AIBU FOR WANTING HER OUT?

[JanetHenry98]

My DS is 24 and last year him and his girlfriend had a child (my grandson). Originally his girlfriend was living with her family and my grandson, and my DS still lived at home with me. However, after his girlfriend had a row with her family, she has moved in with us. At first i was happy for her to come, as she had no where else to go, but now i’m getting frustrated. She doesn’t help out around the house, and does not put the effort into taking care of my grandson, instead expecting us to do everything!!!! She is on the phone to her friends all day, being loud in the kitchen where none of us can get in there to cook!! AIBU or is it right that i want her to leave?

Agree, there are lots of online calculators to find out what you’re entitled to. If he’d qualify for a mortgage, but the deposit’s a problem, they could also look into shared ownership as a starter home.

Not necessarily. Plenty of hospital porters, security, ward clerks etc work 12 hour shifts on barely more than minimum wage.
I think OPs son is getting a hard time on here. He's working (more than) full time and she's a SAHM with her MIL on hand 24/7 to help with the childcare and do the bulk of the housework. But he's still supposed to be doing housework at 7am before going out to work? The girlfriend needs to pull her finger out, parent her child, and/or get a job so she can help to put a roof over her child's head.

However, after his girlfriend had a row with her family, she has moved in with us. At first i was happy for her to come, as she had no where else to go, but now i’m getting frustrated. She doesn’t help out around the house, and does not put the effort into taking care of my grandson, instead expecting us to do everything!!!! She is on the phone to her friends all day, being loud in the kitchen where none of us can get in there to cook!! AIBU or is it right that i want her to leave?

Can't believe you let it get to this point, but what's done is done.

You need to take care back of your own home. It's your fucking house and your fucking kitchen! Where is your son in all this?

Tell them to get to social services as you cannot accommodate them any more.
You will get burned out from this.

Wishing you much strength.

It wasn't clear!

That was my thought! Even if he’s earning minimum wage and working minimum 40 hours per week he’d earn around £1600 a month after deductions plus child benefit of £100 a month plus whatever UC they are eligible for so could be close to £2k a month.

If they’re not contributing to household costs and if OP is providing most of the food, they’d have at least £1.5k left after nappies and baby milk etc.

These are 24 year olds (assuming the gf is a similar age) not teenagers.

Depending in the age of the baby, she should be able to work at least part time and get some of the cost of childcare covered by UC.

They’d be unlikely to secure a rented property without a guarantor if they’ve never rented before which would probably have to be the OP, and she doesn’t want to get into that shitshow if they’re not even willing to contribute to the costs of living with her, so her only option is to make them homeless and send them to the council otherwise this will just run and run as the gf doesn’t sound like she’s going to make much effort into going back to work if she can’t be bothered to be responsible for her own child.

Sadly it looks like your DS has made a rod for his own back if he’s working all the hours he can and she’s not even looking after their DC but he has to work it out for himself OP. You can still offer support but from a distance.

You certainly doesn’t need to put up with this woman taking over your home, using you as childcare while she sits on her arse and taking advantage of your kindness. She won’t suddenly change if they keep on living with you, and that type of cheeky fucker person will probably not take kindly to being told what’s what. Any decent person would be grateful to have someone putting a roof over their head for free and would be going out of their way to do their bit and cause the least disruption as possible for that hospitality.

This woman has you stitched up OP, she knows the baby gives her leverage over you & she is using it to it's fullest extent.

I fear the OP is making excuses for her son because she doesn’t mind him not contributing, but has an issue with the girlfriend.

Somehow you neglected to mention the obvious: Have you discussed this with her, have you discussed it with your son, have you requested for her to do specific things, have you asked her to move to let you in the kitchen, have you just declined to go along with her expectations, have you given her an ultimatum? It's impossible to tell if you're just being a doormat.

Well he’s her child the girlfriend isn’t. The OP’s relationship with her is in no way equal! The gf is only living in the OP’s house and living off her because of her relationship with the OP’s DS.

Why is the OP responsible for housing, financially supporting and cleaning up after this woman just because her DS got her pregnant? It was her choice alone as to whether or not to continue with the pregnancy. Nothing to do with the OP.

I don’t disagree with you, but her son is equally responsible. If he didn’t want a child, he should have kept it in his pants, or worn a condom!

I had my child at 21 and I was absolutely broke but also determined to live in my own (tiny) place independently with dc dad. This was 6 years ago and I only had £30 left per week for everything (food, baby stuff, transport, etc.). It was tough but I would still pick it again over having to live with a parent. I don’t understand people around my age like that as it’s just pure laziness. But then again, I also like my own space and whereas some people don’t seem bothered.

Is it the case that they truly couldn’t afford a 1 bed flat, or is it the case that they just can’t afford the lifestyle they want while living in one? I would be concerned that at 24 no efforts or savings are going towards an independent life while they are paying nothing living (sponging) off their parents. No wonder her own parents fell out with her.

The gf must think she's onto a cushy number. No rent to pay..no food to buy. Doesn't have to do any washing.
You've asked the question op but the answers are clear. Ask them to move out. Stop doing stuff for them. Stop looking after the baby.Go out..If you're not there she'll have to do stuff for herself Get them to clear up after themselves.

If she is not looking after her child she can get of her backside and get part time work Your son brought in his lazy mother of his child and you are waiting on themHe isworking she’s not and you are paying the bills and housework

Many adults or kids of any age will happily let other people act as unpaid staff. Often it's because they have become used to this in the past, e.g. my DD's Uni accommodations contained some lazy people who never cleaned or empty bins, and used other people's stuff all the time. The worst were generally from rich families abroad who had staff, and had never cooked or cleaned in their life before, and just assumed someone else would do it.

So that's problem 1 - the routine problem of getting the GF to step up. There will be plenty of tactics on this online, it's a standard problem. If they were a couple without a child, this would be simpler and easier, but of course you will be wanting to avoid losing contact with your GC, so it makes it tricky. I don't claim to be an expert, and I'd say it might be worth getting professional advice, even if it's from a charity, since this is a high-stakes negotiation really, whereas there are plenty of posters on here who are happy to offer advice on any issues to be confrontational and risk burning bridges and connections for the future. Maybe even relationship counselling, I really don't know what's best.

Problem 2 is the money. I would always assume that most grown up kids in their 20s and 30s with a job, when not asked to pay rent or bills, will find something else to spend the money on, typically cars, entertainment, holidays, gadgets or holidays. This is a bad thing, especially if it's a long-term commitment like a car on finance. Try to avoid this happening. My plan was to charge rent and board, and save it for our kids for use as a house deposit.
We have DD at home, but our stinginess has rubbed off on her, and she hardly spends a penny, and is building up savings fast herself, but I think that's pretty unusual.

Problem 3 is housing:
assuming the relationship lasts, which needs a separate discussion really, what is available in your area?
Where I live, there are some shared-ownership options, including 2 bed flats in a nice town in the north-west for £25k for 25% ownership, and then a rent of £494.13 pcm this includes the 75% payment to the housing association and also includes the service charge and Ground Rent. Your area might be more or less expensive, but worth looking at this and affordable housing on your local council website

You abd your husband need to sit them down abd explain it's not working for you and this us what needs to happen ...

1. They need to pay for all their own food and toiletries and something towards bills (£100 pm)
2. The kitchen needs to be available for you to use - you don't want to feel uncomfortable in yoyr own home.
3. Mother needs to have sole responsibility for her child when son is at work, unless you've agreed to specifically babysit.
4. They both need to share the chores (give them a list of what they've to do).
5. Discuss when they are likely to have saved enough to move out - establish a time frame (6 months?).

I think you just need to have a chat with your son, as calm and kind as possible, and get him to talk to her. You need some ground rules here.

I wouldn't be asking the mother of my grandchild to leave, and my grandchild, and giving my son that dilemma. But I totally sympathise because you have pretty much been invaded. I would actually be doing all I can to help them get their own place.

Hell's Bells ladies. The DS is doing all he can. He works a 13 hour day and helps with cleaning, but that is not enough for some of you.
Yes he should have made sure that the GF did not get preggy: but she did. Er and why did not she take some respomsibility too?? Female Contraceptves are available. Seems that she is the fly in the oinment. Lazy, immatiure and feckless.
GM should say OUR expenses are £X and your share is £Y. She should also say to the GF that she will be resposible for some chores.
If the youngsters object, show them where the door is and offer to pack their bags.
You have allowed them to take advantage of you. Either stop that or live with it and get frustrated. You have the power.

What is he spending all his money on?
He has 2 jobs and is living rent free!

Plus entitlement to child benefit and universal credit if he's on a low income