AIBU to try and stop DD driving mammoth journey?

[sunnyday2025]

DD 17 passed her driving test last month. She has a small old car and is driving herself to school and back.

She has just announced that she is going to drive 7 hours (each way) to pick her brother and his mates up from university for Easter.

The journey is pretty much motorway the whole way there and I am terrified. We don’t know anyone she she can stay with either to break the journey up.

Her plan is to drive down one day, stay over and come back next day. Nothing I can say will sway her from doing it.

So many things worrying me
her car is old
never driven a lengthy journey or driven on a motorway for more than an hour
her brother and mates distracting her

If she is insistent on doing it how can I ensure her journey is as safe as possible?

Presuming she will be coming from somewhere north of the Midlands, I find it unlikely that the M5 round Bristol will mean she (and by that I mean any driver) can do this in the 'forecast' time, and I presume that is literally driving time, and doesn't take account of stops along the way.

I've been driving for decades and am confident to drive on motorways and in new areas and in following the Sat Nav, but I wouldn't consider driving that far in one day, let alone doing the same journey home again the next day.

She's brave, OP. Motorways should be pretty straightforward but that's a long journey,

Is it definitely 7 hours or have you factored in stops and delays?

The motorway wouldn't bother me as much as the 7 hours. And if my DDs older brother asked her to do that I would also be pissed off that he'd think it was OK as well

You have a good point there. A car full of people for her first/second time on the motorway is not the best plan. Have you spoken to your son about it? Told him your concerns? There’s not much you can do if all of them are ok with it.

I disagree that current motorways are safer roads. I think smart motorways are awful. I regularly drove from the north to Heathrow and I’m so glad I don’t have to anymore.

This. Driving is not physically exhausting but it’s mentally exhausting. You can’t afford to have even a momentary lapse of concentration or it could be fatal, for you or someone else. That’s a helluva long time to be concentrating, especially if you’re inexperienced on roads you’re not familiar with.

When I was 18, I drove 5 hours to collect my friend from University (and then 5 hours back with her in the same day) in my 16 year old car, so it’s perfectly doable if she’s confident.

As others have said, make sure she has breakdown cover and knows to stop if/when necessary - I was driving before the proliferation of mobile ‘phones, but there was a prepay-phonecard equivalent I had to use public telephones in case of emergency, so with her ‘phone and breakdown cover she should be fine.

It’ll be an adventure at her age - now when I visit family 4 hours away, I need to stop at least 2 nights to make it worthwhile to me! 😆

I also disagree with some points above.

Motorways are not safer roads. You might be driving safely, the idiot cutting you up at 85mph isn’t.

If you passed your test years ago and thought nothing of driving long distances, todays roads are far, far busier, and with angrier, more harassed and impatient drivers in my opinion.

This. I passed my test on a Tuesday and drove 150 miles on motorways on the Friday.

Why can't you stop her? She's 17 and dependent on you.
Tell her no bloody way is such an inexperienced driver doing such a foolhardy thing. And that there'll be serious consequences if she attempts to defy you on this.

Then call her brother and tell him under no circumstances is is getting a lift with his sister and he needs to make other arrangements.

What's wrong with people buying 17 year old cars and then letting them do anything.
Be the parent.

Get her one of those phone holders that stick to the windscreen so she can use satnav safely. A plug in car usb charger would be good too.

Make sure she knows how to do exits and that it’s always safer to miss one than rush it / take risks.

Look at the route with her and plan stops so she doesn’t have to decide on the day. No car of teenagers is going to pass up a McDonald’s.

Yes can you try talk your son out of it. Is he not able to take a train etc rather than his sister picking him up?

One of my best friends got entirely finished off in a road accident at a young age. Personally I would buy a wheelclamp, lock it on the car and hide the key.

Not ideal and I would hate it. Other than trying to talk her out of it, is I think all you can do is make sure she has breakdown cover, experiment if motorway driving, planning the journey. She also needs to make sure her car is ready for long distances, so make sure the tyres are at the correct pressure (and that she knows what this is and how to know where to look for it, usually the driver door), that she has plenty fuel, water and jacket in the car in case of breakdown.

Yep this is what should happen if she is insisting on defying you.

I think you need to take her on a motorway and teach her re joining and changing lanes. I also think you need to talk to her about how her car will handle differently full compared to just her. I'd also help her check her tyres, oil, windscreen fluid etc. And plan where she might stop during the journey and how driving tired can impair you. I also think that it's a great idea to add her brother to her insurance for a few days so he can take turns driving on the way home.

You don't need to talk your son out of it you just need to bloody tell him it's not happening.

She's 17.

They are both dependents.

I parent in a different universe to you all when I say no and I'm deadly serious that's the end of it.

This doesn't sound like a good plan. As others have said, is it a 7 hour drive, just driving, or have you included breaks into this time? Is the route notorious for traffic/accidents which would make it even longer?
Also when is it she plans on doing this drive date wise? Is it one of those times when everyone is off on holiday meaning more traffic?

I would also be concerned about what happens when she gets there. Is she going to get a good sleep and rest? Where is she planning on staying? If with brother is it on the sofa? Did tshe intend on going on socialising with them to get a taste of uni life? Possibility of drinking/late night?

I wouldn't want to do this journey as someone in my 30s!

Shes 17 and drives. Physically impossible to stop her.

I was happily bombing up and down to London from the north when I'd not long passed my test. However it was just me in the car.
I wouldn't be happy with brother and his mates in the car

Can her brother drive? Can she add him to the insurance so he can do some of the driving back?
You can get short term temporary insurance if needs be.

I don't think you can stop her, but if the Sat nav says it'll take 7 hours you need to add another 2 for breaks as she should be stopping every 3 hours at lest. It's concentrating on driving for this long that's the main issue.

As long as she has breakdown cover I wouldn't worry about the age of the car. Reliable cars are one's that are well maintained and looked after not always newer.

It's a bit of a trial by fire, but if she's not a daredevil, it seems unlikely she'll come to much harm. The kids who have serious car crashes in their first year or two tend to be young male drivers who are driving too fast, or showing off for their mates or kids driving on drink/drugs.

If you can afford it, a post license lesson or two from an advanced instructor, focused on motorway driving, maybe night driving if she hasn't done much, navigating a new urban road system, etc. might help and put your mind at ease.

Suggest it might be more pleasant going up a day earlier so she can have a day with her brother rather than driving back the very next day. Get her to set off early. Check the car over with her a few days before she goes and again on the morning of the trip if you've had to refill anything, top up the tyres, etc. Make sure she knows what to do if she breaks down. Maybe get her an old fashioned car atlas in case she can't get signal on her phone at some point. Remind her not to drive tired. To take plenty of breaks even if it means arriving very, very late. Her brother can stay up for her if he's getting a ride!

But mainly - don't panic about it. It will be tiring and likely take her significantly longer than 7 hours. But it's all just driving. It isn't something she hasn't done before. It's just more of it. She'll come back a more competent driver than she was before she went. It's a good way to really consolidate skills.

I suspect she doesn't understand the reality of driving so far, for so long.
I with the hide the keys posters, AND telling your older, (hopefully more sensible once the negatives are pointed out to him), son to find another way home

Presumably if he is already at uni, he is older. He is an adult. It is his decision who he feels safe to get in a car with.

At what point do you plan to stop trying to control your adult children?

Don't be ridiculous.
She can only drive if she has access to a car.

And if she wants to face all the consequences of going against her mother's clear direction.

Also she only has a reason if her brother goes along with it against his mother's direction.

My kids would not do this if they knew i was very serious, and I find concerning that any kids would defy their mother on something like this.

Such weak helpless parenting.

This is what it states online.

• Graduated Licensing:
• While there are no immediate restrictions, the AA and other motoring groups have suggested that new drivers, particularly those under 21, should be restricted from carrying passengers of similar ages for the first six months.
• They would like this to become law.