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Original poster

Should DH add me on the mortgage?

209 replies

Rorymyers · 17/03/2025 15:42

I'm not sure if this is being posted under the right section but I need advice please.

I got married in Jan 2023 and moved to (big) city where DH lives.

Prior to that I lived in a smaller city. Had a decent job. No debts apart from a small bal CC being paid off monthly. I could save etc.

I had to quit my job for the move as my employer was a small local company.

The plan was to get a job asap before starting a family. Well we got pregnant with DC pretty quickly after..
DC is now 1.5 yo and attends daycare part time. I'm mainly responsible for all DC care and cooking, housekeeping etc as expected.

I don't get any reward for this and DH believes it's my responsibility as it's my 'contribution' to our home. He says if I need more money I need to find paid employment.

I resumed job hunting once DC started daycare. No luck yet.

We never discussed joint accounts etc as I thought the conversation would happen naturally. But currently I am not listed on any of our household documents, not on the mortgage or any bills. DH manages everything. He said there's really no need as he's happy to pay without my help.

We have no joint accounts. I do not know what DH saves or invests. I do not know his earnings etc he would give me a ballpark if I ask. He is in a specialist private sector and I am certain he earns a decent wage.

Is it possible that DH hides these things intentionally so I don't know how much money we have?

DH doesn't believe I should have any expenses apart from food and shelter. He believes doing things like getting my hair done is an unnecessary expense until I can afford to pay myself.

I now use my little savings to pay my CC monthly or to do things for myself. He says thr debt is mine . I'm not a reckless spender. I cann't even afford coffee dates with friends.

I really would like to go back to work as I do enjoy being financially independent and doing things for myself.

Having DC changed me and I completely lost confidence in myself and didn't think I was good enough to find a job. i'm just coming out of that and upskilling but DH somehow believes it's my fault for not finding a job.

I think DH sees me as a financial liability and I wonder if he is 'protecting' his assets so he has control over everything as the sole breadwinner.

I guess I need some advice or opinion on how to make this situation more fair but I don't know how.

YANBU: to request for DH to put me on the mortgage atleast.
And if so what difference will that make if I can't even contribute?.

YABU: DH doesn't need to put you on any documents.

We are legally married (for context regarding any advice). Anyone with any advise or in a similar situation? What's working for you currently?

Thanks for reading!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Rorymyers · 19/03/2025 08:52

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 18/03/2025 10:04

@LemonMyrtle
No, she should absolutely NOT be on the mortgage. She has no income and has said when she does, it will be not nearly as much as her DH. No mortgage company would allow her to be added anyway what without 3yrs of steady, high enough income. So not only should she not, she cannot be on the mortgage.

If he leaves her- packs his bags and goes wherever and SHE is on the mortgage he can STOP his mortgage payments and the mortgage company will come after HER to pay HIS mortgage debt on the house he bought long before they were married and given the short marriage she likely doesn’t have a 50% interest in.

The mortgage is HIS DEBT that he took on before marriage, she is not liable to pay HIS DEBT and you should not be advising her to take on HIS DEBT especially given her situation as a SAHM with limited means and curtailed earning power. This is for her protection.

Edited

This essentially sums it. My worry about the mortgage was just some sort of protection as i'm out of work. I didn't understand the finer details as to how it's also going take become my debt if he's unable to pay.

I had limited info when I made this thread and I needed real like advice which I have received. And now I see that's not a good decision to be added on the mortgage. Atleast not yet.

Thanks for your comment. Have a lovely day

OP posts:
Original poster
Rorymyers · 19/03/2025 08:59

CaribouCarafe · 18/03/2025 03:08

Just make sure he takes time off for sick days too when you go back to work.

Slightly against the grain here but if he's already paying for nursery when it's not technically required plus doing nursery drop offs then it sounds like he's not averse to pulling his weight with childcare.

It also sounds like he believes he isn't treating you differently to how he'd expect to be treated (i.e no new clothes or haircuts for either of you by the sounds of it). It's not great behaviour on his behalf but I can see how you got to this point without him intentionally being abusive. It feels like he had no intention of having a SAHW and is trying to ensure it won't be a permanent arrangement.

OP, literally any job will do at this point - it'll give you a confidence boost as well as money in your pocket. Hospitality can be quite a fun and flexible sector to work in (I loved working in a pub!). Once your confidence is back up, think about any sideways moves or retraining you can do to expand your job search as it sounds like your professional experience may be too niche for your area (or think about ways you can do it remotely or as a sole trader).

Best of luck!

Thank you I have to say I agree with everything you said. I could not have put it better myself...

Oh .hospitality wow I would definitely give that one a think. Thank you!!!

OP posts:
Tandora · 19/03/2025 13:33

whoamI00 · 19/03/2025 05:56

Household income after marriage revolves around trust, control, and compromise. It's not necessarily that your husband doesn't trust you. He might simply want to maintain control over his earnings and isn't ready to discuss compromises, especially if you're not currently contributing financially.

I'm unsure how he'll respond to adding your name to the mortgage. If he agrees, that's a positive step.

If you anticipate resistance, consider discussing a joint account once you secure employment, ensuring all incomes are deposited into a joint account. While separate accounts can work for some, they didn't in my experience.

I understand how challenging job hunting can be, especially with a young child. I hope your husband supports your job hunting efforts.

In the meantime, research combining finances after marriage to find the best approach for you both. I wasn't aware this could be a significant issue in marriage before I got married. If you don't sort this out as soon as possible, you and your DH will not be in an equal position, you'll be in a financially vunerable one.

She’s contributing in labour!! If OP wasn’t providing all the domestic reproductive care any idea how much that would cost her DH?!! Shocking that you think it’s acceptable that he should be maintaining control of the money / not making compromises.

mullers1977 · 20/03/2025 16:17

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 18/03/2025 10:04

@LemonMyrtle
No, she should absolutely NOT be on the mortgage. She has no income and has said when she does, it will be not nearly as much as her DH. No mortgage company would allow her to be added anyway what without 3yrs of steady, high enough income. So not only should she not, she cannot be on the mortgage.

If he leaves her- packs his bags and goes wherever and SHE is on the mortgage he can STOP his mortgage payments and the mortgage company will come after HER to pay HIS mortgage debt on the house he bought long before they were married and given the short marriage she likely doesn’t have a 50% interest in.

The mortgage is HIS DEBT that he took on before marriage, she is not liable to pay HIS DEBT and you should not be advising her to take on HIS DEBT especially given her situation as a SAHM with limited means and curtailed earning power. This is for her protection.

Edited

I’m on the mortgage and don’t have an income, nor have I for several years, we tried to not have me on the mortgage and our mortgage company refused as I was an adult spouse living in the property.

anyolddinosaur · 05/07/2025 21:07

You should get property alerts from the Land Registry to ensure you know if anyone tries any fraud on your property. You do not have to be on the mortgage for this.

Apply immediately for child benefit and get it backdated 3 months so you get NI credits. https://www.gov.uk/child-benefit/how-to-claim It's not extra money now but it does protect pension entitlement.

Apply for any job you are capable of doing. The NHS has bank admin jobs sometimes and they can last for weeks. https://www.jobs.nhs.uk/candidate If you dont mind personal care there may be care assistant jobs. The application process is slow. You could also look here https://www.gov.uk/find-a-job Search for any bank job in the lowest couple of pay bands.

If you want to say what qualifications you have people may be able to suggest places to look. Can you drive as it will increase where you can look?

Aimtodobetter · 05/07/2025 21:52

Rorymyers · 17/03/2025 20:29

We tried getting child benefit but there's a salary threshold which his wages exceed so in essence we should be paying the government but it cancels out hence we can't claim and pay nothing. I would find a link

Show quote history

You should still be claiming it so you get the NI credit for your state pension. You claim it and he pays it back through an increased tax bill. It's pretty standard.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/high-income-child-benefit/#:~:text=Even%20if%20you%20(or%2Fand,count%20towards%20your%20State%20Pension.

Keepingthingsinteresting · 05/07/2025 22:20

Rorymyers · 17/03/2025 20:29

We tried getting child benefit but there's a salary threshold which his wages exceed so in essence we should be paying the government but it cancels out hence we can't claim and pay nothing. I would find a link

Show quote history

No, @Rorymyers if you take nothing form the thread please sort out child benefits. It is really important you claim it as it is money to you but also paying your national insurance stamp so counts towards your state pension. You H will have to pay it back via his tax return, but you need to NI credit so he will have to suck it up. And please register matrimonial rights against the home on the land registry.

Devianinc · 05/07/2025 23:47

The man is using pig. I don’t know why you’re not disgusted with how he’s treating your child, never mind you. Hes sounds cruel and cold. Did he want a baby?

MyLov · 06/07/2025 03:28

You are being financially abused.

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