To hate the term “Passed away”?

[ALovelyShadeofMauve]

Or even worse, simply “Passed”?

I understand people sometimes don’t want to be too blunt around the subject of death. But I’m not suggesting we say “Sorry, Granny’s kicked the bucket/turned up her toes/cashed in her chips” instead. Why can’t we just be honest and factual and use the word “died”?

I find “passed away” or “passed” quite cringey and performative. It seems to imply something peaceful and ethereal; as if it’s just one door closing and another opening as part of the beautiful cycle of life, where we’ll all be reunited in the next world, and that bodies are just vessels for our spiritual energy and so on… Fine if you believe that, but for a lot of us, when you’re dead, that’s it. We don’t need it soft-soaping.

I don’t mind it so much when it’s someone very elderly who has had a genuinely peaceful death. But I’ve seen it used more and more often recently when people have not only died very young, but also in terrible accidents or by suicide. That is not “passing away” - that is a tragedy, possibly involving a lot of suffering, and/or mental pain beforehand. Why try to make out it was all part of the natural circle of life?

Am I just being an old moaner who should let people use whatever expression brings them comfort? Or is it offensive to act like a sudden, painful death is no different to quietly going in your sleep at 95?

I know this is a serious topic but am I the only one with the Parrot Sketch going on in my head?

The dignity of a dead person does not matter more than the feelings of the living people who have been bereaved, @Ddakji.

Its all personal preference and i dont think any of us are right or wrong, and shouldn't police others terms of choice. Its clear from your OP you don't believe in an after life, but many do, so passing to them may well be they see them as passing from one place, to another.

It's no different to hating the term "making love" for sex, i think thats a ridiculous term as having sex doesn't create love between people and its a very twee and childish term in my opinion, but i don't get mad or think others are wrong for using it if thats their preferred term.

I say "died." I do understand though that some may feel more comfortable with a euphemism, especially if they are struggling with grief, and the finality of it. I would say it says more about those that judge tbh.

I think it's good manners to take your lead from the bereaved person and use the language they prefer.

However, I've spent the last 6 months doing all the sadmin following a relative's unexpected death, and I've found myself using the "passed away" euphemism a lot, to make the person I'm talking to more comfortable... even though myself, I'd rather name the beast and say death and died.

I hate it too.

When my mother died I politely corrected everyone who used it.

I find it insulting and irritating . There is no room for euphemism in death.

No idea. Both my parents are dead. They died. My dad dropped down dead completely unexpectedly. Just facts.

What does passed even mean? Passed where? From where? It’s just gibberish.

I think as a society we need to look at why we’re so afraid of the word “died”, and then start to get over that.

Why? They’re dead. They can be neither dignified nor undignified, because they’re dead.

That is your opinion. Not everyone feels the same, if somebody feels more comfortable saying THEIR relative has passed away, that is THEIR choice. You don't get to police it.
I say died, but I would never ever judge somebody else's word choice around the death of somebody they love.

It isn’t something I can get worked up about to be honest. Doesn’t offend me, nor does died, kicked the bucket etc.

I remember when HMTLQ died an Englishman commentating on a news program said “QEII hasn’t passed she’s died. She’s English not American”

No, you aren’t.

I loathe ‘passed’ and greatly dislike ’passed away’. Anyone who used them to me in the context of my bereavements found that out pretty quickly.

There is no answer to this one, really.

I'm quite pragmatic, but even though it's three years since DP died, and it's real and painful and factual, and I say died, it's an internal gut punch every time, because it underlines the permanence of loss.

Passed on irritates me more than passed away, as it seems to imply a choice of some sort, similarly "departed".

Gone to a better place really grinds my gears, because it implies the life they had, with all the connections is a bit inferior in some way, which isn't comforting in the slightest to the bereaved. But then, I could be accused of irrationality and over thinking.

Lost is the one that gets me most. Yes, we feel the loss and absence of our person, but they're not stuck behind the sofa cushions, their GPS hasn't malfunctioned, and the implication of fault or carelessness is there, which is of course a conflation of regret and guilt which often comes with death of a loved one, rational or not.

Unfortunately the language of grief is inadequate, and clumsy and can never give full measure to the impact.

We blunder and muddle through it because every experience is uniquely painful, and perspective takes time and work.

A few months after DP bought his ticket to the great gig in the sky (call me trite, but he was very into his music and it comforts me to think he's slugging JD with Lemmy and philosophising with Bowie and Bill Hicks) someone started waxing lyrical about how shocking and tragic his death had been for them - not a close person, nor someone I had met before. I tried to be nice for as long as I could, then my sarcastic bone showed up. I said, to my everlasting shame

"You really had to be there". Which of course, I was. But they weren't.

There's a very fine line between sharing grief, and appropriating it, and it's a lesson we learn painfully.

Not keen on "Lost" myself .

When my Dad died I had to tell my Mum by phone (it was Covid restriction time )
It was the toughest sentence I had to utter .

But "Gone" or "passed" would've been wrong to use here .

My Dad would say "In the boneyard " though !

.

I was listening to the news on LBC this morning and in the report about Gene Hackman they stated he had “passed”.
This is a news bulletin a statement of facts not a touchy feely conversation when did saying someone has died become unacceptable.

This is a very interesting example, as while it was someone very elderly, his was most definitely not a peaceful death. Based on the investigations so far, it seems like he spent up to a week in the house with his dead wife either not knowing what to do, or else not even comprehending that she had died. That’s certainly not my idea of a beautiful journey to a better place.

I would never tell Gene Hackman’s family that they couldn’t use the term “passed” because of this (despite some posters appearing to think I launch full-scale objections to the term mid-eulogy). But do I expect a newsreader to be factual about it? Too right!

No. It’s not pathetic. You’re not better than anyone because you can say the word died.

I really dislike “passed”. I don’t know why but it gives me the ick. I prefer died. Straight and honest. But each to their own.

This.

I can't believe how many people seem to think they have the right to tell others how to grieve and what terminology they can use.

When having to make dozens of calls after the deaths of two of my children I said whatever the hell I could get out at the time.

Can you imagine having to repeat that your child has died over and over and over again?

I probably did use 'lower class' and 'twee' and 'irritating' phrases to convey the message but those moments were about what I could say and do to make it through to the next second, not worrying what arseholes who judge grieving people would think if I didn't have the exact perfect words of their choosing at that time.

It's very tough. Although he was much older than me, he was still too young. Very bad for my parents, also.

I am so sorry, @Ddakji - I tagged the wrong person in my post - my answer should have been to @Miaowzabella. I am an idiot - not enough caffeine yet.

Your call. Your bereavement.

But if I texted people to say my dad had died, I didn’t want a condolence card with a mimsy ‘passed away’. My call. My bereavement.

Not RTFT, but in an old job I had to tell people when their loved ones had died. We always used the word 'died' at least once. Otherwise many couldn't process the fact.

Not necessarily people will tell you that their dog has died a fair while after the event so unlikely to be crying and people tend to tell you they can’t find their dog when they have done all the basics like calling it.