Should DH add me on the mortgage?

[Rorymyers]

I'm not sure if this is being posted under the right section but I need advice please.

I got married in Jan 2023 and moved to (big) city where DH lives.

Prior to that I lived in a smaller city. Had a decent job. No debts apart from a small bal CC being paid off monthly. I could save etc.

I had to quit my job for the move as my employer was a small local company.

The plan was to get a job asap before starting a family. Well we got pregnant with DC pretty quickly after..
DC is now 1.5 yo and attends daycare part time. I'm mainly responsible for all DC care and cooking, housekeeping etc as expected.

I don't get any reward for this and DH believes it's my responsibility as it's my 'contribution' to our home. He says if I need more money I need to find paid employment.

I resumed job hunting once DC started daycare. No luck yet.

We never discussed joint accounts etc as I thought the conversation would happen naturally. But currently I am not listed on any of our household documents, not on the mortgage or any bills. DH manages everything. He said there's really no need as he's happy to pay without my help.

We have no joint accounts. I do not know what DH saves or invests. I do not know his earnings etc he would give me a ballpark if I ask. He is in a specialist private sector and I am certain he earns a decent wage.

Is it possible that DH hides these things intentionally so I don't know how much money we have?

DH doesn't believe I should have any expenses apart from food and shelter. He believes doing things like getting my hair done is an unnecessary expense until I can afford to pay myself.

I now use my little savings to pay my CC monthly or to do things for myself. He says thr debt is mine . I'm not a reckless spender. I cann't even afford coffee dates with friends.

I really would like to go back to work as I do enjoy being financially independent and doing things for myself.

Having DC changed me and I completely lost confidence in myself and didn't think I was good enough to find a job. i'm just coming out of that and upskilling but DH somehow believes it's my fault for not finding a job.

I think DH sees me as a financial liability and I wonder if he is 'protecting' his assets so he has control over everything as the sole breadwinner.

I guess I need some advice or opinion on how to make this situation more fair but I don't know how.

YANBU: to request for DH to put me on the mortgage atleast.
And if so what difference will that make if I can't even contribute?.

YABU: DH doesn't need to put you on any documents.

We are legally married (for context regarding any advice). Anyone with any advise or in a similar situation? What's working for you currently?

Thanks for reading!!!

This! It’s completely baffling.

He sounds like an abusive arsehole. Sex & housekeeping free of charge. And what exactly do you get out of it?

This sounds like financial abuse. I'd seek help, do you want to stay with him? As the house was owned before marriage, you may not own half of it, but were you to divorce, you'd be able to get a decent proportion of the asset and accommodation for you and the child would be a high priority for the court. He is a man child who needs to behave responsibly.

He pays for everything. Holidays, dinners etc. Clothes and toys for DC I obviously take charge of but I have to put it on his card. .....But if I ask for a monthly amount would that look like i'm a lazy wife entitled to his money. Is he meant to give me monthly income?

You need to be added to the deeds as co-owner.

See a solicitor about a divorce
Your dh is a bxxxxrd
Exerting financial abuse

He believes doing things like getting my hair done is an unnecessary expense until I can afford to pay myself.

Does he have hair cuts?

It's not his fault I haven't found a job is it so why do I have to ask him to give me a monthly amount out of his own salary. Nothing inhibits my earning I just can't find a job!!! If I did go back to work FT, H will happily cover extra childcare. Do I just keep asking for the things I need money for or request for a monthly salary.
He is not unkind to me in any way just very thrifty with money which I have avoided also talking about due to the sensitivity

Wheres the money for the solicitors gotta come from? ! I won't use my savings for this would I? And where will that leave me. Jobless and homeless?

s he meant to give me monthly income?

No he is meant to give you full access to joint account to spend reasonably eg not gambling but coffeees hair cuts clothes toiletries days out whatever gym spa etc

If he is high earner you should have high earning lifestyle same as him

He cuts his hair himself 😂and also doesn't spend anything on himself. No new clothes until needed etc. Does that give an idea of the bigger picture?

So he’s got you trained not to question him about why you aren’t allowed to get haircuts and the like?? JFC.

You need to talk to a solicitor. You aren't automatically entitled to half of everything as this sounds like a short marriage. Length of marriage absolutely infuences any entitlement.

Call a solicitor ASAP and get your free 30 minutes.

He is unkind to you in a very subtle "i am doing it for your own good do not question me but I pay for everything. You are lucky to have me" way.

Buy gift cards on the credit card and save them up for your escape fund

So if you go to work he will pay a full time childminder

In the meantime why isn’t he paying this to you? Seeing as you are doing the childminding.

You need to get a job and see a solicitor

I agree with all of this.

Sorry, OP, but your husband is not a good guy, and you'd be better off without him.

https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/what-is-economic-abuse/

The money coming into the house is family money, it should fo into one pot to pay bills and stuff for the children and then you both have the same amount to spend

When you get a job, your money will go into at pot as well.

It's called being a team

Excellent point.

I’d hate to hold my breath till he actually pays. OP if you get a job, he’ll make you finance the childcare.

I think a normal set up would be that all his income goes into one account, bills and house savings and family expenses are removed and then you divide the pot in two. Spending money for him and spending money for you. This is made slightly difficult now as your little one goes to nursery so he has taken that barrier away for you able to work. How old are they and when did they start? Before they were at nursery and you couldn't work what was he like?

For example when you do get a job is going to continue to pay everything and yours is just leisure money?

If not, what does he expect you to pay?

Do you have the same earning power?

This man is financially abusive and your life could get a whole lot worse

Will he expect you to cover the nursery bill? Probably and you’ll be left with a few hundred a month

A man who won’t pay for his wife to have coffee is no man in my eyes - scum or lower

What's your cultural background (if there is a polite/PC way to ask that...)? It may have a bearing on your situation.

I moved in with my husband, when we got engaged. Automatically, I was added to the mortgage and the deeds of the house. At the time I worked full-time, and I helped out financially. I couldn't contribute 50/50 because he earns way more than me. Our son was born, and I became a SAHM. Yes, I took on more of caring for our son, cooking, cleaning etc because he worked full-time. We have a joint account and a savings account each. Our finances are transparent, I know my husband's salary etc. You have married a man, who's never ever shared any financially information with you, sees no value on you being on the mortgage or deeds and doesn't share his money with you. You are essentially having to ask him for money, and he won't give you money for having your hair cut etc, as he sees it as unimportant. Of course he's done this deliberately. He's financially isolating you and controlling all the finances. He may think in the event of you splitting, he won't have to share HIS assets, but he'd be wrong, you're married, so it's shared assets. Honestly, you do need to find work, to gain some financial security away from your husband. He's treating you like crap.

You probably should've had this conversation prior to getting married and having a child! Your money should be joint. Perhaps suggest you move out and then he's welcome to do everything himself or he can pay someone to raise his child, cook and clean. Better yet, send him an invoice for your services. Disgusting.

You need to contact Women's aid for advice and support.

This is financially abusing you and is Coercive control as he is keeping you penniless.

This is a crime.

Do not get pregnant again whatever you do.
Does he force you to have sex in any way?

This often tends to be a part of Coercive control too.

A SIPP is a private pension. You are at huge risk of an impoverished old age. I appreciate you are probably still quite young, but the sooner you start, the better it is, that's the way investing works. As a non earner, if you put in £2880 in per year, you get an extra 20% from the government. If you do one lot now, you'll get into the current tax year, then put the next lot in after 6th April.

You can claim child benefit, but then you ask to not receive the actual payment. What that does is keep your NI record complete. The information you need is here: https://www.gov.uk/child-benefit. This is basic stuff, you really need to take charge of your financial situation to ensure you are not disadvantaged.

You don't have access to money? Do you at least get child benefit?

That's financial abuse OP. You've got real problems and need a come to jesus conversation with your husband about separating if this is going to be your lives.