Does anyone else struggle with authority?

[Flowersinthehood]

Not as in 'end up in a riot van' struggle!
I suppose I've never liked being told what to do. I have struggled with employers over the years as there's sometimes no logic in their decision making at times. But I've never been sacked as I'm a really hard worker, and I pick things up quickly. Actually I forgot I was sacked for not following the rules in a call centre.
Yesterday I had a bit of a run in with my manager. I wanted them to let me finish off something but it had to be passed on to someone else, as is the protocol. I asked if I could just have one week more on it, and she said well that is not your decision to make. I do get that, but that sort of saying or message just makes me feel pure rage.
And I don't know where that rage comes from.
It's a bit like parking tickets. I just will not pay them. I call up and I appeal each one and it ends up going to court but it's like I can't surrender as I just don't agree with the money grabbing nature of it.
Yet I'm not like this with friends and family, I'm always described as laid back. I never complain in restaurants or scrimp on tips. I will do anything for anyone, if I see the point.
I comply with school rules for my children and speak to teachers with respect.
But when I was at school one year they had to set up a separate classroom and I would do all my work in there, as I couldn't be told what to do. I did all my work and got good grades but I needed to be the one to direct myself.
Does anyone else feel similar? I'm not autistic as far as I'm aware. I am kind of demand avoidant and I can't cope if I know people don't like me. It eats me away inside. I am not dominant in relationships. It's more institutional or work place stuff I struggle with.

I'm not sure I understand mumsnet.
OP asked if others struggle with authority and people have put their experiences; and also giving OP a possible reason why she finds authority difficult - this is what I would expect from this kind of group.
Then there's a pile on as to why these people are wrong.
I'm not sure that was OP's question.

Maybe it's time for me to walk away from this forum.

I think we're all different. In my job, everything I do is to benefit my clients, the people I work for. I will always advocate for them and be frustrated on their behalf. I will never be made a manager, and I get that, I don't have the polish, I don't have the gift of the gab.
I do know I do my best though. And I sleep well. I will probs send an email to my manager later just to say I'm sorry I was heated.

This.

There’s been a huge increase in this lately too - people fighting authority going because they’re imagining that they’re oppressed or victimised.

It’s making a lot of public service jobs very stressful as the public seem so outraged at not getting exactly what they want, all the time.

I’m not surprised your mother wasn’t strict, maybe she should have been.

Being able to be part of a herd/social group/organisation and follow the rules is an important social skill. It seems that somewhere in your development you failed to learn this.

Sometimes it can be good to have disruptors, but too much is definitely arsehole territory.

I don’t agree that managers owe you an explanation op. The deal is they ask you to do something, you do it, and then they pay you. That’s it. So long as they obey the law obvs/

But the point is it is someone else’s land that they paid for and run a business from. Parking is a business. You can’t just use someone else’s property as you like. in the same way as I wouldn’t expect someone to use my driveway even if I’m away from the property and not using my driveway at the time. Logically speaking you could argue it’s not being used so what’s the harm but it’s my land and my decision.

In terms of authority I understand the point about querying rules and procedures if they don’t make sense or have a logical reason and I think there’s a way to go about that in a work setting, but ultimately hierarchies are needed in society and workplaces otherwise nothing would get done and people with different views would just disagree with no overriding decision maker. Everything would just fall apart.

Do you know what, that is a fair comment. My post isn't helpful and doesn't answer the question.

I suppose it rubbed me the wrong way as it made me think of my awful direct report who gave me such a terrible time.

Ooft this is so interesting to read through. I'd never properly examined those parts of me, but a lot of it ties in with experiences I hadn't really connected. I have a massive respect for logical rules and efficiency. So if someone tells me to change the way I'm doing something and I see the improvement/logic in it, then I trust their authority/experience and will more happily do what they say in the future. But god, if someone doesn't instruct me logically, or enforces a rule that hinders with no gain, or does something unjust, they become a scourge in my mind. That boiling feeling is real! I had very strict parents, and am afraid of authority (and overly meek) but injustice/non logic in authority flips that fear and I become very assertive. To the point that I'll put myself in danger (between an aggressive man and a woman, between a kid gang with weapons trying to rob another kid) without being able to control myself. I'm never aggressive myself. I just can't stand illogic/injustice.

But also, I completely failed myself at high school (I got good grades but coasted) because I absolutely could not do homework?! And studying had to be on my own terms. A "good girl" from my dad meant closing the books. It took moving out, going off the rails, and choosing my own path to make me a bit of an academic geek.

I am not enjoying silly rules at work but my work currently is very autonomous and I slightly bend the rules where I see fit. Prior to that I worked in a team where every decision had to be approved by the team and the lead. One day my colleague was told off for giving a client a fairly innocuous leaflet about a community project. That was hell on earth and I left after 8 months working there because I was just perpetually angry.
Parking fines, though... no. I wouldn't be contesting those. I can choose to ignore the rules but I would absolutely accept responsibility for my actions.

I can relate to this. I find it strange an adult can tell another adult what to do, like one of them is a child. Not with regards to breaking the law obviously, but when it’s something that’s not law breaking or causing injustice, why does someone get to direct your life/day/actions.

I recognise this. I think because rules are just man made "opinions" that are enforcement by a higher authority. Sometimes these "opinions" can change, hence why rules change sometimes, which makes it seem even more ridiculous. Just people sitting around deciding stuff for people that becomes law. I do get it!

I feel like most people do their best and always try and remember that when I am frustrated with a system. The system may be awful/ wrong but the individual people within it are trying their best against the same difficulties as you!

it sometimes feel as though people feel like they are sticking it to “the man” and fighting for the little people etc but actually they are just being mean to equally powerless teachers/ doctors etc.

if you want to make the world a better place … brilliant… go out and change the rules…. But dont take it out on other people

Making sure that a number of people are able to carry out essential tasks is a good idea as it means that operations can continue if the person who usually carries them out is absent. A good manager will try to ensure that such training/experience is properly delivered and monitored and it’s one of those things where the benefits outweigh the disadvantages, if done well.

This. It’s really not good for business continuity if there are things that only one person knows how to do!

I guess it takes all sorts of people for the world to work though. Ironically the man (and I bet it was a man) who developed the idea for leasing car parks back to businesses and charging for use was probably someone who thought a bit like me. I've worked in companies with solely rule followers and they never do anything exciting. There's generally low morale. Too many people like me and there's huge infighting and we never get anything done as we're always developing another new project.
When I used to work in a dentists, I had to ring people who were expecting nhs treatment and say that we couldn't do it due to 'funding'. Obviously they would ask why, and the other receptionist would say 'I'm sorry I can't tell you why' NO ONE LIKED THAT ANSWER. So everyone is like this to some extent. If you received that answer, would you just take it? Or would you want a better explanation?

Yes, I definitely have this to some extent. I have a very autonomous job which I enjoy, but when I have to do things that I see as pointless it fills me with rage. (This is mainly stuff like objectives and reviews.) I have to force myself to do them without public complaint as obviously I'm aware it's very childish... but god it's a struggle and there's a lot of swearing 😂

If someone nags me to do something it immediately makes me not want to do it - especially if I was planning to. So if I know the bin needs emptying and I intend to do it when I next get up, but DP says 'That bin needs doing', I will not do it. At least not until I choose to, later when the rage has subsided.

I also hate objects that have a word on them for what you put in them 😂 Will not have them in my house. It would hurt my soul to put tea in a tea jar. Absolutely not, fuck off, I'll do what I want with my jar 😂🤦

That said, I have no problem with laws and rules like parking or speeding fines. I'm very law abiding because I can see the point, we can't all park where we want and it's a good way to raise money if people disobey.

I keep this rage very quiet, it's probably only my DP and parents that know about it.

Rubbish. Our car once broke down in a supermarket car park and we missed the two hour window. We emailed the supermarket and the parking company politely explaining what happened and attaching a receipt from our shopping. No further evidence from the garage was needed. The ticket was cancelled immediately.
The trick is to be polite. And to actually shop in the supermarket rather than parking there after hours.
I am guessing that challenging them about how the fine was calculated and where the money is going was more of a problem. Nobody wants to be accommodating when they are confronted.

So you think that in the event of, say, a bomb scare in a railway station, station staff should not be able to tell you to get out of the building, and that you should be able to decide for yourself whether or not it’s necessary for you to get out?

I also hate objects that have a word on them for what you put in them 😂 Will not have them in my house. It would hurt my soul to put tea in a tea jar. Absolutely not, fuck off, I'll do what I want with my jar 😂🤦

If you had builders in, do you not think it would be helpful to them to know which jar contains the tea and which contains the coffee?

How did you get As when the exam questions would have been on the books on the curriculum?

@Flowersinthehood just to say on the parking charge thing, there was a radio 4 discussion where Winifred Robinson laid in to a private parking firm about the injustice of some of their charges. Obviously there can be parking fines to help control parking, but there has to be some scope for genuine human error. We got a fine for parking in a very rural spot when it was snowing, and the signs were all covered by snow. We had no idea you were meant to pay. We explained this but were still made to pay a ridiculous amount. It wasn't my car so I wasn't in control of the discussion but I'd probably have fought that very hard.

Here's the show

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0026v55

Mostly, it's not about guidance or safety or conventions but about things perceived to be unfair, unjust, petty, restrictive or taking away your own autonomy where there could be more autonomy.

No? I can tell them, or they can just look in the jar. Also how often do you have builders in long enough to make their own drinks, that you need special jars for them?

Jars with words on are a bit common, tbh.

@ilovesooty they were books that could be on the curriculum but the teacher didn't choose them. I read them myself (funnily enough it was Orwell) I just preferred them and did all my coursework on them.

@sisterdaughter aw thanks, yes I was considering going to my MP. Aside from the two tickets with my daughter and the park, I work in the community doing lots of visits and so I am much more likely to get parking fines, especially due to the fact that in mental health it is very difficult to predict how much time every meeting will take. The fact that there is almost no free parking in my city, it's almost impossible to avoid parking in supermarket car parks. I do have a problem with timekeeping too, and I often don't actually have any money at all on my card and keep cash on me.

Sorry if it’s been mentioned previously but have you considered Oppositional Defiant Disorder.