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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU FOR WANTING HER OUT?

219 replies

JanetHenry98 · 19/03/2025 09:32

My DS is 24 and last year him and his girlfriend had a child (my grandson). Originally his girlfriend was living with her family and my grandson, and my DS still lived at home with me. However, after his girlfriend had a row with her family, she has moved in with us. At first i was happy for her to come, as she had no where else to go, but now i’m getting frustrated. She doesn’t help out around the house, and does not put the effort into taking care of my grandson, instead expecting us to do everything!!!! She is on the phone to her friends all day, being loud in the kitchen where none of us can get in there to cook!! AIBU or is it right that i want her to leave?

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 19/03/2025 09:33

What’s your son doing with regards to parenting and contributing to the household chores?

Original poster
JanetHenry98 · 19/03/2025 09:35

@Blanca87He has had to get an extra job so he is not at home much.

OP posts:
Neverlandd · 19/03/2025 09:37

JanetHenry98 · 19/03/2025 09:35

@Blanca87He has had to get an extra job so he is not at home much.

But during the times he is home?

Scutterbug · 19/03/2025 09:37

I would do a rota do this very clear who is doing what daily.
Then go out as much as you can and leave her to it. She can’t leave you to deal with your GS if you aren’t there…

BodenCardiganNot · 19/03/2025 09:38

They both need to move out. Not just her.

Original poster
JanetHenry98 · 19/03/2025 09:38

@NeverlanddHe’s good with the cleaning and looking after the baby, but he works until 9pm on weekdays so the baby is usually asleep/most household activities have been done.

OP posts:
GRex · 19/03/2025 09:38

They are both still acting like kids, because you enable that. When they decided to have the baby, you should have been getting your son to step up to create a family environment for the 3 of them. You let him act like a child, so she thinks that's how she can act too. Sit your son down first and work out if he sees this as a long-term relationship, if not then they should separate and split the childcare, so you only need to get him to sort out 50% of the care. If they will stay together then you should be helping him work out a plan for a home for both of them, and improved independence in your home.

Original poster
JanetHenry98 · 19/03/2025 09:40

@BodenCardiganNotI want them to both move out, but right now it’s not financially affordable for them. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
GRex · 19/03/2025 09:41

JanetHenry98 · 19/03/2025 09:38

@NeverlanddHe’s good with the cleaning and looking after the baby, but he works until 9pm on weekdays so the baby is usually asleep/most household activities have been done.

He should be doing tasks in the morning before he goes to work. What time does he leave for work? If he genuinely has a FT job, why has he not rented a studio flat for them all to live in, instead of camping out in your house?

QuickPeachPoet · 19/03/2025 09:43

JanetHenry98 · 19/03/2025 09:40

@BodenCardiganNotI want them to both move out, but right now it’s not financially affordable for them. I don’t know what to do.

then they should not have had a child that they can't afford and provide for by themselves. Kids having kids!
Yes I know some young parents are brilliant, both working full time, paying rent and not sponging off relatives. But this is clearly not one of those cases.
Not a dig at you, you are doing brilliantly OP. Son's GF needs to get off her arse and get a job and they need to save for a deposit on a rented flat.

autisticbookworm · 19/03/2025 09:43

If they can’t afford to move out either they need to go on council house list or change their ways. Your ds and gf are responsible for their baby and house work relating to them. You need to have a meeting with them and set some boundaries. Are you at home all
day too? I’d start going out more. Are they paying rent? Saving for a deposit/rental?

Bailamosse · 19/03/2025 09:44

You can tell anyone who moves in with you to move out at any time.

Just tell her now.

Living with family rarely works.

RealEagle · 19/03/2025 09:44

Take a step back ,go about your daily life and let them look after the baby .Stop doing things.

Original poster
JanetHenry98 · 19/03/2025 09:46

@GRex He leaves at 8 which is the same time that the baby wakes up. He would not be able to support himself, his GF and his son with the wage he is on right now. I would have to give him some financial support, which i don’t want to do. The thing that concerns me is that he is not paying or contributing to mine and my husband’s home, he expects to live here for free with his GF. They have no intention of moving out which is irritating me, but I don’t know how to tell him, especially when my grandson is involved.

OP posts:
LurkyMcLurkinson · 19/03/2025 09:47

You’re not unreasonable to want her out but what have you done to improve things? Have you communicated your expectations to her and your son. When she expects you to care for the child do you say no clearly and tell her that’s her responsibility?

rainbowstardrops · 19/03/2025 09:48

You need to sit them both down and lay out your boundaries. Was your son not paying you any rent before the girlfriend moved in?

Fraaances · 19/03/2025 09:50

Foot down… Have a meeting with them letting them know that if things don’t change, they will be given two weeks notice to leave.

Original poster
JanetHenry98 · 19/03/2025 09:51

@rainbowstardropsNo he wasn’t, it’s not the rent that is the problem. It’s not the rent that is causing me concern. It’s just that i feel like i am being taken advantage of.

OP posts:
Original poster
JanetHenry98 · 19/03/2025 09:52

@Fraaances If there wasn’t a child involved i would have done this. But my GS is my number one concern.

OP posts:
TwinklyRoseTurtle · 19/03/2025 09:53

If they moved out they would be entitled to benefits- if I were you I’d start looking at places for them to live they only need a 1 bed flat to start to rent, I would help them out with a deposit only and tell them they need to leave, at their ages they shouldn’t be relying on you

thankyounextplease · 19/03/2025 09:53

JanetHenry98 · 19/03/2025 09:40

@BodenCardiganNotI want them to both move out, but right now it’s not financially affordable for them. I don’t know what to do.

While you're enabling them like this they won't move out.

When people need to find a way to do something because they have no other choice, they find that way.

It was their decision to have a baby with no financial stability, you're not responsible for their finances.

What to do is sit down and have a chat with them and say you're happy to help them look at options and solutions for living elsewhere if they'd like your assistance, but regardless they need to move out by x specific timeframe.

ForRealCat · 19/03/2025 09:53

Are you prepared for her to take your grandchild with her? Are you prepared for her to be sofa surfing with a baby? Are you prepared to do irrevocable damage to your relationship with the mother of your grandchild?

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 19/03/2025 09:53

Have you both sat them down and clearly detailed what they must do in your house? They must parent their child, clean, pay towards their costs, not create work for you etc.

IsawwhatIsaw · 19/03/2025 09:53

I’d have a meeting repeating what you’ve said here.
if there are still concerns around their ability or willingness to parent the baby maybe social services could help support.
financially it’s not right that you totally support them. What’s your son spending his money on?

Viviennemary · 19/03/2025 09:54

Your son and girlfriend should both be asked to leave. You are doing them no favours allowing them to drift along in your house taking on no responsibility. And they will probably be entitled to benefits if your son is on a low wage.