To feel sad that people are not having children, they would have liked to have

[Tootiredfrthis]

I feel sad that I would love to have a third DC but I don't think I will because of lack of support and not having any extended family who can help.
Similarly, I was speaking to a friend and she almost cried saying how much she would love to is third DC but can't as she's 42 and sky rocketing nursery fees.
Another friend was saying she would love a third but undecided due to no family nearby.
Another male friend was saying he would love a second DC but he has broken up with his girlfriend and was in custody battle for his only DC and don't want to go through it again.
I feel quite sad that there are so many who would love another DC but won't be having them for various reasons while fertility rates keep falling and there's so little support for modern parents/families.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but the lack of empathy on here is brutal.

You can’t tell others their feelings aren’t valid or that someone can’t feel sad.

It’s not fair to say you have it worse so no one else can be sad about their situation.

Even comments saying they wouldn’t be sad for someone with secondary infertility or miscarriages because you have it worse

You are allowed to grieve the life you wanted but didn’t have.

I agree this thread has become a I’ve got it worse so you can’t be sad thread

Why would you want a third child if you can't cope with the 2 you already have without support?

Not the same thing at all.

Lots of people were raised in big families (three or four kids), and always pictured the same, and then feel sad when they can’t replicate what they had growing up.

Vanishingly few people have 11 or 12 kids, and equating the two is stupid.

Actually quite offended as a third-born myself with the “what’s the point of third children?” attitude on this thread. A decade or two ago, having a third child was completely normal. That’s kind of the point of the thread.

I feel sorry for my dd who wouid love a 3rd but her husband says 2 is enough and he won’t budge. They have a girl & a boy but I know she’d love her daughter to have a sister. ( no guarantees on that I know )
They have a big enough house & could afford another but he just doesn’t want anymore and thinks 2 is enough for anyone.
I’d feel better if this was my daughter’s decision.

I don't think it’s sad no, an odd reaction tbh, I think it’s sensible, and having children should be more of a ‘brain’ decision than heart. I try to focus on being grateful for the 2 I have. I do love the idea in theory of more, but know it’s better for my 2 that I focus my time, money and attention on them.

You're right that we can technically 'feel sad' about anything we want and that grief is personal. But emotions do highlight our values. Perhaps people are just using imprecise language: it's not the emotion they're really 'opposing' but the sentiment and values underneath that they don't find reasonable. People are just pointing out that relative to infertility, feeling sad about not wanting a third child can be construed as tone deaf (or some milder description).

If you're talking about previous generations with even bigger families, of course that's a different issue. Societies move on. There are trade offs for accommodating that kind of society.

Yes and complaining to a friend in a coffee shop that you’re feeling sad not to have a fourth child whilst your friend is dealing with primary infertility is of course tone deaf

Deciding to click on a thread about sadness for not having as many kids as hoped for then pulling out the trigger card is not tone deaf

I think it was obvious that the thread was one to be avoided by those unable to have children. People aren't tone deaf if people can't avoid what is obviously a triggering thread.

I feel sad for me because I dont have a lear jet and a housekeeper and a house in Bermuda.....

I wouldn't tell them not to be sad, everyone is entitled to their feelings.

I would expect them to be mindful of the fact that using words like "infertility" when they have one child is really quite insensitive to people who are actually unable to have children.

I suppose I am in a slightly different position as conceiving once for us was a miracle so I knew during pregnancy that my choices were likely to be a lengthy and expensive process to possibly have a second or to be happy and embrace the advantages of one, and I quickly found that I could be.

Maybe I'd feel differently if the first one had come easily and I'd been shocked for the second not to follow.

Honestly , I think it’s crap to play the ‘who is hurting more’ game.

There are no medals for those who have been hurt the most (or the least).
And certainly no way to compare the different ways/reasons people”ke are hurting.

Having one child through IVF doesn't mean I am not infertile and don't still have infertility. I needed more IVF for my second. I did manage to get pregnant naturally but that was after nine years of regular sex. Two year on nothing so probably more IVF. We have barely used contraception so please don't tell me I can't use the term of having infertility.

Well. That's the whole point of a public thread isn't it? Plus the point is that a lot of people perceive having a third child as almost a superfluous 'desire'. Hence pointing out infertility, etc. We're not necessarily infertile or triggered, but in today's society, wanting a third child really is a more 'advanced' desire.

And yet they ARE infertile.
They can’t have that second child. That's what infertility is.

If Op really thinks that sadness is 100% personal, no need to post at all.

I know. Not hard to grasp is it? 🫣

Is it really? I don't see three being a massive family or anything out of the norm?

This. On FB I’m a member of a group called The Non Mum Network - I think the title is pretty self explanatory? and we have had people joining who are suffering from secondary infertility. Obviously I feel sad for anyone who has had losses - I had several failed IVFs but never any losses as never actually had a positive pregnancy test. But there is a massive difference between not having as many children as you wanted and not having any at all. Those saying “it’s not a competition” just don’t get it.

But they are a mother. Something someone with primary infertility will never be. That’s what infertility is. Not hard to grasp is it.

It’s because your comments come across as no one else can be sad. Only me.

You can have infertility trying for your 3rd child.

That’s not how I meant them to come across.

I give up. You will never understand.