Expectations from step dad

[Mintfrost]

I’m divorced, have a 6 year old DC. I live with my partner. We aren’t married and it isn’t his DC, obviously. What would your expectations be from a step dad? I get up every morning, wake up DC, cook breakfast for DC, unload dishwasher, get DC dressed. I have very little time to get ready myself. He scrolls Instagram on his phone in bed until he needs to take a shit and get ready. It’s my DC but should I be demanding more? We live in my house, he doesn’t pay rent but pays half the bills. I find myself doing more and more household work, eg when sink is blocked a plunge it. He just informs we it isn’t draining. If the lightbulb on the hob is out I have to look into replacing it. I am starting to feel a bit frustrated.

He did put DC’s bedroom furniture together and painted the whole flat but that was a while ago. He does the gardening. It’s the day to day stuff that is making me frustrated. Eg if we have DC would I be landed with all the work?

He sounds like a lodger not a partner or step dad

What was discussed about division of labour / parenting before he moved in?

Expectations are best discussed before cohabiting. He should be paying half the rent or maybe less than half as there’s you and your child, but no rent is mad. He should be sorting the sink when he sees it and pitching in equally with housework. He shouldn’t be getting up with DC unless he wants to.

If you had DC together he should parent them equally, it’s not at all the same as step parenting.

You need to talk to him.

You have all the housework now so yes. Fair enough the d based stuff in the morning is yours but no housework isn’t to do with being a step dad at all

While he may not have any parenting duties as such, there is no excuse for him not doing half the housework and helping at least a little with child related stuff like washing and cooking for your child. Especially since he’s not paying any rent! You sound like you are run ragged and I’d be very worried that this is not obvious to him and he doesn’t actually want to help out of his own volition.

Well, it's your house and your child. So it's your job unless between the two of you, you agree some sharing.
I think getting your child ready in the morning is 100% your job.
Perhaps what you need to ask is would be things be different if you shared the responsibility for the house.
I'd be very wary about bringing anymore children into this situation though - I think it's entirely possible you will get all the childcare expectations on you as default parent. Or worse, he'll do some things for 'his' child but not yours.
Serious conversations ahead before you commit further to this one OP.

Just to add, if he doesn’t want to do it, the very least he can do is pay for a cleaner and getting the laundry done to take the burden off you. Again, especially as he isn’t paying rent! If you weren’t together he’d be paying at least £500 a month rent, more in many places.

Does your dc see his df? My dc didn't /don't and we discussed dp becoming that df figure.. When we married the dc called him dad. Been married 9 years.
Forming a decent relationship with your dc as he should want to do will ime mean taking on some responsibility - and making your life easier is surely his goal also l if he loves you... As in allowing you a lie in or doing his bloody share of household duties. He sounds like a lodger op.

You have yourself a live-in fuck buddy.

When dp wanted our relationship to move forward I made it clear that he would be the adult in a family with a young child, we're a family, which means we work together, we share the load, you're not the boyfriend of someone with a child, we are a family and my son will be treated just the same as all future children.

This morning we were all out the house at 7.30 I got up and got dressed, dp got up and got DS dressed while I got ready. Then while DP got ready I suncreamed and got DS ready for nursery.

On mornings where I've been up in the night with DS (he will only settle for me in the night) and then DS won't go back down after 6am, DP will take him out for a bike ride or walk while I get as much sleep as I can and get ready in peace before he goes to work.

At the weekend they have "guy time" and go on a bike ride, to a castle, to the charity/second hand shops. DS loves him and sees him as part of his family, he asks for him to do the school run, he tells me "you can't come mummy, it's guy time, I like guy time"

Whats this man adding to your child's life?

The live in boyfriend should be a fully functional adult, performing chores equally to you, there is no excuse for him not to, and men who don't do this are misogynists not fit for dating.
Why are you housing him for free?

The parenting is a grey area, but he should definitely be doing half the housework. Who does the cooking, cleaning and laundry?

This wouldnt work for me.

I'd have him move back out... its less work for you that way and you financially wouldnt be worse off.

I really hope your partner is going to adopt this child. It sounds lovely now but what if you break up?

The way you describe him tells me this relationship isn’t destined to last.

So because it's her house he doesn't have to do any housework/chores even though he lives there?

I do the cooking and on weekends he makes breakfast and cooks. During the week it’s me but tbh he doesn’t ask me or expect it of me and often isn’t even there to eat it bc he’s working. If dinner isn’t there when he comes home he doesn’t complain or ask. He does his own laundry and I do mine and DC’s but that’s because I don’t like to mix laundry (don’t ask).

My DP moved in to my house with me and my kid and my dog. He does:

• Fair share of laundry (any laundry in the basket including my DDs)
• All the dishes (I cook)
• A lot of the driving
• Bins
• Vehicle maintenance for mine as well as his now
• Fair share of dog activities.

I have a cleaner and I have kept her. I have a gardener but he is being flaky so this weekend I think I need to mow, I'd expect DP to do a bgit of garden stuff with me.

Today he is leaving work to pick up DD from school for me as I am snowed and he is more free.

I don't consider him to be my DDs step-dad, she is a bit old for another dad. However he is an equal adult in our home and our relationship and I expect him to pull his weight. He would absolutely not dream of telling me the sink isn't draining and expect me to plunge it!!!!!

It look like you got two kids OP. The expectations of a stepdad are the same as the expectation of a dad, goes with the name. If he does nothing is not a stepdad is something else.

The expectations shouldn't be the same as if he were dad. Your kids are your responsibility. However, he should be doing 50% of everything else.

He sounds rather expensive and shit. Can you afford him?

DH does half of everything cos he's a normal human. We both have kids. He does 100% of school runs even when his kids aren't with us.

He does all outside stuff I do inside. All DiY. He cooks at weekends. Everyone does there own washing.

DH does all the crap sheep jobs with me. I'll get up in the middle of the night but he sticks his hands where the sun doesn't shine.

We do have a cleaner who also takes away the ironing.

We work to our skill sets but no one sits around being crap while the other shoulders the burdens.

At best he's a live in boyfriend, but he's certainly not a partner.

I'd be sitting down with him and having a talk about the way forward. It could be you've been all "oh don't worry about xyz I'll get that" and he now thinks that's what you want. However if he's going to be there long term you need to be a partnership and equals.

He shouldn't HAVE to do anything for dc. Your dc. If he wants to he can as long as he follows your rules and guidance for your child.

However he needs to pull his weight on all the rest of the stuff.

Half the rent half the cooking half the bins half all of it.

So you need to work out who is doing what and when. If he does the bins dishes and all cleaning of floors you do the cooking laundry and cleaning the loo. Or whatever.

Or do it week about. Whatever works for you. But it needs to be half and half. It's only fair.

In the summer there is more outdoor stuff to be done. So that needs taken into consideration too.

If he won't do it then he's a cocklodger. And you know what you need to do.

He obviously doesn't think so.
So, the OP needs to talk to her bf about her expectations. He lives there and so, he needs to contribute - she's not willing to look after everything. But it's very telling that his default position is to do fuck all. He's never going to step up of his own volition.
I'm not saying that's right but he's making it very clear from his behaviour that he's pretty selfish so unless the OP makes it very clear that she wants him to do certain things - he's not going to do them. He doesn't automatically think that he should be doing more to contribute.
The wider ramifications is he may always be like this. So OP needs to have her eyes wide open. There are many threads full of women complaining that their partners are lazy when the evidence for that behaviour has been there all along.

Honestly it's a terrifying thought. But we didn't get together with the intention of separating, it was very much "don't enter my childs life until you are sure you're committed to our future" and I believe DS growing up with a strong bond and relationship to the other parent in his house is incredibly important. I wouldn't have him grow up as an outsider in his own family. I trust that he's a good man that loves my son and loves me and even if we were to split that he will respect me and my son. We have a child on the way, we have a home together, I'm confident in him.

Where did he live before?

I think he has a great setup and seems to be taking advantage of you. I can't believe he notices the sink not draining and doesn't deal with it .I would expect more from a student