AIBU FOR WANTING HER OUT?

[JanetHenry98]

My DS is 24 and last year him and his girlfriend had a child (my grandson). Originally his girlfriend was living with her family and my grandson, and my DS still lived at home with me. However, after his girlfriend had a row with her family, she has moved in with us. At first i was happy for her to come, as she had no where else to go, but now i’m getting frustrated. She doesn’t help out around the house, and does not put the effort into taking care of my grandson, instead expecting us to do everything!!!! She is on the phone to her friends all day, being loud in the kitchen where none of us can get in there to cook!! AIBU or is it right that i want her to leave?

Why didn’t they get married with a child on the way?

because it's not the 1950s?

What conversations have you already had with her about all this?

I ask because I too have this issue with my ds who is 20 and I have asked him over and over to clean up and behave like he's part of the household community. No response.

So what's been discussed?

If his girlfriend is doing nothing why does he need to do anything before leaving for a long day working? I know this is the MN mantra, 50/50 etc but this would be expecting him to far more and also hold down a job.

And do you have an opinion on the girlfriend, who's not working and not helping out at all?

You need to sit down with your son and explain how unhappy you are with the current situation, and that he has to have a serious talk with his gf about her lack of contribution to the household. Insist that a condition of them living with you is that she helps around the house, and gives you some space.

Ask him how much money he’s earning and work out a housing/living budget with him. Find out what benefits they would be entitled to if they moved out. Give them a deadline for moving out, and in the meantime charge them a nominal rent and a contribution to household bills etc.

Tell him you love him, and that you know it will be hard but at 24 he’s got himself into this situation and it’s up to him to sort it out!

I think you need to sit the both down and go over your expectations. They are both adults and need to behave like one. Do a rota between you all, including times you will help out with your GS or you will never get them to stand on their own 2 feet, she sounds to comfortable.

He's out of the house working for 13 hours a day. That sounds quite responsible to me.

So you son is working full time (but seems like more hours?) so should be getting £23k per year minimum. Add to this child benefit which is £1063.20 (tax free) per year... So £24k and that's before any other benefits or anything that his girlfriend might be doing to earn money. So, that's over £1600 per month.

Based on minimum wage and standard hours.

I'd talk to them both together, nothing can be lost in the translation that way. They should be significantly contributing to your utility bills as a minimum. Then she needs to do more than sit around chatting to her friends (obviously)
where is all his money going, I hope not on going out, takeaways and accessories for a fancy car.

yes I would kick them out and they can present themselves as homeless at the council if it comes to it. I too suspect the girl is bone idle and selfish which is why her parents got sick of it and turned her out. That's a big step to take even in a possibly dysfunctional family.

You say he is out at work 13 hours per day (8-9) presumably 5 days per week as you didn't specify. Even if he only did 37.5 hours minimum wage he would be on £457.88/ week, over £1800 per month. But it must be more for him to be out for so long each day, even on an hour commute and an hour lunch that's 50 hours per week, so minimum £2500 per month.
You are charging him zero because he "can't afford it".

A studio will be under £1000, bills and food another £1000. He can absolutely afford it.

I also think this is the best solution, OP.

So, if they aren't paying for anything...I'm going to put it out there and ask who has £1600 a month disposable income .... I'm guessing they would be in the minority of their peers.

A lot of people on here saying the son should pull his fair share but Op mentioned he’s taken on an extra job. Does the GF work or is she on maternity leave still?

He's working 2 jobs so maybe there is some commute time between jobs, but I do agree, if he is paying no keep then he should be earning a fair bit.

Then put your foot down. They are adults, treat them as adults.

But he’s not contributing to the household at all, so that’s not in any way responsible is it? Expecting his parents to pay for HIS family?

Completely agree with this. My parents would never have tolerated this behaviour.

You say rent is not an issue but it really is. If they live with you for free there is no incentive for them to move out. My parents charged us rent when we lived at home as adults if we were not in full time education. It wasn’t the market rate but it is an important step into adulthood - you need to support yourself whatever that entails.

I would also make my expectations clear about them moving out. They need to apply for council housing and look at rental options.

This can all be done calmly and with love. It need not ruin your relationship with them but they are grown ups now, they have their own family, and they all need to move out. Until then, establish the ground rules.

Can't get over everyone thinking the son is the problem, yes he should help but also works all day and into the evening while the GF is sat on her arse on her phone all day, she should have some respect for the OP and help with housework ect and look after the baby like any stay at home mum should do,

My parents were teenagers when they had me. They lived with my mother’s parents for three years whilst working full time and saving for their own home. I don’t know if they contributed financially, although I’m sure they would have made a small contribution. I know it’s a different time and my grandmother was able to look after me when my mother was at work, but maybe if your son’s girlfriend could work and save then there would be some light at the end of the tunnel for you.

Tou do need to talk with them both at the same time. Don’t triangulate.

Says a lot that she’s not welcome in her parents’ home. Do they ever provide childcare? They need to step up and contribute.

I would have a calm and direct conversation with her - ay you want to support her and DS and their baby with somewhere to live, but that she needs to take full responsibility for caring for her baby and be more considerate in fitting in with the household. Give very clear guidelines: Times you need to being the kitchen to cook, that she needs to tidy and clear etc.

None of that needs to be nasty or angry, just clear.

And then talk to both of them together about their longer term plans and the priority in meeting those and how best you can support them to be independent.

Give them an ultimatum on being considerate and constructive house residents.

Try and sort it out constructively before going nuclear - as we tell kids: use your words.

What age is the baby? Is mum likely to start work after maternity leave?

Regarding the chatting on the phone in the kitchen, I'd just go in as normal and make my food etc, her being on the phone shouldnt be stopping you doing this. Maybe a noisy blender or something might help move her out of there......

Come up with some house rules. She needs to be up and out by x tim. She needs to be actively looking for a job. They need to pay you x amount of rent ( which can be saved for a deposit for their own place), you will babysit x times a week. If she is not working she n eds to do x chores and baby stuff needs to be confined to x rooms and cleared up at the end of the day. You need x evenings a week to yourself ( they can go out/ stay in their room), they must cook for everyone x times a week etc. sit then both down and explain. You shouldn't be making it comfortable for them. You are being supportive but also cruel to be kind. They need to stand on their own two feet.

They can move out. If he is working full time and they apply for Universal credit they can afford at least a one bed rental or apply to go on the housing list. If she’s not working and you’re looking after the kid she can get off her arse and at least work part time. You have created this situation by doing everything for her. Sit down and agree a time frame for them to leave and agree Anita of who does what and when with regards to cooking cleaning etc and step right back from the childcare. Don’t be a mug.

Can they afford to move elsewhere? You say your son isn't around much to parent his own child, which doesn't sound great.
Just stop doing default childcare. If they want you to mind the child they need to ask you with notice and you can always decline and say you're busy. That's up to them not you.
I hope they do move out soon but I'm gathering the issue is financial.