To hate the term “Passed away”?

[ALovelyShadeofMauve]

Or even worse, simply “Passed”?

I understand people sometimes don’t want to be too blunt around the subject of death. But I’m not suggesting we say “Sorry, Granny’s kicked the bucket/turned up her toes/cashed in her chips” instead. Why can’t we just be honest and factual and use the word “died”?

I find “passed away” or “passed” quite cringey and performative. It seems to imply something peaceful and ethereal; as if it’s just one door closing and another opening as part of the beautiful cycle of life, where we’ll all be reunited in the next world, and that bodies are just vessels for our spiritual energy and so on… Fine if you believe that, but for a lot of us, when you’re dead, that’s it. We don’t need it soft-soaping.

I don’t mind it so much when it’s someone very elderly who has had a genuinely peaceful death. But I’ve seen it used more and more often recently when people have not only died very young, but also in terrible accidents or by suicide. That is not “passing away” - that is a tragedy, possibly involving a lot of suffering, and/or mental pain beforehand. Why try to make out it was all part of the natural circle of life?

Am I just being an old moaner who should let people use whatever expression brings them comfort? Or is it offensive to act like a sudden, painful death is no different to quietly going in your sleep at 95?

Passed is very common, died much better.

I’ve been known to use lost, but only when referring to one of my family. I generally say died though.

I can’t bring myself to say passed/passed away, but I’m not sure why it doesn’t sound right to me.

'Lost' relating to death, meaning you no longer have that person because they have died, does not imply carelessness or fault like when we mislay something. .

Those who dislike it don't need to use it, but perhaps accept that it has this other meaning, just as 'late' does.

No worries! Get some tea inside you!

How so? A dead person is dead. They’re beyond caring about my choice of words and my opinions, they can’t be insulted by words anymore.

Not sure why you felt the need to quote me there, or act like I personally gave you a bereavement card that you hated, or why you felt the need to use the word "mimsy" at me when I just posted about the deaths of my children.

Hope it made you feel better or whatever you were trying to achieve though.

Many years ago as a teenager I was at a church for something or other, and chatting to an older chap, who was telling me about various people who'd set the Sunday school up etc......and I totally wasn't used to churchy language. And he kept listing names but saying "But they've gone to be with the Lord now" and not realising he meant DIED I just replied "Oh that's nice" 🤣🤣🤣 as I assumed it was some rank in church leadership or something. 😂😂

I hate the term I've lost my mum etc, why can't they just say they've died, I had a friend who had someone say they had lost their dad, and they said oh do you want me to help you find them, not realising they meant they had died! Every time someone says to me that they lost someone I have to stop myself from laughing and offering to help find them!

I am always led by the bereaved on this. If it comforts them in some small way to use euphemisms, I'll use them. There are also reasons why those in professions like funeral directing or counselling would probably use them as a matter of course.

It doesn't help me personally. The reality that your loved one is dead and never coming back is harsh and cruel, and softening that up with comforting euphemisms to my mind can't make that reality any less harsh or cruel. I used 'died'. There is no running away from the pain and finality of that reality.

'Passed' therefore doesn't work for me, and when I happened to be the one in the position of the bereaved, it grated.

But if it works for others, then who am I to judge?

The shame there isn't yours at all, you were remarkably restrained!

I really, really hate it when people are grief vultures. I saw this recently on social media. I could not believe how one particular person went on and on about how they couldn't believe x (a loose friend) was gone - multiple posts for about a week. It was utterly revolting and I deeply sympathised with the deceased's close friends and family who presumably saw that disgusting display of vanity, purely for 'likes' and attention. They will carry their grief always, while that idiot will move on to the next 'drama' to get their kicks.

Sorry, you just lost that competition hands down. Not a good look.

I prefer to just say died but if others want to say passed away it's fine by me. It wouldn't offend me. I don't think there's a right answer as a lot of people voice the words they can cope with.

I had to tell my husband one of his relatives had died recently, (over night, not unexpected). I found it when my alarm went off and I checked my phone for an update. Given that I had to wake him to tell him, the kindest, gentlest thing I could think to say given it wasn't a surprise but was still a shock was "darling, she's gone". Probably not how mn would bid me do it - and not what I expected to find myself saying- but it was what felt right to say.

Do you really need it speeding out to you why someone might not want to or be able to use the word died?

I hope you're not really so nasty that you want to laugh at someone who is bereaved. If so, I pity your family and friends.

This is a conversation we've had with friends on more than one occasion. We also don't like 'passed away', 'lost' etc. Nothing wrong with saying that someone has died. It's factual and clear, unlike saying "I lost my dad/mum", which implies that you might find them again or that you don't know where they are.

Well that's very unplessent of you my mum died five weeks ago if somebody had laughed in my face and offered to help look for her i would think they were an awful person
Thankfully my friends were lovely and nobody seemed to think it was hilarious thst my mum had died

When people die, there are a lot of negative emotions. Some people focus on perceived slights about the will or particular belongings or the funeral or the way things were communicated or what people say to them or who did what in the family.

But really they are just hanging their grief on the wrong peg: what they feel strongly about is the death and the feelings that it stirs up. But somehow they can't face it.

My feeling is that getting hung up on the language surrounding death is another displacement activity. Ask yourself why you are getting hung up on peripheral matters? What are you trying to avoid by fixating on this?

What a hard cold response @TheMorels That poster had her 2 x children die. I also had my Dad die who I was incredibly close to. God knows what I'd say if it was my dcs, it is horrific. Just wind your neck in with your judgment and lack of compassion.

@NotTheDebtDoctorWithTheHungryScalpel I am incredibly sorry for what you have been through; I couldn't even begin to imagine x 💐

Wow judgy or what! Hey some people have hidden disabilities and don't pick up on social cues ( that would be me), when my own parents died, I told people they had died! So there was no misunderstanding

Why do people need to be offended all of the time.

It’s absolutely ridiculous.

You prefer to use one term, whilst someone else prefers to use another.

You don’t get to police what phrases people use when a loved one dies and you don’t get to act offended that they used a phrase that you don’t use.

Find something else to be offended about.

I hate it too and find it a pointless euphemism as we all know what it means. I always say ‘died’. However, I would never comment on anyone else using the term if they wish.

And some people are just Twats .

@ALovelyShadeofMauve
I share your discomfort with any phrasing other than she/ he's died. They grate and irriate. If others want to use euphemisms - fair enough. I have to say IME most people do say someone has died rather than passed away / passed / lost etc. Maybe its a regional thing ?

Absolutely this. Just because some people are happy with "passed away" doesn't mean everyone is. I find if disturbing and rather negates the enormity and reality of death. I used to work as a journalist and was taught by my editor to never ever use the term "passed away". We were taught to write "has died". Much more straightforward and less controversial. Increasingly I read "passed away in news reports. I find it disturbing and dismissive of grief.

What an awful person you sound!

Having a hidden disability is no excuse to be so vile.

The first time someone hears a phrase like ‘lost my dad’, you may think that it means they can’t find them - I’m not sure why you think that’s funny at all anyway.
Someone going missing is very serious, especially if it’s out of character, they have additional needs or they have dementia.

But what’s worse is that you know that these people mean their loved one has died and you still think it’s funny.

What a nasty person you are.

Like I care