How much should a stepdad be doing?

[Emmarjayne]

I have been a single mum since my 8yo daughter was 2.5yo. Father abusive so no contact. I met my bf when she was 4. We have been together for nearly 4 years and engaged. He does barely anything with her. Yes he pays money to help with household bills as we live together and he works 30 hours a week. He doesnt want childen of his own and hasnt really had children in his life before me. But in a day how much should a step dad be contributing in a child's life especially when there real father is not involved?

Well tbh I don't think a step dad "should" be doing anything towards the child because there's no real obligation however, if your a family and he loves you then he should be helping out occasionally but as I said, there's no obligation on him too.

He's not obligated to do anything but I would question if you really want to share your home and life with someone who has so little interest in your child.

I've been a stepmum for 3 years and I can't imagine living in my house and taking nothing to do with my stepkids.

Are you happy with not having any more kids?

My husband treats my daughter as his own and shares childcare with me, helps at home with her and spends time with her. I am currently expecting our first child together and would not expect him to treat my daughter, who lives with us, to be treated any differently.

He does barely anything with her.

Do you mean that you do nothing as a family? Or do you mean that he doesn’t take her out places just the two of them?

The first would be a problem for me, the second wouldn’t.

I’ve just read your post properly. You’re not married, he’s not her step dad and he don’t want children. I wouldn’t be expecting him to do anything. I wouldn’t be with someone who didn’t want all of my family though.

He is your BF not her step dad. He doesn't want children so presumably you were aware of that. What do you think he should be doing? Why aren't you more concerned about why her father isn't involved?

At the moment he is your boyfriend, not a stepdad. But if you are unhappy, then that is what matters.

In four years have you gone on holiday
together? What did he do? What were his responsibilities?

If you are doing 100% of the parenting, what percentage of the household is he in charge of taking care of? Is he doing more housework than you?

do you both work?

did he move into your house and where was he living before if so?

Yes he pays money to help with household bills
what does this mean? Is he not contributing 50%? Does he do food shops?

Because her father is abusive.

shouldn't the question be why a man with no interest in being a father proposed to a single mum?

shouldn't the question be why a man with no interest in being a father proposed to a single mum?

Maybe she proposed to him.

The answer to this will vary from being a third parent to being like a parent who looks after her when she goes round to a friend’s house.

Does he do stuff for her like the laundry, pick ups etc ? Does he financially contribute to her Christmas/birthday gifts and be able to pick her favourite chocolate bar at a supermarket ? Does he discipline her ?

I would only expect a bf to take her for the day if it was unavoidable eg a hospital appointment or for short periods so you could get a haircut or go out for a couple of hours to see a friend. I think that as her mum you should do the majority of the work.

If you want a bf who will be more of a co-parent then yanbu but your bf isn’t unreasonable to want to be more like a play date parent and do the practical stuff like give a lift and feed her lunch

I’d say not much …. Although after 4 years you would hope they have a bond and can spend time with each other that can naturally grow and develop over time

Does he do he fair share around the house or do you feel like you have two DC’s?

Is he kind to her, does he talk to her? If he's making a snack or drink will he offer her one too?

Or is she living in a home with an indifferent adult in her life?

My DH is stepdad to my three DC. Their own dad has them every other weekend but never sees them or gets involved with anything outside of those weekends (by choice).

My DH treats my DC as he would his own. He doesn’t just do all the fun stuff, he is also there with all the everyday drudgery and he takes time off in the school holidays/helps me cover sick days/ferries them around to various clubs/attends school events, all of it really.

I do the DC’s washing as it happens, but DH cooks a lot so it all evens out.

I do tend to deal with illness more than he does, and any night wakings - which are rare as they are older now - and I did bathtime when they were younger & needed adult supervision.

DH loves me and he is so involved as he wouldn’t want to sit back and see me struggle. He also loves the DC though and enjoys spending time with them.

He is a family oriented person though and would have loved to have a biological child of his own, but it just didn’t happen for us so he is happy with the role he has.

My DC were quite young when I met him and I just wouldn’t have fallen in love with someone who didn’t accept my DC as part of the package. He feels lucky to be part of our family.

I wouldnt say I'm happy with not having more children but it's something I'm willing to give up for him.

We don't do anything all together it feels very divided in the sense of me and her and me and him.

I was not aware he didn't want children, he said he would have them if I wanted them. It wasn't till further into our relationship we discussed it further and I found out he didn't want them but would do it for me. I told him I only wanted a child with him if he wanted one.

We've been away once just us 3, it was very much me doing anything involving her. He does interact with her but it is little and often. He does discipline her if needed. (She's adhd so sometimes gets out of hand)

He does food shops and contributes 50% to household. And we both work.

Father is abusive so I cut contact when she was 2.5 years old.

He proposed to me.

Relationship wise between me and him he's amazing. I couldn't ask for a better partner. I've never been in this situation so wanted outside opinions. Legally no he isn't her step dad but he is the male role model in her life and she calls him stepdad. A marriage certificate shouldn't automatically make someone behave like a stepdad.

However I don't know how a fulltime stepdad should "behave" in the sense of should he be behaving more like a dad or be on the sidelines joining In as a family every now and then? Or should he be doing nothing at all.

I'm not here to be ridiculed I would please just like advice.

Your 8 year old is living in a house with a man who rarely interacts with her bar discipline?
This isn’t great for confidence/self-esteem.

There is no set amount he should interact with her, but she has 1 childhood and if you are not happy with how your daughter is treated then really you need to remove her from that.

Thats sounds awful. The only time he's disciplines her is when she is lashing out at me. Hiting, kicking, biting. He tells her to go to her room. That's as far as it goes. Other then that he asks if I need him to step in and I say no because I won't have him only disciplining her.

As much as he wants to. It's not his fault/responsibility that your child's father isn't on the scene, and he doesn't need to step into that role if he doesn't want to.

If this was the reverse, and it's been on here many times, step mums get told all the time they don't need to be involved.

However I don't know how a fulltime stepdad should "behave" in the sense of should he be behaving more like a dad or be on the sidelines joining In as a family every now and then? Or should he be doing nothing at all.

There is no right or wrong. I am married, I am a stepmother, my kids have a stepfather. Neither of us behave like mum or dad to our respective stepchildren, because we're not. We join in some family stuff together (celebrating birthdays, Christmas etc) but outside of that we pretty much get on with our own lives.

We've been on holidays together but not very often, and I choose not to go with his kids a lot of the time, he takes them on their own, as mine are older now anyway.

As little or as much as he feels comfortable with and you allow (in terms of too much). The fact their father left has nothing to do with it. This man isn't a replacement dad.

That’s really sad that you don’t spend time together the three of you. I would be very careful. She might feel “in the way” snd certainly will feel his disinterest. This relationship does not seem to be in your child’s best interests, seriously there are better men out there who will see you and your child as a package who are both special and both worth investing in!

This forum is heaving with people insisting that a woman getting together with a man who already has children has to step up and consider the kids as her own and treat them as such.

Double standards.

I couldn't be with someone who seems to tolerate my child and doesn't really interact with them and doesn't enjoy their company.

I'd end the relationship. If her dad was involved you could maybe live apart and see each other when she was with dad but he isn't so you're all she has.

She deserves to feel part of a loving family and this isn't one.

When she is in that state - especially as she has an ADHD diagnosis at a relatively young age - then your daughter needs you to co-regulate and help her, not to be sent away to a different room, particularly by someone she doesn’t have a close affectionate relationship with.

There's no point making a false equivalence with what is expected of a SM. Forget gender. The comparison should be between resident and non resident SP.
EOW - fine to step back and let the parent get on with it. No point stepping in toes and the child is there to be parented by their NRP anyway.
In this case, with no father on the scene, living with the child, I think it's really sad for the SD to not really be bothering with her apart from an enthusiasm to send her to her room. He has the space and opportunity to create a family and he CBA. Which is fine, but what is the point?

This op. He shouldnt be involved with discipline if he disregards her existence the majority of the time.

you are not happy with no activities together and have only had one holiday in four years? She will miss out. She will miss out on family activities and she will, and most importantly, miss out on you.

if he was to remain a boyfriend living outside the home and dating you, id say crack on. But ad you plan to marry him And become a family you really, really need to consider whether that is in the best interest of your dd.

We don't do anything all together it feels very divided in the sense of me and her and me and him.
And what is the impact on your daughter. Youre not a unit. She has to timeshare you.

have you been on holiday just with him?

I've been with my partner 12 years and he is stepdad to my 3 eldest children. They have never had a relationship with their real dad so my partner is their only real male role model (apart from my dad and brother) he shares the load with me and is very fare. He has always treated them like his own (we have two children together) he's disciplined them and spoilt them. Done the school runs, taken them to clubs/friends houses. Supported us all financially when I've been on maternity leave and worked his arse off for us. Taken us all on holidays and brought them clothes or anything they needed. Basically everything a "real dad would do" they are 19/21/22 now and he has a very strong bond with them. He often goes out separately for food with them or to the cinema. Even when I had a breakdown and we split up for a while he would pick them up and take them for days out or round his for tea. If anyone asks him how many children he has he always says 5.

Op your situation sounds very difficult, have you had a conversation with him about it or brought it up in anyway?

When I met now dh my 3 youngest dc had no relationship with their df. Never had. We had a conversation about how we both hoped things would pan out. We both agreed hopefully he would take on the role..and boy did he work hard at it.. And succeeded. Your dd must be very damaged living with a man who holds absolutely no positive regard for her.