Struggling Stepdad

[Stepdadnew]

I'm new here, so firstly hello!

I've been with my partner for around 18onths when we got together she had two sons with her ex. I'll start by saying that they both me the world to me and have brought so much happiness into my life.

When we got settled we decided to move. More space for us all, nice house in quiet area. The kids were both on board and all was well. We discussed at the time how woth a new house and new dynamic we would set some boundaries. This was all agreed.

I have stuck religiously to what we, as a family, agreed. But my six year old step son is rebelling and is driving me mad. He is rude and arrogant, tells me quite openly that he doesn't need to listen to anything I say and that whe I'm not around he is happier because his mum doesn't ask him to do the things I do. It's breaking my heart but I'm a firm believer in boundaries. Nothing dramatic but things like. Picking up his rubbish, tidying his toys before bed, no having 6 hours a day on thenTV etc. I think they are all reasonable - am I wrong?

I'm so conscious that I am fast approaching my limit and I do not want to shout at him. I have never raised my voice. This is because I know he will be upset and equally it will divide me and partner. She says she will talk to him which has happened before and things are smoothed over for all of a week before we are back to square one.

How many times can I try and address that as an adult with no actual legal rights to this child, I cannot carry on being belittled and ignored by him. Anyone else had similar and how did you address it?

Any advice welcome.

Why on earth have you moved in together. Your relationship is in its infanty.

@Bananarama21

Why on earth have you moved in together. Your relationship is in its infanty.

Sorry for clarity we have been close friends for years and both decided it makes sense

I think it’s for his mum to set the rules and boundaries at this stage. I understand you feeling like you want to be respected but if it’s a drastic change he will resent you. All you can do is back off and let his mum parent how she sees fit - and it’s up to you whether you can live with that.

Close friends and being in a relationship is totally different you haven't considered the kids at all.

You have both rushed this relationship and not given time for you all to get to know each other.

After 18months you are still a boyfriend/partner and should step back from parenting. Whilst you were living apart it would have been sensible to work out if you had similar parenting goals.

If it's really getting to you then perhaps it's best you move out and see if the relationship can work living apart.

18 months is incredibly quick to assume a parenting role. You don't seem to have considered the kids at all.
I'd move out and let mum do the parenting.

At 6 I would think he’s going through a bit of a phase, also bear in mind that his life has changed quite dramatically in a short amount of time, firstly by you being in his life and now moving home. Big changes for a little one.

Definitely get Mum to enforce the new ‘rules’ more than you do and just ride the wave with this rebellious phase he’s going through. It will pass.

Be his mate, try and make an effort in things he is interested in, spend a bit of time together watching a film/playing football etc and try not to be too top heavy on the boundaries. If you need to (say mum is out) then perhaps reward him at first for doing so ‘put your toys away and we can have a biscuit together’ etc.

As hard as it is, try not to lose it with him or shout, it won’t change things and he’ll up resenting you and making it harder for you. Good luck!

@RKid

At 6 I would think he’s going through a bit of a phase, also bear in mind that his life has changed quite dramatically in a short amount of time, firstly by you being in his life and now moving home. Big changes for a little one.

Definitely get Mum to enforce the new ‘rules’ more than you do and just ride the wave with this rebellious phase he’s going through. It will pass.

Be his mate, try and make an effort in things he is interested in, spend a bit of time together watching a film/playing football etc and try not to be too top heavy on the boundaries. If you need to (say mum is out) then perhaps reward him at first for doing so ‘put your toys away and we can have a biscuit together’ etc.

As hard as it is, try not to lose it with him or shout, it won’t change things and he’ll up resenting you and making it harder for you. Good luck!

Thanks for this. Honestly the majority of the time we are best buds. We do the whole football and dog walks together. We paint, we play board games and I have no doubt he is mightily happy most of the time.

It just feels like something has changed and it's a conscious thing he does now which I was entirely expecting but not at 6!

I couldn't agree more... despite how it makes me feel shouting will not solve anything and I'm conscious of that...

Thanks for your reply.

It's your DP you need to speak to, not the DC. Honestly, it sounds like these boundaries came from you and she just went along with it. Sounds as though your DP isn't backing you up? Boundaries only work if they're upheld consistently, with consequences if they're broken. Have you discussed what consequences should be for each thing, eg for refusing to pick up toys and put away? If you've agreed these boundaries/consequences with your DP then is she enforcing them when you're not there? Or is she telling you what she thinks you want to hear regarding agreeing to these boundaries but privately letting the DC get away with murder?

Regards the DC, you need to get a bit of a grip. You're using adult language to describe a DC. I'm not a child development expert. How egotistical, arrogant, rebellious etc is it normal for a 6yr old to be? He's not a mini adult, he's a child. Understand that you moving in with their mum has threatened the order in their world, it's taken her attention away from them to a degree, they're having to share their space, which is a new space too, and it could all be making them feel insecure. Of course they'll rebel against all that. Its natural for DC to be selfish.

It doesn't matter that the DC were "on board" with the move or "agreed" to new boundaries. He's 6! He doesn't necessarily have the capacity to know or understand what he's agreeing to and what it actually means for him.

DC get swept along by adults enthusiasm. Have you never seen the difference in a DC who falls and grazes their knees a little and as their bottom lip starts to wobble, the difference in reaction between the DC of the parent who fusses and worries if they're ok like they just fell off a cliff and makes it a drama, cue much tears and major upset. Versus the DC of the parent who says breezily oops never mind I'll kiss it better, let's have a hug and you can help me stir the cake mix and lick the spoon after, cue DC running around again 30sec later, skinned knees with a plaster on and almost completely forgotten about already.

You two bouncing around all loved up hyping up moving in together as this wonderful thing is going to get DC going yay! with no real knowledge of what they're celebrating or what it all means for them

Which is not to say you should put up with bad behaviour, you shouldn't. But consequences need to be appropriate to the age of DC and the misdemeanor, agreed between both you and DP. Eg if she hears him cheek you and ignores that but goes to pick up the toys herself, she's undermining you and that's not on. Consequences needs to be carried out and carried out consistently calmly with patience by both of you. You shouldn't be not wanting to explode in anger at the DC because it'll drive a wedge between you and DP . You should be not wanting to do it because it's wrong/unnecessary/inappropriate for the circumstances !

I was a stepmum to a 6 year old and I felt exactly like you did. She was rude to me, didn't do what she was told etc etc. She also had issues at school. How does four step son get on at school? And I honestly couldn't be done with her when she was like that.

However I now have my own 6 year old (same father as my step daughter) and she is exactly like her big sister. Except she is a dream at school! I often think how a new partner would feel if they had my 6 year old and a step child. They'd probably feel like you do now and I did then.

However it's completely different now and I feel guilty for feeling the was I did about my step daughter. Age 6 is still so so little. And their behaviour can be so challenging anyway. Also moving is probably a huge change for him.

I set boundaries with my own 6 year old and she still pushes them. However when we make up I forget out it because the love I have for her is like no other. But all those years ago when it was my step daughter I held a bit of a grudge.

I don't have much advice but my step daughter did grow out of it and she's now 18 and lovely.

I would chat with your partner and set some more boundaries but I'd also try and learn to let some things go.

Also don’t listen to comments about it being too quick - if it works for you and mum then so be it? As long as you make an effort with and include and care for her children (which it sounds like you have!) then happy days - being a parent whether it be biological, step or whatever has its challenges. It’s just part of parenting!

OP, perhaps the child is confused by your place and status in his life. He has a mom and he has a dad. You do not say what kind of involvement his father has in his life.

At age 6 , he has not had the experience of having .multiple teachers, coaches, etc present as authority figures in his life, so he may not be as acclimated as an older child to understanding that authority or adults in charge come in s variety of positions and settings.

I think that children who are raised to respect the adult in charge have fewer adjustment issues as relates to following instruction but if he has an involved father ,he may confused and resentful if he thinks that you are encroaching on what in his young mind is dad territory.

Maybe,mom needs to spend more time explaining to him that while you are not his dad,you are an adult in charge and that input from you is to be taken seriously and followed .

While you may have known his mom for a long time, you are still a relatively new fixture in his life. Give him time to sort out your place in his life. It may be a good thing for a while to do together the task that you would like him to learn to complete on his own. This will help to build camraderie between the 2 of you. It will also help him to see what you consider to be satisfactory completion of the task.
At age 6 he is still learning most things, give him time and patience to work through the roles that you now have in his life.

Welcome to the fiery pits of hell OP.

This board gets lurked by non step parents so often like to pick on new comers and wonder why no one ever posts.. that aside.

How long you were together is moot point what works for you works for you and in any other situation you wouldn't get bashed for it as heavily as you will here. Take it with a massive lump of salt.

Ok so 6 is a challenging age but I tell you something have a read into nacho parenting. A lot of step parenting is stepping back so the parents can step forward. Chose your battles wisely you won't win them all.

Agree house rules with DP and kids and outline actions and consequences. This should be a discussion. Then point to the board when it all goes ary. Easier to point rather than get into a "was the behaviour that bad chat"

Think of yourself like another fun adult that gets all the fun side of parenting without any of the parental responsibilities. Leave the hard graft to the parents and figure out ways to have fun. Find things you like in your SC and do things amplify those qualities. If you find yourself getting really worked up, your too close step back. Figure out if you wish to die on a certain hill the real emotions behind it. Tackle those.
Most you will find that actually it's not the SC behaviour that's setting you off but maybe DPs.

I know it feels like your backing down but your sanity will need it when they hit 8 and teenage years trust me !!

Good luck

Just let your girlfriend parent her kid, you are not a stepparent, you’re their mothers boyfriend. It’s not ‘whatever works for you’, regarding moving yourself into these kids home, it’s ‘how does this benefit the kids’?

Often, the adults dating and keeping their relationship away from the various kids would be most beneficial, but that get glossed over and shouted down.

He's 6, he's not belittling you, he's being 6.

You do need to relax a lot more. Boundaries are good but they have to be reasonable, flexible, led by their mum and supported by you. You do come across as quite strict and inflexible. Yes it's reasonable to want kids to tidy up their toys, but they won't jump to it every time and do it perfectly. Sometimes they need a bit of help, flexibility and encouragement.

Your expectations are not realistic. If you want this to work, follow your partner's lead. This relationship is very new, it's great that you're involved with the kids but you shouldn't be leading on the decision-making about them.

I think he's just being 6 to be honest. Just stick to what you agreed and let his mum deal with it. If he's rude to you you can explain that's not how to treat people. But don't yell at him. He's only 6.

It's up to their Mum to parent them. I wouldn't recommend you embroil yourself in the parenting of these kids as you'll just drive yourself mad.

I have two stepsons and quite often the younger one will forget his manners and be quite rude or belligerent but I find that a firm but kind, "X, we've talked about this bud, and you know I don't appreciate being spoken to like that" soon stops him in his tracks and elicits the required mumbled apology. Other than that, I let their Dad parent them and get the hell on with my life.

I think it's just a case of striking a balance really - don't attempt to cross the line when it's not your job to parent them but at the same time make it clear you won't be disrespected in your own home. Once kids realise they can't pull the "You're not my real Dad so I can treat you like shit" card, you find their behaviour significantly improved as they realise you're not the pushover they hoped for.

It sounds like you have a great relationship with the kids so keep doing what you're doing and keep up with the fun/engaging activities. It's good for them and good for the family unit as a whole ☺️

@NowEvenBetter

Just let your girlfriend parent her kid, you are not a stepparent, you’re their mothers boyfriend. It’s not ‘whatever works for you’, regarding moving yourself into these kids home, it’s ‘how does this benefit the kids’? Often, the adults dating and keeping their relationship away from the various kids would be most beneficial, but that get glossed over and shouted down.

Exactly this.

You might've known her for years but how long did you have an active and consistent role in your DSSs lives before moving in?

And I don't mean how long since you first met them as a friend of their mum. I mean how long since you were introduced as mums partner to moving in?

Despite what some PPs say, this is massively relevant to how they feel about the situation and how the feel about you.

Also if you agreed boundaries with your DP and she's not enforcing them then that's an issue between you & her. However the boundaries may need to change or relax as it should be her decision on how she parents her dc. If you don't like her parenting style or can't live with it, that's fair enough but you can't expect her to change how she is with her DC to appease her new partner

Moving house is actually very stressful for kids - not saying it wasn't the right thing to do, just keep it in mind. I was a right little goody-two shoes as a kid, but my behaviour spiked badly when we moved.

Apart from that, with my youngest SD we had a phase when she was about 5 where she tested me. Not in a calculating way, at all, but it felt like she needed to poke to make sure this source of love was as reliable and dependable as her actual parent's.

Do you have them fulltime or the majority of the time? My SD's dad only has them every other weekend so as I'm guessing you have it, they're genuinely the main feature of my life.

You only 'need' to backup their mum's rules. But you are quite entitled to expect that you get treated in a reasonable way, just as every adult in their life does.

You are not 'belittled' by a 6 year old. He doesn't have the emotional capacity or control to belittle anyone, and this use of language is actually very concerning.

It is not your role to parent him. That role is his mum's, and his dad if around. The right to active parenting comes with him having the security that you love him and accept him unconditionally, and as a step parent you have a higher bar to cross on that first. He is a child and comes first. You need to take a big step back and let his mum retake control or you need to get out of their way.

For context, my dad has been married four times - we had endless 'new' stepmums as a child, most of whom couldn't handle this at all. My stepdad moved in with us when I was 6. He was very restrained, and we had complete security that my mum put us first. 35 years later they are still very happily married and we love him dearly. He is a complete parent to me and grandparent to my kids.

If you can't do this alone, get into counselling and fast.

@Tattler2

OP, perhaps the child is confused by your place and status in his life. He has a mom and he has a dad. You do not say what kind of involvement his father has in his life.

At age 6 , he has not had the experience of having .multiple teachers, coaches, etc present as authority figures in his life, so he may not be as acclimated as an older child to understanding that authority or adults in charge come in s variety of positions and settings.

I think that children who are raised to respect the adult in charge have fewer adjustment issues as relates to following instruction but if he has an involved father ,he may confused and resentful if he thinks that you are encroaching on what in his young mind is dad territory.

Maybe,mom needs to spend more time explaining to him that while you are not his dad,you are an adult in charge and that input from you is to be taken seriously and followed .

While you may have known his mom for a long time, you are still a relatively new fixture in his life. Give him time to sort out your place in his life. It may be a good thing for a while to do together the task that you would like him to learn to complete on his own. This will help to build camraderie between the 2 of you. It will also help him to see what you consider to be satisfactory completion of the task.
At age 6 he is still learning most things, give him time and patience to work through the roles that you now have in his life.

Bio father has zero Input and left the family unit when 6 yo was 3 months. Not been involved since. I get that even atv2 years I'm still the new guy and we were conscious of this from the start.

There was a huge change in this kid dur8ng the initial year. He went from being shy and retiring to now actively seeking me out to spend time with him that's why I think largely we get on well. It just feels that we have now moved even further passed the settled and accepting stage into kicking back.

There's alot of comments on here about stepping back and leaving parenting to his mum bu this is not easy to do when I provide 50% of the childcare routine.

I appreciate all the comments on here

@Stepdadnew if your doing 50% of the childcare and also the dad hasn't been in the picture while that completely changed the framework of what your dealing with.

A lot of people are saying step back not because your doing the wrong thing, it's because it's actually might help protect your MH and boundaries. Being a SP is hard. Some of the comments on here have been particularly harsh but part of the course as a SP as you will be held to a higher standard of parenting, and that's a fact.

Like with any SM I would say it's very honourable to be taking on 50% of the kids but bare in mind, your either in the parental role 100% with teeth, childcare and heavy lifting , or your out (without childcare or heavy lifting) .This needs to be decided by you and your DP as she cannot use you for all the hard parts of parenting but then claim my kids my choice or you will lose your voice, she cannot have her cake and eat it.

The fact the dad isn't and hasn't been on the scene makes a massive difference to the dynamics.

Chat to DP. Find out which role she sees you in and adjust accordingly.

As a PP said you are using adult language to describe a 6 year old child. The child doesn't have the capability to think about his actions like that.

In regards to ignoring you and not doing what you want you clearly haven't looked after or babysat other children otherwise you would realise you need to try different techniques to get a child of any age to co-operate with you. With a primary age child you can try things like fake helping him to put toys away, turning things into a game or bribe him with what he was going to do next.

Yes it will take longer than doing things yourself but that's children for you.

If you don't want him to play computer games or watch a screen then you need do something with him that is more exciting to him. Yes it may mean you have to take him out to a playground and fake being interested in him climbing but you are the one who doesn't want him in front of a screen.

I have 2 boys... and from what you say he's gone from shy and retiring to bolshy and confident?

That's a good sign! It means he feels comfortable with you... he's pushing his luck because he can, because he feels comfortable with you. Kids are often great at school and with other parents then they come home and let it all out on us, we are the ones they can and feel safe doing this with their parents or close caregivers/step parents etc

So I'd see as a good sign
Just take a deep breath and work on teamwork with him. Boys love that

Don’t let a six year old wind you up so much. He is still very little. He might present as some kind of threat but his pre frontal cortex is nowhere near mature yet. Him being difficult is communication. Try to hear what he is trying to tell you - I.e that sharing his mum with someone new, who is fairly quick to get annoyed with him, is difficult. He’s subconsciously testing you, and pushing boundaries. Be the adult.