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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should DH add me on the mortgage?

209 replies

Rorymyers · 17/03/2025 15:42

I'm not sure if this is being posted under the right section but I need advice please.

I got married in Jan 2023 and moved to (big) city where DH lives.

Prior to that I lived in a smaller city. Had a decent job. No debts apart from a small bal CC being paid off monthly. I could save etc.

I had to quit my job for the move as my employer was a small local company.

The plan was to get a job asap before starting a family. Well we got pregnant with DC pretty quickly after..
DC is now 1.5 yo and attends daycare part time. I'm mainly responsible for all DC care and cooking, housekeeping etc as expected.

I don't get any reward for this and DH believes it's my responsibility as it's my 'contribution' to our home. He says if I need more money I need to find paid employment.

I resumed job hunting once DC started daycare. No luck yet.

We never discussed joint accounts etc as I thought the conversation would happen naturally. But currently I am not listed on any of our household documents, not on the mortgage or any bills. DH manages everything. He said there's really no need as he's happy to pay without my help.

We have no joint accounts. I do not know what DH saves or invests. I do not know his earnings etc he would give me a ballpark if I ask. He is in a specialist private sector and I am certain he earns a decent wage.

Is it possible that DH hides these things intentionally so I don't know how much money we have?

DH doesn't believe I should have any expenses apart from food and shelter. He believes doing things like getting my hair done is an unnecessary expense until I can afford to pay myself.

I now use my little savings to pay my CC monthly or to do things for myself. He says thr debt is mine . I'm not a reckless spender. I cann't even afford coffee dates with friends.

I really would like to go back to work as I do enjoy being financially independent and doing things for myself.

Having DC changed me and I completely lost confidence in myself and didn't think I was good enough to find a job. i'm just coming out of that and upskilling but DH somehow believes it's my fault for not finding a job.

I think DH sees me as a financial liability and I wonder if he is 'protecting' his assets so he has control over everything as the sole breadwinner.

I guess I need some advice or opinion on how to make this situation more fair but I don't know how.

YANBU: to request for DH to put me on the mortgage atleast.
And if so what difference will that make if I can't even contribute?.

YABU: DH doesn't need to put you on any documents.

We are legally married (for context regarding any advice). Anyone with any advise or in a similar situation? What's working for you currently?

Thanks for reading!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Rorymyers · 17/03/2025 20:18

AliceMcK · 17/03/2025 20:06

I’m a sahm, I’ve not been in paid employment for 10 years, dose that make me a lazy entitled wife? I worked damm hard from having my first job at 13 working multiple jobs most of my adult life, supported my DH early in our marriage before I gave up employment at 38yo. I am no way fucking lazy or entitled!

DHs salary covers everything and a few hundred pound is put into my personal account each month. Most of the time I end up transferring it back into the family pot for things but that’s entirely my choice, that money is mine to do with as I please. I know my DHs income, pensions, mortgage (I’m not on), bills because we are a partnership. If we split up my DH knows that I know my entitlements.

The fact your husband is brushing off your questions tells me your not a team.

If he’s not giving you the details of your families finances as he believes they are just his, then you have a problem and need to think about how you want your marriage to work going forward. You don’t have to leave him but I’d highly recommend you find out your rights and exactly what the “family” finances are one way or another.

Show quote history

Thank you. Wow. Lots to unpack there.

Are you happy being a SAHM. Maybe if I was then I'ld be more content. But having had a job and a career I feel lost. And now my loss of income makes it more obvious thank you so much

OP posts:
Original poster
Rorymyers · 17/03/2025 20:19

Moonnstars · 17/03/2025 15:44

Why have you married someone and had children with them without discussing any of this beforehand? You don't sound like you are partners at all.

Rather than admonish me how about you offer some advice! Thanks for commenting

OP posts:
Original poster
Rorymyers · 17/03/2025 20:21

Upsetbetty · 17/03/2025 15:45

How long did you know him before you got married? How do you not know anything and WHY did you agree to marry him when you have very little financial knowledge etc?

Irrelevant now but thanks for commenting

OP posts:
Original poster
Rorymyers · 17/03/2025 20:23

Mooselooseinmyhoose · 17/03/2025 15:48

There's no point looking at what you should have done before marriage if you're married now.

Going "on the mortgage" only gives you a liability. It doesn't offer you security. The fact that you're married means half of everything is yours.

I wouldn't put myself onto a liability and I'm not sure a bank would add you if you're not earning.

Your bigger issue is.. is this the life you want? With a man who treats you this way? Of course you should have a joint account or access to shared money. My dad in the 80s paid my stay at home mum a "housekeeping" wage which was hers to do with whatever she wanted in recompense for being a stay at home mum.

Are you happy in other ways because this is a huge red flag.

I'm quite happy otherwise and I just need to be sure i'm doing things right as this is all new territory thank you so much. I'll be having a conversation with him

OP posts:
gamerchick · 17/03/2025 20:24

You know OP, you're coming across as assertive on here. Channel that into getting your bloke on the beam when he starts to bamboozle your head. You have a goal and you want some coin of your own. You also want to know what going to work will look like on terms of childcare/ illness/ housework etc and if you aren't getting child benefit or even your stamp paid then that needs sorting asap.

Original poster
Rorymyers · 17/03/2025 20:25

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 17/03/2025 16:00

Whatever he thinks, half the assets are yours. He has no value for you or what you do, certainly doesn't love you. He's a grade 1 prick.

As soon as you get a job, if you intend to stay with this bellend, you need to sit down and cut each set of household and childcare tasks in half, at the moment he is an absolute freeloader getting all your labour for such tiny contribution.

I agree thank you.

OP posts:
RandomWordsThrownTogether · 17/03/2025 20:25

You really need to sort out children’s allowance - if you are not signed up for it you will have no national insurance contributions for the time you are out if work which will mean you are losing years off your state pension. It doesn’t matter if the money has to be paid back in your partner’s taxes or if you claim without taking the money - pension years are really really important. Please sign up now before a new tax year starts. https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/child-benefit/help-with-your-child-benefit-claim/how-to-claim-child-benefit/

As other’s have said this behaviour falls under financial abuse. I would echo what people have said about speaking to women's aid! You should have access to money and not have to ask permission.

Think of what you have sacrificed for your partner - your career, mental health, body and it seems pension contributions. You moved for him, carried his child and stayed home looking after his child - if you hadn’t done that you would still be in your chosen career getting your hair cut whenever you wished and have a healthier pension for when you retire. He on the other hand hasn’t sacrificed anything for his marriage or child. He is not treating you like a partner.

How to claim Child Benefit

Check how to claim Child Benefit and what documents you’ll need. Find out how and when you’ll get paid.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/child-benefit/help-with-your-child-benefit-claim/how-to-claim-child-benefit/

Original poster
Rorymyers · 17/03/2025 20:26

ShhhhhItsASurprise · 17/03/2025 16:01

Are you a person?

Show quote history

What else could I possibly be. I do really need the advice unfortunately else I won't be here bothering the good people on MN

OP posts:
Tgfh · 17/03/2025 20:27

A man that won't give you a penny for yourself is not going to look after you financially.

Are you registered for child benefit so your stamp is paid?

This is not a man to trust for one minute.

Original poster
Rorymyers · 17/03/2025 20:29

Tgfh · 17/03/2025 20:27

A man that won't give you a penny for yourself is not going to look after you financially.

Are you registered for child benefit so your stamp is paid?

This is not a man to trust for one minute.

We tried getting child benefit but there's a salary threshold which his wages exceed so in essence we should be paying the government but it cancels out hence we can't claim and pay nothing. I would find a link

OP posts:
AliceMcK · 17/03/2025 20:30

Rorymyers · 17/03/2025 20:18

Thank you. Wow. Lots to unpack there.

Are you happy being a SAHM. Maybe if I was then I'ld be more content. But having had a job and a career I feel lost. And now my loss of income makes it more obvious thank you so much

Show quote history

Yes I am. I was never particularly career focused more I worked to live rather than lived to work. I was very happy when we (as a team) made the decision for me to stay home. If I ever go back to work it will be a part time to keep me occupied type role as my DCs get older. Right now though I have 2 in primary and one in high school, I do school runs for all, they also have full social lives and after school activities that I chauffeur them to and from. On quiet days I’m free to take them to the park or get an ice cream afterschool etc.. I have no restrictions like I would if I worked. And just to be clear we are not financially well off, we budget and scrape along to have this lifestyle, DH was earning £28k a year when we first made this decision.

Original poster
Rorymyers · 17/03/2025 20:32

LurkyMcLurkinson · 17/03/2025 16:08

Is he abusive in other ways or just financially?

I looked in detail and no nothing rings true apart from the last parts of the economic section thankfully

OP posts:
Original poster
Rorymyers · 17/03/2025 20:36

JaninaDuszejko · 17/03/2025 16:27

Don't worry about being on the mortgage, as his wife and especially having a child with him you'll be entitled to a share of the house and his pension.

Firstly, and most importantly, start claiming child benefit NOW so you get years towards your state pension. Tell him if he earns over £60K he'll need to declare it on his self assessment but it's really important you get credit for the years you're not working so you don't end up in poverty in old age.

Secondly, tell him you want him to start paying into a pension for you, since you're not earning he can put £2,880 in per year. There are tax benefits if he does this so if he doesn't that will tell you all you need to know about how financially abusive he is.

Thirdly, start looking for a full time job in earnest, ideally you want to be completely financially independent of him. You had a good job before, you will be able to find one again x. You should start investigating childcare options as well. If your DH doesn't want to pay for childcare remind him he effectively gets a tax rebate (this will help you gauge his income, on a very high salary he won't be eligible for tax free childcare but you should apply anyway and get him to provide any evidence if he's not eligible).

Fourthly, if he doesn't buck up his ideas and start providing gor you adequately then you need to divorce him for financial abuse. Hopefully when you start talking about it with him he'll come to his senses but if he doesn't you need independence and a court to decide how much he has to give you.

Thanks for your comment. It means a lot especially

. You should start investigating childcare options as well. If your DH doesn't want to pay for childcare remind him he effectively gets a tax rebate (this will help you gauge his income, on a very high salary he won't be eligible for tax free childcare but you should apply anyway and get him to provide any evidence if he's not eligible).

How does this benefit mw. We checked and are ineligible due to the salary threshold

OP posts:
Original poster
Rorymyers · 17/03/2025 20:37

PinkyFlamingo · 17/03/2025 16:06

About what? You were asked a question

Show quote history

MN keeps messing my quotes haha. Gosh the page keeps jumping and I end up responding to the wrong Pp. I'm not a bot I promise lol

OP posts:
Rosesanddaffs · 17/03/2025 20:38

It sounds like he considers his money to be solely his. I’m sorry but he sounds like an arsehole, you are his wife, not his maid!

He sounds very much like my ex-husband and unfortunately when there’s this kind of financial abuse its a very rocky road ahead xx

Original poster
Rorymyers · 17/03/2025 20:38

coxesorangepippin · 17/03/2025 15:49

You need to get a job and get on the mortgage

If he doesn't put you on the mortgage, get a job and then leave him

He's fleecing you, big time.

Got it!!! I do need a job. I probably didn't highlight it enough in my thread.

OP posts:
Iwanttoputmytreeup · 17/03/2025 20:40

@Rorymyers It's not purely about the actual money coming in from child benefit. Irrelevant of what he earns you need to claim it in your name, he will get it deducted through his tax code BUT it gives you a National Insurance contribution for every year you don't get one from work. You need to get, I think, 35 full years of contribution or you won't get (a full) state pension in your own right.

Original poster
Rorymyers · 17/03/2025 20:42

Emanresuunknown · 17/03/2025 16:58

OP how certain are you that you are legally married? The whole thing just sounds odd, why would you marry someone without having some of these discussions. If you aren't on any paperwork, how much did you involve yourself with the legal aspects of wedding arrangements? Being a 'homemaker' is a very vulnerable position to be in and I'm concerned you sound quite naive to have got to the point of marriage and having a child with a man without having had these more serious discussions. How certain are you that you are legally married? Did you go and give notice of your intention to marry etc at the register office?

Show quote history

Are you asking if i'm sure of the legality of the marriage? I was there so yes i say I'm pretty sure and I have all the docs and we did go through the process together. What a weird angle.

I didn't have these discussions because I was under the impression that getting a job would be a breeze and we would have joint accounts and all and the conversation would arise then. But things have taken a different turn since i'm been unable to find work. Hence mt thread. Thanks for commenting

OP posts:
Original poster
Rorymyers · 17/03/2025 20:45

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/03/2025 16:32

Not giving you any access to family money is financial abuse. Its really not normal for one party to the marriage to have a decent amount of the disposable income and the other to have nothing above food and shelter. Really not OK. Adding you to the mortgage just means the debt is yours, which won't help.

Is he willing to pay for childcare and do half of pick ups drop offs sick days etc to support you getting a job? As getting a kid settled into childcare whilst you settle into work is tricky, lots of nursery bugs etc

Yes he does pick ups and all and works from home FT except work trips. He has also mentioned he is happy to pay for an extra hand if the need arises for eg if DC is home unwell. He's happy to foot any extra bills as long as they're not mine. He's also supportive with me finding a job but mainly so I can have 'my' money and not depend on him. Thanks for commenting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rorymyers · 17/03/2025 20:49

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 17/03/2025 16:36

The job is the key thing. You have zero leverage at present.

I'm going to go slightly against the grain here, if the agreement was that you'd get a new job and haven't, he's probably annoyed about that.

Having said that, the lack of transparency around finances is not good.

You need to talk to him properly. What does your expected take home pay look like compared to his? Let's say you start working again, same salary as him, same hours.

At that point, you'd both need to be paying 50% and doing 50% as a starting point.

Talk to him! You're married, you should be transparent with each other.

I used to earn about half of what he earns. Thank you very very much for not giving me any criticism..... I did ask him casually and he mentioned he couldn't put my name as he got the home before he met me clearly and he is due to remortgage in 2 years and would be adding my name then.

OP posts:
heroinechic · 17/03/2025 20:50

I don’t think the mortgage/deeds thing is a big deal. I owned a house before I met DH and I’ve never even considered putting him on the deeds and mortgage, why would I? In fact, we’re moving shortly and I’m buying the new home in my name only - mainly because his credit score is crap and we don’t need a big mortgage so can afford it on my own. None of it matters. We’re married, so he has matrimonial rights. I cannot force him out the house without a court order even if I wanted to. If we were to divorce, the house would be considered to be a matrimonial asset and he has a claim over some of it (if not half of it).

However, all of our money is shared (my salary pays all bills and we live off his salary). There is no asking each other for money, it’s understood between us that it is ours and it’s been that way since we had a child.

It doesn't sound like your DH respects you as an equal partner. He isn’t sharing information with you or discussing financial matters or decisions.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 17/03/2025 20:50

Rorymyers · 17/03/2025 20:32

I looked in detail and no nothing rings true apart from the last parts of the economic section thankfully

Show quote history

In that case I think you need to have a frank discussion with him and explain that his behaviour is financially abusive and outline basic expectations of him, including adding you to the mortgage, a full disclosure of your family finances, you claiming and repaying child benefit (to gain qualifying years for your state pension)
and you being able to have your needs for basic material items met consistently. It also may help him to see things more clearly if you talk to friends and family about how they manage family finances and highlight how poorly and disrespectfully he treats you compared to how other men treat their partners.

Clearingaspace · 17/03/2025 20:51

Rorymyers · 17/03/2025 20:29

We tried getting child benefit but there's a salary threshold which his wages exceed so in essence we should be paying the government but it cancels out hence we can't claim and pay nothing. I would find a link

Show quote history

You/your dh won’t be getting extra income from claiming the child benefit right now but you will be earning ‘years’ on your national insurance record if you claim child benefit in your name while you are not employed - this will help you to be eligible for the full state pension in old age https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/benefits/benefits-if-you-have-children/protecting-your-state-pension-when-you-have-a-baby

Frostynoman · 17/03/2025 20:52

Rorymyers · 17/03/2025 19:42

My phone bill is in my name which he pays for so yes I do have a line of credit already. I also have a small CC. Yes i'm quite young and my initial post was to get life advice but changed to AIBU. I didn't think I was entitled to his earnings as he is providing everything I need. Holidays. Birthday gifts etc. But I have no money of my own. I didn't want to think i was entitled esp as he pays for everything else

Show quote history

He is NOT providing everything.

He moved you away from your secure income.

You should not have to go cap in hand asking for x, y or z for yourself - he sounds controlling with a good front to him.

Farmwifefarmlife · 17/03/2025 20:53

Rorymyers · 17/03/2025 19:29

We don't have a joint account. His explanation is that why do I need to stress to see what we have going out and coming in when i'm not able to make any contribution yer. Almost saying I should not worry about finance but focus on getting a job. But I do not think that's sustainable as the Job is hard to get and essentially if it doesn't corne then I won't have any money.

Thanks for commenting

What sort of job are you looking for ?