD? The GP babysitting both kids so you & DH can go out together regularly? Or just more appreciation from DH that you are constantly going above & beyond for your family?

Have a good think about what you want & then talk to DH. 💐

i dont get it? do you resent SS because he lives with you and his father?

so they have one child each? so essentially doing 50% of the work each?

not ss, OH but i manage it well and check myself regularly - as being that way doesn't do anyone any good, but the resentment comes from not having the life i envisaged - especially as i had a rough ride first time around. I am happy and try to focus on the positives overall, despite the small feelings of resentment - is just feeling sorry for the kid that his mum is like this.

a strange way to view it - the siblings should also be together.

Both of them somewhere else, is what you want.

troll comment if ever i read one, that's not what i want at all. I want recognition, OH to do more, his mum to recognise her son and give him what he deserves at least some of the time

So if the SS living with you moves back with mum, would you then have 50:50 of both stepsons?

A fit and loving mum should be the one doing the talking and bending over backwards to have regular contact and to get him back. It sounds like she's either unfit or unmotivated to have him, so it's right that his dad and grandparents are looking after him properly

YANBU - she sounds like a shitty mum and I am not surprised you are calling her 'bio mum' as that is how she is behaving.

You don't have to love SS as your own. Just do your best to care for him. Don't bother trying to facilitate his relationship with 'bio mum' - you don't need to take that on, she and his dad should be facilitating that. And your partner really needs to step up by the sounds of things.

Absolutely! as right now she won't let OH see the other one

Whereas i'm encouraging a relationship. She is hardwork