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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel sad that people are not having children, they would have liked to have

274 replies

Tootiredfrthis · 13/03/2025 12:38

I feel sad that I would love to have a third DC but I don't think I will because of lack of support and not having any extended family who can help.
Similarly, I was speaking to a friend and she almost cried saying how much she would love to is third DC but can't as she's 42 and sky rocketing nursery fees.
Another friend was saying she would love a third but undecided due to no family nearby.
Another male friend was saying he would love a second DC but he has broken up with his girlfriend and was in custody battle for his only DC and don't want to go through it again.
I feel quite sad that there are so many who would love another DC but won't be having them for various reasons while fertility rates keep falling and there's so little support for modern parents/families.

OP posts:
Summer2025 · 13/03/2025 20:21

Dutchhouse14 · 13/03/2025 17:23

I agree OP it is a shame if you can't afford a modest family, 3DC isn't excessive by any means.
It does seem much more common nowadays for people to worry more about the financial aspects of having DC which results in having fewer DC and/or starting a family later.
I'm in my 50s and of course we thought about cost not not in the spreadsheet obsessive way as my younger colleagues do, we were also happier to compromise on holidays (camping) and a 10 year old car etc. I don't think younger parents are as willing to sacrifice lifestyle.
Possibly as more woman return to employment after having DC it makes it logistically more challenging and perhaps more expensive due to childcare.
Not saying that women returning to employment after having a baby is a bad thing, it definitely makes you financially secure, less vulnerable, but it is a big shift, it was much more common to stay at home during pre school years 20+ years ago ime.
I also think each generation spends more on their DC. My parents sent me to brownies, Sunday school and took percentage of my wages when I left school at 16. I sent my DC to a myriad of extra curricular activities, they've had more expensive presents(PS5, tech etc) and I've had to support them through university. So it's cost me a lot more to raise my DC than it did my parents!
The birth rate is declining and any population increase is down to immigration not birth rates,so I do wonder where the doctors/nurses/builders etc will be to support my DC when they are pensioners as an aging population isn't really good news. As a society we need children.
Sadly my DC are currently against having children - financial cost, environmental reasons, wanting freedom, but I hope they change their minds!

We don't have a car, same like DH's parents and we both live in London. You can have holidays very cheaply using ryanair deals; more expensive in term time but there are plenty of deals that seem to include young children at a very reasonable rate. The holidays isn't the deal breaker

It's housing. My MIL bought her London house at 100k in the 1990s and bought her starter 1 bed flat in the 80s on a secretary and paralegal's salary (think it was roughly 3 times of household income). When my DH and I bought in our 20s in a nearby London suburb it was 5 times our combined income (including the deposit) for a tiny 2 bed flat and we had to raise a 15% deposit. We only managed to buy due to our fertility issues, I didn't get pregnant aged 22 to 32 despite no contraception and we managed to reduce our mortgage when we remortgaged due to years of saving/overpaying sans baby and securing pay rises (60% over 5 years). DH's mum never secured those pay rises when she was our age. We can theoretically pay the mortgage on one income but jobs are not secure these days.

The jump to a house is unthinkable at time in the future(DH's mum stayed in same area with 4 children and moving out would mean incurring unaffordable rail fares.). However with 1 child we can stay in our flat until he reaches primary age and gets into our desired school (so we dont need to worry about catchment at that point). If we keep to 1 child, our moving options even include moving to a spacious 2 bed flat around 85 to 100 sq m or 3 bed flat (3rd bedroom usually a single or box room anyway)1 mile from where we live. We would need a 4 bed for 2 children and that would mean a house. Kids nowadays also stay with their parents well into their 20s, I could facilitate that with 1 child even in a nice sized flat with multiple bathrooms, would be hard with 2. Those traditional English 3 bed semis have 1 box room as a third bedroom, idk how the second child is going to stay there until late 20s if first child is close in age and still living at home. My SIL is still the box room child at 26 but she has other empty bedrooms to herself as the siblings have flown the nest (we bought and 2 moved out early and have boomeranged to/sought refuge with in laws who have 4 or 5 bedroom houses bought when property was cheap as the in laws are not wealthy at all).

Dutchhouse14 · 13/03/2025 20:40

yes housing has definitely gone up out of all proportion with wages, particularly in London. We have moved further out 3 times - further into home counties to obtain a bigger house which initially involved longer more expensive commute- we now work from home. We have 4 DC , 2 shared a bedroom until we changed the dining room to a downstairs bedroom, we have one bathroom and a downstairs loo between 6 of us. I shared a bedroom with my sister and hated it and always swore id want our DC to have separate rooms but when I fell unexpectedly pregnant with DC 4 they had no choice but to share , they survived but having your own room is optimal, but I really dont think you need a 4 bed multi bathroom house for a family of 4..

PurpleThistle7 · 13/03/2025 20:53

niadainud · 13/03/2025 20:15

I appreciate you didn't end up having six children, but I don't think it's in very good taste to use siblings' infertility (assuming that was the issue) to mitigate any guilt you might have about increasing the population.

I would be, frankly, furious if I ever heard my brother or sister-in-law justifying their unnecessarily large number of offspring by way of me not being able to have any. The minor silver lining for me is that it has reduced my carbon footprint, and it's not the prerogative of someone else to unilaterally negate that reduction.

Edited

Oh gosh that’s not how I meant it at all. But agree it was a really poorly constructed thought now that I see how you read it. I’m really sorry

stanleypops66 · 13/03/2025 20:54

No I don't feel sorry at all for people who have 2 but would've liked 3. I feel sorry for people who desperately want one but can't.

I have one through ivf and couldn't have anymore. I hate it when people give me a pitying look. I am very grateful to have one and in so many ways I think it's worked out for the best.

CrispieCake · 13/03/2025 20:55

It's a different world now, for better or for worse (and in many ways better). But fundamentally just different.

Looking at my own family, my father was one of five and my mother one of four. My maternal grandmother wanted more children but had repeated miscarriages. My father had an older brother who died in toddlerhood of a disease which is entirely curable nowadays.

My maternal grandmother was one of eleven surviving children. There were thirteen in total but one died as a baby and one in a tragic accident involving farm machinery when playing in the fields after school.

When my mother speaks of her "cousins", she's talking of over 30 people. It completely boggles my mind. I have five cousins. My children are unlikely to have any first cousins. Coming from a farming community, my mother's childhood was full of huge family parties in someone's barn or a church hall. Lots of dancing. The women would sort the food and the men would get drunk. Mostly, what my mother remembers from her childhood is having a lot of fun running wild and growing up in a big group. More fun in her view than people have nowadays.

But opportunities were limited, each individual child didn't get much in the way of resources and rates of alcoholism and depression were sky-high. My oldest uncle was in the police and was fairly frequently called to incidents of suicide. "Have you heard about poor William, Annie's boy? They found him in the south barn" was the sort of thing my mother heard more than once during her childhood.

You can't turn back time. The amount of resources required nowadays to give children a decent start in life would have been incomprehensible to my grandmother. Hers were lucky to have clothes and a full stomach, and had very little else. And the older ones definitely raised the younger ones - it was expected of them.

niadainud · 13/03/2025 20:58

PurpleThistle7 · 13/03/2025 20:53

Oh gosh that’s not how I meant it at all. But agree it was a really poorly constructed thought now that I see how you read it. I’m really sorry

Thank you, that's kind of you to say.

It's a bit of a touchy subject for me, as you may have inferred!

anon4net · 13/03/2025 21:01

Since the dawn of time family size has not necessarily been about choice. It isn't just the current cost of living. Many of our older relatives had more children than they could cope with or care for, yet there was infertility then too. I know several people in their 70's and 80's that only had one child which was not by choice and others who really felt they didn't have spare money for another b/c of terrible working conditions with limited fiscal protections back then. I'm in my 40's and many of my parents' peers, including my parents, didn't have the family size they imagined. This is not new. Perhaps people speak about it more openly now whereas in previous generations often people had that 'accept your lot' mentality. Not saying they didn't experience grief, loss etc. It's good we accept now that these things are connected to bigger emotions.

I think we all have competing priorities. No one can have it all. I know many people who say they can't afford another though money is spent elsewhere. Not because they are bad people but because we aren't one dimensional and often have not just ideas on family size but in ways we want to live our lives in other respects too - financial goals, house, where we live, schools our dc go to, holidays and of course for many, simply making it through.

Finally, I don't think number of children can solely be about money. You can have lots of money but low capacity to actually parent more dc. People who want to parent well have to weigh up all those considerations and then be confident in the decision they make - lucky to be able to actually have that choice.

Your family will be great with 2 dc or 3 dc. It sounds like you are being sensible and trying to figure out what is best for your family - if only all people could do this before welcoming a child. Generally I'd try not to spend too much time looking backwards and wishing for things to be different. Good luck either way!

PurpleThistle7 · 13/03/2025 21:02

niadainud · 13/03/2025 20:58

Thank you, that's kind of you to say.

It's a bit of a touchy subject for me, as you may have inferred!

Of course it is - I think I was having several thoughts at once and should have thought it all through.

Summer2025 · 13/03/2025 21:02

Dutchhouse14 · 13/03/2025 20:40

yes housing has definitely gone up out of all proportion with wages, particularly in London. We have moved further out 3 times - further into home counties to obtain a bigger house which initially involved longer more expensive commute- we now work from home. We have 4 DC , 2 shared a bedroom until we changed the dining room to a downstairs bedroom, we have one bathroom and a downstairs loo between 6 of us. I shared a bedroom with my sister and hated it and always swore id want our DC to have separate rooms but when I fell unexpectedly pregnant with DC 4 they had no choice but to share , they survived but having your own room is optimal, but I really dont think you need a 4 bed multi bathroom house for a family of 4..

It's fine if the kids move out at 18. In fact if the kids move out at 18 and are same gender, a 2 bed with large bedrooms might even be fine or the 2 bedroom + single box room might even be fine. But the kids are not moving out at 18 and I don't see that changing. Over 50% of British parents don't mind kids living at home past 25! It's probably higher in London and Home Counties.

IVFmumoftwo · 13/03/2025 22:55

Printedword · 13/03/2025 20:18

Honestly, it's those who wanted one and didn't succeed you should feel sorry for. I was nearly one of those people. We felt very blessed to have our DC. I was too old to try again and - honestly - just very grateful to have the one.

People who want more than one are still grateful for the child they have.

flumposie · 13/03/2025 23:16

I have one child through ivf. Would love to have had another, partly for her sake, but it wasn't meant to be.

LBFseBrom · 14/03/2025 03:47

IVFmumoftwo · 13/03/2025 22:55

People who want more than one are still grateful for the child they have.

Yes they are indeed, I am the mother of one. However, after a while, I can see all worked out for the best, it usually does. The op has two which I would have thought was ideal.

arcticpandas · 14/03/2025 05:42

Why not concentrate on the children you do have? My DS2 told me that he used to regret not having a younger sibling but now he's happy because I have got more time for him helping out with homework, playing games etc. Babies are lovely but they also grow up and then you'll long for a fourth, fifth etc..

arcticpandas · 14/03/2025 05:44

stanleypops66 · 13/03/2025 20:54

No I don't feel sorry at all for people who have 2 but would've liked 3. I feel sorry for people who desperately want one but can't.

I have one through ivf and couldn't have anymore. I hate it when people give me a pitying look. I am very grateful to have one and in so many ways I think it's worked out for the best.

One of my sons wished he didn't have an older autistic brother.. he would have loved being an only child. You never know what you get so if you have a healthy child you're lucky in my book. 💗

Printedword · 14/03/2025 08:04

IVFmumoftwo · 13/03/2025 22:55

People who want more than one are still grateful for the child they have.

I would not think for a moment that they weren't. I was explaining my feelings in a low key way. Being more emotional, I'd say that it felt like a miracle and I was humbled by feeling that fate, God (whatever you believe in) had made this possible. For me this meant it was a one time thing. But that is just my personal take, just for me. DH felt much the same, which is good.

IVFmumoftwo · 14/03/2025 10:27

Printedword · 14/03/2025 08:04

I would not think for a moment that they weren't. I was explaining my feelings in a low key way. Being more emotional, I'd say that it felt like a miracle and I was humbled by feeling that fate, God (whatever you believe in) had made this possible. For me this meant it was a one time thing. But that is just my personal take, just for me. DH felt much the same, which is good.

Edited

To be honest if I don't have a third I will be a tiny bit sad but I will move on. I am grateful for the ones I have but it will just be nice to have another. I imagine that is how OP and other people mean too.

ColdWaterDipper · 14/03/2025 18:34

I wanted 4 children in an ideal world (DH wanted 3), however I was diagnosed with cancer in my late 30s (first child was born when I was 32) and so we have the two we already had, and can’t have any more. I felt very sad about it for a while, but now it’s only occasionally that I get a pang. We may look into fostering once our children are older. I think it’s sadder when people can’t have children at all and desperately want them (either through infertility or lack of a partner etc). I know I am lucky in lots of ways, and adore the two children I have.

AlleycatMarie · 14/03/2025 19:50

After several failed ivf attempts, losses and still childless, no, I can’t feel sorry for people with two children who make a choice not to have a third. Sorry.

August1980 · 14/03/2025 22:52

Are you really ‘sad’ over this?? Give over.

theprincessthepea · 14/03/2025 23:49

I actually have a reoccurring dream that I have 3 children. I have 2 now, they are a decade apart.

Im actually grateful for the 2. If I don’t have any more children, I’ll be at peace with it. Especially because it is hard and I think we need to cut ourselves some slack at appreciate the fact we’ve got children. Why be hard on yourself that you can’t have more?

I know sometimes it’s an urge - but I’ve also learned to fill my time with other activities.

I think it’s sadder when people that want just one child cannot though.

Hello55 · 15/03/2025 00:22

OP we had a 3rd with very little family support. It's the best decision we made! been totally worth it for what our child has brought to all our lives (my other children included) That feeling for wanting more is no longer there, i had it all the time before.. we feel fulfilled 🙏 you'll be fine if you want another go for it! I have honestly found with each child I have just grown and got better at managing things xx

Mervyco · 15/03/2025 04:18

I have been married three times, buried two wives. My first could not have children, although I married her because she was "pregnant"
My second said she wanted chidren, but actually wanted a meal ticket, and as soon as she said "I do" she didn't!
My Jill is far too old, as am I.
I always wanted a houseful, but it was not my karma, so I had Schnauzers instread. I worked in Paediatrics, and they were my children.
Now I am old, and the others in the village talk of their families, I cannot deny I get envious: My stepchildren turned avaricious as soon as their mother died and left them her shares in my practice and home. so I never see them, as I dared to dispute the will.
If OP wants three or five children, and you can support them, Go for it. Your life.

petmad · 15/03/2025 11:13

You're choosing not to have children due to lack of support around you family friends etc. if you have them their you're children to bring up not anybody else you're parents have done their job. Looking after Grandchildren is a privilege not a right.
As i was told buy my parents when i had mine their you're children weve done our bit bringing you up.

IVFmumoftwo · 15/03/2025 22:54

petmad · 15/03/2025 11:13

You're choosing not to have children due to lack of support around you family friends etc. if you have them their you're children to bring up not anybody else you're parents have done their job. Looking after Grandchildren is a privilege not a right.
As i was told buy my parents when i had mine their you're children weve done our bit bringing you up.

I bet they had grandparents that helped with you though.

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