To hate the term “Passed away”?

[ALovelyShadeofMauve]

Or even worse, simply “Passed”?

I understand people sometimes don’t want to be too blunt around the subject of death. But I’m not suggesting we say “Sorry, Granny’s kicked the bucket/turned up her toes/cashed in her chips” instead. Why can’t we just be honest and factual and use the word “died”?

I find “passed away” or “passed” quite cringey and performative. It seems to imply something peaceful and ethereal; as if it’s just one door closing and another opening as part of the beautiful cycle of life, where we’ll all be reunited in the next world, and that bodies are just vessels for our spiritual energy and so on… Fine if you believe that, but for a lot of us, when you’re dead, that’s it. We don’t need it soft-soaping.

I don’t mind it so much when it’s someone very elderly who has had a genuinely peaceful death. But I’ve seen it used more and more often recently when people have not only died very young, but also in terrible accidents or by suicide. That is not “passing away” - that is a tragedy, possibly involving a lot of suffering, and/or mental pain beforehand. Why try to make out it was all part of the natural circle of life?

Am I just being an old moaner who should let people use whatever expression brings them comfort? Or is it offensive to act like a sudden, painful death is no different to quietly going in your sleep at 95?

There are many variations in verbs for the same action . Just about any verb you can think of has an alternative. Why the hell should we limit our language to the verb you prefer ?🙄

I agree. I was really irritated by people saying my parents had ‘passed’ or ‘passed away’. They didn’t pass anywhere. They died. It’s pathetic to be afraid of using the word.

It doesn’t bother me. I know what they mean and so does everyone else. Whatever term is the most comfortable for them is fine with me.

I hate it, but understand that many people just don't like to say someone died. So I use died myself and just let others do their thing.

Interesting that you think it's generational. I think it's much more of a trend to say "passed away" than it used to be.

I don't think it's about being afraid of a word. It's an emotional time, read the posts below on why some find it hard to say.

Death is always going to be an emotive subject, so I’m not surprised that people have strong feelings about how to talk about death. I have used both ‘died’ and ‘passed away’, when talking about my dad’s and mum’s deaths - partly depending on who I am talking to, and where I am saying it, and partly depending on how I feel at the time.

But I do agree with the poster who said we shouldn’t police how someone describes their bereavement.

And yet they judge.
My dad didn't 'pass', he was killed. I had someone ask when he passed and I said he died in... That wasn't good enough and they corrected me by saying passed. I told them he didn't pass he was killed and they were offended by my use of language. Arsehole. Me saying he died is me being polite and sparing the other person. My grief, my choice of words.

My 49 year old sister died 4 weeks ago and I have noticed nearly every condolence card uses the words "passed" or "passed away". I think people are trying to soften the blow.....but they really can't as I watched her die in ICU..but I suppose it makes them feel a bit better...

Whst would you prefer ?
There,s nothing that amyone can say that's going to make a bereaved person feel better ,and it's better than saying nothing .

I agree. The dead person has not gone anywhere, he has ceased to exist. You can't change unpleasant realities by using infantilising language to refer to them.

Animals (pets not meat animals) never die, they go over the rainbow bridge.
Perhaps we should have a similar euphemism. Granny’s twinkling in the sky ?

My mum died. I despise the term passed. We have such an unhealthy attitude to death here. There are no death rituals or anything. It's all just behind closed doors and curtains. No one knows what to say or how to grieve.

I haven’t changed my course at all. And it’s not a surprise that some people found it judgemental; I expected as much.

“Passed” is absolutely awful.

This reminds me of a previous job I had where the company had outsourced their written customer service to a country where English wasn't the first language of its citizens. A customer wrote in to say she'd lost her husband. Customer service replied that they were sorry to hear that and they hoped she'd find him soon. 🫤

Agree with this.

I was listening to the news on LBC this morning and in the report about Gene Hackman they stated he had “passed”.
This is a news bulletin a statement of facts not a touchy feely conversation when did saying someone has died become unacceptable.
Not quite the same but also pet owners who tell you they have lost their dog and you are not sure wether to say how sorry you are or offer to help them look for it.

Surely thst depends on individual circumstances and a person's beleif system ?
My mum was a Catholic so she had a requiem mass followed by cremation
I saw her about half an hour after she died I could have visited her in the chapel of rest ,but I didn't want to remember her like thst.

Is it awful if it is a comfort to the person who has been bereaved, @Ddakji?

I don't like to use the term myself as I find it a little odd and always say, for example, that my Mum died.

But I'm the same as many pps who think that grief is personal and you should refer to someone you love dying however you want to; passed or passing away. It doesn't offend me.

Yes, because it is an insult to the dead person's dignity.

Well if they are crying or looking upset rather than running around shouting the dogs name that would be a big give away for Me.

Now I'm not going to police anyone's speech but I will say I do find it very helpful if bereaved people can give a brief (old-fashioned?!) indication of how their loved one died. This can be especially random on Facebook etc. and it makes speaking to acquaintances about their bereavement very difficult.

For example knowing that someone's death was sudden/following a short illness/following a long illness, and whether it was at home/in hospital/in a hospice/somewhere else can really help you get a better picture of the situation and enable you to empathise with and support the bereaved person without feeling like you're firing questions at them.

I've used it and don't find it offensive at all. It sounds quite gentle and doesn't evoke horrible images of pain etc.
Of course I'm perfectly happy with people simply saying 'he/she died'.
It's not like they're saying 'they passed on to heaven' or 'they became an angel'. Which has religious and superstitious contexts that could be jarring to some people.