Just want bio mum to step up

[mumsthewordi]

Long story short, SS decided he wanted to live with dad and me when he was 9,l and he is 13 now, it was meant to be temporary - but he’s never been encouraged to go home and BM hasn’t ever asked him! I was high risk pregnancy and focused on DD and they have a lovely relationship, but I’ve never got use to being a SM too, I feel quite blindsided too as the grandparents and OH just constantly tell me why he should be with us , and yes he’s happy but my feeling is no one’s ever encouraged a positive reconciliation- they say well “she doesn’t want him.” However, I don’t think it’s that simple and she also went through a lot during Covid when he made this decision. I have made sure they have contact but it’s not regular.

its hard but perhaps I feel this way as I don’t have a strong maternal bond towards him and for that I feel guilty because he has a mother.

It's in a different thread someone "discovered" where she wrote about putting her DD into prep school (which I always thought was for high school).

Some posters look for things to bash a poster with, so they hunt out old threads.

@Regretsmorethanafew if the cocklodger does the cooking and cleaning, then why did OP say this? ⬆️

You'd have to ask her, because she said he cleans and cooks and contributes. He's a teacher?

Why is it only stepparents who are told this? When you became a parent, did you really decide to yield your own needs/wants not only to your child's needs (quite rightly) but also their WANTS? Really and genuinely, you always cede to their wants if they conflict with yours? I feel like stepparents are held to a much higher standard of expected self-sacrifice on here than parents.

Teachers can be cocklodgers too—cocklodgers get a woman to put them up/pay their way.

So true

but he’s never been encouraged to go home

So where he lives with you currently isn’t his home? Poor lad.

She says elsewhere that they both work their butts off (worded more eloquently!) to pay for their DD's school fees, so not really textbook cocklodger.

I can’t see that post. If you pull up “all posts by OP”—it’s not there.

I can only see that she’s posted that he doesn’t pay bills/cook/clean.

I think the PP meant, does your DP see the child that is still with his mother? Does he pay for that child? Is that even his child?

why did you get with a man who already had children and then try to decide you didn’t want him to parent his child

I’ve definitely seen this. Op said they pay for prep school for the daughter.

Got it. Just worried that some posters would merrily jump to to the conclusion that her young daughter has been educated at some top private school and then they start shouting about how her DSS was being fed stale bread and water and made to sleep under the stairs like Harry Potter. Like Chinese whispers whole new scenarios do get invented and then grow and then they get taken as gospel. I haven't searched through her previous threads (have enough to do keeping up with current threads.) Could be OP is simply planning ahead if she's had threads on prep schools. Or her daughter is very very advanced. 😀

I think what you are going to have to try to come to terms with is the fact that it is too late. He has lived with you from 9-13. Essentially this is most of his living memory. His mum, whatever state of mind she was in when she made this decision, has inevitably moved on (as awful as that sounds). If she didn't want the status quo, you'd have heard about it. So you can safely assume that she does want the status quo.

So overall, you need to figure out a way forwards, fully accepting that she isn't going to step up.

He has chosen, as is his right, to live with his dad. You need to respect his choice. Sorry, but when you are in a relationship with someone who has a child/children from a previous relationship you can't magic them away.

Rage bait

You got in a relationship with a man who had a child. You have to be prepared to take step kids on as your own.

This

How come no one says this to step-dads?

She's allowed to have feelings. I'd be fucked off with a woman that abrogates all responsibility to her child and leaves it to someone else.

Why call him SS? You’re not his stepmother. You’re his father’s girlfriend. Bio/birth mother? Mum is sufficient. Poor boy.

Plenty of people say this to step dads?

Can you link a thread where this has happened?

She hasn’t, one of her sons still lives with her the other has chosen to live with his dad. Which is why she won’t be paying CM. OP wants SS family to convince him to return to his mums as she doesn’t want him.

I don’t even know why I’m replying though as I think this is clearly someone trying to get interactions on their post because no one would have so little insight as to not see they’re the villan in the story

The villain? Because she does everything a parent would do for this child, except love him in the way a parent does?

Most mothers would hate it if their ex's new partner claimed to love the step son they look after, as much as they do.