DP refuses to acknowledge my birthday on social media

[BrightLJ]

It was my birthday yesterday - me and my DP officially got together around this time last year so this was the first birthday he was properly ‘with’ me for for.

He made the day really special, thoughtful presents, a nice day out with a lunch somewhere I have always wanted to go to.

For DP’s birthday a few months ago I did a big post on my insta grid, with photos of us and a loving caption.

I thought DP would have done the same for
me yesterday. It got to early evening and I still
hadn’t been tagged by him or noticed anything on his profile so I asked him if he was planning on doing this.

He said no, that he has wished me happy birthday in person and that he didn’t see the point in posting something publicly when he’d spent all day with me. I said it would mean a lot to me if he did but he again said no and that he isn’t really a social media type of person and always felt these sort of posts were unnecessary unless the two people were apart.

I was admittedly a bit frosty with him after this and the evening didn’t really go as planned, he was meant to stay over at mine but said he wasn’t feeling great and went home.

I’ve messaged him today to say I was a bit hurt by him not posting and that it felt as though he wasn’t proud of us. He’s basically replied to say again he’s not that type of man and it isn’t something he will ever do.

Am I unreasonable to ask for this, it’s a minimum expectation in this day and age surely?

This has to be a windup. God help your relationship if anything difficult actually happens if you are so upset about no insta post.

No, socials AREN'T a part of relationships whether people like it or not. You and your friendship group have decided that's whats important and clearly gossip if someones partner doesn't do this. I might be older than you, but I have an adult son younger than you. Who does use SM but doesn't care what others think of how he uses them - because it's not their lives.

Problem here is an ex has been treated differently, so I do understand with you being upset over that. But it's likely he didn't want to do that either and has now decided he won't be forced, you won't know until you specifically tell him that's what you're actually bothered about.

Grouping everyone under the age of 30 the same way though is just silly.

I always think relationships that are very showy online probably aren’t that great behind closed doors. Maybe he put his ex on his insta as he was trying to make more of it than there was (hence the ex). But things are good with you and he doesn’t feel the need to force/fake it online.

That's a sweeping generalisation – socials are not part of every relationship for people your age. As for "certain standards" – if a birthday post on IG is your idea of setting the bar you should be embarrassed. He gave you a lovely birthday and you're sulking to let him stew. Grow up.

Ok, I might be early 40s, but I met 80% of my boyfriends on social media - I’ve had it for more than 20 years which is almost as long as you’ve been alive. And I’m from the generation that put EVERYTHING online (and tagged all our bloody mates into every embarrassing sodding photo as well in the days before filters and privacy settings). I even met my now husband on social media, 14 years ago. I’ve been active on every major social media platform since LiveJournal, bar SnapChat (because I wasn’t 12yo when it came out, or cheating on my partner 😂).

Love when people in their 20s think that socials have only recently become an integral part of life when in reality, it’s been part of the entire adult lives of people twice their age.

Have you even slightly considered that maybe your partner finally breathed a sigh of relief that he didn’t have to put up with posting that performative public crap anymore when he and his ex split, and now you’re just forcing him to do the same thing? Or did you just get all butthurt and mopey because this thoughtful, lovely guy who made your day super special didn’t do you a cringe shout out so you could preen in front of your friends?

You say all your friends have found themselves guys who will do that for them…the rest of us will take a guy who does the hard thing, give us the actual thoughtful, caring gestures over someone who can’t be arsed but then spends ten minutes to put something cute on socials to make up for it.

Looks like your boyfriend is about to have a very lucky escape if you show him that the latter is what you really value. Style over substance and shallow as puddle 🙄

@BrightLJ I’m with your partner, I’m not a social media person and never post gushing posts.

If my husband behaved like a spoilt child for me not posting his birthday on social media, I would seriously be questioning if he’s the person I want to be with.

With all kindness, you need to grow up xx

But there’s certain standards we can demand from our men and I won’t apologise for that.

Posting on social media is a 'standard' now?

Am I unreasonable to ask for this, it’s a minimum expectation in this day and age surely?

Yes; I believe Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs is under review right now to see where "big splashy public Happy Birthday online" fits in.

I suspect it will lose out to physiological and safety needs just because some edgy saddos like to claim they don't celebrate adult birthdays, or are avoiding social media based on recent revelation of harms, or are boycotting 'insta" because Bezos is a horror, or have safety concerns about splashing personal business out in public, or prefer to treat their partner well rather than perform for an outside audience. (They're wrong, though.)

You need to grow up. Maybe his ex pressured him into posting and he didn’t like it? He shouldn’t have to delete his socials just to keep up some online show for your friends?! I bet he’s really regretting all the effort he put into your real life birthday right now, I would be! He could have done nothing and posted a sappy Instagram story and got away with it…

He's probably grown up a bit since his last relationship. Or realised that a pitfall of posting on social media is that it then gives ammunition for an argument.

If you want your friends to know he has made an effort just post a picture of your card or cake or similar and say "feeling really spoiled"

He has text to say he regrets not posting anything now and didn’t realise yesterday how important it was to me. He says he will make sure he does in the future.

Do I reply…

I feel sorry for him.

Have you met many men?

I appreciate there’s a mix of views

Only if you consider 99% of over 3000 votes saying YABU and 1% agreeing with you mixed!
The only individual posts you've responded to are the handful that are more supportive of you, and you won't acknowledge the views of everyone else.

The classic OP asks AIBU, everyone says YABU and the OP says no I'm not!

Do you reply? You’ve got exactly what you wanted (albeit ridiculous) so why on earth wouldn’t you reply? You don’t deserve him

This really made me smile @NooNakedJacuzziness You win the internet today ❤️

What nonsense!! He should be the one receiving the apology and letting you stew OP!! Even my 18yo DD rolled her eyes when I asked her if she would be bothered - and shes addicted to social media!

I wouldn't, it's too late now. He had his chance!

You actually complained out loud to him? Jesus.

You reply saying "Don't worry, I'm just being silly. I had such a great birthday, thank you."

Yes - you apologise for being such a spoilt brat, and tell him you realise you were in the wrong, @BrightLJ.

You could reply and apologise for being an idiot and tell him you'd rather he was himself. You could also apologise for being so ungrateful for all the wonderful things he did for your birthday.

But I suspect you won't...

You realise if he posts things now it's because you have manipulated him into it with your cold behaviour? Not because he wants to post about you.

Yeah, of course he has.🙄

Also I’m in my late 30s - IMAGINE, so old! But I work with social media accounts & come into contact with a lot of young people, influencers etc. The way social is going, I feel like this would be seen as quite cringe. From what I’ve seen online, the more publicly lovey dovey a relationship is, the worse it is behind the scenes. It’s massive over compensation. Normal healthy relationships don’t need to post for the outside world.

Actually, a brilliant point.

👏👏👏