Should DH add me on the mortgage?

[Rorymyers]

I'm not sure if this is being posted under the right section but I need advice please.

I got married in Jan 2023 and moved to (big) city where DH lives.

Prior to that I lived in a smaller city. Had a decent job. No debts apart from a small bal CC being paid off monthly. I could save etc.

I had to quit my job for the move as my employer was a small local company.

The plan was to get a job asap before starting a family. Well we got pregnant with DC pretty quickly after..
DC is now 1.5 yo and attends daycare part time. I'm mainly responsible for all DC care and cooking, housekeeping etc as expected.

I don't get any reward for this and DH believes it's my responsibility as it's my 'contribution' to our home. He says if I need more money I need to find paid employment.

I resumed job hunting once DC started daycare. No luck yet.

We never discussed joint accounts etc as I thought the conversation would happen naturally. But currently I am not listed on any of our household documents, not on the mortgage or any bills. DH manages everything. He said there's really no need as he's happy to pay without my help.

We have no joint accounts. I do not know what DH saves or invests. I do not know his earnings etc he would give me a ballpark if I ask. He is in a specialist private sector and I am certain he earns a decent wage.

Is it possible that DH hides these things intentionally so I don't know how much money we have?

DH doesn't believe I should have any expenses apart from food and shelter. He believes doing things like getting my hair done is an unnecessary expense until I can afford to pay myself.

I now use my little savings to pay my CC monthly or to do things for myself. He says thr debt is mine . I'm not a reckless spender. I cann't even afford coffee dates with friends.

I really would like to go back to work as I do enjoy being financially independent and doing things for myself.

Having DC changed me and I completely lost confidence in myself and didn't think I was good enough to find a job. i'm just coming out of that and upskilling but DH somehow believes it's my fault for not finding a job.

I think DH sees me as a financial liability and I wonder if he is 'protecting' his assets so he has control over everything as the sole breadwinner.

I guess I need some advice or opinion on how to make this situation more fair but I don't know how.

YANBU: to request for DH to put me on the mortgage atleast.
And if so what difference will that make if I can't even contribute?.

YABU: DH doesn't need to put you on any documents.

We are legally married (for context regarding any advice). Anyone with any advise or in a similar situation? What's working for you currently?

Thanks for reading!!!

Bullshit. He doesn’t even tell her how much he earns; he controls all the money and she needs his permission to buy anything. Meanwhile he expects her to do all the domestic/ reproductive work and childcare. He’s literally exploiting her.

OP, I think what you are working with is half a story and you will never know the full story (and neither will we on MN), because your husband has hidden it from you.

He does not sound like he will be sharing anytime soon. This is a really big deal and not something that requires a quick response or denial even. Maybe take time to absorb what that means now and long-term for you. I would be worried that he could cut it all off very quickly, leaving you destitute. It may sound far-fetched but many smart, capable women have fallen into this trap.

(I have always earned my own money and worked since I was a teen, even was on paid maternity leave, so I don’t have first-hand experience of relying on my husband for my living expenses).

Should you be on the mortgage? Yes.

Just make sure he takes time off for sick days too when you go back to work.

Slightly against the grain here but if he's already paying for nursery when it's not technically required plus doing nursery drop offs then it sounds like he's not averse to pulling his weight with childcare.

It also sounds like he believes he isn't treating you differently to how he'd expect to be treated (i.e no new clothes or haircuts for either of you by the sounds of it). It's not great behaviour on his behalf but I can see how you got to this point without him intentionally being abusive. It feels like he had no intention of having a SAHW and is trying to ensure it won't be a permanent arrangement.

OP, literally any job will do at this point - it'll give you a confidence boost as well as money in your pocket. Hospitality can be quite a fun and flexible sector to work in (I loved working in a pub!). Once your confidence is back up, think about any sideways moves or retraining you can do to expand your job search as it sounds like your professional experience may be too niche for your area (or think about ways you can do it remotely or as a sole trader).

Best of luck!

The reason he has to give you some of his salary is that (a) you had to quit your job to marry him and (b) your provision of childcare and housekeeping has value. You say you "can't find a job" as if that means you aren't worth anything. That's incorrect since you HAD a job. You gave up your job for your husband. What did he give up for you? Nothing. He has his job, his income, his house, and now has a housekeeper (you) to whom he pays nothing. If you were working as a nanny and housekeeper to anyone other than your husband, you would earn enough to have a home, buy food AND get a haircut, AND buy clothing, and AND go out to dinner, AND save some money. Instead, you don't even have enough to get a haircut. In this marriage, you have all the losses and he has all the gains.

You say you have avoided talking about this due to the sensitivity. What do you mean by this? He's not being sensitive when he tells you that you don't even deserve a haircut. You say he is not unkind to you but expecting you to go without these basic functions, is extremely unkind towards you.

From what you describe you are not married to not a very nice man. In fact from what you say, he is secretive, adverse to sharing, financially controlling and unbelievably unkind. He knows your financial position and does nothing to alleviate or make it easier for you. You moved for him, you gave up your paid work to join him - does he take no responsibility for this?

I don’t know the benefits of having your name on the mortgage, I feel you have way more important matters to discuss with your unpleasant unrealistic scrouge like husband. To think you haven’t the freedom to have yr hair cut, or have coffee with a friend!!! This isn’t a marriage m’dear, sadly you are sounding more like his housekeeper.

It's not just the money. He may not want coffee with friends, partly because he has adult time at work and he could have coffee if he wanted. But for him to have the decision power and you none, when someone has to care for the DC and do the housework, is what's medieval here. The power imbalance is sooooo strong. That's what makes it abuse and why the justification of just avoiding unnecessary spends is not an acceptable answer . Sure, if you both want that, you both do that , with your own decisions. But for one to have all the decision making power and the other to have none is abuse.

It's also such a profound disregard for the asymmetry, that you gave up so much and bore the child! If course it impacts your earning to do that, and to move. So it's so unfair for you to now be powerless without even access to a coffee. I'm angry for you. I hope you get in a better situation asap.

Why does she need to be "on the mortgage"? Its hard to see how she would benefit from it. On the deeds, possibly, though should she split from husband, she should get half the assets anyway.

I have told DH a few conversations from today and he asked why I couldn't just talk to him first and frankly I do now feel like I've overreacted a bit

I don’t think you’ve over-reacted unlike many posters on here. I do agree have those talks with him, you have a right to know all the finances- which are all his right now. You are an equal partner and co-parent, you should be able to pick up where he left off and carry out what you both agree on if say he drops dead of a heart attack tomorrow. You can’t do that if he is doing all the financial admin by himself and not including you in the decisions and information. I see he is in the medical field and hope the lack of communication and transparency is due to a very busy job & young family- very common to feel there are not enough hours in the day and to revert to two second news flashes as you rush about.

Maybe next weekend evening kids are in bed, have a family finance meeting with him. I do all the finances for my family as my DH works crazy hours. We do a financial MOT at the end of each quarter where we go over all our accounts, our pension savings, our long term goals. I have a spreadsheet where I update the balances of all investments and so on. We look at where we are, and we discuss things like what budget do we have for holidays, Christmas, how is the kids Uni account, how are pensions & investments performing should we rebalance them?

@LemonMyrtle
No, she should absolutely NOT be on the mortgage. She has no income and has said when she does, it will be not nearly as much as her DH. No mortgage company would allow her to be added anyway what without 3yrs of steady, high enough income. So not only should she not, she cannot be on the mortgage.

If he leaves her- packs his bags and goes wherever and SHE is on the mortgage he can STOP his mortgage payments and the mortgage company will come after HER to pay HIS mortgage debt on the house he bought long before they were married and given the short marriage she likely doesn’t have a 50% interest in.

The mortgage is HIS DEBT that he took on before marriage, she is not liable to pay HIS DEBT and you should not be advising her to take on HIS DEBT especially given her situation as a SAHM with limited means and curtailed earning power. This is for her protection.

you still need to set yourself up right - if he is earning over the child benefit threshold YOU can still tick a box and get NI contributions element of child benefit so that you build up your state pension. You won’t get cash in the bank, but you’ll be better off long term.

Are you British OP?

Plus, if on the off chance he is financially abusive rather than time strapped and failing to communicate- then her being added to HIS mortgage is a gift to an abuser of this ilk. Next thing you know, after getting back to work, her entire paycheque will have to go to the mortgage and she will be struggling to have any of her money for herself. An abuser would be like, I paid the mortgage for 10yrs while you sat on your ass and played the lady of leisure, it’s your turn now you’re back to work and if you don’t, you will be the one responsible for making our children homeless.

It is normal in your culture that the mums staying at home looking after babies aren’t allowed to get a haircut?

I was SAHM for a while because of redundancy, money was so so tight, but DH insisted I could still go get my hair cut.

using his card is actually fraudulent and against the bank terms and conditions. only the named person on the card is entitled to use it. a shop could actually refuse to give it back to you if they notice it’s not yours. you need your own card.

You don’t know how much your husband earns.
You can’t even afford a coffee or haircut.
You are a free housemaid/ cleaner / nanny / cook / sexual partner.
You are being financially abused.

I’m posting a link here to Martin Lewis Money Saving Expert website who explains why it’s important for you to claim child benefit, even if your DH earns over the threshold and won’t get any cash now. In a nutshell, claiming child benefit means you will get pension benefits in later life which you wouldn’t get otherwise if not working. Martin can explain it better than me!

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/news/2023/11/-martin-lewis-child-benefit-state-pension-warning/

If he dies tomorrow you are stuck
You need joint and own accounts
You should know how much he i e the family earns

When you say 'add you to the mortgage'.... Do you mean you wat to contribute to the mortgage payments? How much can you contribute?

Or do you mean you want to be added to the title deeds for the property?

When you bought the house were you listed as joint owners?

That’s as may be. But you are incredibly vulnerable in this set up. After assets are split, you’ll have to house, feed and cover your own pension and after 10 years out of the workforce you’ll be effectively starting again while he, presumably, just carries on.

No it’s not. It’s only fraudulent if used without the cardholder’s permission.

He bought the house before they were together.

If she doesn't own the house why would she want to pay the mortgage debt on it?

Household income after marriage revolves around trust, control, and compromise. It's not necessarily that your husband doesn't trust you. He might simply want to maintain control over his earnings and isn't ready to discuss compromises, especially if you're not currently contributing financially.

I'm unsure how he'll respond to adding your name to the mortgage. If he agrees, that's a positive step.

If you anticipate resistance, consider discussing a joint account once you secure employment, ensuring all incomes are deposited into a joint account. While separate accounts can work for some, they didn't in my experience.

I understand how challenging job hunting can be, especially with a young child. I hope your husband supports your job hunting efforts.

In the meantime, research combining finances after marriage to find the best approach for you both. I wasn't aware this could be a significant issue in marriage before I got married. If you don't sort this out as soon as possible, you and your DH will not be in an equal position, you'll be in a financially vunerable one.

So grateful for your comment. You've hit the nail spot on the head especially.

He did say we would be remortgaging and happy to add me on then but he also asked me what the benefits are But like a lot of other pp have said its not really going to help me financially, instead it'll be a liability if DH is unable to add me....

The truth is that We didn't have conversations before hand and we just left things as they were. He never raised them on his part as he essentially carried on with everything as before we got married....

.like I said I am not worried that he's financially irresponsible, he is quite savvy on the other hand.

DH on his part has accepted things from my POV and also sees how this situation would leave me more financially vulnerable and benefit me in the long run.

We also discussed house chores and are also making some positive changes especially around weekends when he's free..

He did show me some financial information and he actually has me listed as his NOK in all the essential ones that I won't bother listing.

these posts have really really helped us have a better stance on things.......

We will be making significant changes going forward to make everything more fair and so the aim of my post has been achieved....

I do appreciate your kind comments.

I didn't bother to respond to that comment 🤣 . Thank you