AIBU FOR WANTING HER OUT?

[JanetHenry98]

My DS is 24 and last year him and his girlfriend had a child (my grandson). Originally his girlfriend was living with her family and my grandson, and my DS still lived at home with me. However, after his girlfriend had a row with her family, she has moved in with us. At first i was happy for her to come, as she had no where else to go, but now i’m getting frustrated. She doesn’t help out around the house, and does not put the effort into taking care of my grandson, instead expecting us to do everything!!!! She is on the phone to her friends all day, being loud in the kitchen where none of us can get in there to cook!! AIBU or is it right that i want her to leave?

Well that's one good thing I suppose but even more reason why they should both be pulling their weight around the home.
Like I said, I'd sit them down and tell them your expectations if they are to stay there.

Exactly.

If he’s working 12hrs a day he must be making quite a lot. What’s he spending it on?

In terms of your AIBU I would say you are if you expect her ( and your grandchild? ) to leave, therefore breaking up their family unit.
I don’t think you are BU to expect them all to be working towards getting their own home.
You have said you don’t want to help them with rent, which is perfectly understandable. Have you looked at this in purely financial terms though? You are currently subsidising them by allowing them to live with you free of charge.
Is this costing you more than the help they would need with the rent?

They are both adults - you need to sit down with them and be honest about what is not working for the household and come up with solutions. They need to have a plan - if DS is working and not paying rent, they need to be saving towards a deposit for their own place and have a time frame to do this. If his GF is not pulling her weight with household chores, you need to lay out exactly what is expected of them. Don't stay out of the kitchen if you need to use it and she's in there, just go in and do what you need to do. If she wants privacy when she's on the phone, she can go in their bedroom. I think you just need to be clear about what your expectations are.

Lots of questions spring to mind, but mostly, how have you tried to communicate with her so far? Does she know what you expect her to do, and if so, what happens when she doesn’t do it?

you need to sit them down and organise a rota of who does what . She most definitely has to help with chores . Tell her you don’t want to look after the baby either while she’s doing nothing . Tell her to get out of the kitchen if you have to use it . But she can and should help cook some meals . They are both abusing you financially but won’t stop unless you tell them . Ask for rent and money towards food and utilities. If they don’t comply , ask them to leave .

If he's doing 12 hours a day even at minimum wage he'd be earning about £500 a week, why can he not house himself?

This, especially since he isn't paying any rent atm.

Give her an ultimatum

You need to evict them and they need to go to the council and tell them they are homeless. They are more than old enough to stand on their own feet and will be fine. They will have a roof over their heads one way or another.

It's definitely time for a conversation about their plans. And another conversation about what you expect in terms of helping in the house. I don't believe that they can't afford to rent. You're making very little demands on them and naturally they're happy to stay at yours for free.
Tthey do need to look at their situation and plan to move out together into their own home.
If you can have a calm conversation with both of them, let them know that
a) you expect them to start looking for a rented property asap.
b) you expect that she helps in the house, have an actual list of the things you want done, so that it's not just a vague "I'd like you to help" conversation.
Acknowledge that it can't be easy with a small baby... but perhaps DIL needs to start thinking about getting a job.
Go gently - you don't want a situation where there is estrangement.

Family meeting time. She is not a guest visiting she is now family living in a family home. She needs to use the kitchen when needed but not just hog it sitting at the table with a tea on her phone. Get her aware of baby mum groups and parks in the area. Ask them to apply for help in subsidized housing. Maybe give a generous & fair deadline that they need to move out by.

Speak plainly to your son.
Spell out that the arrangement is not indefinite. Ask what his plans are. Ask whether he has saved much for moving out.
Ask him what a fair time frame for him moving out would be?

Make a moving out date; your son knows the deadline.
Pick ONE irritable thing your son's girlfriend needs to improve on to make life more bearable until they move out. Ask your son to help his girlfriend improve on that one thing.

You can still offer child care and visit each other once they have their own home.
You are kind to care for the welfare of your family, Op.

Your son needs a dead line and incentive for not wasting any money.

Have you looked at what help they'd be entitled to from benefits if they moved out?
If he's on a low wage they'd likely get help with rent, and possibly more.

So if them mother of the child doesn't do anything and the father has 2 jobs, why are people asking what he is doing to help when she does nothing but leaves it to the grandparents?

If son is out of the house from 8am to 9pm he must have a decent take home pay…even if on minimum wage.
This coupled with benefits will be enough to rent a place & support themselves.
It’ll be difficult but everyone needs to sit down and make plans…this cannot continue.

Tell him he is an adult with a family of his own, and that they need to get a place of their own. They are not teenagers. They are adults.

If he's paying you nothing, he has been able to build up savings if he works full-time. If he hasn't done this, where has he spent all of his wages?

The girlfriend needs to also find a job and either you look after the baby as childcare or they'll need to find a nursery. Let's face it, IF you are doing all the childcare, as you've said you are, she doesn't need to be at home.

If they are both useless, you might need to do the house search for them. Because there WILL be somewhere they can afford. It won't be great, but a studio apartment is a start.

You have to get nasty about it. They won't go while you're being kind and doing everything for them. There will be rows and bad feeling, because you've enabled him to be spoiled and she's caught that from him.

Thank you for all the advice. I’m going to sit down and have a conversation with my son tonight and tell him how i feel and what plans of action needs to be taken. Hopefully he will take it on board and begin to make changes.

This. So tired of the knee-jerk anti-male sentiments here. The girlfriend sounds like a lazy entitled twat.

Give her a chore rota, OP, and tell her it’s time to put down the phone and shape up. She does housework in lieu of rent or she gets a night supermarket job and they both pay cash rent.

You've raised him to be this letdown, hopefully it's not too late to get him to start taking responsibility.

Why are you focusing on the son who is is actually going out to work rather than the DIL who is home all day but cannot manage to do basic chores or care for her own child?

bloody hell - this and others saying similar. The chap has 2 jobs and gets in at 9pm.

For sure he needs to do some things, but GF needs to buck her ideas up.

OP. make a rota. Lock the kitchen. Tell them to leave. Then see what happens.

Set strong expectations and if they don't meet those within a timeframe of say 3 months then tell them they'll need to move out. That threshold would give him enough time to save a deposit and rent for 1st month. Make sure there is an end date

You need to sit together and come up with a plan. You need to tell them your concerns and you need a plan where they take steps to make themselves independent. You are enabling them and making it comfortable for them which is why they are not acting like they have a child. I would also not be making the plan for them. I would expect them to step up and start acting like parents and if they are not willing to do that then more drastic steps would be required. Her family didn’t stop and think before kicking her out, did they? They probably had the same concerns that you are having now.

The thing to remember is that you are not the one responsible for your grandson. They are his parents, not you. Whatever they are doing (or not doing) for him, it’s all on them. If you kick them out, the guilt should not lie with you, it should be their burden to bear as they are not acting in a responsible way towards their child.