To hate the term “Passed away”?

[ALovelyShadeofMauve]

Or even worse, simply “Passed”?

I understand people sometimes don’t want to be too blunt around the subject of death. But I’m not suggesting we say “Sorry, Granny’s kicked the bucket/turned up her toes/cashed in her chips” instead. Why can’t we just be honest and factual and use the word “died”?

I find “passed away” or “passed” quite cringey and performative. It seems to imply something peaceful and ethereal; as if it’s just one door closing and another opening as part of the beautiful cycle of life, where we’ll all be reunited in the next world, and that bodies are just vessels for our spiritual energy and so on… Fine if you believe that, but for a lot of us, when you’re dead, that’s it. We don’t need it soft-soaping.

I don’t mind it so much when it’s someone very elderly who has had a genuinely peaceful death. But I’ve seen it used more and more often recently when people have not only died very young, but also in terrible accidents or by suicide. That is not “passing away” - that is a tragedy, possibly involving a lot of suffering, and/or mental pain beforehand. Why try to make out it was all part of the natural circle of life?

Am I just being an old moaner who should let people use whatever expression brings them comfort? Or is it offensive to act like a sudden, painful death is no different to quietly going in your sleep at 95?

Yes and we can all see language we feel comfortable with it's nobodies business.

Sorry for your loss really irritates me .

You do you and let other people use whatever term helps them cope with the idea of death.

What would you prefer?

It's better than someone saying nothing at all and pretending it hasn't happened

Yes my Dad struggles with this ,he would have been bern married to my mum for 54 years in August .

You know how if you're referring to a dead person you say "the late Mr So-and-so"?
Where I grew up, late was therefore used as an adjective, as a euphamism for dead. Would cause huge confusion for anyone not from there, being told "he is late".

My view is that if using gentler words helps the person whose loved one has died then it's no bad thing. They know the person has died, they're feeling the pain in every fibre of their being.

I just cannot imagine policing how someone describes the death of a loved one. It’s absolutely none of your business and their sensibilities trump yours…

For the avoidance of doubt, if someone told me their loved one had passed away, I would absolutely not respond with “No; no, you mean they died”. I would have hoped I didn’t need to make that explicit. But that doesn’t stop me having private opinions on the term.

What if I was someone who used gallows humour to get through grief? I bet if I announced on Facebook “Bad news everyone - dear old grandad has carked it / stuck his spoon in the wall / croaked”, a lot of people would be shocked and/or offended. And that’s fine - it’s their opinion. But surely it would be just as much my right as the bereaved to say that and not be “policed” about it?

What do you prefer to say?

I hate "passed" and also that you can't (apparently) state that someone or some people have died, even if you're just quoting statistics, without saying "sadly died". I think COVID might be to blame for this.

I agree. I lost a sibling a couple of years ago and although the fact that they are dead is with me every day I find it very hard to say the word 'died'.

I never used it until my mum died and then I found it was sometimes the best word to use.

Completely agree, OP. My friend died, my dad died. It’s awful but no euphemistic ‘passing’ is going to make it any better.

Yes, I did find the “sadly died” statistical announcements during Covid very odd. I kept thinking, “Were there others who happily died?”

I agree with you in that I always say died. I don't mind passed away as it's an old saying but I don't like passed. It's as if away is too awful to say.
I saw an argument on FB where someone said a famous person passed them in the street. Someone on the thread took exception to this, he said what an awful thing to say, famous person isn't dead.
When it was pointed out that to pass is a verb that means to pass or pass by something, he said he didn't believe it and was adamant it meant died!

My son died aged 18 from cancer. It was horrific and if and when the subject of how many children I have I sometimes use passed away or died depending on situation and the person I'm talking about and what time of year it is for me. Sometimes passed away is just easier as I don't want to talk about how he died. Died still seems so final even 11 years on.

My mum died the year after him and my father 5 years later. I e used every expression for them over the years. I make no excuses how I wish to express that they are no longer living. And I don't judge how anyone uses their own expressions, either about their own bereavements or mine. I'm still happy if anyone is brave enough to openly talk to me about my son, how he lived or died. Even the difficult bits.

Grief is so very personal. I too am lead by others in how they talk about their own loved ones.

I think it originally had to do with the religious/spiritual/mythological idea that at death someone "passes" from one state of being to another. "Passed on" and "passed over" are still used, at least in US English, but "passed away" seems like it might be a kind of sanitised, religion-neutral version: the speaker isn't assuming anything about where they WENT, but it's clear that at least in a spiritual sense they are no longer here with us. So it would be equally useful regardless of the age of the deceased and the manner of the death.

"Passed" all by itself is confusing. "Died" is of course clearest, but many people have hang-ups about it being (1) hurtful or (2) bad luck to speak openly about death.

Why isn't there an angry face emoji, unfair. 😅

YABU bereaved people get to use whatever language they need to

This is why I think people shouldn't mind what others say.

What do you want people to say ?

I have lost both my parents and both Mil and Fil have both died. Much loved Aunts, Uncles, cousins and my Bil have passed away.
I and anyone else bereaved can talk about this however we want to.

Only on Mumsnet would anyone call me "chavy" or snipe that I am "lower middle class " or that my words offended them. If that is you, then shame on you. I will grieve in my own way.

That’s all well and good, OP, but your post was “Am I just being an old moaner who should let people use whatever expression brings them comfort?”

So your answer is yes, you should let them.

You’ve tried to change course because a number of people have found you judgemental.

I think this is generational actually. I'm in my 50s and my mum and grandparents' generations would often not use the word died. It was quite taboo for some reason. If they did, it was said in a sort of embarrassed stage whisper, along with the words cancer and coloured and homosexual and time of the month or pregnant.