Should DH add me on the mortgage?

[Rorymyers]

I'm not sure if this is being posted under the right section but I need advice please.

I got married in Jan 2023 and moved to (big) city where DH lives.

Prior to that I lived in a smaller city. Had a decent job. No debts apart from a small bal CC being paid off monthly. I could save etc.

I had to quit my job for the move as my employer was a small local company.

The plan was to get a job asap before starting a family. Well we got pregnant with DC pretty quickly after..
DC is now 1.5 yo and attends daycare part time. I'm mainly responsible for all DC care and cooking, housekeeping etc as expected.

I don't get any reward for this and DH believes it's my responsibility as it's my 'contribution' to our home. He says if I need more money I need to find paid employment.

I resumed job hunting once DC started daycare. No luck yet.

We never discussed joint accounts etc as I thought the conversation would happen naturally. But currently I am not listed on any of our household documents, not on the mortgage or any bills. DH manages everything. He said there's really no need as he's happy to pay without my help.

We have no joint accounts. I do not know what DH saves or invests. I do not know his earnings etc he would give me a ballpark if I ask. He is in a specialist private sector and I am certain he earns a decent wage.

Is it possible that DH hides these things intentionally so I don't know how much money we have?

DH doesn't believe I should have any expenses apart from food and shelter. He believes doing things like getting my hair done is an unnecessary expense until I can afford to pay myself.

I now use my little savings to pay my CC monthly or to do things for myself. He says thr debt is mine . I'm not a reckless spender. I cann't even afford coffee dates with friends.

I really would like to go back to work as I do enjoy being financially independent and doing things for myself.

Having DC changed me and I completely lost confidence in myself and didn't think I was good enough to find a job. i'm just coming out of that and upskilling but DH somehow believes it's my fault for not finding a job.

I think DH sees me as a financial liability and I wonder if he is 'protecting' his assets so he has control over everything as the sole breadwinner.

I guess I need some advice or opinion on how to make this situation more fair but I don't know how.

YANBU: to request for DH to put me on the mortgage atleast.
And if so what difference will that make if I can't even contribute?.

YABU: DH doesn't need to put you on any documents.

We are legally married (for context regarding any advice). Anyone with any advise or in a similar situation? What's working for you currently?

Thanks for reading!!!

As others have said, you’re married so have rights anyhow.

But, as others have said quite rightly, this sounds like he’s hiding finances from you. It always surprises me that people are willing to combine their genes to produce a human, but aren’t willing to combine their bank accounts. If it were me, I’d be insisting that you combine finances as you’re married. If he refuses, that would be a deal breaker for me.

Going on the mortgage only makes you liable to pay, it doesn’t give you any security, and considering you don’t have an income you would be a dependent and reduce the borrowing capacity anyway

How much does he earn?
What are the household costs?
Savings, investments, assets, pensions, will?
If you get a job how many hours, how will household chores be divided, childcare, free time, who will cover sick days?
What are your future family plans, more kids, holidays, bigger house, different careers, how will these be financed?

It's the DEEDS of the house you need to be listed on. That is what denotes ownership of the house. The mortgage is just the debt, and opens you up to financial liability which at present you have no means to service.

You are married to a financially abusive arsehole. Contact Women's Aid with a view to making an exit plan.

The mortgage is a debt - so no need to be on the mortgage - however you should have a conversation about being on the deeds of the property.

You will also need a household bill with your name on it as proof of address, you new job will ask for it.

But I agree with others you need to be aware of what your finances are and he should be giving you money each week for a hair cut or new shoes as you provide a lot in the house.

Iw old also discuss what happens when you are back at work and how the household and childcare chores are to be split.

It’s possible you may not be able to go on the mortgage because you don’t have an income. What would you use to pay the mortgage every month if you aren’t earning?

That said, you (a) need to have a conversation about finances, and (b) need to think practically about your future and your financial security. It sounds like your Dh doesn’t really want to be carrying the full burden financially. Together, you need to sort out childcare and you need to consider how you’ll contribute. For some people, the arrangement you have works, sure. But personally, I wouldn’t expect my Dh to pay for me to get my hair done or go out with friends. If I wanted to do that, I’d make sure I made my own money and had my own independence.

Are you not understanding?

WHY didn't you discuss all this before marriage?
WHY can't you sit him down and ask for financial transparency now?

He is keeping you down - verging towards financial abuse as you have no access to money

Who gets the child benefit?

I haven’t read the full thread but just to correct a misconception.

you are are not entitled to “half the house” after a marriage of a few years.

After a marriage of a few years (a short marriage), both parties should leave with what they brought to the relationship. However you have a child so this with change matters.

When you quit work and move to a new city to live with a man in his house without a job it instantly created a power imbalance. I’m sorry to say he has played in your naiveties.

seek legal advice, get a jobs and divorce him.

He is financially abusing you. You are looking after your child and doing all the housework, cooking etc but you have no access to any personal money. Are you in the UK? If so, financial abuse is illegal here.

I would definitely try and find some part-time work.

You need to start taking some responsibility and do some research yourself. We can’t facilitate a discussion for you, you’re old enough to be married and have children and your answers here smack of ai bot

You have to lodge an interest in the property with land registry to prevent it being sold from under your feet, married or not. So yes it does make a difference being on the mortgage as then no need to register your interest.
You can also be kicked out on your ear and locks changed at any moment if you don’t own or have an official interest in the property.
Obviously you can go through the courts, but that’s tough, expensive, stressful and long.

op is being financially abused.

@Rorymyers - my guess is that you aren’t really happy otherwise you wouldn’t be posting. But think about it this way - you are providing free childcare, cleaning and admin work… I personally find it a bit bizarre that you don’t even know how much he earns? So whilst you are providing all this labour for free he’s obviously contributing towards his pension and all of that and what about uoh? What happens if you want a hair cut, a day out with the girls or new clothes? How do you pay for that?

Plus going on the mortgage/bills enables you to build a credit history & score. Very important these days. Yes no liability, but no stake either.

You cannot be kicked out of the marital home as you have “home rights” until a formal divorce - regardless of who wins it and who is on the deeds or who pays for it.

OP are you from a ''Western'' culture or from one where women don;t have many rights? You don't seem to have any idea of normal married living conditions/rights for women or what they should be . Where do you live?

You need to sit down with him and ask for transparency on his finances. You are meant to be a team on the same side.

Assuming he is a high earner as you seem to think, I would then explain that you are carrying the domestic load and looking for a job, and while you are doing that it is unfair (assuming he is also financially solvent) that as partners, you have no disposable income while he has lots. You are not expecting a huge amount but enough so that the disparity between you isn't huge. What sort of husband lets his wife go without basics (I think a haircut is basic)?

Who pays for things for DC?

This is not a marriage. This is financial abuse. You are supposed to be an equal partner. You should be aware of household finances, incoming and outgoing. Are you claiming child benefit? If not, you should be to ensure that your NI contributions are up to date. Is your husband paying into a SIPP for you? What happens when you go back to work? Who will be doing drop offs / pick up for nursery / school? Who is paying for childcare? Who stays at home when your child is ill?

Being on the mortgage or not is a red herring @Rorymyers. You have bigger issues to deal with.

Stopped reading at the “we” got pregnant

Thats what i'm confused about. Essentially saying me being added to the mortgage is of no benefit to me. Which I didn't think about before.

Because all being named on the mortgage means is that you also owe the bank that money. It gives you liability, if he doesn’t pay then they expect you to pay, it doesn’t give you any additional security.

Also, because you have no income you’re going to actually make it harder to get that mortgage because you are classed as a dependent of him.

You need a job OP, quickly.

Thank you. I would take your advice. Some pp already singing the D word but really that's not the solution to everything at all. I do need a job ASAP.

Financial abuse is a good enough reason to divorce someone.

He pays for everything including childcare. He does the drop off and I do pick ups.

If I went back to work then DC will go into full time nursery.
What is a SIPP AND Why should he pay into a SIPP? I didn't think I was entitled to his salary at all

We are not claiming any benefits as H our earns the threshold.

Absolutely

Well that wasn't the advice I came here looking for. There are ways to resolve with that being the last option. No? He also probably knows no better as I am otherwise comfortable and secure. If I had a job I won't worry as much I guess. Thanks for your comment.