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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to try and stop DD driving mammoth journey?

206 replies

sunnyday2025 · 13/03/2025 17:54

DD 17 passed her driving test last month. She has a small old car and is driving herself to school and back.

She has just announced that she is going to drive 7 hours (each way) to pick her brother and his mates up from university for Easter.

The journey is pretty much motorway the whole way there and I am terrified. We don’t know anyone she she can stay with either to break the journey up.

Her plan is to drive down one day, stay over and come back next day. Nothing I can say will sway her from doing it.

So many things worrying me
her car is old
never driven a lengthy journey or driven on a motorway for more than an hour
her brother and mates distracting her

If she is insistent on doing it how can I ensure her journey is as safe as possible?

OP posts:
CassiasC · 13/03/2025 22:01

ExIssues · 13/03/2025 20:43

Obvious survivors bias here. The 3 of my 4 friends who were killed aged 17 and 18 when the car one of them was driving crashed are obviously not on this thread but if they could speak from the grave they would give a different perspective. The one who survived has severe brain damage so can't comment on the thread either

I agree. When I was just a bit older than the op’s daughter I lived in a country where drink driving was common. I have been on many, many nights out that involved being a passenger in the back of a car hurtling down country lanes driven by someone who’s had a skinfull. Never so much as a near miss. None of those drivers felt there was an issue, clearly.

What the op’s daughter is proposing isn’t the same thing at all, but saying you drove ten hours in a day and it was fine doesn’t mean it’s not risky.

DisappearingGirl · 13/03/2025 22:02

Oh wow I wouldn't like this either OP. I don't think it's a safe start to long distance driving.

How you stop her I'm not sure.

I wish we would bring in what the AA suggested recently - that drivers aged under 21 should be prevented from carrying passengers of a similar age for their first six months after passing their test.

RawBloomers · 13/03/2025 22:31

sunnyday2025 · 13/03/2025 21:49

There are so many red flags I don’t know where to start.

shes’s an overly confident driver. Even her dad says so,

she’ll be out with DS the night she gets there. No way will she get a decent night’s sleep

only 4 seats in car, 3 to be taken by DS and mates. No room for me or her dad.

She won’t be able to focus for that amount of time. I’ve done that journey several times and it’s brutal

Over confidence is a concern. It’s pretty much the biggest flag for accidents by young drivers. But that is much more of an issue than this one trip. While this trip is a worry because it adds a whole bunch of things together, stopping the trip doesn’t get rid of the risk she presents. She’s a risk every time she gets in the car. This is something you needed to work on much earlier (and you may have, you may have ameliorated the risk by a huge amount, just not as much as you want to have).

You could up the stakes, threaten her that you won’t pay for X or Y if she does it. change the WiFi password. Ban friends from staying over, etc. But at this age those sorts of high stakes gambits are a failure. If you can’t persuade her and have to use your power to enforce your decisions on her, you’ve lost the longer game. I really think all you can do is try to make sure you have given her the best advice you can in the way she is most likely to really hear it and help her make sure her car is in the best state it can be for the journey.

gingertodgers · 13/03/2025 22:38

sunnyday2025 · 13/03/2025 22:00

DS isn’t that bothered to be fair. He’d happily get a train home. It’s DD who is hell bent on proving how grown up and independent she is. It’s exhausting

This in itself shows she's very immature. She wants to do it to prove a point and doesn't comprehend how difficult it will actually be. If it were something that wouldn't potentially put her and other people's lives at risk I'd tell her to crack on and find out.

Has she any idea what to do in an emergency situation? If the car broke down? If she was diverted? The checks she needs to do to the car before such a massive journey? These things probably haven't even crossed her optimistic mind.

It's great that she's confident but it isn't just her who will be at risk if there's a problem. It's her passengers and other road users. I would hide her keys.

DancefloorAcrobatics · 13/03/2025 22:48

Take her out for a day... find a destination 2-3 hours away including motorway, have some fun and drive back.
1-2 days later have the conversation about tiredness and driving 7 hours!

PS: I did a little weekend trip from North London to Dartmoor in my first car. but I only took one sensible friend....

cheeseismydownfall · 13/03/2025 23:02

Newly qualified drivers with a car full of passengers of similar age are four times more likely to be in a fatal crash, compared with when driving alone.

I am a very relaxed parent but I would be extremely unhappy about this, and would go to considerable lengths to prevent it. If the car is registered in your name I would sell it because she clearly cannot be trusted to exercise good judgement.

MimiGC · 13/03/2025 23:21

I'd definitely put a stop to this (hide the car keys if you have to). Driving 7 hours in one day is excessive even for a very experienced driver and not to be recommended for a novice, especially one who might be tempted to show off to others.

Unrealnotunrealistic · 13/03/2025 23:29

sunnyday2025 · 13/03/2025 21:49

There are so many red flags I don’t know where to start.

shes’s an overly confident driver. Even her dad says so,

she’ll be out with DS the night she gets there. No way will she get a decent night’s sleep

only 4 seats in car, 3 to be taken by DS and mates. No room for me or her dad.

She won’t be able to focus for that amount of time. I’ve done that journey several times and it’s brutal

It’s the bit about her being out the night before and lack of sleep that worries me.

DazedAndConfused321 · 13/03/2025 23:31

Birdseyetrifle · 13/03/2025 18:19

I passed my test. Went home (navy) the next day and picked my little mini up and drive from East Sussex to Helton in Cornwall.

This was before sat nav, had a load of post it notes with directions and 34 years later I’m still alive. She will be fine.

This is great and all but roads were very different 34 years ago

Bimblebombzle · 13/03/2025 23:40

Can you not talk to your DS about the concerns and get him to say nah I don't need a lift. As an older brother surely he should be protective.

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 14/03/2025 01:24

If your son isn't that bothered OP, then get him to tell her he's changed his plans and is going somewhere else before coming home, so there's no point her coming up to collect him. Then he and his friends can get the train home.

Does she have a black box for her insurance OP? As if she has, she'll likely have her insurance withdrawn if she's driving too fast/badly. Possibly even too many hours. Here's some info:

An insurance company might withdraw coverage from a driver with a black box if the device records repeated speeding, erratic driving, or other violations of the policy's terms, potentially leading to a cancellation or increased premiums.

Here's a more detailed explanation:

Repeated Speeding or Erratic Driving:
If the black box consistently detects speeding, harsh braking, or other risky driving behaviours, the insurer may consider the driver a higher risk and cancel the policy or increase premiums.

Violation of Policy Terms:
Some black box policies include specific terms and conditions, such as mileage limits or curfew restrictions. If the driver exceeds these limits or violates other rules, the insurer may cancel the policy.

Non-Disclosure:
If the driver fails to disclose relevant information about their driving history or other factors that could impact the risk assessment, the insurer may cancel the policy.

Tampering with the Device:
Tampering with or removing the black box can also lead to policy cancellation, as it could indicate a lack of willingness to comply with the terms of the agreement.

Mileage Discrepancies:
If the insurer detects that the driver is driving significantly more or less than the agreed-upon mileage, they may cancel the policy or increase premiums.

Driving at the wrong time:
Some policies may have a curfew, during the hours of which you may be penalised for driving.

Not attending a subsequent inspection appointment:
If you do not attend a subsequent inspection appointment your Insurance Policy may be cancelled.

I think now that you've made it very clear that she is just trying to prove how clever she is, by planning this extremely long drive, and that she's also likely to go out with your son and friends, rather than getting sleep in between journey's, I think in your shoes, I would tell her she cancels the trip, or you are going to sell the car. No argument, and mean it!

bozzabollix · 14/03/2025 06:28

namechangetheworld · 13/03/2025 21:07

Passing a 40 minute driving test doesn't mean much, just that she managed to successfully navigate around a small area that she's probably driven countless times before in her lessons.

It doesn't suddenly equip her with the experience needed to take on to a 15 hour round motoway journey with a group of teenage boys pissing around in the back. You have to work up to those kind of journeys, especially at 17 years old.

As a driving instructor I’d agree with this. Some instructors stick firmly to test routes that they learn by rote almost. I’m lucky enough to be fairly near faster dual carriageways and motorways so they go on both before the test. So one of mine possibly yes, one of the ones taught purely on test routes no.

My other feeling about this is that statistically motorways are safest, rural roads are worse for fatalities, so I do have mixed feelings over your daughter. On one hand motorways are pretty regimented and safe, but it’s a long time at seven hours. But I love her confidence and it seems a shame to quash it.

My son will be seventeen later in the year and will want to do a six hour journey up to the Lakes at some point. During learning we will do a lot of motorways. Maybe more motorway lessons?

Arrivals4lucky · 14/03/2025 06:30

That would be a big ask for an experienced driver never mind a young and inexperienced one.
if she can’t spilt driving with brother I’d be worried.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/03/2025 06:39

I think seven hours is too long for anyone to drive in a day to be honest. I’d be worried too.

Barney16 · 14/03/2025 06:40

I would get her car serviced, buy breakdown cover and set her free. She will have Google maps on her phone so she will definitely get there.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 14/03/2025 06:44

I would worry she would drink too much on the I ernight at uni and be in no fit state to drive the next day. It's a lot.

WonderingWanda · 14/03/2025 06:53

I don't think the motorway is the issue it's the length of the journey. Even as an experienced driver that's a long and exhausting drive. On a drive that long she is highly likely to be going past major cities and hit rush hour traffic as well do what starts as 7 hrs could easily become more.

I would take her out and get her to drive for at least 2 - 3 hrs solid on the motorway (out and back) and see how she feels about doing that 3 times in a row.

theresbeautyinwindysun · 14/03/2025 07:09

I’m amazed at all this ‘tempting her out of it’ nonsense too - at 17! The answer is no. You live with me as a dependent, you’re under 18, I’m making the decision as a more-informed responsible parent!

Moonnstars · 14/03/2025 07:10

sunnyday2025 · 13/03/2025 21:49

There are so many red flags I don’t know where to start.

shes’s an overly confident driver. Even her dad says so,

she’ll be out with DS the night she gets there. No way will she get a decent night’s sleep

only 4 seats in car, 3 to be taken by DS and mates. No room for me or her dad.

She won’t be able to focus for that amount of time. I’ve done that journey several times and it’s brutal

This is definitely worrying. Is she planning on drinking when there? Has she seen how long alcohol lasts in the blood stream and how long you need to wait before driving after drinking?

I would be telling son to tell his friends to not go with her, firstly to avoid distractions but also if something did happen would you be able to live with knowing your daughter was responsible for them coming to harm.

Is there a learn2live conference near where you live? This roadshow is aimed at 16-18 year olds and tells the effects of dangers of driving. They have people come in and talk about how it effected their lives e.g. bereaved parents.

Bunnybear42 · 14/03/2025 07:12

YANBU. 7 hours each way is madness for such an inexperienced driver. Whilst I’m an easygoing parent generally i would be absolutely against this and agree with a pp that as she is only 17 surely you can just say no, not this time ? People may say motorways are safer than A roads .. however in the event of an impact the consequences could be much more serious due to high speeds travelled.
also my goodness there are some absolute idiots on the roads. Hope you can help her see sense it’s tough getting through to a 17 year old

Wardrobegoblin · 14/03/2025 07:17

I remember planning a similar trip a couple of months after I passed my test.
I don’t remember my parents saying anything but they must have been worried sick.
I think what put me off in the end was the cost of the petrol!
can’t you appeal to her brother to try to talk her out of it? Pay for her train ticket to meet them there and have a night out?

BettyBardMacDonald · 14/03/2025 07:23

Just because she has a car doesn't mean she can disobey you if you forbid the journey. You're the parent! Just tell her no.

ACynicalDad · 14/03/2025 07:26

Insure her on your car, go with her, book a premier inn when she gets there.

Tangerinenets · 14/03/2025 08:03

JoyDreamer86 · 13/03/2025 21:18

It got me thinking that's all 🤔 thinking about how bizarre the different legal ages for things are. Is that not ok with you?!

Of course but your reply makes no sense.

JoyDreamer86 · 14/03/2025 08:08

Tangerinenets · 14/03/2025 08:03

Of course but your reply makes no sense.

In what way does it not make sense to you?

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