Does anyone else struggle with authority?

[Flowersinthehood]

Not as in 'end up in a riot van' struggle!
I suppose I've never liked being told what to do. I have struggled with employers over the years as there's sometimes no logic in their decision making at times. But I've never been sacked as I'm a really hard worker, and I pick things up quickly. Actually I forgot I was sacked for not following the rules in a call centre.
Yesterday I had a bit of a run in with my manager. I wanted them to let me finish off something but it had to be passed on to someone else, as is the protocol. I asked if I could just have one week more on it, and she said well that is not your decision to make. I do get that, but that sort of saying or message just makes me feel pure rage.
And I don't know where that rage comes from.
It's a bit like parking tickets. I just will not pay them. I call up and I appeal each one and it ends up going to court but it's like I can't surrender as I just don't agree with the money grabbing nature of it.
Yet I'm not like this with friends and family, I'm always described as laid back. I never complain in restaurants or scrimp on tips. I will do anything for anyone, if I see the point.
I comply with school rules for my children and speak to teachers with respect.
But when I was at school one year they had to set up a separate classroom and I would do all my work in there, as I couldn't be told what to do. I did all my work and got good grades but I needed to be the one to direct myself.
Does anyone else feel similar? I'm not autistic as far as I'm aware. I am kind of demand avoidant and I can't cope if I know people don't like me. It eats me away inside. I am not dominant in relationships. It's more institutional or work place stuff I struggle with.

I agree with explaining, but everyone needs to learn that sometimes you have to do things you do not agree with or do not understand.

@Flowersinthehood cbarming. Yes people have to drive for work. That doesn't negate the principle of parking charges as a demand management tool does it?

Have you ever considered that your problem is that you are just a bit of a prick?

Yes I am like this. Also very laid back. I can't stand hierarchy or power imbalance. I'm lucky to have had some great managers who treat everyone with respect.

The trouble with explaining things to small sprogs is that often they have no interest in the answer and are on to their next "why?" Before you have answered the previous question. They just like the sound of their own voices and compelling adults to answer questions. The answers are unimportant to them. With older children it's different but if a child won't wait for the end of an answer they don't get to ask any more questions or get short answers as a response

Wait.... Are you me? You've literally just described me.
Many times I argue with a boss cause they tell me to do something. If they ask nicely then no problem.

You’re parking on someone else’s private property, property that they no doubt paid a hell of a lot of money to buy and that they have to maintain. If you don’t like the rules for parking on their private property, park elsewhere.

Your letter is being handled by some minimum wage admin staff, who is not going to go bail up the CFO for an explanation of the company’s revenue strategy in order to justify their fees to someone who freely chose to park in their carpark.

You’re not a warrior for justice by being as difficult as possible about accepting the consequences of the informed risk that you took.

And encouraging everyone to refuse to pay the fines isn’t going to result in the company rolling over because they can’t afford to take everyone to court. They will just fence the carpark and lock the gate at 4pm.

I find this very interesting. I have a lovely dog who barks whenever post comes through the letterbox. I folded a piece of cardboard, hooked it through the letterbox with the words PLEASE LEAVE POST ON MAT - THANK YOU written with a Sharpie. The letters are an inch high. (The front door can't be seen from the street so the post is safe on the mat - I'd already asked my regular postman to leave post there and he was fine about it. The sign was for anybody else who needed to communicate with me by post.) The sign was ignored. People shoving things through - menus, various flyers, info about jumble sales and so on. Then a postman not known to me shoved the post through and when I caught up with him he told me, with a straight face, that he hadn't seen the sign - which is a bit bigger than the letterbox. So I screwed some wood to the inside of the door which meant that the flap would open but it was essentially sealed shut. People are still trying to push things through! The envelopes only go in an inch or so before they're up against the wood but still people will poke and push them and fray them trying to get them in. It was a mystery to me - but no longer. There are obviously a fair number of people round my way, including postmen and Amazon workers who simply won't be told what to do. Gah.

To be this seems like laziness/incompetence rather than ignoring authority.

I think this is the thing. OP seems to think that she’s sticking it to the man over the parking thing, but in practice it’s kind of kicking down rather than up. Her rage at injustice could be so useful if properly directed. At the moment it seems a bit indiscriminate, and that can come off as belligerence for the sake of it. People who are belligerent for the sake of it end up not being taken seriously about anything, and that’s a real problem when genuine injustice rears its head and they try to speak up about it - folk are so used to them stirring the pot that they just smile and nod and don’t listen to a word they say.

I hate being told what to do. If you ask me to do anything, I will always do it. If you tell me, oh that’s another thing entirely.

A please and thank you always need to used as well. It’s just basic manners.

I take issue with people who I believe have no credibility either. If you have the skills and knowledge I will be directed but if you’re a phoney then no chance.

I’ve put it down to just hating bullshit!

I object to authority when there's no actual basis for it or when someone is taking advantage - either an individual or a company/organisation. It's ages since i went to a nightclub but the first example in my mind is an over zealous bouncer.

Neither of your examples fits my notion of misplaced authority. I'm happy to play by rules that allow society to function legally and efficiently, and if a colleague needs something more quickly than I can finish it, I wouldn't get cross.

Well obviously you tailor your answers to the age/ability to comprehend of the child concerned and certainly when dealing with the "why" phase, it's probably best to ignore it, in the same way that it's probably best to ignore the "no" phase (and I'm not advocating a blanket ignoring here - I think we still have to ask ourselves what the child is trying to communicate and not focus on the word being (mis)used.

I found that parents constantly barking orders at their children (and yes, I do understand that they were probably tired, stressed and just fed up /grumpy) was quite triggering for me, when my own were little. It took me straight back to my own childhood times where people couldn't be bothered with me/found me a nuisance/didn't much care about me and I vividly remember how that felt. I know that I am not alone in those feelings - now approaching my dotage, I have had many conversations with people who felt that, as children, they didn't matter. I think that we can all agree that is something we do not want to teach our own children.

The occasional "because I say so" is not going to do much harm, but the difficulty we face as parents is making sure that it doesn't become a habit because we are too busy/stressed/overtired to handle the questions.

This sounds like me precisely!

I absolutely hate being told what to do. Hated being in junior work roles for this reason.

I don’t even like exercise classes because they tell you want to do and prefer solo exercise 😁

Op, you sound like my son. I've joked from about the age of 2 or 3 that his default is no. Everything he does he has justified to himself and is on his own terms. It sounds like you are a mixture of adhd, dyspraxic and demand avoidant and the mixture means that you will find it hard to place yourself on the spectrum and dismiss it. And I'm sure you'll disagree 😂😂

And people like you push the bundaries and change the world because of your tenacity and your way of thinking.

I've only really read your responses, not the whole thread but the only thing you've agreed with is that someone said you must be a nightmare which is hillarious, but I bet not true. I imagine you can be hard work, but consistent and most people respect that for the positives that come from it.

Also me

You can get me every time with sugar, not vinegar.

I also feel the rage at authority and injustice.

I would have been a rubbish foot soldier. Someone at work told me recently I would have made an excellent officer. I think it was a dig 😂

I struggle terribly with authority BUT only when said person in authority is an ass. I actually need a manager who knows their job and can give me a reasoned response if I challenge a decision. I need to feel I'm safe in their hands if that makes sense.

I do not do well and the less positive side of my personality comes out if I've got an ineffectual manager. A good manager will bring the absolute best out of me...a poor manager and, well, I don't last in the job.

I'm always the first one in my team to query things or to want to understand why. I will be rigorous though and will check procedure and policy before I full engage in a disagreement with management. I couldn't just sit back and do something I feel is inherently wrong whereas I have a colleague who will do as they're told even if it doesn't sit right because they wouldn't entertain challenging a manager.

I struggle with just being told just do as I say so school was difficult for me.

I have a huge issue with unfairness and social injustice and have worked in the social care field with vulnerable people for nearly 25 years.

I've never thought to stick a label on it.

you need to tame the chimp in you and use your logic. read the chimp paradox.

And common sense.

Yes the parking ticket one is a bit odd! Car parks exist to make money. They are not a public service. You park there by contract, break the contract eg go over by 10 minutes and have to pay a penalty.
No one likes this but is completely fair. Park elsewhere if you don’t like the terms.

OP, I suggest you read the book 'be more pirate', it really resonated with me. I have a strong sense of fairness and get very frustrated by seemingly pointless tasks. I got my school to adapt the timetable for GCSE so I could study the subjects I would get A's in - I went to a sink school where only about 20% got a C or above, so being able to put 10 A's in their website was very attractive to them. So I bargained - you change this and I will get you great results to shout about, this of course could be seen as arrogance. But I did it, I upheld my side of the bargain.

Like you, I grew up with very passive parents. They both grew up with parents who beat them if they so much dared as speak when shouldn't, so they were determined to do different. They were much more scared of so called authority figures than they should have been - when the Dr didn't treat me properly they didn't fight and I ended up in hospital, when my brother was being badly bullied they didn't push to school to protect him. So me and my friends protected him, a big group of girls set upon the boys who were tormenting him and their shouts drew the attention of the teachers, who couldn't believe that the girls were the instigators and the boys got in trouble. And they left him mostly alone after that. So I learnt that because my parents (who were very caring, hard working and committed) couldn't protect him, it was my job, and from then I learnt to stand up for those who were genuinely struggling, call out bullsh*t and fight for what my girls need.

I have as I have got older l, learnt to control my frustration. I have never shouted swore at or hurt anyone (apart from those childhood bullies), but have got in trouble for being less than diplomatic.

As the saying goes 'pick your battles'. Fight for the things which are most important and try to let the lesser stuff, like parking tickets, go. Otherwise the anger can consume you if you are constantly in 'fight' mode.

No, I’m the complete opposite. I love rules. Follow them to the letter.
Takes all sorts 🤷🏻‍♀️