AIBU FOR WANTING HER OUT?

[JanetHenry98]

My DS is 24 and last year him and his girlfriend had a child (my grandson). Originally his girlfriend was living with her family and my grandson, and my DS still lived at home with me. However, after his girlfriend had a row with her family, she has moved in with us. At first i was happy for her to come, as she had no where else to go, but now i’m getting frustrated. She doesn’t help out around the house, and does not put the effort into taking care of my grandson, instead expecting us to do everything!!!! She is on the phone to her friends all day, being loud in the kitchen where none of us can get in there to cook!! AIBU or is it right that i want her to leave?

Your son is working full time - where is that money going given that he's not paying rent? I assume gf is on maternity pay, which isn't much to be fair.

You need to sit them both down and have a talk about the immediate and medium term future. Be nice! They are young and this is all big stuff to work out, but they can't just bimble along assuming you'll take care of everything. Are they possibly also freaked out by the realities and responsibilities of parenthood?

Because he’s the man in the situation, so must be wrong.

I agree. His partner is an adult who is living in your house; you have the right to speak to her directly. Also if he relays what you've said, he may only relay what she's happy to hear!

What is she not putting the effort into her child that you are expecting?

You need to stop enabling her by being more hands off. Any of their clearing up she can't do because she has the child (some days I struggled when ds was small) your ds does it when he gets home. If she plans to go out she makes plans to take her child with her.

If you want them to leave and they can't afford it the only way is to throw them out and they present themselves at the council as homeless and they take their chances with emergency accommodation. Your relationship with them might not survive this.

Children having children it seems. She needs to move out.

Why are people blaming her son and not the baby's mother? I wouldn't want my grandson moving out to live with her all day if she ignores him and doesn't take care of him.

You can’t ask the gf to move out and that not to mean your son and grandson too. They are a family and if your son did somehow go along with that I’d be concerned at his commitment to his partner and child.

Absolutely should be having a chat about help around the house and be frank that you are not the child’s parent and your happy to help and support them but need some help in the house and it will be a shock to them all when they do move out if they do nothing now

You tell them clearly either she steps up and does her share around the house or she is out.

You tell her she needs to look after her own child and you are not available.
If she tries to get you to babysit, just give the child back to her.

Their finances are not your issue

You say he is working (two jobs) between 8am-9pm every day, but he can't afford to pay you rent/bills?

What jobs is he doing and where is his money going?

If he's saving every penny to move out that's fair enough, but it doesn't sound like that's the case from your posts.

Wtf are you on about? Are you the girlfriend?

All of you living together isn’t a sustainable plan. It’s going to have to change sooner rather than later and so I think it’s not worth a big ongoing battle to get them to behave as you’d like. Just tell them it’s time for them to find a place. If your son is working all those hours, and hasn’t been paying rent, then they can afford it.

They only need a tiny one bed. I live in London where prices are such that many families rent in one bed or small two bed flats with no garden. The older the child gets the more they will push for needing a two bed so I would encourage a move asap.

I guess the only exception might be if they came to you with a plan for saving, with realistic estimates of cost to move out and when it might happen, alongside really changing the way they behave while living with you. But, to be honest I don’t think that is advisable. I think they just need to get their own place.

WTF? The gf needs to get off her backside and contribute.

Why are you focusing on what the son is doing when op is describing the woman’s behaviour when he’s not there?
Newsflash- it’s not always the man’s fault.
OP I suggest a reboot chat with her. Explain she’s the default carer not you, that the kitchen isn’t for making calls. Offer defined babysitting if you want to- with boundaries- one night a week/ fortnight once grandchild is asleep, or a weekday morning until set time.

So if he has 2 jobs, why does he pay no rent?

If he works 2 jobs he can pay rent/some costs. It's not fair for you to do that. You can also be kind but firm to say they should agree a timeline with you for getting their own place as that'll be healthier for everyone, then you will help them search for a flat, how to apply for benefits, whatever it might be.

The mother of the grandchild owes this woman NOTHING.

The mother of the grandchild is responsible for her own life and her child's life (so is the father of the grandchild).

Her life. Her choices. Her responsibility.

FFS. Talk about enabling.

The son is 24. That isn't a child! It's a fully grown adult.

@ForRealCat why would the freeloading girlfriend need to sofa surf? She could choose to house herself like any other adult.

😂 No. My point is however unreasonable the GF is, she does hold a lot of power in that she can and may choose to manage OPs access to her grandchild. I am not saying it is right, but it must be a consideration. She can't kick the mother out and assume she will be able to keep her grandchild. If the GF does take the grandchild she is very unlikely to bring them round once a week for tea.

One can be wrong, but be in control. This dilemma shouldn't be looked at purely as who is in the wrong or right.

I often think people who 'have a falling out' with their own family and seem to have literally nowhere else to go... There's a reason for that

@ForRealCat the child has a father, too, it's his role to facilitate contact with his parents if/when he moves out.

She needs to ask her own family to take her back. Obviously they got fed up of her too, but she's their daughter not yours.

Fuck, the anti-man brigade are out in full force today! He's doing two jobs, working 13 hours a day, the gf is sitting on her lazy arse massively taking the piss yet the lad is getting all the stick on here!
This is ridiculous, even by MN's admittedly low standards...

This.
I'm going to make an assumption that you haven't actually asked them to pay you any rent, which is enabling their behaviour.
Are you aware that the amount of money they are getting is as much as this, OP?

Now you know why her family had her leave.
Tellyour son that you want her to leave with her child, grandchild or not.

She is using you and your home.
I wouldn't tolerate it from your son first.
His job to tell her.

Tell him that them continuing to use your home is no longer an option.
Old enough to have children, old enough to provide.
She will behave like this for as long as you will tolerate it.

She needs to present as homeless.
They are taking you for a mug.
Sorry OP, but you need to toughen up or this will continue.