AIBU to try and stop DD driving mammoth journey?

[sunnyday2025]

DD 17 passed her driving test last month. She has a small old car and is driving herself to school and back.

She has just announced that she is going to drive 7 hours (each way) to pick her brother and his mates up from university for Easter.

The journey is pretty much motorway the whole way there and I am terrified. We don’t know anyone she she can stay with either to break the journey up.

Her plan is to drive down one day, stay over and come back next day. Nothing I can say will sway her from doing it.

So many things worrying me
her car is old
never driven a lengthy journey or driven on a motorway for more than an hour
her brother and mates distracting her

If she is insistent on doing it how can I ensure her journey is as safe as possible?

The issue here isn’t her age or the age that you can legally drive it’s the fact she’s a new driver planning on taking a long, difficult journey.

The same with the legal age of consent it’s just an age the law deems you have the mental capacity to consent to sex. The two situations have absolutely nothing to do with each other 🤷

I was referring to the fact that people are saying because she is 17 she is technically not an adult therefore its acceptable to take her car away, hide her car keys etc. It got me thinking how it's all a bit odd that you can become a mother and drive at 17 but still not drink alcohol or vote or be considered an adult and it got me thinking how strange it is that its staggered between 16 and 18 when everything could just be moved to 18. Thats all!

There's a campaign to bring in a graduated driving licence, set up by a mum who lost her son in a tragic driving accident. It really does highlight the fact that ppl are not fully mature aged 17 / 18.

And ppl limiting the sort of driving their young, newly qualified drivers dc do has always been a thing.
Can you discuss that with her?

7hrs in one go is one hell of a long journey to do on 2 consecutive days

Yabu. If she is old enough to drive and competent enough to pass her test and her car is taxed, insured and has an in date MOT certificate then let her do it. She is old enough to go to war, she can manage 7 hours on the motorway. She can stop at service stations like every other driver.
Maybe get breakdown insurance if you are worried about the car, but you need to trust her eventually.

Exactly. I do not understand the passivity.

"No, sorry, that's too arduous for a new driver. Perhaps next year."

Teens don't get complete autonomy if they are dependent upon their parents for most of life's needs. Just say no.

I had this OP, DS passed his test on the Tuesday and announced on the Friday that he was going to visit his best friend in Bath. For context we live in the Scottish borders.

Terrified doesn't come close, I was an absolute wreck. He was absolutely fine, came back having realised our version of busy up here isn't anything compared to the M5/M6 and 5 years later still thinks nothing of jumping in his car to go anywhere. His uni was 4 hours away from home so motorways don't phase him.

In your shoes I'd be confiding in your DS and getting him to tweak the dates of his home coming. Don't let on to your Dd until Ds unexpectedly arrives at the local train station where Dd can collect him. Mine would understand and go along with it stating that petrol is really expensive and they didn't want to put her out etc. Dd might be miffed, but she'll get over it.

I did stuff like this when I just passed my test - in a crappy old car. I think you have to have a chat about staying focussed, how many breaks she'll have - or offer to go with her.

Exactly this. In that length of journey the odds are she will encounter at least one significant hold up. We sat for nearly two hours on the M11 last week, a three hour journey became five.

This! The biggest issue is the length of the journey and the huge risk of falling asleep. She needs to stop to take a break every 2 hours.

I think it's absolutely insane(!!!!) to do this as a new driver. Do everything you can to stop her.

I say this as a very experienced driver of 20+ years who regularly drives long distances.

I would insist that she drove with me to a destination 3 and a half hours away (and then drove me back) to ensure that she fully comprehended how exhausting a 7 hour car journey is before I would let her collect her brother at Easter.

I’d be worried too. Can she get a friend to go along with her. If not
, just sure the car can make the journey. I hope it’s a day drive and not night driving.

I have never managed to drive to Scotland in one day. I've always stayed in a hotel half way. It's too much as she will find out. Where is she driving from?

I think you need to get your son to tell her no.

3 lads in a car for a boring 7 hours are going to mess about and she will be distracted by them.

The longest she's ever driven will probably be, what, 2 hours? And only with one other person in the car

She also needs to consider what she would do in a worst case scenario, where she breaks down or is delayed by a major hold up on the motorway and can't get there in one day. Where would she spend the night? Under 18s can't stay alone in a Premier or Travelodge, for example.

My friends live in NZ and I think they have a similar system there. It certainly makes sense.

Honestly it's a mad plan and please do what you can to stop her (speak to your son to change homecoming dates/ hide her keys etc if she doesn't listen to reason).

I'm nearly 40 years old and my parents still worry when I drive 8 hours to see them in Germany and I've been driving 20+ years.

Honestly, I find motorway driving much easier than other kinds of long distance driving. Etiquette is the same everywhere and people generally behave predictably and sensibly. Give me a motorway over an A road with thousands of roundabouts or an unfamiliar town centre any day!
I agree with pp that arranging a supervised trial trip with motorway driving (DD, I need a lift to Meadowhall!) is a good shout.

If she is still insistent on doing the trip after that, I'd recommend looking at the journey on Google maps and marking out which services she will stop at for breaks/meals/fuel. I would also look at the sunset time and make sure she leaves early enough to get there before dark with at least 2 stops.

On top of that, I would make sure she has roadside breakdown cover, plenty of money for fuel, and that she knows you will cover the cost if they need to stop overnight at a Travelodge on the way back (after inevitably leaving 3 hours later than planned).

Good grief. That would be a hell of an undertaking for an experienced driver,never mind someone who has only just passed their test!

Motorway driving is not the issue (I agree with you on that) but the length of the journey is too risky for an inexperienced driver.

What would something like that do in this situation? Would it be the length of time driving, motorway driving or having passengers?

I definitely think there should be rules about teenage drivers carrying other young passengers. Clearly plenty of 17/18 year olds can be safe and competent drivers (they have to pass a test to demonstrate this) but it seems a lot of this goes out the window with big groups of teens together in a car, especially young men.

I would think this should become law. Especially after the awful case in north Wales last year.
Sorry op I don't want you to worry more!

I would have a quiet word with your son and tell him about your worries. Offer him the train fare to get home. It’s a sneaky idea but if it looks like he has changed his mind then she won’t have to do the long journey. Also look into an advanced driving course so that your daughter gets more experience.

If you (or others) think so, please write to your MP and tell them - the charity RoadPeace may have a template letter. It's not currently on the agenda for this parliament although it was for the previous government until an election was called

Have asked DS to make alternative plans which he grumbled about but I think took on board. Don’t want to helicopter parent but I have the contact details for the parents of the friend proposing to travel back with
them and I will voice my concerns to them if it comes to that.

A big issue is Ex. Whilst he doesn’t necessarily like what DD is proposing he thinks a chat about the journey is all that is needed. He’s never been able to say no to her and will be of the opinion that if she’s going to do it anyway….

Most worrying is that she now says she is going to break the journey up on way down staying over in a hotel. Lone teenager in hotel in an unfamiliar area - what can possibly go wrong!

My offer to her is to get much more driving experience over the summer with lots of medium length motorway journeys, then reassess when DS goes back in September. Surely that’s a reasonable compromise?