Should DH add me on the mortgage?

[Rorymyers]

I'm not sure if this is being posted under the right section but I need advice please.

I got married in Jan 2023 and moved to (big) city where DH lives.

Prior to that I lived in a smaller city. Had a decent job. No debts apart from a small bal CC being paid off monthly. I could save etc.

I had to quit my job for the move as my employer was a small local company.

The plan was to get a job asap before starting a family. Well we got pregnant with DC pretty quickly after..
DC is now 1.5 yo and attends daycare part time. I'm mainly responsible for all DC care and cooking, housekeeping etc as expected.

I don't get any reward for this and DH believes it's my responsibility as it's my 'contribution' to our home. He says if I need more money I need to find paid employment.

I resumed job hunting once DC started daycare. No luck yet.

We never discussed joint accounts etc as I thought the conversation would happen naturally. But currently I am not listed on any of our household documents, not on the mortgage or any bills. DH manages everything. He said there's really no need as he's happy to pay without my help.

We have no joint accounts. I do not know what DH saves or invests. I do not know his earnings etc he would give me a ballpark if I ask. He is in a specialist private sector and I am certain he earns a decent wage.

Is it possible that DH hides these things intentionally so I don't know how much money we have?

DH doesn't believe I should have any expenses apart from food and shelter. He believes doing things like getting my hair done is an unnecessary expense until I can afford to pay myself.

I now use my little savings to pay my CC monthly or to do things for myself. He says thr debt is mine . I'm not a reckless spender. I cann't even afford coffee dates with friends.

I really would like to go back to work as I do enjoy being financially independent and doing things for myself.

Having DC changed me and I completely lost confidence in myself and didn't think I was good enough to find a job. i'm just coming out of that and upskilling but DH somehow believes it's my fault for not finding a job.

I think DH sees me as a financial liability and I wonder if he is 'protecting' his assets so he has control over everything as the sole breadwinner.

I guess I need some advice or opinion on how to make this situation more fair but I don't know how.

YANBU: to request for DH to put me on the mortgage atleast.
And if so what difference will that make if I can't even contribute?.

YABU: DH doesn't need to put you on any documents.

We are legally married (for context regarding any advice). Anyone with any advise or in a similar situation? What's working for you currently?

Thanks for reading!!!

I have on further comments if you read through the comments 🤷

Just pointing out initially that usually people consider these things before they marry and have children. It's one of those things you discuss when in a serious relationship e.g. reasonable things to have discussed include: shall we open a joint account for all our household bills; you earn more so you put in more, we both then have some personal spending money; I would like children and would like to stay home with them for the first few years, will that be possible on one income? Etc.

How long had you actually been together for?

Sorry but if your DH is expecting you to contribute financially then all cards should be on the table.

I do think as others have said this discussion should have taken place before marriage

You can claim. My DH also earns more than the threshold. I claim the child benefit, use it on things for our girls like dance and swim lessons, any left each month goes into their savings accounts. He then fills in a self assessment form at end of the year and pays most of it back, and I pay part of this tax bill as I work, but part time vs his full time. But doing it this way means I keep up my contributions towards my pension.

Yeah he's financially abusing you

Yeah, this is really weird. He's bang out of order OO, isn't this financial abuse? Shitty behaviour on his part, that's for sure.

You have no income, he gives yoi nothing.
You need to claim CB and he then declares it.
You need this for your stamp for your future pension.
You need to do this urgently.

How old are you, and him?
Is there a gsp.

Abusive men love to isolate women, move them away from their security.

Depending on the size of the mortgage, a partial transfer of property that puts you on the mortgage might incur stamp duty, so get proper advice before making any decisions, especially as in the event of a divorce your home is a marital asset anyway, if your DH owns it.
However, I think the bigger issue here is that you, as a couple, didn't sort out how the finances were going to work before your DC was born. It sounds like your husband was not expecting to have a wife who's a SAHM, and resents the fact that you haven't been working. He's doing a lot of unreasonable stuff, IMO, but some people need an agreed plan to keep them on the right path, and will do whatever they can get away with in the absence of one.

Why on Earth would you want to be added to the mortgage? You realise this adds you to a massive loan and that you are agreeing to take joint responsibility for this debt? The mortgage company wouldn’t add you anyway, you have to have an income to qualify to be added as a debtor.

Being on the mortgage gets you no rights over ownership of the house it is for either, you have that as his spouse/via marriage.

The main issue is no joint accounts and no communication of finances.

Seperate finances in marriage is what some couples choose but it should come with complete transparency and equality in decisions for whatever is “family money”

Most married couples have at least one joint current account for family expenses and one joint savings account for family financial goals (ie holidays birthdays, car, ) then separate personal accounts for own disposable income- that they are transparent about.

There isn’t enough info to cry financial abuse. Most couples when one partner has been out of work long term, couldn’t afford to go to the salon for hair and nails. He is obviously worried about money, and trying to keep spends to the absolute necessities.

I agree with much of this. I think PP blithely saying it would be a 50/50 split on the home and assets if you were to divorce are not necessarily accurate.

I think because it has been a relatively short marriage, if you were to divorce what you would get is dependent on quite a few factors- how long he had the house/equity in the house before you married, how much of his savings he had built up before you married. I would think you would get something because you are married and have a child, but you may well not get 50% of everything. You would, of course, be entitled to child maintenance.

I also agree that the current situation is not a fair way to split finances. You should have access to money for yourself, though I agree that if you want luxuries over and above what your family income allows (and a basic hair cut is not a luxury- extensions etc are) then you should get a job to pay for them. I’d also say, if your child is in nursery part-time (does your husband pay for this or are you paying from savings) that you should be able to do the majority of the housework etc. I’m not sure it is unreasonable of him to expect you to do the majority of the housework, cooking etc, BUT that should come with recognition of what you do for the family unit. I think it would be better for you if you did find a job- and I’m sure you could find something, even if it is not ideal, so you have some independence.

You have to decide if the situation is salvageable and if he can change. If not, I think you should leave. This is no way to live, it isn’t fair and your DH is not treating you with respect.

Is this an arranged marriage by any chance? If you're in the UK have you not always been here, perhaps?

Hi this is definitely wrong, you can claim Child Benefit and it would go to your account but they would take the money back through your husband’s taxes (might be a good option since he won’t let you get a haircut). You can also as people say claim but opt out of receiving the income, they would just pay your NI but you still need to register. The benefit of doing this is that they would also pay your NI stamp for your pension so you as a family may not actually get extra income but you would get your pension paid It’s currently around £850 a year to buy back a pension year so really worth doing.

https://www.gov.uk/child-benefit-tax-charge

It has shown the wrong quote - this was what I was replying to!

We are Non-European... without being too revealing and yes some cultural inclination has made this seem more 'normal' hence I didn't think it was so much of a big deal since we were both raised by SAHMs. Good question thank you.

Yes if I do get a job it's technically going to be considered 'my money'....this is why I am confused if my situation is really that bad or I just need to find my job and carry on...... Great disparity in earning power due to him being ahead in his med career as he'd had the same job since he was 18 and I basically got on the career ladder later with less years in before this break. We're both in our 30s, me early him mid... for this who asked as well. Thanks for your comment

I did not know this. Thank you very much. Will look into asap

Thank you i'm sorry yes I did see you were supportive. My responses are mixed up on MN. And yes you're right we did not have these discussions. I didn't know By better either. I thought these things just worked themselves out. We're both in our 30s so not young but mainly clueless. But I've taken all the advice and ready to have a discussion asap. Thank you and i'm sorry again for being defensive

I get so scared of MN advice sometimes because some Pp just advice to leave. But it's never that simple from a ten paragraph post. You've really really hit the nail on the head and yes I do know he hoped I would have gone back to work by now, after all two incomes are always better than one.

Sometimes people just need practical advice rather than scream abuse all the time. DH also has been used to doing it all himself and has just progressed that way esp because we had no prior discuss on expectations if one of us is unemployed.... I have told DH a few conversations from today and he asked why I couldn't just talk to him first and frankly I do now feel like I've overreacted a bit. He also says he's absolutely saving for the future and not recklessly spending so he doesn't know why i worry about. But I know people change and all and I just need take make suit wasn't taken for a ride by DH. Thank you so much

@Rorymyers are you saying in your culture it's the norm?
I'm struggling to underand why you are even with this person.
Can you enlighten us?

Thank you. IEssentially yes. It's not abnormal for the mom to be a sahm and she's responsible for everything that has to do with the home and childcare whilst the working father does nothing home or childcare related but pays the bills and ensures everyone iis taken care of. Both our mom's were also sahms. It's not uncommon in many cultures like ours. But this has no bearing on us as i'm not choosing to be a sahm. We just did not discuss these things and here I am financially dependent without a choice...Thank you for commenting

Baby clothes are all bought as needed and will go on H's card. No barriers there. My sanitary products are all included in weekly food shop. No barriers there. My clothes, perfumes basics etc I have to tell H before I put on card. I don't have any upper or lower limit. But I have to 'notify' him. Which i'm trying to get him to stop saying put it on my card. I want to control my own money..... We have yet to discuss any arrangement if I do get a job because well I don't quite have one. He has mentioned my earnings will be for me to do. if baby gets unwell while we are both in FT work idk what would happen but I assume i'm most likely going to have to make myself available for that. If I do earn it'll be mine to keep, but mainly so I don't have to spend 'his'. Unfortunately we are not quite there hence my dilemma

I don't quite get the foreign or religion sentence

OP I’m so sorry , your partner is abusing, controlling and exploiting you 😢. You need to make a plan to leave

Thank you to everyone who commented. I believe I've gotten my answers and advice and will be taking action going forward. Phew