AIBU to try and stop DD driving mammoth journey?

[sunnyday2025]

DD 17 passed her driving test last month. She has a small old car and is driving herself to school and back.

She has just announced that she is going to drive 7 hours (each way) to pick her brother and his mates up from university for Easter.

The journey is pretty much motorway the whole way there and I am terrified. We don’t know anyone she she can stay with either to break the journey up.

Her plan is to drive down one day, stay over and come back next day. Nothing I can say will sway her from doing it.

So many things worrying me
her car is old
never driven a lengthy journey or driven on a motorway for more than an hour
her brother and mates distracting her

If she is insistent on doing it how can I ensure her journey is as safe as possible?

Is she a nervous reactive person?

It would be more like 8-9 hours. I don't think you'll change her mind though. We were all young and wanting freedom and to be adult like driving everywhere. Would she compromise at all? Her brother gets a coach or train to say a couple of hours away? Depends what your local networks are like. For example to the big city near us you'd be fine on the train but after that point the service is disjointed and irregular. Maybe I'd try and sell it that way to them and see what they say.

When they are no longer dependent on me.

I only 'control ' really stupid dangerous decisions I do not wish to fund.

When they are funding their own stupidity I won't get a say.

Are you forgetting what it's like at 17? Your very independent and going all sorts of places your parents dont know about. You cant stop a 17 year old who has a car. She will find a way if she wants. That's why I suggested going more down the route of appealing to the older brother to take the train instead.

Statistically, and motorway is the safest road to drive on. Less than 3% of accidents occur on them.

Just tell her your concerns, and ask that she takes regular breaks even if she doesn't feel tired, and to not let passengers distract her.

Motorways are statistically the safest roads per mile driven. This is a fact, it’s not something anyone can really disagree with.

Personally I would let her. A 16 year old car now is a lot safer and more reliable than similarly aged cars were when most of us were teenagers. And it’s a long journey but I remember doing similar at the same age, in what was probably a much rattier car. Assuming she’s generally a safe and sensible driver and the car is well maintained I would be ok. I think us oldies sometimes forget what it is to be 17 - they don’t get tired as quickly!

It might be his decision but it would be a pretty stupidly poor decision to continue to put his little sister in a dangerous position when his parent on who he is dependent has expressly told him not to.

Either he's stupid or the family dynamic is fucked up.

All this 'what can you do it's up to them' is batshit type parenting in my world where kids, even young adults, respect their parents wishes on things like this.

I'd be taking the car away from her until she demonstrates better judgement.

And I wouldn't be appealing to my son I'd be telling him. It's not happening.

You wouldn't buy a car for a teenager if you were the sort of parent to take it away when they did something (something perfectly legal of course) that you disagreed with. Also he's an adult who doesn't even live at home, I'm afraid you cant tell him what to do. You can ask him but that's it.

YADNU.

If she’s never driven with sqawky young adults in her car before, she’ll be in for a shock. I’d been driving for over 20yrs here and abroad etc. when I offered to drive a friends 2 kids plus girlfriends to a family party that was about 2hrs away.

Bloody hell! I had to stop the car and shout at them to shut the fuck up as I couldn’t think or concentrate.

If she’s determined to do the drive, make her sit and watch a few motorway cops videos on YouTube showing the accidents caused by people driving badly or simply losing concentration for a moment. At least then she might be better prepared?

Utterly helicopter controlling battyness... leave her to be her own person. Jeez

Brother and his mates (so at least 3 people) could pay for a hotel room for her to break the journey on the way down. Although, that's quite an undertaking for a 17 year old girl on her own. Could the students get themselves part of the way and she meet them somewhere? Are any of them drivers and could share the load?

Does your son drive? Can you put him (or a friend, or both) on the insurance so that they can share the drive back? It seems a bit better if she only has to do one way.

Give her plenty of money for stops and say she must stop every 2 hours for at least 20 minutes.

I can and I do.
I bought a teenager a car with some very strict provisos.

If they don't like it they can buy their own car. And move out.

I drove to Scotland, alone from the midlands (5-6 hours) 3 weeks after I passed my test.
it’s fine. She’ll be fine!!

I would hope her brother's friends parents know because they might have a strong opinion about this.Encourage your son to ensure his friends are making an informed decision. I would be telling my son not to get in the car.

There was a debate to prevent new drivers carrying passengers until they had held a licence for a while. Younger people, newly qualified are disproportionately involved in accidents.

Well that's your decision to be like that. The OP is obviously not like that but is understandably nervous about the journey for her daughter. As any parent would be nervous about a lot of things for their child, but kids do grow up eventually and you cant hold them back from life forever.

No, I'd be doing everything to talk her out of it too! Can you or her dad go with her? I'm sure she will be fine though. My son lived two hours away when he first passed so hit the motorway straight away, it was horrifying!

No way would I let my 17 year old do that. I would take her car keys away. Particularly if my other child was going to be in the car.

This is a good point.
I would not want my son getting in a car driven by an inexperienced 17 yr old for a long journey. With his mates.

It has potential tragedy written all over it.

The AA and insurers have reasons for the warnings and premiums because they know young inexperienced drivers are more likely to be in accidents.

I don't blame you. Lots of factors here - driving with other youngsters in the car, the length of the journey etc.
My dd drove herself and friends down to the coast and back aged about 18 . It was about 90 mins each way.

She found it exhausting and didn't do a journey like that foe some time after.

People saying it's fine - 7 HOURS. Far, far too far for an inexperienced driver.

Can you talk to your son and explain to him your worries ans ask him to get the train (offer to pay if needed)

7 hours driving is very tiring even for experienced road users, especially when the area is new.

My daughter was a very confident driver, passed her test first time, but the first time she went out in her car with her mates, all laughing and shouting at each other, she totally lost her nerve, pulled over, and refused to drive any further. All her friends had to call home and get parents to collect them. Has your DD already driven a few times with friends in her car OP? If she's done it on numerous occasions, and still felt confident, then I would say she'll be OK, however, if she's used to pootling around on her own, or with just you in the car, I wouldn't be at all keen on letting her do it either.

Some people are pointing out that accidents are far fewer on motorways, but what they're not acknowledging, is that they're usually far more serious due to the speeds being travelled.

Is your DD the type who is able to have a serious conversation with, and will listen to you OP, or is she more a typical teen who thinks she knows it all, and you know nothing? If it's the first, then I'd sit her down, and have a serious conversation with her, explaining, that while you know she's a good driver, you're worried about her driving all the way there and back, when she's VERY inexperienced. Then show her this:

Teenage drivers, particularly those with limited experience, are statistically at a higher risk of crashes on motorways compared to more experienced drivers, due to factors like inexperience and a tendency to take risks.

Here's a more detailed breakdown:

Why Teenage Drivers Are at Higher Risk:

Inexperience:
Young drivers often lack the experience to anticipate and react to hazards, especially at high speeds on motorways.

Hazard Perception:
They may struggle to identify potential dangers and react appropriately, leading to accidents.

Risk-Taking Behaviour:
Teenagers are more prone to risky driving behaviors like speeding, dangerous overtaking, and distractions.

Overconfidence:
New drivers may overestimate their abilities and become overconfident, leading to unsafe driving practices.

Distractions:
Passengers, phones, and other distractions can significantly increase the risk of accidents, especially on motorways where attention is crucial.

If she still won't listen, then I'd be tempted to over rule her in this instance, and simply tell her that she's NOT doing it! I would also speak to your son, and ask him to discourage her from picking them up.

I wouldn’t allow this. My DS has been driving for 2 years, but I wouldn’t be keen on him driving his mates home from uni. He can do the journey alone, but I don’t want him responsible for driving his mates, other people’s children, on a long journey with loud music, probably vaping or smoking in the back seats.