Does anyone else struggle with authority?

[Flowersinthehood]

Not as in 'end up in a riot van' struggle!
I suppose I've never liked being told what to do. I have struggled with employers over the years as there's sometimes no logic in their decision making at times. But I've never been sacked as I'm a really hard worker, and I pick things up quickly. Actually I forgot I was sacked for not following the rules in a call centre.
Yesterday I had a bit of a run in with my manager. I wanted them to let me finish off something but it had to be passed on to someone else, as is the protocol. I asked if I could just have one week more on it, and she said well that is not your decision to make. I do get that, but that sort of saying or message just makes me feel pure rage.
And I don't know where that rage comes from.
It's a bit like parking tickets. I just will not pay them. I call up and I appeal each one and it ends up going to court but it's like I can't surrender as I just don't agree with the money grabbing nature of it.
Yet I'm not like this with friends and family, I'm always described as laid back. I never complain in restaurants or scrimp on tips. I will do anything for anyone, if I see the point.
I comply with school rules for my children and speak to teachers with respect.
But when I was at school one year they had to set up a separate classroom and I would do all my work in there, as I couldn't be told what to do. I did all my work and got good grades but I needed to be the one to direct myself.
Does anyone else feel similar? I'm not autistic as far as I'm aware. I am kind of demand avoidant and I can't cope if I know people don't like me. It eats me away inside. I am not dominant in relationships. It's more institutional or work place stuff I struggle with.

It sounds like it's rooted in a feeling of powerlessness. A visceral reaction to a 'higher' power taking control out of your hands? When you feel more on an equal footing you don't have that reaction, is that right?

Yes I relate to this, I'm not as bad now as my job involves social justice work and I set my own diary. The demand avoidance is real though. Being told what to do makes me feel inner rage. I'm autistic. When I was assessed, this part made the most sense as it has created a lot of difficulties in the past (getting sacked, falling out with people etc)

@AceofPentacles same! I had to move to working in social care and advocating for the rights of people. But obviously there's systemic problems and lunacy relating to 'service pressures' which means my hands are tied at times. Then I feel angry.
It is like a burning sensation which goes all through me. I can't cope with things that don't make sense. Or being 'done to'.
Luckily it makes me relate more to the vulnerable people I work with.
I've never hit or abused anyone though, or even shouted much, so I must have some internal regulation.

Google PDA

Yes I absolutely recognise this. It affects every aspect of my life. I can be very stubborn and sometimes even cause myself aggro because I won’t be told what to do or think or feel.

Agree with this.
Do you remember feeling this anger when you were little OP?

I was going to suggest this too.

@JustJoinedRightNow yes always. I was raised by a very not-strict mum. I remember I used to run away if I didn't get my own way.
I don't think I have PDA as it's not anxiety driven, it's more that I feel insulted that I can't make my own decisions. At school I did fine, even in subjects I hated, which isn't very PDA, maybe as I saw a purpose (grades= get into a better college)

It comes across as arrogance and that's what I don't like about it. I've also fallen out with my manager who I really do like, and it's not personal but the problem is my refusal to accept the rules makes it seem personal to 'normal people' lol.

I am. autistic and I struggle with injustice if someone does something wrong or that makes no sense I Will want to challenge it and yes feel rage sometimes. I also struggle with authority in that I don't really see myself as below them so when I was younger I would ask managers to do tasks (like if you are going to the office take X with you ) and be infuriated when they said no.. I don't believe parking tickets are unfair though.

My dd has adhd and massively struggles with being told what to do so if she was thinking of tidying her room and I said your room needs tidying she would instantly not want to do it. She is also extremely last minute on things. (College work etc)

I think refusing to pay parking fines isn’t a bit arrogant, you think the rules don’t apply to you and that you should be able to park where you like?

I am the total opposite, and feel stupidly 'in awe' of those in authority, with a tendancy to do as I'm told and want to please people who are 'above me'. I really wish I wasn't this way but it feels deep-routed.

Ypu and I need to be somewhere in the middle, rather than these extremes!

Have you thought about running your own business instead of being an employee?

Perfectly normal, having someone else control your life (monitor what time/days you come in at, constantly be asking you what you've done, etc) would be completely demeaning. Its fine if you are 18 years old and working in Tesco part-time or whatever, but no way to live as an adult.

"Not having a boss" has always been one of my main priorities when it comes to career

@KimberleyClark it's not that, it's the way that overstaying by 10 minutes becomes a £60 fine and then if you can't pay that within a set time it's a £150 fine. It's ridiculous and I've asked the parking companies for a break down of how they calculate these fines and where the money is spent etc. I don't understand how it's legal. Just feels like a tax on the poor, they don't even offer payment plans.

I don't think PDA is anxiety driven. If you think of it as Persistent Drive for Autonomy it makes far more sense.

The mumsnet obsession with medicalising every aspect of human behavior will never cease 😂

I haven't got PDA. I know a bit about it, having worked in child settings. I think there is an underlying need to control in most people, and PDA traits are probably a spectrum like most things.

I recognise some of this.
At school, I never listened to teachers, never did homework but I did do exams. I studied when I wanted to or when I really had to. I told the English teacher that I didn't like any of the curriculum books so I was going to choose my own. I did and got A's.
As an adult, I never see anyone else having authority over me. Just a different role. I don't understand adults who are afraid to talk to other adults because of their job roles, like their kid's teachers or the police.
I think this is because my parents were never strict. They had expectations but never taught us how to meet their expectations so we navigated things ourselves from a young age.

A bit - even down to absolutely hating mugs that say 'tea' or jars that tell me what I should be putting in them....

At work, I don't mind my boss telling me what to do, since he's the boss, he's paying me to do whatever it is he tells me to do, even if it's stupid - however, always in the back of my mind is that I'm here by choice, I can always quit.

If however people who think they're my boss when they aren't are telling me to do things (rather than asking, or adding things to my todo list and expecting to be able to direct the order I do things in, rather than negotiating/explaining why they should jump the queue) then we have a problem, and I will push back.

I think in this case you need to accept that the whole purpose of it is to make money.

what difference does it make how they calculate them? They’ll just say “we don’t calculate them we just issue the fine as per our T&C”

I don't know if anyone can relate to this but when I was younger and had a lot of authority figures in my life I made a point of behaving like, higher than their rules so that they could never tell me off for anything so I could feel like they had no control over me - the control was mine. I think I was just arrogant though

Entitlement?
I have a couple of friends who think they're entitled to the world being the way they want. They think they should be able to do what they want at work and that's managers are unreasonable for challenging them. They care about justice (for themselves) far more than harmony, so they're always getting into 'fights' with anyone vaguely authoritative. Their lives seem very stressful and full of drama.

Yes. As I get older I have less energy for banging my head against the brick wall of irresponsibly wielded authority though. It's a dilemma, I have to pick my battles!

@Anycrispsleft but is arrogance necessarily a bad thing in those circumstances, sounds like a coping strategy which worked.
There is a beauty in thinking fuck it, all this doesn't affect me, I'll be ok. It helps us get through tough times.