AIBU FOR WANTING HER OUT?

[JanetHenry98]

My DS is 24 and last year him and his girlfriend had a child (my grandson). Originally his girlfriend was living with her family and my grandson, and my DS still lived at home with me. However, after his girlfriend had a row with her family, she has moved in with us. At first i was happy for her to come, as she had no where else to go, but now i’m getting frustrated. She doesn’t help out around the house, and does not put the effort into taking care of my grandson, instead expecting us to do everything!!!! She is on the phone to her friends all day, being loud in the kitchen where none of us can get in there to cook!! AIBU or is it right that i want her to leave?

She should be falling over herself to pitch in and show she respects that you have housed her for free. She should also be caring for her own child, not expecting you to.

I'd just lay your cards on the table so to speak. You aren't able to be a full time carer to your grandson, and you shouldn't feel like you're intruding in your own kitchen.

Set out a rota for all the adults in the house for chores so everyone is pitching in. Set out a rule that being on duty as a grandparent should be asked and prearranged, not automatically assumed 24/7 and when asked you may say no!

I can see why her parents got annoyed can't you! Even if I'm invited to someone's home for tea I take something, help clean up after, etc. she's living with you! And massively taking the piss.

Wouldn’t it be better to have that conversation with both of them. Explain that life isn’t free (home, food, nanny) and that they show some respect by taking on tasks around the house and she cares for her child (other than a bit of babysitting if requested and convenient). They are behaving like kids partly because you have facilitated that.

OP, why do you only plan to sit down and talk to your son? You need to talk to BOTH of them, she needs to know that she either works and you'll look after their child, if that's what you, and they want, OR she stays home and looks after the baby completely AND does housework, etc. Point out that they chose to keep the child, but are acting irresponsibly and it's time to grow up, and sort themselves out a home. If they don't agree, tell them they have a month to find a place to live, and then they're out, and will have to present to the council as homeless. In that time, she either gets a job, or looks after her baby and does some housework to earn her keep that way, but that you are no longer prepared to subsidise her while she sits on her bum and does nothing. Be firm, but talk to them BOTH!

Tell them you need to have a meeting - then explain that things are not working for you. It sounds like your son is trying to work and is taking on more hours which is commendable and realistically he can’t help more with chores but his girlfriend can and must! Suggest a rota for making dinner, cleaning etc and explain that for them to continue living with you there must be changes

Especially when you factor in the UC they'd be entitled once they're paying rent.

My niece is on SMP, her partner takes home £2.5k and they get £600 a month in UC towards their £850 rent.

Why is everyone gunning for DS? He works two jobs, OP hasn't expressed any frustration towards him...wonder why the girlfriend fell out with her family? Probs similar thing

It sounds like your son is being responsible but the mother of his child isn't. She's left her own family home, sounds like due to the lazy and selfish attitude she has with you.

I despair of parents like this, on phone all the time and neglecting their child. You're in a difficult position and only way around it is firm boundaries.

Part of me wants to say if she's acting like a spoilt child, take her phone away! Could the Internet be faulty for a few days?

Come on OP, he leaves the house at 8 and comes home at 9pm every day yet he can't afford to support his family, why not? Does he have debt? What's the point of working all those hours and leaving his girlfriend to be your problem to deal with, when it isn't even enough to live on.

He needs to get his shit together and either get a decent job that pays properly, or they need to both work and share childcare more evenly. They are only doing what they are doing now because you let them, they need to grow up and get their act together.

Really you need to sit both your son and his girlfriend down and talk about this honestly. I know it's not a very pleasant prospect, but everyone will feel aggrieved otherwise. You will finish up looking after the GC full time and losing access to your phone and kitchen.
Having concern for your grandson is one thing, giving up your life so your son and his girlfriend can have a life as if they have no child is another thing- and ultimately would not be doing your grandson any favours.

Easy solution. Tell the girlfriend to get a job and start paying rent. Put her rent into savings and hand it over in a few months as a deposit and off they go.

Why wouldn't you?

Where will the kid go?

Sounds like he's doing his best with 2 jobs on the go and getting home at 8/9pm poor sod.
Lazy arse gf needs to get off her phone and help the OP out together with parenting her child. Perhaps this is the reason for her falling out with her own parents.

This is mental.
Is he working two jobs and not being able to support a wife and a baby while they do not put any rent??
What they spend all money on?

With you. If you’re doing everything you may as well improve that by getting her out.

Does DIL have a job to return to? Is she on mat leave?

Does DS/DIL contribute anything financial to the household e.g. bills? If not, why not?

OP' son got 2 jobs but DIL does nothing, its time she gets a pt job and helps around the house. Sits them both down and talk to them, they should be paying a small amount to help with utilities etc.

He's got two jobs, the mother hasn't got a job and doesn't want to look after baby or do housework. How come he gets the hard time? Oh I know, he's the male.

Why would the kid be with me?

Rather than ask them to leave, make it clear what the expectation is. If they then don’t do as you have told, then i’d tell them that they need to think about getting their own place. Are they on the waiting list for social housing?

Why does he have two jobs? He doesn’t pay rent so they should have enough money. If he is saving then they should have enough for rent by now. Is he avoiding family life?

If they both moved out with the child they'd qualify for benefits, like Universal credit to top income up so they can afford the rent, there'll be child benefit as well. Have this conversation about benefits with your son, if he wants to be in this relationship. If not the girl can claim benefits. Your son will then be pursued for child maintenance. It's a big conversation to have

I meant with the OP clearly.

So, what's the money from the 2 jobs going on if they don't contribute to your home? Is she on maternity leave?
Tell them, everything will be split equally 4 ways. If you stick to this, the will move out. Stop allowing it to happen.

Suggest they apply for a council or housing association place in the area. They’re technically homeless if you can only accommodate them temporarily. It’s best to get on the waiting list asap.

And is his gf planning to return to work once the baby’s a year old? If so, have they investigated childcare? Again, best to put their name down for a place now, as it could be a long wait. Could she be looking into applying for a course starting in September to boost her employability?

You also need to sort out some ground rules while they remain with you. That it’s your home which they’re guests in. Even if you don’t expect rent (which I think would be a principled idea, even if your put it into a savings account for them but don’t tell them that), then they should at very least pay their share of the bills and food.

They should also do their fair share of housework and, unless she politely asks you as a favour when she has a need/needs a break, she should look after her own child.

This will all prepare them for living independently as a family: budgeting, childcare, housework, problem-solving, planning to move forward.