AIBU FOR WANTING HER OUT?

[JanetHenry98]

My DS is 24 and last year him and his girlfriend had a child (my grandson). Originally his girlfriend was living with her family and my grandson, and my DS still lived at home with me. However, after his girlfriend had a row with her family, she has moved in with us. At first i was happy for her to come, as she had no where else to go, but now i’m getting frustrated. She doesn’t help out around the house, and does not put the effort into taking care of my grandson, instead expecting us to do everything!!!! She is on the phone to her friends all day, being loud in the kitchen where none of us can get in there to cook!! AIBU or is it right that i want her to leave?

I don't think it's hard to work out what the GF and her DM argued about, her own DM was tired of her daughter's lazy ways. Time to toughen up Op or this will go on for years

Not at all - unless the OP is lying about the situation, or parts of it, then her son is working 2 jobs, out all day, and not contributing at all.

His GF is lazy, and equally to blame, but she needs to have that conversation with both of them. In fact, all three of them sounds utterly useless in different ways.

Blimey, the poor-men brigade are out in force today.

He should doing tasks in the morning, really? Sounds like works alot, till 9pm at times, he needs to get lazy girlfriend off the phone, hold a little meeting, put it across like you want everyone to get along, and discuss your expectations.

Good luck with that. He sounds completely in the GF thrall.

Fuck, the anti-man brigade are out in full force today! He's doing two jobs, working 13 hours a day, the gf is sitting on her lazy arse massively taking the piss yet the lad is getting all the stick on here!
This is ridiculous, even by MN's admittedly low standards...

I'm just wondering if your standards are any higher though? You seem to be implying that because a man goes out to work then that is enough and it's job done when it comes to his family. He is not contributing financially, he has moved in his lazy girlfriend and his baby and has dumped them on his mother. He is not looking after his young family, not contributing to his parents' household and has left his mother to deal with the fallout. But because this man child has a job (or two), let's absolve him of any other responsibilities and let's leave his MOTHER to deal with everything else. Yeah, that's a much higher standard for a man...

Why do people do this? Focus on the man who is obviously working hard and not on the problem - the lazy young mother.

Because the lazy young mother is the guy's responsibility? Not his mother's.

Absolutely!
My late husband and I got on famously with our daughter and her lovely husband. One day, they sold their house, had a moving date etc. and then the house they were moving to fell through. As we had a big house, with an extra en-suite bedroom, it was great that we were able to help them out by inviting them to stay with us until they found another house.
Because of our good relationship, I didn’t want anything to spoil it, and when my daughter insisted on paying rent, I initially refused. We didn’t need the money and we wanted them to put it towards their new house. She was having none of it and came up with a great compromise. She knows I hate cooking so she offered to shop and cook three times a week, as much as her shifts allowed. It worked brilliantly!
The only thing I insisted on was that they were responsible for their living/sleeping area, as I felt it was private to them and I wouldn’t be going in there to clean or anything. I also needed a clear idea of who would need feeding and when. At the time, the two of them were on shifts, as was I. Because he had retired, my Iovely husband offered to completely take over the running of the house. He already pulled his weight but his plan was to be the ‘housewife’ and he sorted out food etc. as well. He did this so well that he put me to shame! I don’t know how he did it, especially as he had actually taken early retirement mainly to spend more time on hobbies. Oops!
Because of the three of us being on different shifts, he was forever having to creep around as there was always at least one of us in bed for a large part of the day! The house certainly wasn’t his own for months but he never complained and took it all in his stride, even though his plans for retirement had to be put on hold.
They don’t make them like that any more!
We were married for 54 years. I think it’s obvious why! I was a lucky lady!

You need to sit them down and set out your expectations. If the mother is on maternity leave, you expect her to care for your grandson - this means feeding, changing, baby classes, walks in the pram. If she’s not on maternity leave, you expect her to be working and the baby in childcare. Similarly, you acknowledge that your son works but at weekends/days off, you expect him to be parenting.

You are housing them, what you are not is the baby’s parent. Have a baby, expect to parent it. Let them know that the childcare you will do is occasional if you want that. Help them set a rota if that would help.

There are plenty of young parents out there without the good fortune to live in a house rent free.

Where is all his money going?
You need to sit them BOTH down. He needs to start saving for a deposit for a flat, they will be entitled to UC top up and child benefit. In the meantime his girlfriend needs to step up and be a mother. Any babysitting will be planned and not just assumed. This includes feeding him, washing and cleaning as she goes.

If they are acting like children, treat them like children, give them jobs, especially the GF.

GF the sitting room needs hoovering and dusting this morning, can you do it straight away thanks.
GF before you do GS dinner can you please give the shelves in the fridge a spay and wipe.
GF I’ve got things on today your going to have to make sure all the bins are emptied and cleaned by the time I’m home.
GF your child needs taking for a walk, nappy changing.

Any push back, you clearly say this is our house, they live here rent free, we are happy to let you stay but you need to pull your weight or find somewhere to go.

Given she’s fallen out with her family and they can’t afford to move out they will have to suck it up. Any attitude you tell them to grow up and don’t speak to you like that.

Right now your GS is a silent weapon being used against you. You need to stop worrying about him unless they do leave then you can worry and you will get lots of advice on here if it ever comes to that.

Move your low bar. Even working, he should be doing some basic house tasks and childcare. They can't move out with the GF doing everything for the baby and the home, he needs to up his game as an adult. The GF needs to do a lot more too, but OP doesn't seem to have had a serious chat to find out if the DS plans to stay with her, which has to happen before any discussion about her responsibilities. If they plan to stay together, they should do that in their own home not OP's!

I think this convo you're planning needs to include your son's gf. You're going to have to make it clear she is to parent her child while your son is working, not you or your husband. And tell her to step out if she's in the way of cooking or meal prep. Yes, she should have chores just like anyone living in your home.

He's working 2 jobs and he should have plenty saved, even with a new baby. They should be paying rent. You are supporting 2 adults and their baby with rent and food and child care.

She's found a really comfy place to land and she's using you for childcare. You've enabled her. That should stop now. How old is she?

Give them a time frame. Pay x in rent, do all childcare and a few chores or out.

You tell your son that she has to pull her weight in the house as far housework and laundry and your not out for hiring as a baby sitter and she can’t just sit in your house all day doing nothing. You’re not her mother and maybe she should go home. This isn’t working out and you thought she’d be more respectful of your generosity but apparently she isn’t so she’s got to go home. Them leave every day early so she can’t pretend she’s not up. What a lazy git. I’d have lost it.

And when he works over his hours doesn’t he get overtime pay. He should be bringing in plenty extra just on that.

As a grandma many times over I can well understand how right now you are in a horrible situation. Of course what happens next will have to be in the best interest of the wee boy and for anyone to suggest otherwise is ridiculous.

Can you talk to her and tell her you really need help with the household with the added people in the house and you’d really appreciate if she did more to keep the house running smoothly with you. Try to have her work with you. I don’t know how old they are though and sometimes talking to early 20s people is still like talking to.teenagers. I feel bad. I don’t know what else to suggest..

No she isn't. She is her own responsibility as a grown woman. So OP should be having words with her and stop looking after the baby for starters.

He’s the one who moved her in, isn’t he? She’s his partner and the mother his child. He should be dealing with her.

Oh for goodness sake.

I had my first child just a couple of weeks after my 23rd birthday.
I worked full time up until the day I had them and went back to work full time 6 months later.
I ran a house (with some help from my now husband!) The house was kept immaculate, everyone had clean clothes and home cooked meals.
I had my second child by c section when I was 26, I did the weekly shop 2 days after I had my child, the house remained immaculate, everyone fed and clean clothes etc.
People in their early-mid twenties are more than capable of parenting properly. Unfortunately some people are just too lazy to bother.

If you can’t kick them out then I suggest you pick up the child, bring it to her and say “I believe this is yours. Get off the fucking phone and be a parent.”

The OP would be very wise to totally pull back from being involved here.

If the girlfriend is so lazy and entitled, she may well try and weaponise her grandson.

Far better to pull back and make it crystal clear that will not be happening.

The OP will be gladt hat she protected her house and heart if she holds back

Why would you suggest this

Out now....

I wonder how old your son's girlfriend is - is she much younger than him? The letting you do everything may come from not feeling able to challenge you.

If living together is intolerable then it can't carry on. If it's not at that level, there's room for discussion about a fair division of housework / cooking / childcare.

Your son's girlfriend may need help to meet other people with small children/ to get out of the house for low cost active/ to see her GP / HV re PPD. If she's relatively young she may need help to go back to college for a levels / similar. Evening study eg. Open University may suit if she's ready for that level of study.