Should DH add me on the mortgage?

[Rorymyers]

I'm not sure if this is being posted under the right section but I need advice please.

I got married in Jan 2023 and moved to (big) city where DH lives.

Prior to that I lived in a smaller city. Had a decent job. No debts apart from a small bal CC being paid off monthly. I could save etc.

I had to quit my job for the move as my employer was a small local company.

The plan was to get a job asap before starting a family. Well we got pregnant with DC pretty quickly after..
DC is now 1.5 yo and attends daycare part time. I'm mainly responsible for all DC care and cooking, housekeeping etc as expected.

I don't get any reward for this and DH believes it's my responsibility as it's my 'contribution' to our home. He says if I need more money I need to find paid employment.

I resumed job hunting once DC started daycare. No luck yet.

We never discussed joint accounts etc as I thought the conversation would happen naturally. But currently I am not listed on any of our household documents, not on the mortgage or any bills. DH manages everything. He said there's really no need as he's happy to pay without my help.

We have no joint accounts. I do not know what DH saves or invests. I do not know his earnings etc he would give me a ballpark if I ask. He is in a specialist private sector and I am certain he earns a decent wage.

Is it possible that DH hides these things intentionally so I don't know how much money we have?

DH doesn't believe I should have any expenses apart from food and shelter. He believes doing things like getting my hair done is an unnecessary expense until I can afford to pay myself.

I now use my little savings to pay my CC monthly or to do things for myself. He says thr debt is mine . I'm not a reckless spender. I cann't even afford coffee dates with friends.

I really would like to go back to work as I do enjoy being financially independent and doing things for myself.

Having DC changed me and I completely lost confidence in myself and didn't think I was good enough to find a job. i'm just coming out of that and upskilling but DH somehow believes it's my fault for not finding a job.

I think DH sees me as a financial liability and I wonder if he is 'protecting' his assets so he has control over everything as the sole breadwinner.

I guess I need some advice or opinion on how to make this situation more fair but I don't know how.

YANBU: to request for DH to put me on the mortgage atleast.
And if so what difference will that make if I can't even contribute?.

YABU: DH doesn't need to put you on any documents.

We are legally married (for context regarding any advice). Anyone with any advise or in a similar situation? What's working for you currently?

Thanks for reading!!!

The worry in your situation is that you have no access to money. You sound like you are being kept like a slave, responsible for childcare, food preparation and keeping the home.

You say his money covers the bills. However he won't give you money for things like a haircut and you have no money to go for coffee for friends. This is not ok. You should have access to the joint account and be able to do these things. Some people have set budgets where after bills each person gets a certain amount of spending money to do as they please, others it's just a shared pot and take what is needed.

Thanks for your advice. No coercion in sex lol none whatsoever. Yes i'm not planning to get pregnant under these circumstances.

So you’re just a free housekeeper/nanny/maid /cleaner?

We don't have a joint account. His explanation is that why do I need to stress to see what we have going out and coming in when i'm not able to make any contribution yer. Almost saying I should not worry about finance but focus on getting a job. But I do not think that's sustainable as the Job is hard to get and essentially if it doesn't corne then I won't have any money.

Thanks for commenting

Do you have a Job Centre or Employment Bureau near you? Have got any qualifications or skills? Search online for local Job Centre - you go there and ask about any work or put name down for anything that turns up. You can go to Citizens Advice Bureau for your area. They can help you. Phone them for a 20 min. appointment. They give legal information etc, There is also Woman's Aid. Prepare your questions in advance because they are very busy.

At this stage I would get any job, even minimum wage, rather than waiting for your niche/professional area, so you have some of your own money.

And save a chunk of it as an 'escape fund'. As others have said, this man seems from what you have written, to be controlling, misogynistic, brings you down rather than building you up as a true partner should. I personally wouldnt want my child, boy or girl, growing up with this example of how a man treats a woman. He should nurture and respect you as his wife and mother of your child.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but now is time to make positive changes, for you and your child.

Yaaaa basically......Hence me posting on MN. Thanks for the eye opener

How do you pay for groceries?

Thank you. I was in my head and needed a third eye. And essentially everyone has agreed too so i'm grateful for that. I'll be having a conversation with H. We are both still fairly young and probably not very smart in decision making.

Your advice to get any manual job is solid. As all this time I had been searching for my niche area. Thank you so much

Are you very young OP? Do you have parents or friends around that you can discuss these things with? Just you sound like you would benefit from some general ‘life guidance’ in how things, particularly finances and average relationships work.
Adding yourself to bills etc is not the be all and end all- it does make you liable for anything you have your name on and that maybe isn’t the best thing when you have no income. It is something you should look to do in future (even your mobile phone bill) so that you are building up a credit score in case you need to rely on that in future.
However you absolutely should be claiming child benefit if you aren’t already. In your name, not your husbands. This will cover your NI contributions that will provide you with a state pension.

I use his card if go to the shops if needed and all major food shops go on his card. I dont have to ask beforehand if its for DC or food. Just that I have to justify own personal needs if I am not including it in the weekly groceries shop

My phone bill is in my name which he pays for so yes I do have a line of credit already. I also have a small CC. Yes i'm quite young and my initial post was to get life advice but changed to AIBU. I didn't think I was entitled to his earnings as he is providing everything I need. Holidays. Birthday gifts etc. But I have no money of my own. I didn't want to think i was entitled esp as he pays for everything else

What about toiletries, tampons etc, do you have to ask permission for those? What about clothes and shoes, underwear etc?

This is probably information you should share with your dh. By not claiming child benefit he is creating a situation where you have gaps in national insurance contributions which could mean you are not eligible for a full state pension in old age. Claiming child benefit will earn you credits for the years where you are a stay at home parent. At the same time this is happening he is presumably paying into a pension for himself while you have no contributions building up at the moment so it is a double whammy.

Unlikely with such a short marriage. But will be entitled to something.

You are (or should be) a team. When I was growing up, my Dad was sole and reasonably decent earner, my mum was home full time until I (youngest child) was about 7, then she worked a small amount during school hours. My parents had 1 joint account, with both names on, both with equal access, both with names on all bills. There was no 'my money' only 'our money'. My Dad would openly say my mums 'job' was much harder than his, he built her up in our eyes. We could see the love and mutual respect and it made me very clear on what sort of marriage I would be happy with, and that is a marriage of equals, which doesn't count value of a person in pounds and pence, but in love and respect and care.

Just out of interest, what example did you have set for you as a child? Often life follows generational patterns, both for good and for bad. But if they are bad we need to break these patterns.

You are saving your dh lots of stress at the moment. If you have a job then he will need to:

• take turns having to take leave from work when your dc is sick and can’t be in childcare or has doctor or dental visits
• take turns leaving work early/arriving late either side of childcare
• contribute to 50% of housework, shopping, cooking etc

you being at home looking after the dc is helping him to continue to do well at work. The analogy of unpaid cleaner/childcare is relevant and you should have some money that you can spend on yourself without asking permission ideally you would both have a budget for treats, clothes, hair etc - he cuts his own hair but probably spends on something for himself (coffee, subscriptions, investments?) but even if he doesn’t that is his choice and you should be able to make choices too.

You’re entitled to have some spending money. It doesn’t need to be loads but enough that you can have a coffee with friends once a week, get your haircut etc. You need to have some cash you can spend without having to run it past your husband. These aren’t extravagant purchases, being a stay at home mother is tough, you need to be able to catch up with friends so you can be you. You’re not just a mum and a wife. Get a job, any job, that fits in with childcare for your own sanity and self respect. You can always keep looking for a more suitable job whilst working elsewhere.
when you do get a job make sure it is not all paid to your DH. Use it for the things you’re missing out on being able to buy for yourself now, and also save for your own future as DH is doing for himself now

Everything goes on the food shop as everything is sold in stores anyway. With clothes I don't typically need to buy clothes anyway except an occasion or holiday then I'll have to tell him and it'll go on the card. I'm talking about money apart from basic needs.

I'll have a conversation and let him know all the feedback I've received and use that as a point to kick-start a conversation

Thank you so much.

Responding to AndrinaAdamosballetshoes

I’m a sahm, I’ve not been in paid employment for 10 years, dose that make me a lazy entitled wife? I worked damm hard from having my first job at 13 working multiple jobs most of my adult life, supported my DH early in our marriage before I gave up employment at 38yo. I am no way fucking lazy or entitled!

DHs salary covers everything and a few hundred pound is put into my personal account each month. Most of the time I end up transferring it back into the family pot for things but that’s entirely my choice, that money is mine to do with as I please. I know my DHs income, pensions, mortgage (I’m not on), bills because we are a partnership. If we split up my DH knows that I know my entitlements.

The fact your husband is brushing off your questions tells me your not a team.

If he’s not giving you the details of your families finances as he believes they are just his, then you have a problem and need to think about how you want your marriage to work going forward. You don’t have to leave him but I’d highly recommend you find out your rights and exactly what the “family” finances are one way or another.

See what worries me here is you say if you buy clothes 'then you will have to tell him'. Why shouldn't you be able to treat yourself if out and spot something nice? Why do you have to effectively ask permission? That isn't how marriage should work.

Thank you. Will share your response in my conversation with him. He's he has a nice pension and his employers too. He says it's all for us but i'm finding it hard to believe if he's not willing to support me noe. I just read another thread where the DH was financially abusing the OP and she eventually found out he was cheating on top of it all. I know how cruel some men are. I'm trying to make sure I don't make such mistakes.
I don't have friends and no one to run such issues by without sounding unappreciative of everything he does. Thank you so muchhhhhh

Yes essentially he will see all transactions and if I didn't mention it it beforehand he will most likely ask me what the purchase was for. If its to sort things for DC he says OK that's fine. If its for me he asks if it was a 'necessary' spend. Hinting I should not be spending more than is 'necessary ' ...I will ask for a monthly stipend until i'm back at work. I have to. Thank you so much