Just want bio mum to step up

[mumsthewordi]

Long story short, SS decided he wanted to live with dad and me when he was 9,l and he is 13 now, it was meant to be temporary - but he’s never been encouraged to go home and BM hasn’t ever asked him! I was high risk pregnancy and focused on DD and they have a lovely relationship, but I’ve never got use to being a SM too, I feel quite blindsided too as the grandparents and OH just constantly tell me why he should be with us , and yes he’s happy but my feeling is no one’s ever encouraged a positive reconciliation- they say well “she doesn’t want him.” However, I don’t think it’s that simple and she also went through a lot during Covid when he made this decision. I have made sure they have contact but it’s not regular.

its hard but perhaps I feel this way as I don’t have a strong maternal bond towards him and for that I feel guilty because he has a mother.

Why should I automatically support someone purely because we both happen to have a vagina? 😆

Seriously, this is ALWAYS trotted out on here. And it's utter hogwash. I am not going to instantly support every other woman, purely because I am a woman too. NOT if I believe she is in the wrong - as the OP is (IMO.) Newsflash honey, the sisterhood does NOT exist!

This nonsense reminds me of Louis Walsh on X factor who would (for example) tell the whole of Wales to 'get behind this singer and vote for him!' Purely because said singer was Welsh. Never mind if he was crap, or not very likeable. No, he lives a mile from me so I'll vote for him, even though he can't sing for shite.

Seriously! 😂

But it’s true, you are either in or out when it comes to children.

@mumsthewordi I don’t usually comment, but just wanted to say that you sound like a very good stepmum. 💐

I hate to ask this, but is it at all possible that you haven’t been told the whole truth about what ever arrangements where agreed to regarding children when your DP and his ex divorced? How old were the children when the divorce happened? Is it possible the reason the ex wife seems ok with not having the older son over more is that she somehow imagines that it could lead to her “losing” the younger son as well?

I apologise if that seems far fetched, I only ask because I actually know a family where the mother agreed, under pressure from the ex and his family, to let her older child go live with his father in order to keep the younger one (who was very young at the time) with her full time.

thank you

so, I don’t think it’s untruths but a version I’ve been told right ? His version.
the parents version

i dont know hers , I wish I did. I’m a big supporter of women, sometimes blindly !

I just think the eldest reminded her of OH - horrible to say , not idea during a divorce

the custody was to her, with visitation from him or whatever they call it. It still is ! She just doesn’t let youngest see OH

@mumsthewordi

One more question, you’ve said that DP isn’t allowed to see his other son. Why hadn’t he taken his ex to court to fight for access? She shouldn’t be in a position to allow or deny this. Presumably it also means that the 2 boys rarely see each other.

It always comes across as a bit of a dodgy excuse when you hear the dad say, ‘crazy ex won’t let me see my child’. The other son must be feeling just as abandoned, as I don’t expect his mother is being honest with him. Probably just tells his father doesn’t care.

They’ve had enough court battles

she has brainwashed him

Yes he does - just not his time

I had asked him in our initial dating survey

He's got 1 son living with you.

How does he have so little time for you and your child?

Has he ever spent time with the younger child? If they were divorced a few years before you came along, he can't have been more than a toddler when his dad left.

Younger one might not even have been walking. OPs child is school age, 4/5. Older son is 13.

Not surprising you're not getting much sympathy @mumsthewordi. Those boys haven't had a stable home in a decade.

Because you are being used. Take emotion and any discussion of love out of it and here is another case of a man finding a woman who is able to fund his parenting responsibilities, and do most of the domestic and care work. If you were not on the scene, would this man be able to house his children and provide for them?
It has nothing to do with what the children’s mother is doing. This man also has parental responsibility. You do not. He and his family have been able to undermine his ex and get the boy to live with his dad precisely because there is somewhere, funded by you, for them to go to. Quickest way to ensure that this boy is back with his mother would be to split up with his dad and ask them to leave.
Harsh but true.

I think your blaming ss quite a bit. Rather than being flattered he wanted to live with you and his dad, you seemed to think he chose for the money? He was 9!

It's like your deflecting your feelings onto dss rather than your dp

Drugs