Just want bio mum to step up

[mumsthewordi]

Long story short, SS decided he wanted to live with dad and me when he was 9,l and he is 13 now, it was meant to be temporary - but he’s never been encouraged to go home and BM hasn’t ever asked him! I was high risk pregnancy and focused on DD and they have a lovely relationship, but I’ve never got use to being a SM too, I feel quite blindsided too as the grandparents and OH just constantly tell me why he should be with us , and yes he’s happy but my feeling is no one’s ever encouraged a positive reconciliation- they say well “she doesn’t want him.” However, I don’t think it’s that simple and she also went through a lot during Covid when he made this decision. I have made sure they have contact but it’s not regular.

its hard but perhaps I feel this way as I don’t have a strong maternal bond towards him and for that I feel guilty because he has a mother.

She needs to imagine it the other way round.

If she was unable to have their child living with her, how would she feel if her daughter wasn't welcome in dad's home?

And then treat her step son how she'd want her daughter treating.

If your partner contributes nothing just tell him to leave with the boy.

Is your DSS the problem or do you feel resentment towards your DP. What you you like to happen? Do you want you DSS to live elsewhere or is it because you are tired of paying for everything and have two extra people living in your house when you only thought you would have one?
Unfortunately they come as a pair so you need to decide if you want a relationship with both of them or neither of them!

Why did you have a child with someone who couldn't afford to support himself and the child he already had?

Why are you doing, in your words, ‘everything’ - cooking, cleaning, paying the bills? What happened to the concept of equal partnership? You say you’re not ready for marriage but you were ready to have a child with your partner (bonkers to do that without the security of marriage tbh but there we go…) - I agree with others that you seem resentful and are mis-directing your emotions towards your step son. If you don’t want to be a step parent, don’t build a life with someone who has a child, and certainly don’t go on to have a half sibling for the step child you don’t seem to want living with you

I don’t think I said that but probably because I was financially stable and didn’t think his son would want to live with us

So your real problem is you got together with a single father who had no major assets and a full time son. That was your choice. If you didn't like it you could have stopped it five years ago.

Regardless of what is right, you now have two options OP, continue as things are, or kick your dp and his son out, and you become a single mum to your dd.

If you still love your dp, It would be much better to hold the family together (because you are one family) and work with him to improve his income and his contribution in terms of chores.

Why has this turned into my choice of marrying him. I don’t need marriage and want it for many reasons - how’s that bonkers, this seems a very personal attack about choices

A lot of judgement here - thanks all I’m out

My advice is definitely to not marry him - I'm not seeing what he will bring to your life apart from a claim on your house/money/pension if you divorced in the future!
It sounds to me like his dad needs to do way more to contribute to the household because as things are, you've acquired a child that you didn't actively choose to be a parent to and all the work and responsibility that goes with this.

I also do think it's common to realise once you have your own baby, that how you feel about step children isn't exactly the same. It's not so clear beforehand because you've nothing to compare it to. It's really sad for the step child if they're not getting that love from their own parents, not such a big deal if the step parent isn't replacing a parent and is just an extra person to care.

All you can do is your best - be kind to this innocent kid who chose none of the circumstances in which he finds himself living. It's great that he loves your baby and there's no resentment. I'd also seriously have words with dad and grandparents about badmouthing the mother - even if they are totally right, it hurts a child to hear this all the time.

I know you’ll get flamed on here but I get it; if my DSC moved in full-time, I’d move out.

You can’t force him out though, that’s not how it works.

Poor kid.

I'm sorry you're feeling judged.

I'm not sure what you expected though? Did you expect a forum full of parents to agree that a father shouldn't have his son living with him?

Yabu
He is a child who is living with his father who happens to live with you and be in a relationship with you.
You may not be married but you're basically his stepmum by relation with his father.
If you don't want him there then you need to discuss that with his father.

But again. He is a child who needs support and care from the people who he is cared by. He's going to be damaged enough not feeling wanted or loved from parents breakup and lack of contact from his mother and now from you it appears.
As much as you don't like it, he is also part of your family with him being the brother to your child.

As for your dp, if you have resentment with his contribution you need to keep it seperate from his child. If it's not working out for you then they both need to move out but if you want to still be in a relationship with dp then you need to step up with the son.

You cannot control his mother's actions or make her take responsibility for any issues from dp that you may be projecting onto the kid.

This is the one thing he is not, his grandparents and father adore him in fact I can see they overly compensate for her - in fact rather than support her and help her when she left their son I think they pulled their grandson harder and they said to oh they could raise him. However he then met me- it seems like a mess. But I’ve ensured he’s well looked after and happy , I would not have a child mistreated and it breaks my heart I’m not able to feel anything really , but I do care for him. It just isn’t love I suppose

That's awful. Genuinely. Don't get into what you intend to be a permanent relationship with someone who already has a child unless you're willing to accept the possibility of having that child live with you full time.

He is a child, you are the adult. He has absolutely no control of this situation, he just has to deal with the consequences of his mother and step mother not being that fussed on him. If he isn’t always the easiest child then it’s hardly a reach to understand why. You do have control, if you’re not happy then you can choose to leave- he does not have that luxury (right now). The child living with his father who loves him seems to be the one thing that does actually make sense here.

Especially given OP has said she's a widow herself. So she knows first hand that spouses / other parents can be gone for any number of reasons. Even if her OHs son was living with mum permanently, there might have come a time she wasn't around.

There's always a possibility that a single parents child will end up with them full time when they weren't before.

No one can demand that you love your dss and you should not be made to feel guilty for that.

If you offer him kindness and care, that should be enough, OP, his dad and grandparents can provide the love.

As for marriage, you don't need or want to marry yet, and that is reasonable if the house is yours and your partner is not contributing equally. If you feel comfortable with it in the future, then great, but it must be your choice. You will not be disadvantaged by staying single.

I think you just have to carry on as you are now. Good luck

Look, ultimately, you live with your boyfriend and his son.

Surely you can see that the relationship dynamic would be skewed towards their bond?

It sounds like your partner had no home & was possibly living with his parents when you met & then now you are providing a home DS decided to move in. I can’t really see what your partner contributes to the house budget. It also seems you do the bulk of the house work & running of the house. I would say you have a partner problem. I don’t think the stepson is the issue.

I’m baffled as to why you have had a baby with this man?

Or they live with me ?