AIBU FOR WANTING HER OUT?

[JanetHenry98]

My DS is 24 and last year him and his girlfriend had a child (my grandson). Originally his girlfriend was living with her family and my grandson, and my DS still lived at home with me. However, after his girlfriend had a row with her family, she has moved in with us. At first i was happy for her to come, as she had no where else to go, but now i’m getting frustrated. She doesn’t help out around the house, and does not put the effort into taking care of my grandson, instead expecting us to do everything!!!! She is on the phone to her friends all day, being loud in the kitchen where none of us can get in there to cook!! AIBU or is it right that i want her to leave?

Why has he had to get a second job if he contributes nothing to the bills

You need to speak to both of them!

If they go to the local council and say you are making them homeless,the council will house them.

I think you need to sit down with both of them, not just your son and ask what the plan is long term. Are they saving any money to put toward a rental deposit? Have they looked at what benefits they would be entitled to in their own place. This is putting the ball in their court to be proactive rather than you doing anything on their behalf.

I would be laying down the law over food, laundry, cleaning etc and then arranging another meeting in a weeks time so you can all discuss the situation again. Don't kick the can further down the road. They are parents, they need to act like it especially the girlfriend.

They need to know you are not going to let this slide. You cannot parent out of fear, fear that they will cut you out of their lives etc. They are taking advantage, especially the girlfriend. This is not her house and she should be treating you and it with respect.

you can;t expect her to move out and him stay. You can't just keep him at home as they can't afford it. Other people manage. They are a couple and a family and need to both move out.

I'd sit DS down and have a calm chat about longer term plans.

I'd do shit sandwich - nice comment, shit comment followed by nice comment. It's so lovely seeing you and having lots of time with DS. However, we don't feel it's sustainable in the longer term or beneficial for you as a family in the longer term. We'd love to help out in x and y way (whatever you would do). Just make it clear this isn't a long term thing.

I'd also suggest they take a look at finances and add up his earnings, child benefit, any other UC they might receive and see if they could rent a small place either nearby or check out whether there are cheaper areas nearby. He must have a lot of money saved if he's working so many hours and not contributing any rent/bills?

Can they get on a social housing list? Check out applying for affordable homes to rent on new build developments if there are any near you.

Yea, exactly, I was so gobsmacked by some of the replies. Man works 8am - 9pm, 2 jobs. Woman sits on her arse all day, yapping in the kitchen with her friends, child foisted on grandparents. And the replies are: what's he doing when he's at home? Probably eating, showering and going to bed, I'd think. Now what is SHE doing? Fuck all. Accommodation free, food free, no childcare to do.

I'd sit them both down, explain the situation, lay down the law and give them a trial period. They both should be doing their share of stuff, contrbuting financially and looking for a place of their own. If the situation stays the same - I'd kick them out.

Stop it. The issue is the mother. He is going above and beyond to provide, while she is expecting his family to pick up on her slack child care.

@JanetHenry98 you’ve been very kind by letting them stay. If they want to play mummy and daddy then they both need to grow up.

I think you should start charging a small amount of rent, even if you don’t want to use it, you can always save it for them for when they move out, but just don’t tell them.

Setup a rota of chores, in reality everyone has to do chores regardless of whether they work etc.

Your son could easily do something as simple as emptying the bins, cleaning the bathroom or even unloading the dishwasher.

Don't single the girlfriend out,they don’t understand how lucky they are, I know you were just being kind but do not handicap them to a point where they think going to work and raising a child is all they have to do Xx

I agree that you can't expect her to move out and him to stay. How do you think young families on low incomes survive? They are entitled to benefits.

I suspect they could afford to live independently but are happy living with you.

If your son has been living rent free he should have been able to afford a deposit to rent a flat by now, he should have been saving almost all his wages since he found out she was pregnant.

This!

Totally bizarre that the first few comments included someone saying he should do tasks before he goes to work while happily accepting that the girlfriend does bugger all.

I would tell them both that she either needs to get a job and be out of the house doing it or she needs to do chores in the house she's in, as well as accepting your house rules.

If they don't want to do that, then they don't have to. They can shift elsewhere.

Of course you're concerned for your grandson but I imagine they know this and are using the baby to manipulate and bully you into accepting this nonsense.

If you genuinely feel that they can't look after the baby on their own, call Social Services but don't set yourself up for a lifetime of being walked on because they hold the baby.

Write a letter for them to submit to the council stating that they need to move out by X date. They should be able to house them.

Unless you live in an expensive area, surely he could afford a flat working that much and not paying you any board? If not, they should be entitled to UC top up or local housing allowance.

So your son goes out at 8am and doesn’t get back until 9pm? What sort of work is he doing?

They are adults. Tell them to leave and set up their own home. All of us have to do it at some point. They will manage.

Just be available to help out with any childcare as the mother will have to return to work to be able to afford to move out and set up their own place.

This is life. It’s not unusual.

Tell them you are no longer in a position financially or mentally to have them at your home anymore. However, what you are position to help out with is:

• childcare (state clearly what you are and aren’t up for)
• 8 week transition period. You won’t charge rent or anything else but you expect them to use this to their advantage to save money and for her to look for a job.
• A contribution to a deposit
• Help with the move to their new home. Help with arranging council tax etc.
• Mark any furniture that they can’t take with them, bedding etc (maybe things you don’t need anymore to help them get started.

Make it clear what date they need to be out for

I am struggling to understand the economics of this. A single full-time minimum wage job would bring in £23k a year, and he's apparently doing more than that. He isn't paying rent or presumably contributing to energy bills or anything. Other subsistence costs are not likely to add up to £23k even for two adults and a baby. What on earth is all the money going on??

So if them mother of the child doesn't do anything and the father has 2 jobs, why are people asking what he is doing to help when she does nothing but leaves it to the grandparents?

It's probably because he is not taking responsibility for what is happening in the house after he leaves for work. He is not taking responsibility for his girlfriend and his baby and he is leaving for work as if just working is enough. When you have a child, just going to work isn't going to cut it. There are other responsibilities that come with having a family and he is simply ignoring them. Has he spoken to his girlfriend about her behavior? Is he contributing to bills and jobs in the house? He needs to be the one sorting all this out WITH his girlfriend, but he seems to be quite happy leaving it all to his mum. Having two jobs is not an excuse for not taking responsibility for everything else that is happening in your life.

You need to:

Set a rota up for chores.
Start charging rent.
Say that you're happy to do 1 hour of childcare a day (or whatever you're happy with) and then that's that.

It needs to be communicated calmly and clearly

What is your son spending his wages on? I'd tell them it isn't working and give them a fixed date to leave whether that's 1month, 3 months etc. As long as you keep enabling them there's no incentive to grow up, pay their way and parent their child. Are you really surprised she has fallen out with her family probably her behaviour was exactly the same there!

@Beeloux good idea about a letter.

They need to contact council ASAP and get their own place.

How is your son able to bond with the baby if he is out so long every day? Don't you want him to get to spend more time with the baby? Him having to work that much is a bit heartbreaking to me. If it was my son I would give him a break and stop being so focused on money. Not sure what to do about the lazy dil though.

Why didn’t they get married with a child on the way? What is her age? Do you think the relationship is going to last?

Does she realise what needs to be done around the house? If she has never lived out of her parents house she might have just had everything done for her and not realise exactly what needs doing or how to do it, and with you there to do things now, she isn't having to learn.

Perhaps start by saying "help me sort/wash/hang/fold the laundry" or "help me plan the shopping list/cook dinner" and when you know she can do it, then establish a rota where she is responsible for cooking on certain days or for cleaning certain rooms etc.

I would break it down for her - yes, it might be annoying, but ultimately it will benefit your grandchild if she knows how to cook nice meals and keep a basic level of cleanliness in the home.

Why is OP being held responsible for the father bonding with the baby? He made the baby and now he needs to take care of the baby and his family. OP is not only housing and feeding them but is now responsible for sorting out bonding time for the parents? Wow.

My very first thought!

Because this isn't 1950?