Should DH add me on the mortgage?

[Rorymyers]

I'm not sure if this is being posted under the right section but I need advice please.

I got married in Jan 2023 and moved to (big) city where DH lives.

Prior to that I lived in a smaller city. Had a decent job. No debts apart from a small bal CC being paid off monthly. I could save etc.

I had to quit my job for the move as my employer was a small local company.

The plan was to get a job asap before starting a family. Well we got pregnant with DC pretty quickly after..
DC is now 1.5 yo and attends daycare part time. I'm mainly responsible for all DC care and cooking, housekeeping etc as expected.

I don't get any reward for this and DH believes it's my responsibility as it's my 'contribution' to our home. He says if I need more money I need to find paid employment.

I resumed job hunting once DC started daycare. No luck yet.

We never discussed joint accounts etc as I thought the conversation would happen naturally. But currently I am not listed on any of our household documents, not on the mortgage or any bills. DH manages everything. He said there's really no need as he's happy to pay without my help.

We have no joint accounts. I do not know what DH saves or invests. I do not know his earnings etc he would give me a ballpark if I ask. He is in a specialist private sector and I am certain he earns a decent wage.

Is it possible that DH hides these things intentionally so I don't know how much money we have?

DH doesn't believe I should have any expenses apart from food and shelter. He believes doing things like getting my hair done is an unnecessary expense until I can afford to pay myself.

I now use my little savings to pay my CC monthly or to do things for myself. He says thr debt is mine . I'm not a reckless spender. I cann't even afford coffee dates with friends.

I really would like to go back to work as I do enjoy being financially independent and doing things for myself.

Having DC changed me and I completely lost confidence in myself and didn't think I was good enough to find a job. i'm just coming out of that and upskilling but DH somehow believes it's my fault for not finding a job.

I think DH sees me as a financial liability and I wonder if he is 'protecting' his assets so he has control over everything as the sole breadwinner.

I guess I need some advice or opinion on how to make this situation more fair but I don't know how.

YANBU: to request for DH to put me on the mortgage atleast.
And if so what difference will that make if I can't even contribute?.

YABU: DH doesn't need to put you on any documents.

We are legally married (for context regarding any advice). Anyone with any advise or in a similar situation? What's working for you currently?

Thanks for reading!!!

Why have you married someone and had children with them without discussing any of this beforehand? You don't sound like you are partners at all.

How long did you know him before you got married? How do you not know anything and WHY did you agree to marry him when you have very little financial knowledge etc?

It is possibly a bit late but you should sit down and have a frank and open discussion about family finances.

I can’t see how being on the mortgage would benefit you, and frankly, you have much bigger problems than that.

There's no point looking at what you should have done before marriage if you're married now.

Going "on the mortgage" only gives you a liability. It doesn't offer you security. The fact that you're married means half of everything is yours.

I wouldn't put myself onto a liability and I'm not sure a bank would add you if you're not earning.

Your bigger issue is.. is this the life you want? With a man who treats you this way? Of course you should have a joint account or access to shared money. My dad in the 80s paid my stay at home mum a "housekeeping" wage which was hers to do with whatever she wanted in recompense for being a stay at home mum.

Are you happy in other ways because this is a huge red flag.

You need to get a job and get on the mortgage

If he doesn't put you on the mortgage, get a job and then leave him

He's fleecing you, big time.

Can’t get your hair cut unless you get a job? What I’m reading is almost medieval

Its sounds like you are being financially abused
If you did get a job would your H do more of the house/child jobs? I doubt it
As for the mortgage the house (and possibly more) is a marital asset so thats not too much of a worry

You are married so it doesnt make a massive difference if you are on the mortgage, you have rights any way.

Nonetheless you've got about 5 red flags here. It just sounds like you've not communicated at all about life plans e.g. did he want a child then? It doesn't sound like he wants to support a sahm. Why is your DC in childcare if you aren't at work? Who pays for it?

He sounds abusive re thinking you need no money except food & shelter.

If you have any savings you need to find yourself a solicitor and start divorce proceedings.

Your husband (he's certainly not a 'dear' one, is treating you as a lodger who provides sex, childcare and housework instead of an equal partner.

You made assumptions that he would change and incorporate you into his life as an equal partner. He hasn't and won't.

So you need to leave and start a new life with your child, being your own financially secure person. You will never be one if you stay with that man.

Please tell me.

He is financially abusing you and this is not how healthy marriages work. You need to find a job and then look to leave.

You talk about daycare - if you're in America, they will have their own rules regarding marriage etc.

Savings are all I have. Surely I need to have an income first

@Mooselooseinmyhoose

Going "on the mortgage" only gives you a liability. It doesn't offer you security. The fact that you're married means half of everything is yours.

Saved me typing it. THIS! ^ You are entitled to half of everything anyway @Rorymyers even if you are not 'on the mortgage.'

That said, you don't sound like a very close and solid couple sorry..... I can't imagine living in an 'owned' home with my husband/the father of my children, with his name on the deeds of the house, and not mine. Why is the house only in his name?

Odd. I hope you're OK.

You’ve married a sexist pig, for one.

Yeah - you need to get a job - and make sure you dont pick up all the child care or the housework

You’re in an abusive relationship.

Is there someone you can talk to in real life?

I'm OK. I didn't think it was a big deal to be listed on any documents . And especially as we are legally married in the uk and being a homemaker gives me same rights as the mortgage payer.

But I need to know if i'm OK to allow it or to pis. Thanks for reading

We are In England

You have allowed yourself to become dependent and vulnerable to this self centred man who shows no indication that he has any regard or affection for you. So now you need to get a job, seek legal advice, connect to your own RL support from your friends and family and work out a plan to get back your independent life. Take back control. Then look at how and why you allowed this situation to come about, so that you can avoid it happening again.

Thank you I am trying to.

Please advise

You say elsewhere you would “never work a day in your life if you could”, so maybe he thinks you’re taking advantage of him.

I can't understand personally why PPs are saying that you shouldn't be named on the mortgage. You should also be named on the title deeds as co-owner of the house.

This sounds a terrible set-up financially. Not even allowed money for a haircut? That's financial abuse.