Should DH add me on the mortgage?

[Rorymyers]

I'm not sure if this is being posted under the right section but I need advice please.

I got married in Jan 2023 and moved to (big) city where DH lives.

Prior to that I lived in a smaller city. Had a decent job. No debts apart from a small bal CC being paid off monthly. I could save etc.

I had to quit my job for the move as my employer was a small local company.

The plan was to get a job asap before starting a family. Well we got pregnant with DC pretty quickly after..
DC is now 1.5 yo and attends daycare part time. I'm mainly responsible for all DC care and cooking, housekeeping etc as expected.

I don't get any reward for this and DH believes it's my responsibility as it's my 'contribution' to our home. He says if I need more money I need to find paid employment.

I resumed job hunting once DC started daycare. No luck yet.

We never discussed joint accounts etc as I thought the conversation would happen naturally. But currently I am not listed on any of our household documents, not on the mortgage or any bills. DH manages everything. He said there's really no need as he's happy to pay without my help.

We have no joint accounts. I do not know what DH saves or invests. I do not know his earnings etc he would give me a ballpark if I ask. He is in a specialist private sector and I am certain he earns a decent wage.

Is it possible that DH hides these things intentionally so I don't know how much money we have?

DH doesn't believe I should have any expenses apart from food and shelter. He believes doing things like getting my hair done is an unnecessary expense until I can afford to pay myself.

I now use my little savings to pay my CC monthly or to do things for myself. He says thr debt is mine . I'm not a reckless spender. I cann't even afford coffee dates with friends.

I really would like to go back to work as I do enjoy being financially independent and doing things for myself.

Having DC changed me and I completely lost confidence in myself and didn't think I was good enough to find a job. i'm just coming out of that and upskilling but DH somehow believes it's my fault for not finding a job.

I think DH sees me as a financial liability and I wonder if he is 'protecting' his assets so he has control over everything as the sole breadwinner.

I guess I need some advice or opinion on how to make this situation more fair but I don't know how.

YANBU: to request for DH to put me on the mortgage atleast.
And if so what difference will that make if I can't even contribute?.

YABU: DH doesn't need to put you on any documents.

We are legally married (for context regarding any advice). Anyone with any advise or in a similar situation? What's working for you currently?

Thanks for reading!!!

Assuming this is the uk being added to the deeds / mortgage will make no difference to your rights, and would probably be very difficult if you have no income. He is financially abusing you, you need to work out an exit plan. The best option really would be to take advantage of having your rent, bills and childcare paid and find a job so that you can be independent again. Then leave, you’ll almost certainly be better off with child maintenance than you are now.

Whatever he thinks, half the assets are yours. He has no value for you or what you do, certainly doesn't love you. He's a grade 1 prick.

As soon as you get a job, if you intend to stay with this bellend, you need to sit down and cut each set of household and childcare tasks in half, at the moment he is an absolute freeloader getting all your labour for such tiny contribution.

Are you a person?

Errr, the fact you’ve said you have no financial independence, that your DH hides his earnings from you, that he thinks you shouldn’t be allowed to have any money to spend on yourself and your needs are no higher than “food and shelter”, that he describes you as a financial liability…. you know - basically your whole post.

You’ve essentially described him as financially abusive, seeing you as some kind of oppressed household slave, but you think your only issue is whether you’re on the mortgage?!

If you’re married the house is half yours anyway. Being on the mortgage or not literally makes not one jot of difference. It just means the bank can come after both of you for the debt.

https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/how-we-can-help-you/economic-abuse/

Have a look at this and see if any of it rings a bell...not all of it probably. But the not having money for a hair cut just sounds well...not right.

About what? You were asked a question

You’ve only been married 2 years which is a short marriage and may not result in a 50/50 asset split in divorce, especially if the assets were obtained prior to the marriage.

OP, your ‘D’H is being financially abusive, you gave up work to parent your shared child, he knew that as a result you would have no income and the only money would be what he earned, you are entirely reliant on his salary and if he had a problem with sharing that then he should have made it clear before you left employment, although you should also have made sure that an agreement on splitting of finances was in place.

so now you are where you are, I personally couldn’t stay married to someone who was financially abusive, but if you can then you need a firm agreement with him this. If he is not willing to support you and ensure that you both have equal spending money then you need to get a job and you need to split money in a structured was so you both fully understand who pays for what and you end up with equal spends.

Is he abusive in other ways or just financially?

Although, being married, you may be entitled to half the house if you split up, not being named on the deeds makes it easier for your DH to sell it or take out a second mortgage on it without your knowledge, if he is so minded.

Your husband is being financially controlling, which is actually a criminal offence now!
if you left him, you’d be entitled to at least half the equity in the house, half of all savings, half of any pension he has. Plus you’d be entitled to child maintenance.

Don't worry about being on the mortgage, as his wife and especially having a child with him you'll be entitled to a share of the house and his pension.

Firstly, and most importantly, start claiming child benefit NOW so you get years towards your state pension. Tell him if he earns over £60K he'll need to declare it on his self assessment but it's really important you get credit for the years you're not working so you don't end up in poverty in old age.

Secondly, tell him you want him to start paying into a pension for you, since you're not earning he can put £2,880 in per year. There are tax benefits if he does this so if he doesn't that will tell you all you need to know about how financially abusive he is.

Thirdly, start looking for a full time job in earnest, ideally you want to be completely financially independent of him. You had a good job before, you will be able to find one again x. You should start investigating childcare options as well. If your DH doesn't want to pay for childcare remind him he effectively gets a tax rebate (this will help you gauge his income, on a very high salary he won't be eligible for tax free childcare but you should apply anyway and get him to provide any evidence if he's not eligible).

Fourthly, if he doesn't buck up his ideas and start providing gor you adequately then you need to divorce him for financial abuse. Hopefully when you start talking about it with him he'll come to his senses but if he doesn't you need independence and a court to decide how much he has to give you.

Not giving you any access to family money is financial abuse. Its really not normal for one party to the marriage to have a decent amount of the disposable income and the other to have nothing above food and shelter. Really not OK. Adding you to the mortgage just means the debt is yours, which won't help.

Is he willing to pay for childcare and do half of pick ups drop offs sick days etc to support you getting a job? As getting a kid settled into childcare whilst you settle into work is tricky, lots of nursery bugs etc

The job is the key thing. You have zero leverage at present.

I'm going to go slightly against the grain here, if the agreement was that you'd get a new job and haven't, he's probably annoyed about that.

Having said that, the lack of transparency around finances is not good.

You need to talk to him properly. What does your expected take home pay look like compared to his? Let's say you start working again, same salary as him, same hours.

At that point, you'd both need to be paying 50% and doing 50% as a starting point.

Talk to him! You're married, you should be transparent with each other.

You don't need joint accounts, but you absolutely need to be named on the deeds of the house. Otherwise you'd have nothing if your husband chucked you out.
And if you're not earning, he needs to transfer you an agreed - & significant - amount of money every month.
Plus, make sure you are claiming any relevant benefits.

Personally, I'd be looking for a job ASAP.

Give Women’s Aid a call and seek some advice. You are being abused financially in your marriage.

You don't want to be on the mortgage and liable for payments. But you do want to be on the deeds so that he cannot make you homeless. He won't add you though.

I don't know how you have got yourself into this position of being completely reliant on someone else financially.

The good news is that you're married, so you have rights.

The bad news is that you're being financially abused.

You'd be better off getting divorced.

Thanks. What sort of discussion?

I probably didn't stress this enough but yes i'm looking for a job ASAP. Thank you

OP how certain are you that you are legally married? The whole thing just sounds odd, why would you marry someone without having some of these discussions. If you aren't on any paperwork, how much did you involve yourself with the legal aspects of wedding arrangements? Being a 'homemaker' is a very vulnerable position to be in and I'm concerned you sound quite naive to have got to the point of marriage and having a child with a man without having had these more serious discussions. How certain are you that you are legally married? Did you go and give notice of your intention to marry etc at the register office?

Husband sounds controling . And loads more .
Financial abuse ?
Have you lost yourself since getting with him rather then having your child.

If you worked would everything still fall to you ?
Dies he ever cook clean it look after your child?

OP can you move back for support . Apply for jobs and take half what he is hiding in the divorce the twat.
He doesn’t sound like a nice man

I find it utterly mind blowing that people get married / have children before talking about money!!! My partner and I had a joint account prior to getting married to pay for stuff as he earns way more than me - we paid a proportionate amount for everything. For a holiday I’d at 25% and he’d paid 75%. After having kids when u wasn’t working and even now when I am part-time I just use the joint account to pay for what we / I need. It’s our money. We are family. He works more / earns more but I do more at home. It’s a partnership.

This is a highly abusive relationship

Sadly this .

Wow. Please ensure you have wills, as well, and complete transparency regarding anything financial. You need to sit down together regularly and discuss family finances.

how old are you? I’m very concerned that you don’t even know what you should be discussing with him. I mean this should have all been discussed prior to getting married and definitely before having kids!

How much does he earn? Why can’t you set up joint account so you can pay for stuff? Does he have a private pension, does he have shares / savings. What life insurance does he have.

When I wasn’t working and on maternity leave (I have 3 kids) my husband paid into private pension for me to ensure it continued to grow.