AIBU FOR WANTING HER OUT?

[JanetHenry98]

My DS is 24 and last year him and his girlfriend had a child (my grandson). Originally his girlfriend was living with her family and my grandson, and my DS still lived at home with me. However, after his girlfriend had a row with her family, she has moved in with us. At first i was happy for her to come, as she had no where else to go, but now i’m getting frustrated. She doesn’t help out around the house, and does not put the effort into taking care of my grandson, instead expecting us to do everything!!!! She is on the phone to her friends all day, being loud in the kitchen where none of us can get in there to cook!! AIBU or is it right that i want her to leave?

they can declare themselves homeless if you ask them to leave. No one in this country should be unable to live when working and claiming benefits.

you sound a caring mother and grandmother who has got to the end of her rope. You’ve been plugging the gaps for them.

Tell your ds gf that she is now responsible for her child, stop stepping in for her, her child her responsibility.

draw up a cleaning and cooking rota for everyone, he also needs to contribute towards the home financially.

if they don’t like it they move out. It really is pretty simple

You should charge them rent anyway. (You can always save the rent money and give it back to your son as a lump sum one day).They’re costing you money and they need to get used to real life expenses - ie a large chunk of money going out every month on rent/mortgage and household bills. If your son is working so much and they’re not paying rent then where the hell is all his money going? Nappies and baby clothes don’t cost a full time wage!

You definitely need to sit down and have a conversation about expectations from everyone who lives in the house - looking after their own child, cleaning up after themselves and being respectful of when others need to use communal spaces such as the kitchen.

Gf needs to get a job, they need to find childcare.
Tell them you are happy helping out with some childcare but no longer want them in your house.
They will probably be entitled to benefits.. A one bed flat will do them for now.

Where is his money going then? Even with an hour commute each way, 9am to 8pm (hour for lunch) is 10 paid hours a day.

He works from 8am-9pm every weekday and doesn’t pay rent, why do you think he can’t afford to move out?

Why not - working those hours if he is on minimum wage he is earning £2500 a month - then their is child benefit on top. Are you feeding them all as well as not collecting any money for rent and bills?

This is the key point. You can’t go from inviting her to stay to wanting them all out without measures taken in between.
You need a family meeting to talk things through, say what is and isn’t working for everyone, and get some boundaries put in.

If you try all that and it still doesn’t work, then you can justifiably ask them to leave, no questions asked.

How old is the baby? What do they do at weekends? Can they clean the house top to bottom for you whilst you take GS out for a walk for a couple of hours?

It’s time for a come to Jesus style, yet gentle and supportive, family meeting.

I've worked with lots of younger parents and I always suggest starting with validating how pleased you were to help short term and be there for all three of them (this is strategic to not alienate GF).

Then I’d talk about wanting to support them with longer term planning:

• has GF got a job and how could you help support her in her search?
• what childcare will be needed for grandchild. Can you help with that, do they have name down at nursery have they looked into what benefits would make nursery very low cost to them?
• have they applied for all benefits they are entitled to?
• What the cost of a 1-2 bedroom place? Baby is young, they could start with a one bedroom.

I would try to make this seem as support, not confrontation. I say this because sometimes when confronted they react with leaving with grandchild and cutting ties or breaking up with boyfriend, which clearly you don’t want but also wouldn’t be in the best interest of your grandchild if dad is gone 13 hrs a day and Mum is only on the phone.

I’d try hard to validate at the end of the conversation again how pleased you are to help, how proud of them you are and that this is an exciting time for them with building a family and a family life.

Yet apparently not contributing at all?

If your DS is out working from 8am until 9pm there's not much he can do during those hours in your home.

I'd have a word with both, he GF definitely needs to hear it from you, there's no reason she can't get a job even if it's weekends to take some of the financial pressure off of your DS, laziness isn't a disability.

If she's spending most of her time neglecting her own DC while you're there to see it happening do you think that she'll bother with them at all when she's not living there, sounds like her friends are more important to her.

Don't be bullied into letting them stay but be prepared for her to use the DG as a bargaining tool...

They either need to all live out, or none of them. You suggesting she move out alone is ridiculous and damaging to all involved.

They need to find a place of their own really for everyone’s sakes. If that’s really not possible, you need to take a big step back - difficult with them in your house; and leave them to it as much as you can, and whilst doing so, help them make a financial plan so that in say, 6 months, they can move out.

I suspect they would be able to access all sorts of benefits to top up their income if they did not have a home with you including housing element of UC etc. Have they (or you) actually used the calculator to see what they would receive? I suspect it isn't really as out of reach as you may think. There is another thread at moment about income and what benefits people get and I was really surprised at what some people were getting on fairly high salaries.

Why did they decide to keep the baby when tvey have nowhere to live and can’t support themselves? What were they planning on doing? What was your own plan?

How old is GS? Can mum not work part time ? Between two wages and UC top up would they not manage? I think you have to give them an eviction notice for the council to help them.

I understand how you feel but the girl should do a few things around the place and not expect you to do it all. It's not unreasonable for you to suggest that. That could be why she fell out with her parents.

If you and your husband can afford it, could you find a place for them to rent, pay the deposit and a couple of months rent? In your position I would do that, it would give them a start. Not far away so you can still see them often and lend a hand where needed. They are now grown up people albeit a bit young still by most standards.

It is still early days and in another year they will both be more mature and better at parenthood but they won't get there easily if they're being too well looked after at your place.

He's not a performing seal. He works two jobs from 8am til 9pm, cleans and looks after the baby. Why should he be doing tasks before he goes to work as well while his girlfriend sits on her backside doing nothing all day? She's not even tending the baby properly. She's leaving OP to see yo the baby while she's on her phone all day. His girlfriend needs to be the one doing tasks.

You need a really serious talk with the two of them and you need to stand up for yourself and say exactly what you want and need for them. If this feels hard, you could practice with a friend saying whatever you need to say. For example, the conversation might go something like:
We need to talk. I'm not happy with the way things are. I am having to earn extra money for a family of three to live on, as well as doing all the housework involved and a lot of childcare, and it's not fair on me.
OK, you don't see the situation the same way as me, but this is how I see it, and I'm not happy. We need to agree a date on which you will move into your own home, and you need to get on with finding somewhere and financing it. There are benefits you can claim if you can't earn enough between you. I'll always be happy to look after DGS sometimes and to invite you all over for meals, but not to have you living here.
OK, you don't want to move out and can't see how you could possible afford it. Well, if you really want to stay here longer, then there certain things I need you to do. These include (name the household tasks), looking after DGS unless we've specifically agreed to do it, and contributing £n a week towards your food and utilities.
You say you can't afford to contribute that much? Then how do you ever see your independent adult lives getting going? I don't want to treat the two of you like children. You have a child of your own nowadays and it's your responsibility to care for them.

And so on.
If you can practice with a friend first, it should help speak with more confidence. But you nee to believe it completely. You've convinced me!

So who is doing the household activities? If you are doing it all in your sons absence then you need to have a serious chat with the GF - her child, her responsibility and the least she could do is knuckle down and do some chores FFS.
Do stop being a doormat to this girl, the longer you do it all the longer she will let you.

Exactly this.
Some mumsnetters can't wait to jump in and make everything the man's fault. The gf sounds like a right lazy mare and should be doing a lot more around the house.
Either way, it is up to OP to decide if she kicks them out into the real world (recommend) or has a sit down talk about rent and household chores and telling them they have three months to prove they are capable of living like adults!

I’d play it a different way OP. I’d see if I can afford to help them out with a deposit for a rental. I’d also challenge your sons second job and suggest she takes a part time job for those hours instead so she can get a bit more of a life back/contribute and he does the childcare when he gets back from Job 1.

When you say she does not put effort into taking care of my GS, I really hope you're not doing nappy changes, feeding and bedtime, that would be ridiculous as she's at home all day so has to look after her own child.

Your son leaves at 8am every day (when baby wakes) and returns at 9pm (baby is asleep). He barely sees his GF who is at home with you and doesn’t see his baby at all during the week. He’s working two jobs, contributes nothing to the household but can’t afford to move out?

Yes, obviously address the fact that the GF needs to do more in the house but if you are being honest about your son then there is zero reason he can’t afford to move out. Where has his money all been going?

I’m also in the ‘wow some people hate men so much they can twist literally any situation to be the man’s fault’ camp. Honestly bizarre!

@JanetHenry98 I really echo those posters who say you do need to charge rent. Ideally part utilities and everything else they will need to pay when they live on their own.

Currently this doesn’t make sense as your son is working a huge number of hours and yet they apparently have no money. There are lots of renting single parents on this site who have all the same baby costs but also rent.

1. they both spend the earnt money on ‘stuff’
2. he is actually building up decent savings
3. his hourly wage is so low that then working 11 hours a day is just pointless and he needs help finding something more suitable

given minimum wage as someone above calculated, the last one seems very unlikely.

You’re not really do them any favours long term as their current life is completely unrealistic. I also despair of people having kids they can’t afford and aren’t set up to support but heh, that’s often an unpopular view

I'm wondering the same.